Oh NO he didn't!

Welcome to the secret subject swap!  The secret subject swap was created by Karen at Baking in a Tornado.  Please visit Karen's blog to see a full list of all participating bloggers. If you aren't familiar with the swap, each brave blogger picked a secret subject for someone else and were assigned a secret subject to interpret in their own style. Today we are all simultaneously divulging our topics and submitting our posts. 

My secret subject prompt was: I can't believe that man just______ 
It was submitted by Bad Word Mama 

A couple of years ago I was at home with the kids while my husband was at work.  I was knee deep in the throws of an ordinary day, which for me consisted of mountains of laundry to fold, dishes to wash, a baby to feed, a mess in the kitchen, etc.   Shortly after lunch the doorbell rang.  I peeked out of the blinds and saw the familiar outline of the brown UPS truck through the crack. It wasn't unusual for UPS to be making a delivery at our address.  I was a frequent Amazon shopper and bought many household items, including diapers and wipes.  In fact the busy Christmas season had recently ended and UPS was delivering packages to my house so often that I actually became pretty friendly with the UPS driver.  He was a young guy who was very friendly and not to mention, easy on the eyes.

However, this time when the doorbell rang, I was greeted by an unfamiliar face.  There was a new UPS delivery guy standing at my doorstep, but whatever. It really didn't matter. He verified my name and then handed me the oversized box of diapers and I set it down by my feet.  My toddler kept trying to make a run for the open door.  Peanut who just a baby at the time, kept crawling to my feet and attempting to pull himself up by grabbing a handful of my yoga pants.

Eager to shut the door so I could maintain some control of the kids, I reached for the electronic tablet where you sign your name.  And that's when it happened.  He asked me the dreaded question.  A question you never, ever, EVER ask a woman….

"So, you're expecting?"

I looked up at him confused.  Surely he didn't say what I think he just said!  Did he not see my infant son crawling at my feet?!

I somehow managed to squeak out, "Expecting what?"  The UPS man quickly replied with, "Another baby. You're pregnant aren't you?"

Stunned and mortified I racked my brain for something, ANYTHING to say during this horribly, awkward moment.  I wanted to scream.  I wanted to cry.  I wanted to punch him square in the nut sack! But I didn't.  Instead I shook my head and said, "I'm not pregnant."

But he didn't stop there.  Oh no! This time he held out his arms in front of his stomach, as if he was trying to create a make shift pregnant stomach (a huge, pregnant stomach I might add).  He said, "Oh my mistake. I thought you were pregnant.  You totally look pregnant."

By this point I was done.  I gave him the most disgusted look I could possibly muster and pretty much slammed the door in his face.  I was shaking, trembling, and heartbroken.  I know it sounds silly to some and I should've just shrugged it off and went about my day.  But, i'm sensitive and I was already feeling a little (okay a lot) self conscious about my less than perfect, post baby body.  I mean I have had five kids. FIVE! And it's not that i'm that big (well I am now, but I wasn't back then).  I was in fairly decent shape considering that I had recently given birth not that long ago.

I called my husband and sobbed into the phone.  I told him the details word for word.  I was crying so hard that I was a blubbering hot mess of hormones and despair.   My husband was my hero that day.  As soon as we got off the phone with each other, he looked up the customer service number for UPS and asked to speak to a manager.  The first person he spoke with was a female customer service rep.  My husband briefly explained the situation to her, and the first thing out of her completely horrified mouth was, "Oh NO he didn't!!!!" in reference to the jackass of a UPS driver.

I have no idea whatever happened to the UPS driver, or if his manager actually talked to him or not, but I do know that he never came back to our house again.  

Secret Subject Swap

"The Secret Subject Swap" includes nine brave bloggers who agreed to take on the challenge of being assigned a subject and interpreting it into a piece written in our own style. Everyone involved picked a secret subject for someone else and was also assigned one to complete on their own.  Today we are spilling the beans on what we were assigned and what we submitted.

Here are the links to all nine bloggers featuring secret subject swap posts today. We seem to think we're pretty funny, so please come check out our blogs and see if you agree! 

http://BakingInATornado.blogspot.com

http://followmehome.shellybean.com  

http://happy-little-feet.blogspot.ca/

http://stacysewsandschools.wordpress.com/

http://sorrykid.blogspot.com/

http://www.peanutlayne.com/

http://dinoheromommy.com/

http://mybrainonkids.net/

http://momofbigalittlea.blogspot.com/

My secret subject is "If you had 24 hours to spend with any person in the world (it must be someone you've not yet met) who would it be and what would you do?" It was submitted by http://BakingInATornado.blogspot.com

Here goes: 

If I could choose anyone in the world to spend 24 hours with, I would choose Roseanne Barr.  She is my comedic inspiration, my parenting role model, my ambassador of quan.  I faithfully watch Roseanne re-runs every single day and laugh at her hilarious and witty comebacks.  I admire her so much that I even wrote an essay about her in college, despite my writing professor's warning that she thought it was a really bad idea.  However, I ignored her desperate pleas to pick a more safe and universal topic (AKA boring and douchenozzely) and wrote my essay all about the Roseanne show and how it changed the world. Sure enough this girl right here got an A!  If only computers still had floppy disk drives I could show you my brilliantly written essay, but unfortunately it's lost in a technology time warp.

Whenever I need a pick me up or i'm having one of those annoying, weak, whiny ass, girl moments, I look up Roseanne quotes for some inspiration and strength.

These are a just a few of my favorites (I really love them all):

As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I've done my job. 

The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it. 

I'm a comic, and I'm supposed to outrage and make people laugh, Part of makin' people laugh is to shake up their thinkin'. That's what I came here to do. 

As someone who lost my mother at the painfully young age of 18 from a long battle with cancer, I found myself lacking a strong female role model in my life.  Not only did I lose my mom at 18, but I also had my first child that same year, just nine months after my mother's death.  I didn't have any parenting role models, other than the precious, fading memories of my own mother.  In many ways Roseanne reminds me a lot of my own mother.  She's funny, smart, honest, opinionated, loud, and tougher than nails.  Perhaps that's why I was so drawn to Roseanne in the first place. I wasn't blessed with any sisters (or cursed as some would say). My grandmothers both died young, and the rest of my family is…well, freaking nuts!  My dad remarried about 8 years ago, but his wife doesn't even have any kids, and she has made it abundantly clear that she never wanted them and doesn't particularly like children. She has two dogs that she considers to be her kids.  She really, honestly, seriously thinks that having dogs is the same as having kids, although she really knows nothing about kids because she's never had any. Yeah, she's one of those…sigh.  I guess you can say Roseanne is my surrogate mother.  Roseanne, if for some reason you come across this post someday, I promise i'm not some creepy stalker chick that needs to be slapped with a restraining order!

I'm not really sure what Roseanne and I would do for 24 hours, other than trade some wisecracks and maybe tee-pee some crooked politician's houses if she were up for it.  Honestly I don't know and I don't care, because just to be in the same room with her would be an absolute honor!