Today I played a little game in hopes that it would lift my drooping spirits (too bad it wont help with drooping breasts but that's for another post). I hid the bag of mini 3 Musketeers bars and the kids are running around in a panic trying to find it. This has allowed me to sit down at the computer for 5 minutes in hopes that some words would flow out of my keyboard. So here I go….these are the thoughts that run through my head on any given Friday (really you should just turn away right now because this post that follows is most likely to be a train wreck).
My good jokes have run scarce lately just like toilet paper in this house, which you all know is liquid gold when you have 7 people in the house and buy the Winco brand cheapy packs in order to save money. Hey, judge all you want, but we can't afford the $8 mega packs of Charmin. Instead we buy two, $4 packages of Angel Soft in a week (AKA it will stick to your hiney like glue), and yes, I realize that I end up spending the same amount as if I just bought the damn Charmin, but it makes me feel like i'm saving money.
Someone from my past who will remain nameless has been a big doody head and has caused me so much stress lately that my IC is saying, "We're going to make you feel like you're peeing out razor blades for the next week." I would reach in and rip out my bladder if I could figure out how to pee without it. And yes, now i'm just being graphic. Run away while you still can fellow bloggers! Run away!
Peanut has decided that sleeping is something that only people in China do, and I hate all Oregon drivers. Yep, hate them. Today some jackwagon pulled out in front of me like his freaking life depended on it, only to slam on his breaks and drive 5 mph. And please, don't even get me started on the dipshits in the carpool lane at my daughter's school! I mean it says in big, bold letters…..DROP OFF ZONE ONLY. DO NOT PARK YOUR CAR. DRIVER TO REMAIN BEHIND THE WHEEL. So, why then, dear fellow Oregon driving parents, do you INSIST on parking your car and hogging up the one and only drop off zone, so I have to find a parking spot, walk 4 blocks in the rain, making my daughter late for school again, and i'm forced to walk her into the office in my pajamas with my mouth clenched shut (because honestly I haven't had a chance to brush my teeth yet, so i'm unable to actually speak to anyone because I have morning breath that is pretty brutal considering the last thing I ate last night was barbecue chicken pizza at midnight.)
To the lady who called into the radio show this morning and didn't know the answer to today's movie trivia, you are as useful as a poopy flavored lollipop. This was the clip: "I was in here yesterday and you wouldn't wait on me? You people work on commission, right? Big mistake. Big. Huge. I have to go shopping now." Your answer of "Um, I think it was Eat, Pray, Love" made me feel better about my life, so perhaps I should thank you for being a moron.
I could honestly go on and on with this post but I think that's enough hatred and dysfunction for one Friday afternoon. Oh and my kids are now reaching the manic stage of their candy bar search. I'll admit, i'm finding it pretty entertaining and it's been awhile since i've felt like smiling. Blogging. Cheaper than therapy, and more fun than hitting yourself upside the head with a 2x4 (or at least I think, as i've actually never tried this.)
My good jokes have run scarce lately just like toilet paper in this house, which you all know is liquid gold when you have 7 people in the house and buy the Winco brand cheapy packs in order to save money. Hey, judge all you want, but we can't afford the $8 mega packs of Charmin. Instead we buy two, $4 packages of Angel Soft in a week (AKA it will stick to your hiney like glue), and yes, I realize that I end up spending the same amount as if I just bought the damn Charmin, but it makes me feel like i'm saving money.
Someone from my past who will remain nameless has been a big doody head and has caused me so much stress lately that my IC is saying, "We're going to make you feel like you're peeing out razor blades for the next week." I would reach in and rip out my bladder if I could figure out how to pee without it. And yes, now i'm just being graphic. Run away while you still can fellow bloggers! Run away!
Peanut has decided that sleeping is something that only people in China do, and I hate all Oregon drivers. Yep, hate them. Today some jackwagon pulled out in front of me like his freaking life depended on it, only to slam on his breaks and drive 5 mph. And please, don't even get me started on the dipshits in the carpool lane at my daughter's school! I mean it says in big, bold letters…..DROP OFF ZONE ONLY. DO NOT PARK YOUR CAR. DRIVER TO REMAIN BEHIND THE WHEEL. So, why then, dear fellow Oregon driving parents, do you INSIST on parking your car and hogging up the one and only drop off zone, so I have to find a parking spot, walk 4 blocks in the rain, making my daughter late for school again, and i'm forced to walk her into the office in my pajamas with my mouth clenched shut (because honestly I haven't had a chance to brush my teeth yet, so i'm unable to actually speak to anyone because I have morning breath that is pretty brutal considering the last thing I ate last night was barbecue chicken pizza at midnight.)
To the lady who called into the radio show this morning and didn't know the answer to today's movie trivia, you are as useful as a poopy flavored lollipop. This was the clip: "I was in here yesterday and you wouldn't wait on me? You people work on commission, right? Big mistake. Big. Huge. I have to go shopping now." Your answer of "Um, I think it was Eat, Pray, Love" made me feel better about my life, so perhaps I should thank you for being a moron.
I could honestly go on and on with this post but I think that's enough hatred and dysfunction for one Friday afternoon. Oh and my kids are now reaching the manic stage of their candy bar search. I'll admit, i'm finding it pretty entertaining and it's been awhile since i've felt like smiling. Blogging. Cheaper than therapy, and more fun than hitting yourself upside the head with a 2x4 (or at least I think, as i've actually never tried this.)
Go directly to the liquor cabinet, pour a big vodka, pass the fridge and get chocolate, do not pass the laundry room do not interact with children, head for the bathtub with a device which plays music or television. Immerse oneself into warm water and do not come out til dinner time . :)
ReplyDeleteFridays are awesome!
Oh, my! At least I know all the stupid people aren't in Southern Illinois.
ReplyDeleteJust for some help. I don't know how the prices there are, but Quilted Northern doesn't stick as bad as Angel Soft, and it doesn't clog up the pipes like Charmin. (just my two cents)
I bake to relieve stress and I'm telling you, you need to bake something. You'll probably be more frustrated but I'll be happier (as soon as you post pictures)!
ReplyDeleteAlso, then you get to eat it. Cake makes everything better.
DeleteSending you a huge hug and 5 minutes of quiet.....use as needed.
ReplyDeleteJust today I was wondering how long it would be before I'd be able to just tuck my droopy boobs into my pants. This getting old thing is for the birds. Pass the 3 musketeers!
ReplyDeleteI am so loving this post. Love love love. Love. There's alot of poopy flavored lollipop stuff going on in my family and life of late as well. Hugs and vodka shots.
ReplyDeleteHello, I am just dropping by to let you know I nominated your blog for an award. Hop over to my site to check it out http://lillythroughthevalley.blogspot.ca/2012/10/a-joyful-monday-blog-day.html#more
ReplyDeleteCandice
Good God woman, I hope your weekend was better! At this point I am usually pouring myself a drink, but what the hell--why didn't you just rip open the bag of 3 Muskateers and indulge? Chocolate makes a decent substitute for wine and is proven to relieve stress!
ReplyDelete