The biggest surprise yet!

It's Sunday morning and typically on Sunday mornings, I'm sitting on the floor with the baby, covered in spit up while looking fabulous in my stained, stretched out mom-jamas.  However, today I don't have much time to sit around because in a few short minutes we are getting picked up by a driver and headed to the airport for the final phase of our Diary of a Wimpy Kid surprise!

In case you missed the other surprises, part one of our DOAWK surprise was a one on one Facetime with the super famous author and creator, Jeff Kinney. With his newest book just a couple of days away from being released, we were so honored and appreciative that he took time out of his insanely busy schedule to give us a personalized tour of his studio/office.

Part one would've been more than enough for us as it was seriously one of the nicest, coolest things anyone has ever done for our family, but Jeff didn't stop there.  He sent Mahlon an advance copy of his book, Double Down, before it was available to the general public.  He literally gave M his own copy that was sitting on his desk and had it overnighted to our house.  The only stipulation was that M couldn't take it to school or share the contents of the book with anyone until the actual release date. Not only did M uphold his promise, he wouldn't even let my husband and I flip through the contents the book because "I could get Jeff in trouble mom and he could lose his job."  So yeah, he guarded that book with his life! As if that wasn't enough, Jeff also mailed a second advanced copy a day later, and this one was autographed for our family (but M still made us wait to read it until after the release date).

So here we are at part three and I still can't believe this is all happening. Typically a surprise in the Peanut Layne household includes something important breaking down like the washing machine or automatic door locks in our vehicle going out, or better yet, multiple family members all contracting the stomach virus at the same time, so this was a welcome surprise for once!

I don't want to give too much of our surprise away just yet, but it includes an in person meeting with Jeff Kinney!! So excited!!  I will be posting some photos on my Instagram and Facebook account while we're on our trip, and then posting a big update on my blog when we return home. 

Today our average, ordinary family gets to experience the rock star life for a moment.  I bet this is how the Kardashians feel on a daily basis and poor Kim probably wishes she was me, living an ordinary life in Bend with a broken down SUV, Circo brand purse with dried baby puke splattered on the front, and a house full of vomit towels to wash from when we all had the the stomach flu--okay so maybe not. However, unlike Kim, I wont be posting any pictures of my naked hiney because it's not nearly as full and round as hers, and I have no idea how she got it so shiny (not so sure I really want to know).  It was Kim who posted her shiny hiney, right? I'm a little fuzzy with my reality TV knowledge.

So, now that I'm using phrases like "shiny hiney" I think it's probably best that I quit while I'm ahead and say goodbye for now and I should probably change out of my mom-jamas before the driver shows up and thinks he arrived at the wrong house.  

Thank you so much to everyone for all of the love and support you've shown Mahlon and our entire family! We truly appreciate it so much!!

I'm back and here to discuss super important stuff like botox, big bird, and bathroom stalls without doors.

Okay, so I know i've been MIA lately.  And no it's not because i've been hiding out from the whole politics/election thing.  The only politics I will ever discuss on this blog is the difference between Starbucks and Dutch Bros Coffee (and i'm on team Dutch Bros in case you're wondering).

Shockingly enough there actually are more important topics than politics. For example right this very second, there is somebody out there who is running to the toilet with explosive diarrhea or hunched over the bowl vomiting their guts out and praying for sudden death.  It's true.  While most people were bickering on Facebook over which political candidate they thought was going to rule or ruin our country, I was curled up on the bathroom rug (and you all know how gross those things are) and wishing I could Freaky Friday my life with Kim Kardashian.  She can puke her guts out, and i'll happily spend money I didn't earn, while figuring out how to eat my $50 salad after getting my fish lips botoxed for the 900th time.   

But let me back up a little.  It all started on Saturday.  Early morning soccer game to be exact. Yuck.  I woke up with severe constipation.  It's a problem i've always had, since I was little. It's not uncommon for me to go two weeks or more.  I know you're probably reading this and thinking, "Is this chick serious? She thinks it's appropriate to discuss bowel movements on a blog?" Considering the most common Google search phrases to direct people to my blog are, "Pooping your pants" and "Peeing your pants while driving" I would say this post fits right in.  Even though I felt like I had a small child dancing on my colon, I got the privilege of driving my older daughter to her game out of town. Lucky, lucky me.  By the time I got to the game, I was in such bad shape that I didn't even get out of the van.  I was one of those horrible mothers who watched the game (okay more like text messaged friends) from inside the driver's seat of my minivan.  In my defense you could actually pull right up to the field so I had just as good of a view as I would've sitting next to all the douchenozzles (er, I mean fellow soccer parents) on the field. 

I made the fatal error of pounding a medium white chocolate caramel mocha while I watched the game. By the time half time rolled around, I was in agony.  And no people, i'm not talking about poop here, I was literally trying not to pee my pants.  There was a grocery store down the street but I had to go so urgently (remember I have a little disease called IC) that there was no way in hell I was going to make it.  So, I looked to my left and there was a playground with a concrete building that looked like it had a bathroom.   

I ran inside and paused.  No freaking way.   

Yep, I peed without a door. 

As if my day surely couldn't get any lower than urinating in a public restroom without doors, I had to go to my younger daughter's soccer game.  And this time we had to bring both boys who are two and five. Here's something funny.  Boys that age don't sit. Oh hell no!  I spent the entire freaking game chasing after Peanut, while shooting my hubby death ray looks for purposely being oblivious to the fact that I was busting my ass chasing after them.  

Here's a rare picture of them actually sitting (before the game started of course): 

You'd think that after a day like this I could go home and drink (I mean rest).  Nope. I had the end of the soccer season party to attend, while still dealing with massive constipation. And make small talk with people I don't like.  

And pretend that these were cute. Gross. 

So, you're probably thinking I made it home and was in the clear, right?  Ha! You must not read my blog on a regular basis.  I decided that since my life didn't suck enough already, I was going to try to relieve my problems with these puppies: 

Here's a tip: Never, ever (ever) take these pills unless you're one of those freaks who believes in self torture.  Not only did they not work, but I got hit with a GI virus that very same weekend, most likely from one of the little grubby monsters at the soccer party who were walking around touching everything without washing their hands (this is why I should never go out in public).  By Monday morning, I was in such bad shape that I couldn't even tell you which day of the week it was.  Election what? By this point I was so delirious that Tom Cruise and Big Bird could've been running for president for all I knew.  I spent the night in the hospital, and was treated for severe dehydration.  I can't say that i've been taking it easy because I have five kids at home so i'm not even sure what "taking it easy" means, but I did force myself to take a break from my blog.  I want to thank all of you who sent me positive thoughts and well wishes.  I missed all of you greatly.  I'm baaaaack bitches (i've always wanted to say that. Check one off my bucket list.)