Help, i'm married to soccer dad

It all started last year.  Our daughters decided to play soccer for the first time.  My husband is a die hard sports fan (mostly football).  Our entire fall schedule revolves around NFL and college football games. I wish I was joking. His teams are the Redskins and Seahawks in case you are also a die hard football fan and were curious.

This was us at a Seahawks/Redskins game in Seattle (in the rain and the cold)

The things we do for love....

Soccer was always the forbidden sport in our home.  My hubby would make a face when I would buy the kids anything with a soccer ball on it. He would roll his eyes and make derogatory comments about soccer and how football (NFL) was superior.  I always thought his dislike for soccer was lame and stupid but whatever, i'm also not a die hard sports fan so what do I know (or care)?

Anyways, the more our girls got into soccer, the more my husband's attitude started to change.  Then one day he was asked to shoot a Portland Timbers match (he's a professional videographer/photographer). He came home from the match and kept talking about how amazing it was.  I was surprised he enjoyed it so much, especially since he never cared for soccer before, but he talked about it for a few days and then I didn't hear much about it.

Spring soccer season started in March. Our older daughter decided she didn't play to again. No biggie. It wasn't her thing.  However, our 8 year old, is hooked. She lives and breathes soccer these days.  I don't know what changed in my husband from fall soccer season to the spring, but holy crap, he has turned into soccer dad on steroids!

He got to shoot another soccer match a couple of weeks ago, although this time it was the Portland Thorns (women's professional team).  He ended up being able to get free tickets for the girls and since he was going to be down on the field shooting, this meant I needed to come along to chaperone. Goody. I was not thrilled as i'm not much of a sports person and I know jack squat about soccer except for the fact that I know you're trying to kick the ball into the net. That's about it. I was a gymnast and a tennis player growing up. I never played soccer.

We went to the match and i'll admit, I had a much better time than I was expecting. I wouldn't say i'm a soccer fan, but I don't hate it either and I guess that's a pretty big deal since i'm not a sports chick.  However, my husband has become completely, totally, utterly obsessed.  I'm talking Fatal Attraction obsessed with soccer.  He got us more tickets for last Thursday night's Thorns match and this time he didn't have to shoot the match so he would be watching with us.  My reaction was, "We're going on a weeknight? At night? In the cold and the rain?"   His reaction, "Hell yeah. It's gonna be awesome."  Okay then.

But it didn't stop at the ticket purchase.  Oh no!  The following day I got non stop texts about how he wants to purchase season tickets for the Thorns.  Season freaking tickets.  Holy shitballs!  Not only that but he was practically foaming at the mouth to text me all day about various Timbers matches that we could buy tickets for, and the price difference between the Timbers and the Thorns and which sections of seats we would want and holy poop i'm getting tired just typing this.  My response, was "Babe, I think you need to splash some cold water on your face and get some coffee.  Deep breaths. Pace yourself."

Thursday night arrived and the hubby was bursting with excitement.  We got there an hour early. I'm not kidding. A freaking hour early.  We wore our Timbers shirts because we don't have Thorns shirts yet.  Yes, I caved and bought a Timbers shirt since I figure i'll probably be going to multiple matches whether I want to or not.

While we were walking about Jeld Wen field and trying to kill oh say an extra hour of spare time, my husband started talking about all the things I need to order online.  A Timbers scarf, a Thorns scarf, various jerseys and t-shirts.   I already bought a Timbers shirt, is that not enough? Apparently not. We have to be completely decked out head to toe.

The game (or match or whatever) started and that's when the screaming and yelling began. I looked at him and shushed him. It didn't phase him.

There's the Timbers Army....

and then there's my husband.  There's not much of a difference.

Our daughter had her final soccer game of the season on Saturday. It was our first and only loss. I think my hubby took it harder than she did. During the game he yelled, he cheered, he pouted when they lost. He even did the tunnel at the end of the game. Oh jeezus the tunnel! He's already counting down the days until summer soccer camp starts and then before we know it, fall season will start.  He even made a comment about how he would love to coach the girls next year, but he doesn't know all the rules since he didn't play soccer himself. 

For some reason this image suddenly popped into my head: 

We spent our weekend watching the Timbers and then he also decided to watch other MLS matches because, well, that's how he is. Once he gets into something, he is all about it. 

I'm really happy that now not only do our weekends revolve around football and UFC, but we can throw soccer into the mix. In my next life i'm marrying a sensitive ponytail man (yes, i'm making a Singles movie reference), who thinks sports are dumb and Steel Magnolias is the best movie ever made. 

You know you have a lot of kids when...

I love having a larger than average family.  However, some days I have that, "Oh my geez, we have a lot of kids" feeling. I grew up with just one younger brother. One sib! We each got our own row in the minivan. My kids are practically seated on top of each other. Who needs car seats when you have older siblings to help hold you down? I'm totally kidding, so please save your hate mail if you're one of those car seat nazis.

If you think you might have a lot of kids, but you aren't sure, this is an easy check list. If you find yourself answering yes to most or all of them, then yes, you're right there with me sister. I must note that as a mom to lots of kids, it's okay for me to make fun of myself, but we moms of many don't particularly care for others who poke fun at us. So here I go...

You know you have a lot of kids when:

*You go through a loaf of bread in one day. We buy a loaf of bread for each day of the week. You can say we go through more bread than underwear. No Atkins dieters in this house. Sandwiches are a staple. My kids will probably grow up and loathe peanut butter and jelly.

*Your grocery bill costs more than your monthly mortgage payment. Forget about Cheers where everybody knows your name at the local bar. You get the same reaction when you walk through the front entrance of Winco. Despite making a weekly list and checking it twice, you always run out of something (toothpaste, toilet paper, Advil, etc). Winco becomes your home away from home. You could grocery shop and sleep walk. Not a bad idea actually.

*You have no inside voice. Yelling is the new whisper. Okay, so maybe Mrs. Duggar has that super sweet, "Come on kids. Let's go outside and enjoy the daisies" kind of a voice, but I have a sneaking suspicion that she's raised her voice at least once and said, "Come on kids. Get your arses out the door NOW or this bus is leaving without you."

*Your kids couldn't tell you what a leftover is. Food gets eaten, even if it's something the kids don't particularly like all that much. That's not to say we don't have enough food to eat, because we do, but leftovers just don't exist.  Let's just say we have no need for a dog. My 16 year old son does a good enough job of cleaning everyone's plates.

*You don't have an extra seat in your minivan which means you are unable to transport other people's children around. Rats, rats, rats.

*It's cheaper to just buy a yearly membership to the zoo, aquarium, museum, or pretty much any place that offers family memberships. In one visit you've pretty much paid the damn thing off.  And forget about eating in the overpriced cafes that are on site. Your kids know you aren't buying $10 pre-frozen hamburgers and $5 sodas for everyone. We save that kind of financial rapage for Disneyland.

*This brings me to fast food restaurants. A trip to McD's for our clan, can easily cost a small fortune. Add in Redbox rentals for everyone and you probably could've sent your youngest to college.

*You keep all of your baby stuff stored in the garage. You aren't planning on having anymore kids, but you know darn well the second you drop that stuff off at Goodwill, two parallel lines will soon follow. You will keep that damn Rainforest swing in your garage until the day you die, or at least until your mid 80's when you're pretty confident that your ovaries have dried up like raisins and have fallen out in your Depends.

*You will never ever own a family photo where everyone is looking at the camera and smiling. Never.

*If you have a large family and want to add to my list, send it to me and i'll add you to the list along with a link to your blog (or Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, whatever).

Guest post: London Itinerary Fillers for the Family: LEGOLAND

London Itinerary Fillers for the Family: LEGOLAND 

The summer holidays are just around the corner and while many families may choose to ‘wing it’ with the kids, there’s no harm in being a little organised. Breaking up the mundane school break with fun-filled days out will help to keep the kids happy and boasting that their mum and dad are the coolest – no parent can deny the joy of hearing that!

Whether you choose to head abroad for a week in the sun building sandcastles or you choose to head for a campsite closer to home, there are plenty of perfect options for a holiday with the brood. Of course, it’s not all about full-on vacations – it’s amazing how much fun is waiting for us on our doorstep and London is a perfect example.

With plenty of Travelodge rooms in London, you can benefit from affordable family accommodation that places you in the centre of the city – a perfect spot to spend a couple of days appreciating everything that’s on offer. Museums, attractions and family days out are waiting for you to sink your teeth into but the outskirts of London shouldn’t be forgotten either. While your Travelodge room would be an ideal base, why not venture out of the city for one of the days you’re there and head for the family favourite of LEGOLAND.

Just half an hour on the train from Paddington station and you could be walking up to the entry gates to a theme park that is an absolute must-see. First opening in 1996, the park has come on leaps and bounds over the last couple of decades and now provides an all-round awesome day out for little ones and big kids alike.

Located in Windsor, LEGOLAND, fairly obviously, focuses on our favourite construction toy – LEGO. From LEGO themed rides to a Miniland built from 40million LEGO pieces, any fan of this classic toy will love this park.

From the moment you walk through the entrance arch, you will feel like you’ve been transported back to your childhood and your kids will be in their element. Take a picture with the LEGO family or explore the Star Wars Miniland Model Display which will make any sci-fi geek happy.
Rollercoasters including The Dragon are waiting for you, while the water rides are an absolute must – poncho or not! You will be able to while away hours upon hours at this superb family-friendly theme park, before heading back to your London base ready for more fun in the city the following day.
You will find an array of shops scattered across the park, including a ginormous store near the entrance. Don’t even think about visiting this beauty until you’re on your way out of the park – carrying bags of goodies around the theme park will be awkward, to say the least!

Like many amusement parks across the country, entry to LEGOLAND isn’t cheap but it can be made cheaper by taking advantage of coupons, discounts and offers. Keep an eye out for Tesco Clubcard vouchers or Adults Go Free offers on Kellogg’s Cereal Boxes, which will save you over £40 on your entry costs. Take a look at the offers available, today.

*Consideration was received for the editing and publishing of this post. 

A weekend wrap up only I would post

Phew, what a whirlwind it's been lately! I don't want to be one of those douchenozzely bloggers who apologizes for not posting much but i'm gonna be.  As Peanut says, "I sorry."

So, I survived my endometrial biopsy on Friday but holy poop it hurt! I do not recommend this procedure and I have five kids so i'm pretty tough when it comes to exams on my hoohaw. I was not prepared for this biopsy at all.  When I got there and saw all the medical supplies lying on the counter I started to sweat. The nurse said, "Oh don't worry. It wont hurt that bad. Just a little cramping." I began to relax until my GYN walked in and said, "This is going to hurt. You will be saying, Doc I never want to have this test done again."  Gee, that's reassuring as you're lying sunny side up and butt naked under a crappy, thin sheet!  The biopsy didn't last long but I was seriously wanting to scream out a string of obscenities, or at the very least kick the doc square in his eyeball.

After it was over I couldn't even move.  The doc had to help me up and he said, "How much ibuprofen did you take before you came in? I don't think you took enough."  I looked at him like, "HUH?" as I was not told to take anything.  He then asked, "You mean the nurse didn't tell you over the phone to take ibuprofen an hour before you came in?" I shook my head no and then gave the nurse the stink eye.  Anyways, the intense labor like contractions went away after about 15-30 minutes, but but I developed a very unpleasant side effect.  My momma would roll over in her grave if she knew I was going to talk about it on my blog but here goes….I have the worst gas i've ever had in my entire life!  I'm talking about knock a donkey over dead in his tracks! Plus the bloating is crazy! I look like Violet in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory after she turns into a giant blueberry, minus the blue hue.  I believe it's from the air being trapped in my abdomen from the procedure, but either way it's super awkward and embarrassing, especially when you have dinner plans with your husband's best friend and his girlfriend at their place.

My husband's friend and his girlfriend do not have kids.  They are one of those gorgeous (you want to hate them but you can't because they are too damn nice) couples.  Feeling bloated and disgusting, I got ready for our dinner date by throwing on some jeans, a spandexy tank top to try to slim out the bloat, and a shirt to go over the secret spandex.  Before we left for their house I tried desperately to get out some of the trapped gas but it wasn't working at all.  My hubby suggested taking two Gas X pills.  I'm convinced that Gas X's secret ingredient is actually gas because it made my gas so much worse!

Anyways, we headed over to their house and I was feeling nervous and sweaty.  My hubby asked me what was wrong and all I could muster out was, "I just hope I don't fart at their house."  His response, "Babe PLEASE don't." Great, added pressure.

We got to their house and greeted the gorgeous, movie star looking couple.  S is a professional costume designer for the film industry.  You can see her work on Grimm as she works full time on the set.  She's adorable, talented, beautiful and yeah, all of that.  I made it through dinner without passing gas by squeezing my hiney cheeks together so tightly, it was as if I was trying to crack some walnuts.  I drank two Diet Pepsi's in the process.  We all sat down on the couch and proceeded to watch a movie.  Considering both A and S work in the film industry, it's a given that you are going to watch a movie when you go over to their house.  You literally cannot leave their house without watching a movie.  It's like that Adventures In Babysitting movie when the kids wander into that nightclub and the man says, "Nobody leaves this stage without singing the blues."  The guys picked Django which didn't make me very happy considering I had just gotten over the nightmares from watching Robocop with the hubby a few weeks prior (hey in my defense it was my first time watching it as my mom wouldn't let me watch it when I was kid because it was so gory. Now I know why. Robocop is super creepy).  I knew I was in for it when I heard that it was a Quentin Tarantino film.  What I didn't know was that mother f'ing movie was THREE hours long!   I was afraid to use their bathroom because I knew I would fart and the bathroom was located right next to the living room, so I held my bulging bladder the entire time. By this time my Pepsi's had kicked in and I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream. I wanted to pee. I just wanted to freaking fart! But I couldn't so I didn't.

I wish I could say the gas problem has passed, but it hasn't. I'm convinced that some trapped air made it's way into my abdomen during the procedure and decided to just set up shop in my intestines.  If the skies of Portland suddenly start to resemble those of Los Angeles, don't worry, it's not pollution, it's just my gas finally making it's way out.

When the decision gets made for you...

Today was rough and this probably isn't the hilarious post you were looking for, although there were definitely some humorous moments thrown into the mix. I had to see my gynecologist today. Why does that word still make me giggle?  Without getting too graphic, i've lost a ridiculous amount of blood in the last three months and it's not stopping. At all. I have an ultrasound tomorrow afternoon and there is a good chance I may be getting a hysterectomy at age 34.

I have so many mixed feelings and I feel like i'm on the verge of crying and just not stopping.  Here's the thing...I don't want anymore kids. I don't. But I don't like the idea of anything permanent being done to my fertility and that's dumb considering I have an antibody problem that would make me carrying a baby to term impossible. My last pregnancy was so high risk that it's ridiculous.  We are so lucky that Peanut survived the pregnancy and is healthy.

How silly is it for a mom of five to be crying about losing her fertility?  Especially when she has multiple medical problems including a serious autoimmune disorder/vasculitis and a million other issues?  But I am.  I'm crying because i'm officially closing that door forever.  I'm crying because I will never be pregnant again, I will never get to feel the excitement of finding out the baby's sex for the first time, or seeing the baby on the ultrasound screen, or the thrill of heading to the hospital to give birth.  And here's another thing I haven't shared, but I can't hold it back. I was recently pregnant and let's just say that things didn't end well and leave it at that.  And I keep thinking about how I could've been getting ready to deliver another baby in July, but instead i'll most likely be getting my reproductive organs yanked out and that hurts my heart in ways that I could never begin to describe.

I have many online friends (since it seems almost all of my friends these days live inside of my computer) who are pregnant or just had babies.  Heck, my sister in law who also happens to be one of my bestest friends (i'm lucky I have an awesome sister in law and not a sucky one), just gave birth a week ago to my newest adorable little nephew and i'm honestly thrilled for her! I have no ill feelings towards pregnant women or moms of newborns.  But i'll admit, walking out of the OB/GYN's office (the same OB/GYN that has been with me through two horrific pregnancies and deliveries and two recent pregnancy losses that have both occurred within the last two years), I suddenly felt very, very sad.  The waiting room was full of women with large blossoming bellies and there I was holding a stupid hysterectomy pamphlet in my hand.

I know that I can't have anymore kids. I know that I shouldn't have anymore kids. I know that I don't want anymore kids.  So what the hell is my problem?  Why can't I just be one of those women who has one or two (or even three) kids and is perfectly content being done.  Why do I have to feel this way?  My husband and I have big plans ahead and having another baby does not fall into those plans.  My dad always reminds me that I can't keep having babies forever and eventually I need to let them grow up so I can enjoy my remaining years and he's right.  I know he's right.  I just wish I could be happy but i'm sad and I know this is a bunch of crazy, rambling, mumbo jumbo and I apologize, but I just really needed to get this out so why not spill my inner most thoughts with thousands of strangers, right?  Geez.

So to lighten up the mood a little, my appointment was a 3 ring circus.  I had to bring my three and five year old sons with me.  I could probably just stop right there and you could use your imagination, but yeah, talk about a disaster!  The doctor has a bin full of germ infested toys in each exam room.  The boys immediately started fighting over a small Nerf ball as I tried to shout out my concerns over the chaos to the medical assistant.  She finally ended up taking the ball away as the boys were practically having a fist fight on the dirty, disgusting floor, and me yelling at them to "Knock it off" was falling on deaf ears.   So, I tell the boys the doctor will be coming in soon.  My son asks, "Have I met this doctor, momma?"  I explained to him that this was the doctor who delivered him and he looked at me with his big brown eyes and said, "You mean he dropped a package off at your doorstep?"  Um, sure, we'll just go with that!

By the time the doctor came in both boys were bouncing off the walls and it was time for me to get undressed so the doctor suggested the boys wait out in the hall.  Before they went out into the hall my five year old tells him, "I play about 50 hours of video games a day", which is not true at all. He hardly plays any video games at all.  Then of course after the doctor tells him, "That's not good. Video games will rot your brain. You should be playing outside" (which he does all day long by the way), he has to chime in again with, "And my brother sits and watches Barney all day" which is also not true as it's a miracle if you can even get Peanut to sit through one 20 minute show. The doctor gave me that look (you know the raised eyebrow look) and I grinned and said, "Boy these guys sure are making me look like mother of the year aren't they?" and the doctor cracked up as we have always joked around with each other. In my opinion you kind of have to joke around with a doctor after he's seen you in some compromising positions.

Tomorrow I have an emergency ultrasound.  This will determine which type of procedure I need done, but basically I will be having some type of permanent uterine procedure done in the next few weeks which will permanently end my fertility and endings are always the hardest for me.

Book Review: Minivans, Meltdowns, and Merlot

Carolyn Coppola had me at hello. Okay, so it wasn't hello, but she definitely had me at Minivans, Meltdowns, & Merlot, which is the title of her book.  I don't think it's possible to pick a better book title.  Even my husband laughed when it saw it sitting on my desk, and it's hard to make that man laugh.

As a mom of five kids ranging in age from teenagers to toddlers, this book felt like the autobiography of my life! I could relate to so many stories that I was literally sitting in my minivan reading the book while my daughter had soccer practice and snort laughing.

I loved every single chapter and that's rare when I read a book.  I definitely had my favorite chapters.  I loved all of the stories about her good friend, Chrissy.  I'm convinced that Chrissy and I are cloned twins separated at birth! The chapter titled, Pancakes aren't just for breakfast is a classic example.  Without giving too much away, Chrissy believes that her son had an accident in the tunnels of the maze at Chuck E Cheese (Are there any parents out there who actually enjoy that place?)  Chrissy climbs into the tunnels in an attempt to track down her son with the leaky, poopy diaper.  I wont give the rest away, but it's absolutely hysterical.  Another favorite Chrissy moment of mine was when she walked into Heavenly Donuts with a pair of underwear stuck to the outside of her coat by a static cling sheet.  If you read my blog then you know that I once made it through an entire Winco shopping trip with a red washcloth stuck to my butt and could not figure out why people were staring and laughing at me until I got home.  I'm telling you, Chrissy and I live parallel lives.

Uncensored had me in stitches. In this chapter her young child learns a bad word from his older siblings. We have this same issue, as I mentioned above that I also have teenagers and toddlers.  She describes an airplane ride from hell, in which she gets stuck sitting next to her little potty mouth and a stuffy, well dressed business man, while her husband chooses to sit with the older kids (i've totally been there).  I won't give away the magic phrase that comes out of her toddler's mouth, but I do believe I broke a rib from laughing so hard.

Fancy pants was another favorite chapter of mine.  As a mom to a child with Sensory Processing Disorder, I could totally relate to her son refusing to wear a pair of pants because they had some orange trim on the inside, thus making them too fancy to wear to school.

I could go on and on listing my favorite chapters, but then i'd be giving the whole book away. So instead, i'm just going to tell you to buy this book because you won't be disappointed.  Well okay, you will be disappointed when you reach the end of the book and then you're forced to actually start watching your daughter's soccer practices.

One word…LICE!!!!

Nothing, and I do mean nothing scares me more than these few little words, "Mom, my head itches."  Seriously I would rather hear there is a deranged serial killer on the loose who has a vendetta against stay at home moms of five, than hear anything about itchy scalps.

So now that you know where this post is headed, my 13 year old daughter came home from school yesterday complaining of scalp itchage. Crossing my fingers she just had an out of control case of dandruff, I nervously gritted my teeth as I had her sit under the lamp and I started picking through her massive head of hair.  No one and I mean no one has more hair than my 13 year old!  She has more hair than the members of the band Poison combined!

I didn't see anything at first and thought I was in the clear. However, upon closer examination, I saw a distinctive brown speck stuck to the hair shaft.  F me running backwards and forwards, we had NITS! NOOOOOO!!!!

I wanted to cry. I mean I would rather do the 30 Day Shred butt ass naked in Times Square than deal with another lice outbreak.  This is not our first rodeo with lice. My younger daughter brought it home from preschool several years ago.  Her entire class had a massive infestation.  By the time we realized she had lice, I had them, my older daughter had them, and we even found a few on my son who was just a toddler at the time and barely had any hair.  My husband is bald, so that lucky bastard has escaped unharmed.  After finding a nit last night, I briefly contemplated about just shaving off all of my hair and joining him.  Perhaps Sinead O'Connor was on to something!

Fortunately I think we caught this particular outbreak before it spread.  I don't seem to have it yet, nor does my younger daughter.  The boys definitely don't have it, and my bald husband has once again been spared.  He also doesn't have to deal with a monthly period.  So unfair!

Out of complete paranoia I covered my entire head with coconut oil and slept with a shower cap on. It was wet, cold, greasy, and awful.  I did the same with both girls.  There I was at 9 pm, digging into the coconut oil with my bare hands and slopping big white chunks of goo onto our heads.  I didn't take a picture.  You're welcome!!!

This morning I took off my shower cap expecting to see dead bugs, but there weren't any.  My younger daughter didn't have any either.  My older daughter didn't have any in the actual shower cap, but you could see a couple of dead bugs hanging off her head.  EWWWWW, so much for eating lunch today!

I tried to wash and dry my hair, but my head was so greasy from the insane amounts of coconut oil that I looked like I had taken a bottle of vegetable oil and just poured it over my head.  I got a brilliant idea to use dish soap on my hair.  Cause nothing says, i'm having a super fabulous day like bending over your bathtub and scrubbing your head with a bottle of cheap, crappy, apple scented Sun dish soap. The dish soap seemed to help because this time after I washed and dried my hair, I was actually able to dry it.  It's still a little slippery, but as long as it doesn't contain live bugs in it, i'll take looking like a Jersey Shore cast member any old day of the week!

I spent an hour and a half combing nits out of my daughter's hair in the backyard and tonight we'll treat her head again (this time with Lice Free spray as that stuff is amazing and not as messy as coconut oil). Then I get the pleasure of combing through her 10,000 lbs of hair looking for more nits.

It's a glamorous life I lead.  I'm sure Fergie had me in mind when she was singing, "The glamorous, the glamorous, oh the flossy, flossy."  Whatever the hell that even means is beyond me, but yeah, until she comes up with a song about a stressed out mom of five picking lice out of her children's hair in the backyard, i'll take it!

Now excuse me while I go burn all of the hair brushes in the house and wash the 900th load of laundry since yesterday.