Friday, June 21, 2013

Buh, buh, buh, buh

I've been a horrible blogger lately. I know. I had so many grand intentions once summer break started to be this rockstar blogger, but ever since school got out, i've been sitting around kind of like this:
I'm one of those people who prefers to blog when i'm inspired, rather than just post daily ramblings. This is an example of what my blog would look like if I posted when i'm not feeling funny:

I've been watching lots of Netflix and eating my fair share of Junior Mints (gotta help keep them in business).  My teens were gone for the last 10 days and arrived home a couple of nights ago. Although I love having my family back together, holy hell, I forgot the pure chaos that is life with five kids.  It's a gosh dang 3 ring circus up in here!  My 8 year old daughter has been crying for her older sister for the last two weeks, "I miss my sister. When is she coming home? I can't handle one more day without her."  This morning she was saying, "I hate my sister. Why did I even miss her?"

My health/medical issues are at a super sucktastic point. I would describe in detail what's going on with me, but you'd need a brown paper bag you could barf in it.  It's gross.  Like CSI crime scene gross, although i'll admit i've never actually seen CSI.  So perhaps it's more like Breaking Bad bathtub scene gross. Yeah, it's like that.  I feel sorta like a science experiment.  I need the MythBusters team: How much blood can a person lose and still remain upright?

Since the teens are home, i'm back to daily grocery store runs which is tons of fun when you're leaking (I told you i'm gross).  I could've purchased a Corvette with all the money i've spent on tampons and overnight maxi pads.  Anyways, I got home from the grocery store last night and walked into a funhouse of fighting, screaming, and whining.  I told the kids to bring me some Post It's so I could stick one on the fridge with today's date and then when December rolls around and they ask me why Santa Claus didn't come, I would tell them to go look at the Post It.

Soccer camp started this week.  Soccer.  Ugh. I can't escape it. It's been pouring down rain but soccer doesn't get cancelled in the Pacific Northwest because of rain.  All of the other parents stand out in the rain and get drenched while watching their little darlings practice. I sit in the car and say "buh, buh, buh, buh" over and over again.  Soon I will be going to a Portland Timbers match with the hubby. It's all he talks about.  I wish I could be as excited as my hubby, although I do love those stadium nachos. I am very much looking forward to those.  

I bought the boys another Vtech Innotab.  We have an original one but they fight over it all the time, and since i'm still without an iPhone (yes, i've been phoneless for weeks now), they haven't been able to make their weird little videos they like to make with my phone (the original Innotab doesn't have a camera).  This time I bought the Innotab 2S (it has a wifi connection and a video camera).  The boys are obsessed with it.  It was a good purchase, and no I didn't get paid to review the Innotab (although Vtech if you're reading this, I do have a third child that would like one...hint, hint).

So, there you have it. Lots of exciting stuff going on over here.  In a minute i'm going to go eat one of my Slim Fast chocolate bars because everyone knows that diet bars are supposed to be eaten after a heaping bowl of Reese's Puffs cereal, right?  I think so. 

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Music Magpie Review

I'll admit, I had never heard of Music Magpie before I was approached to write a review, but after doing a little searching, I thought it sounded like a really neat service so I agreed to share it with my readers.   Basically if you have any unwanted CD's, DVD's and video games that you want to sell, you can mail them to Music Magpie (for free) and they will send you cash in exchange.  Pretty cool, huh?

I haven't actually used this service myself, but i'm in the process of doing some major decluttering and reorganizing this summer and we have tons and tons (and tons) of CD's and DVD's that we don't use anymore. I honestly can't even remember the last time we watched a DVD in our collection or listened to an actual CD.  Unfortunately they are sitting on shelves collecting dust and taking up space.  Sad, but true.

Pictured below is just one of our many stashes of our old CD's.  
The rest are stuffed into boxes, but we have no place to put them. 
These are shoved into a small corner in the office. The younger boys
mess with them and mix them up. I really need to get them out of here. 
I know you're probably wondering how complicated this process is, but after looking at their website I was pleasantly surprised to see that there are only three short steps.  That's it!

Here is a brief rundown of the process (please refer to Music Magpie for more details and instructions as this is just an overview):

Step one: Simply enter the barcode from the DVD, CD or video game that you want to sell.  You can type in the number or scan it using a webcam.  You must enter a minimum of 10 items.

Step two: Ship your items by packing your items into a box and attaching a free label.  Yes, you read that correctly...there is no cost to ship your items to Music Magpie! You can choose between UPS or United States Postal Service. I wont go into all the details as it's all stated on their website, but the instructions on their website are clearly stated and very easy to follow.  I get confused easily but I was able to follow the directions without any confusion.  There is a limit of 200 items per box.

Step three: Once your items have been received by the Quality Assessment process, you will receive a check.  There are some requirements, such as you must include the original artwork, covers and booklets and the case should be in good working order.

There is also an iPhone and Android app if you prefer to use your phone.

If you want to declutter your home and get some cash for unwanted CD's, DVD's, and video games then you should check out Music Magpie.  Again, I don't have any personal experience with this company, as i've never actually used their services, but I thought it was a neat idea and i'm definitely considering using this company in the future.

*This was a sponsored review, however all opinions and thoughts are my own. 

Friday, June 14, 2013

The Breaking Bad Diet

Summer boredom has already hit and I decided I needed to find a new show to watch on Netflix. As much as I love watching Roseanne, Sex and the City and Weeds re-runs, i've seen each episode probably 900 times and I wanted to try out something new.  I decided on Breaking Bad.  I parked my oversized hiney on the couch, put my fuzzy, pink, princess blanket over my legs and figured i'd be instantly hooked. I had read somewhere online that this show was similar to Weeds. Whoever wrote that was a liar! I'd like to find that person and punch them in the nadsicles.

The first episode was mildly intriguing.  It definitely didn't pull me in right away like Weeds, but it was watchable. That is until I saw the bathtub scene.  Holy sweet mother of Justin Bieber, i'm traumatized!   TRAUMATIZED!  I wish I would've had a warning. I would've switched off Breaking Bad, turned on Roseanne re-runs, curled up under my fuzzy, pink, princess blanket, and eaten Reese's Peanut Butter Cups instead.

I should've known better. I knew that the basis of the show was drugs and not warm, furry kittens. I can't handle blood or gore at all.  I don't watch horror movies or anything about zombies or vampires.  It took me several weeks to feel normal again after watching Robo Cop with the husband.  Don't laugh. Robo Cop is some scary shit! I am now terrified of robotics.  I will never buy a Rumba.  Ever.

Back to Breaking Bad. Shortly after the bathtub scene, which is so disgusting i'm not even going to try to describe it, my husband brought home PIZZA for dinner. I wanted to vomit in my mouth every time I attempted to take a bite. I was literally sick to my stomach.  Perhaps I should watch this particular episode before every meal and I just might lose those unwanted 30 lbs this summer.

I really don't think I can continue watching. I'm sorry Breaking Bad, but i'll be moving on to something that I can watch without peeking through my fingers.  Barbie in A Mermaid Tale is looking pretty good at the moment.

Thursday, June 6, 2013

Planning a funeral for an iPhone

Almost exactly two years ago today Peanut threw my beloved iPhone 4 into the toilet.   We were getting ready to leave and Peanut was pretty little.  I didn't used to let him play with my phone back then because he was too young and I was worried he was going to damage it.  That particular day I was in a huge hurry because we were running late.  I remember setting my iPhone down on a table, but I put it too close to the edge and it fell onto the carpeted floor. It was one of those moments where I saw it fall out of the corner of my eye but I was already on my way into the bathroom to finish getting ready so I said to myself, "It will be okay on the floor for a few minutes."  

I was midway through brushing my teeth (okay, so I was probably plucking a grey hair or popping a zit) when Peanut appeared in the doorway to the bathroom, holding my iPhone.  It was one of those slow motion moments where I see him lift up his arm and my iPhone went airborne.  I remember screaming, "Nooooooooo" but it was too late.  It flew across the bathroom and plopped butt down into the toilet.  I immediately fished it out and made a fatal error of trying to push some buttons.  My phone looked like something from Poltergeist. It started freaking out and the screen went all demonic and ugly and it made kind of a hissing sound as it shut off and wouldn't turn back on.  I wanted to cry, scream, flip out, but ultimately it was my fault for leaving my phone on the ground, in the reach of a then 18 month old.  I mean what can you really do?  Peanut didn't talk, he couldn't express himself or explain why he felt the need to turn my iPhone into an expensive paperweight.  The boy still crapped his pants for poop's sake! 

Anyways, after putting my iPhone in a bucket of rice for 8 days and not touching it all, I eagerly took it out of the rice, plugged it in and tried to turn it on.  It laughed at me.  Okay, it didn't but it basically said, "F you" and refused to turn back on.  We tried to take it to Apple.  They said they would replace the phone for $199 but it would be a refurbished phone and I wouldn't be able to keep my old phone or retrieve any of the data on it.  Since I had pics of the kids and a bunch of other stuff I couldn't part with, I left with my broken iPhone in hand and said "No thanks."   We found an independent iPhone repair shop that had great reviews Wired iRepair.  I was so scared to hand my phone off to just anyone but these guys were so friendly and awesome and I knew my baby would be okay. I had already gone a week without a phone, so I wasn't upset when they said i'd have to leave it overnight.  It turns out that even though my phone had only been exposed to water for a few seconds, that was all it took to cause major damage. It needed a new dock port and a battery.  It set us back $150 but I was so thankful to have my own phone back and all of my data was still there.  

I had a blissful year with my repaired iPhone when Mr. Peanut struck again.  This time he threw the phone onto the hardwood floor.  I don't know how the screen didn't shatter into a million pieces, but I picked it up and all seemed fine. That is until someone tried to call me and I realized that my ringer no longer worked.  For the last year i've survived without a ringer.  I miss pretty much every single incoming call, but I actually kind of like it.  It's a perfect excuse when you just want to be left alone. "Sorry, my ringer doesn't work."   I decided it wasn't that urgent and I didn't get the ringer fixed. 

Last night I was checking something on my phone when I was suddenly revisited by Poltergeist again.  The screen turned several shades of scary, and the damn thing kept turning itself off.  I thought maybe the battery was just low so I plugged my phone in.  At first I thought maybe I was just going crazy.  It seemed to be working just fine.  Then Poltergeist.  My phone was haunted.  After turning it back on again, it died again, only this time it wouldn't come back on.  My phone is toast.  The kids are denying any wrong doing, even though they were watching You Tube videos on it earlier.  It didn't appear to have gotten wet again unless the kids dried it off to hide the evidence.  I don't even want to know what's inside of my phone.  Seriously, there is probably smashed banana and dried boogers up in that shiz.  

My husband left for work with my iPhone.  He'll be taking it back to the shop today in hopes that it will be a quick and easy fix.  I'm not holding my breath. Okay, I lied. I'm holding my breath until I look like the damn purple people eater!  I feel like one of my family members is going in for exploratory surgery and i'm pacing the halls and waiting for a diagnosis.   

I have a confession.  I googled, "How to plan a funeral for an iPhone."  Nothing came up except for apps for planning your own funeral.  I'm disappointed.  This would be a valuable service for attached iPhone users. 

As I prepare myself for the possibility that my baby may not make it home alive, i'm already planning her funeral.  There are many questions an iPhone owner has to ask themselves when faced with the impossible. 

Do I donate her parts? 

Do I donate her entire body? 

Would wearing all black to her funeral be an overkill? (of course not)

Do I give her a proper burial in the backyard?

Or do I let her go somewhere where she can really be free?  I could fling her off the edge of a cliff Thelma and Louise style, or from the peak of Mt. Hood. Or maybe I will just stand on a dining room chair and let her drop down to the floor since i'm kinda afraid of heights. 

When will I feel like texting again? 

How long is the appropriate waiting period before filling in the notepad in my new iPhone? 

Headstone or no headstone? Kidding. Sort of. 

Once you come to terms with saying goodbye, a tribute must be in order. 

I have asked my children to find some of her favorite and most watched You Tube videos.  

RIP my love. I hope I did you proud.

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Burrito Point

You know when you hear about teenagers driving around town trying to find a private, secluded place to park so they can make out?  Me either. I was an angel, but i've heard rumors that these places known in movies as the "make out point" exist.

I had a make out point experience of my own the other day, except that it didn't involve a boyfriend, or making out, but rather a burrito.  Yes, a glorious, squishy, bean burrito of deliciousness from none other than Taco Bell (minus the onions).

Let me back up a little.

I was running errands alone.  I needed to have blood drawn at the lab and had put it off for about two months.  Before my lab orders expired and I had to spend hundreds of additional dollars for a rheumatologist to re-order labs, I knew I needed to get my hiney in there and get it taken care of.  I ended up with the one and only super chatty lab technician amongst a sea of serious, "I'm just here to steal your blood and don't want to talk to you" techs.  I was not in a talkative mood at all. In fact I  would've rather dry shaved my legs with a porcupine, rather than talk to anyone. However, she was so darn sweet that within minutes she had me chatting and laughing as if we were long lost BFF's. Basically she is one of those magical happy people that I am not.

Anyways, I gave her my blood and headed out to run a few errands.  By the time I started to head home it hit me that I hadn't eaten all day.  I felt woozy, dizzy, and discomboobulated.  We live down the street from a Taco Bell.  Typically when I go to this particular TB, I get my food and then park in the Winco parking lot and eat my food before heading into the grocery store.  However, on this particular day I didn't need to grocery shop, and I sure as heck didn't feel like going inside just to eat a bean burrito.  So I decided to grab my burrito in the drive thru and find a private place to pull over and park on the drive home.

You're probably wondering why I couldn't just bring my burrito home to eat.  You probably don't have five kids. Imagine a lion bringing a single steak to a lion potluck.  It's like that.  There would be screaming, crying, possible bloodshed and "Why didn't you bring me something?" and if I did bring food home it would go something like this, "But I didn't want a soft taco. I wanted a Dorito taco. You don't love me.  WAAAAAHHHHH".   Kids are awesome.

Since it was close to dinner time and I didn't want to drop $30 on a pre-dinner snack for a bunch of whiney kids who were probably at home cleaning out my pantry anyways, I knew what I had to do. I needed to park and eat.   However, I quickly learned it's not that simple.

As I drove up and down the neighborhood trying to find a secluded place to park, I felt like everyone was staring at me.  I was getting the "Is this chick a drug dealer or a creeper" look, or at least that's how I felt.  In reality they were probably thinking, "What is that God awful noise that her piece of crap minivan is making?" I pulled over next to an empty soccer field and started to unwrap my burrito.  Way too many cars were driving by for my liking and I just couldn't do it.  I had burrito eating performance anxiety.  I put the burrito down and drove around the corner.  A man watering his lawn (pretty useless when you live in Portland by the way, but whatever) gave me the raised eyebrow, "Who are you?" look.   Damn! That spot was a bust as well.   I felt totally creepy and stalkerish driving down these quiet, residential streets.  Would I ever get to eat my flipping burrito in peace?

Finally I saw a place to park that wasn't in front of someone's house so I pulled over.   I was going to eat this burrito no matter what, even if people were driving by and gawking or taking crappy iphone pictures of me doing it.  I'm not attractive when I eat burritos.  I'm not attractive when I eat anything, but especially not a messy, ooozy, cheesy burrito.

I unwrapped my burrito.  My hands were shaking as I was deliriously hungry at this point.  I took a bite as beans, cheese and red sauce plopped down my shirt.  My burrito was cold but when you haven't eaten in several hours, you would eat a Goldfish cracker that had fallen down into the ass crack of your seat and was covered in hair, dust balls, and an old Lee Press On Nail.

As I finished my burrito I looked around to see if anyone was watching.  I turned on my ignition and pulled away, feeling a bit naughty as if I had just committed a crime and was leaving the scene.   As I got home I hid the evidence in my recycling bin as I know better than to bring empty food wrappers into my house with five kids.  My recycling bin holds the remains of many of my solo errand-running rendezvous.  If someone were to open the lid and look inside they just might find multiple McChicken sandwich wrappers, empty soda cups, Dutch Bros mocha cups, Starbucks cups, Reeces Peanut Butter Cup wrappers, and a bunch of other scandalous items.   I actually feel much better getting this all out in the open. My secret is out. I am having an affair...with fast food.