Stupid shit people say to large families

I hate the stupid shit that some people say to large families.  If you have 4 or more kids then i'm sure you've probably heard a few (or all) of these lovely little phrases.

Here are some comebacks you can say out loud if you're really brave or feel free to just keep them in your head if you prefer.

Stupid question/comment #1: You're Hands Must Be Full

Answer: No, my hands aren't full, but my ass sure is.  I guess it's all that stress from raising such a large family.  I can't seem to stop eating.

Stupid question/comment #2: Don't you know what birth control is? 

Answer: Yes, we hang your annual Christmas photo greeting card on our fridge and look at it before we have sex.  It's worked quite well.  We would've had a lot more than 5 kids if it weren't for your photos.  Please keep them coming!

Stupid question/comment #3: I don't know how you do it

Answer:  Great! I'll be dropping my kids off at your house at dinnertime.  You can keep them for a week and then the mystery will be solved!

Stupid question/comment #4: Are they all yours?

Answer:  No. I like to collect random kids.  I'm hoping TLC will eventually give me my own reality show.

Stupid question/comment #5: It must be crazy at your house

Answer:  Yeah, my husband is kind of a freak when he dresses up in his….oh wait you weren't talking about that kind of crazy.  Nevermind!

Stupid question/comment #6: You do know what causes this right?  

Answer:  No, I don't.  Can you explain it to me?  I'm a visual learner by the way so pictures work best.

Stupid question/comment #7: Are you having anymore?

Answer: I don't know.  My vagina isn't a Magic 8 ball.

Stupid question/comment #8: I can barely handle 2 kids, I can't imagine 5! 

Answer: Yeah, if I had your kids, I would've stopped at 2 also.

Stupid question/comment #9: Do they all have the same dad? 

Answer: No, some of them belong to your husband.  You'll be hearing from my attorney soon about how much child support he owes me.

Stupid question/comment #10: How can you afford all these kids?

Answer: We hit up random strangers for donations.  How much did you want to donate today?

Stupid question/comment #11: You're done right? 

Answer: Nope, i'll never be done having sex.

Stupid question/comment #12: I could never handle 5

Answer: Yeah, I don't think you could either (and then just leave it at that and let them ponder your answer for a while. It will drive them crazy).  

September is IC Awareness Month

I'm taking a break from my typical funny post to share some information. Today is an important day for people like myself who struggle with a private but painful condition called Interstitial Cystitis (or IC for short).  Sept 1st marks the first day of Interstitial Cystitis Awareness Month so if you aren't aware, I figured i'd shed some light on the subject of this awful disease that affects roughly 3 to 8 million women, and 1 to 4 million men in the United States.  IC is basically a chronically inflamed bladder lining.  While that may not sound so bad, let me tell you, IT IS!  I like to describe it as the worst UTI (urinary tract infection) that you've ever had and times that by 100, and you still haven't even touched the surface of a really bad IC flare.  Unlike a UTI, there is actually no bacteria or infection present to treat so antibiotics wont do a thing and you basically live with chronic pain.  I deal with urgency and frequency issues.  It's a feeling like you have to urinate, but nothing comes out and I deal with a great deal of pressure and burning.  On my really bad days I will have to use the restroom 60-100 times a day.  Not fun at all!  There are treatments for IC, but no cure.  Treatments are hit and miss for every patient.  What works for one person, may not work for another.

Now that i've scared you to death, here is a little post I whipped up to try and lighten the mood:

Benefits to having IC? Has she lost her mind?

While IC is definitely not a laughing matter, I have somehow managed to find a little humor in the situation.  

I have found that there actually are a few hidden benefits to having IC: 

*IC is a get out of sex free card.  Now this may not seem like a positive to some, but let's face it sometimes you are just NOT in the mood.   My husband will say, "How's your IC tonight?" All I have to do is say the magic words, "Not good at all" and the subject is immediately dropped.  Now, i'm not saying i've ever done this…ahem, but i'm just sayin…..

*Oh you peed yourself? No problem!  You have IC!  Yes folks, I can pee my pants and blame it on my IC. Like Milli Vanilli once sang (well okay they didn't actually sing it, but you know what I mean), "Blame it on IC, yeah, yeah"!!!!! 

*Support from fellow IC'ers!  No one understands you like these people do.  There is an immediate connection between IC patients.  You can yell, cry, scream, vent to these people and they will listen without judgment.  We are bonded by our bladders, lol! 

*If you're ever stuck talking to someone you don't like, just start talking about your IC. Nothing makes a person cringe more than describing your irritated bladder that has cracks and ulcers in the lining.  If that doesn't work?  Explain a bladder instillation treatment to them, starting with catheterization.  Awkward!!!! 

*Some docs will give you neat pain pills when things are really bad.  The downside?  You're in massive pain so I guess this one is kind of a trade off.  Other docs just give you those crappy pills that turn your pee bright neon orange.  Here's a fun little idea though….next time you pee in a Target bathroom after taking those pills, don't flush!  You will scare the bejesus out of the person who comes in after you!!!!  I did this to my husband once and I think he thought an alien had snuck in to use our toilet.  He totally freaked! 

*No more exercise!  My doctor has actually forbidden me to exercise.  Yes, you heard that right!  My pelvic floor muscles are so destroyed that I am not even encouraged to walk (walking for exercise that is).   The only exercise i've been permitted to do is yoga.  Yeah, i'll get right on that, lol! 

*Hot baths!  IC is the perfect excuse to take all the hot baths you want.  Calgon take me away (well ok I can't actually use Calgon because of my IC, but the hot baths are still nice).  Too bad Calgon doesn't take away the 5 children banging on my bathroom door though.  

Family Vacation Gone Wild

You may have noticed I just sort of disappeared off the face of the earth a few days ago.  Well I actually did sort of vanish off the face of the earth, lol! We took a 4 day family vacation to my dad's cabin which is about 30 miles away from Bend, OR, completely out in the sticks.  When I say "cabin" what I really mean is house, lol!  My dad's "cabin" is fully furnished and has all the comforts of home, but we still call it "the cabin" for some reason.   This city momma doesn't camp, lol!  I blame my mother for this.  Her idea of camping was sleeping in a hotel.  My mom (who is deceased from cancer), used to say, "If God had wanted us to sleep on the ground, he would've put fur on our backs".   I'm not even a religious person, but it's still one of my all time favorite quotes.

We go to my dad's "cabin" every summer and the kids really love it there.  It's a nice little getaway from the hustle and bustle of the city, however, we don't have internet access at my dad's cabin! GASP!  I didn't realize just how addicted to my iphone I was until I was sitting on the couch watching TV and I felt my thumbs twitching.  I can't even remember the last time I just sat on the couch and watched TV without fiddling with my iphone.  I have to say it was kind of nice to watch a show all the way from the beginning and not have to say, "What happened?" or "What did I miss?"

On the first full day of our trip we took the kids to Cultus Lake.  We love Cultus as it's very family friendly and has a delicious restaurant that serves the best (and biggest) burgers ever!  It's become a tradition to eat there every single summer.  However, we did run into a little snag with our 4 year old son, M.   I don't know what got into the boy but as the waiter was filling up water glasses M says, "And hurry it up".  Oh boy that did not go over well with dad! LOL!  Needless to say he got taken outside for a lecture.  When the waiter came back to take our orders when he got to M, he said, "And hurry it up right?" We had to giggle that at least he had a sense of humor.  Don't worry, we left a big tip for the waiter for putting up with our obnoxious family.

After lunch we headed out to the lake.   We found a somewhat remote spot with shallow water.  The only problem?  It was FREEZING cold!   It wasn't so bad once you got used to it, but I let out a scream when I first got in.  J and I managed to make it out into the lake about waist deep.   My tankini top was getting a little loose and my girls were starting to poke out the sides little (hey 5 kids and no underwire in the swim suit top equals a stressful situation).   My hubby was like, "Babe fix your top. Your boobs are going to fall out".  So I asked him to re-tie the back of my top for me as it ties around my neck and is almost impossible to tie it by myself.  J untied the knot and started to tighten it.  Just then M trips over a rock and falls so J screams and completely drops my bathing suit ties, and down goes my top all the way down to my waist.  OH MY GOD!  I screamed and put my hands over my boobs and ducked down into the water.  Luckily my kids didn't see it as they were focused on M, but I'm praying that no one on the shore had a camera with a zoom or i'm in big trouble!  So much for trying to prevent my boobage from showing!!  I swear there is always something that goes wrong during every family vacation. I could probably fill this entire blog with vacation gone wrong stories, lol!  Aside from the bathing suit mishap, this trip actually went pretty good.  Other highlights were feeding the fish at the hatchery and the water park at Sunriver (the kids LOVED this and of course now we'll have to go every single summer).

Being out in the wilderness really forces you to ditch the technology and just come together as a family.    The best part of the trip for me was driving 20 minutes alone to the nearest town for some coffee (no unfortunately there isn't a Dutch Bros out in the woods, lol).  I got stuck behind some grandma going 35 in a 55, and at first my city instincts were to honk and get mad, but as I looked at the wide open road in front of me and the beautiful scenery, I realized I needed to chill and enjoy the drive.  The sun was shining, my sunglasses were on, I had a white chocolate caramel mocha in my hand, and M83 playing.  Pretty darn close to perfection :)

My view: Ignore the tree sap on my windshield

Family Photos: 

Bringing the chaos outside so hide your pets and close your windows!

Hmmm, what can I destroy out here? 

 Someday I will rule the world, but first I must master potty training...

I found a stick. Who will I smack upside the head first?

 Don't let my dimples fool you….

Bo's, "Hell no I wont let you win!" 

The neighbor doesn't really need those flowers does he?

Faster than a speeding Bobears! I hope this isn't a sign of things to come…yikes! 

What Pretty Little Ladies You Have

I knew it was time to get our 4 year old son's haircut when even his own great grandmother said, "And who is this adorable little girl?" when she came over to visit, lol!  Yes, she seriously thought one of the neighbor kids was over for a play date.

Then a few weeks ago I was sitting in the drive thru and the cashier poked her head out of the window and said, "How are you little ladies doing today?"  Innocent question right?  Not if the only kids in your car are your 4 & 2 year old sons, lol!  Ooops!  

Ironically I never cared for long hair on guys (still don't), but for some reason I get super emotional  over the subject of cutting my son's hair.  He's the biggest momma's boy you've ever seen and he was completely, totally bald until he was almost 3.  The thought of cutting his blond, curly locks is just too much for me.  Plus, I think he rocks the long hair look!  He reminds me of a California surfer boy.  

My husband ended up winning the argument and I allowed him to take our son to the barber.  Our 2 year old son is still off limits at this point.  

Here are some before shots:  

My teen is a lost cause. He wont cut his hair and even telling him he has Bieber hair doesn't bother him. 

After: 

I do really love his new haircut, but when he first came home it was like looking at a completely different child emerging from the minivan.  I'm still not used to it and I find myself missing his long, curly, messy locks. He looks so much older than he did with long hair and it's so hard for me to let this one go.  I just want him to stay my baby boy forever.  

How to Mess Up a Boxed Cake Mix

I don't know how I do it, but somehow I managed to royally f@#k up a Betty Crocker store bought cake mix.  I told you I was seriously creatively challenged and I wasn't kidding (if you had any doubts before, I think you will believe me now).   Even my husband was like, "What in the hell is that?" when he saw the finished product.  It's bad.  REALLY bad.  I make the people on Cake Wrecks look like seasoned professionals.  If you haven't checked out this website, you should because it's hilarious!  http://www.cakewrecks.com/

As you can see my poor cake was f@#ked from the beginning, lol!

But I didn't stop there. It just kept getting worse…..

Just when you think it can't possibly turn into anymore of a train wreck, I add sprinkles. I can't even do that right as the majority of them are clumped in the middle…sigh.  

This is why I blog and don't bake.   I don't think cake decorating is in my future.   Oh and in case you're wondering we're buying a cake for our daughter's birthday party next weekend.  

Bandaids Peanutlayne Style

Today can only be described as one of those days where you're knee deep in the pits of hell and you find yourself asking, "WTF was I thinking having all these kids?"

Here are a few highlights from today:

*My 2 year old just took his diaper off and peed all over the floor.

*My 4 & 7 year old's are competing to win this year's title of Worst Behaved Heathen of 2012.  It's a really close competition and could go either way.

*My teens…do I even need examples for them?

Today is my daughter's 13th birthday and I feel bad that her day is filled with total chaos, but then again our days are always filled with chaos no matter what the occasion.   Although today is her actual birthday she is having two birthday parties on different days (one with my dad, and a sleep over next weekend which means I will pay you to let me sleep over at your house)!!!

We needed to drop an invitation off with her friend so I told her I would take her to Jamba Juice for a smoothie (I promise we have better things planned for her b-day tonight, lol).   Before we left I needed to shave my legs because I have 5 kids so that equals chronically unshaven Chia Pet legs.   Not having any time to shower, I propped my dry, flaky, "this chick really needs a tan" legs up on the counter and pulled out one of my new Dollar Tree razors (we're living large).   I might has well have shaved my legs with a cheese grater because that's what they looked like when I was through with them!

I'm on heparin right now because of a medical condition so of course my legs bled, and bled, and bled and by this point i'm thinking, "Shit am I going to need to call an ambulance because i'm a moron who dry shaves her legs on heparin?"   I tried unsuccessfully for about a half an hour with cotton swabs, tissue, ointments, but my legs would not stop bleeding.   One would think, "Duh, just use some bandaids genius".   Do you know how rare bandaids are in a house with 5 kids?   Bandaids might as well be treated like liquid gold in our house.  They just don't exist!

I was sitting on the toilet cutting little pieces of packing tape with child safety scissors and taping little patches of tape all over my legs and the funny thing is I didn't think anything of it.  I can't possibly be the only mom out there who does stuff like this, am I?

You're probably wondering if I went to Jamba Juice with little patches of packing tape all over my legs.       You bet your sweet a@@ I did!  My capri's covered the majority of the tape and this is Portland!  Anything goes here, including packaging tape on the legs.