Showing posts with label I Just Want To Pee Alone. Show all posts
Showing posts with label I Just Want To Pee Alone. Show all posts

Thursday, November 3, 2016

My response to being called the "Worst mom in America"

*This post is in response to this lovely little article written by someone at NYDN who most likely didn't even read my original post.

Hi there!  We haven't been formally introduced yet. My name is Kristen, and according to you, I'm the "Worst mom in America."  Which I have to tell you, as a mother of six, I've heard it many times before.  You see, I've raised two teenagers, and teens tend to say these kinds of things a lot, typically while rolling their eyes and slamming their bedroom door in your face because you dared to say no to some entirely inappropriate request like, "Can I stay out until midnight on a school night?"

Since you're the professional writer, and I'm just a lowly mommy blogger, I hope you don't mind that I'm offering some assistance in pointing out the many inaccuracies in your article, since you seemed to really struggle to gather the actual facts in my post.

1) The photo of the name tags.  You pointed out that I took a picture of the name tags of the party guests who were invited. I didn't. Those were actually "Diary of a Wimpy Kid" character names, so I'm guessing you haven't actually read the series since you failed to recognize any of their names. I bet you feel slightly embarrassed over this little blunder, but it's okay. M said he's more than happy to mail you a copy of one of his DOAWK books so you can familiarize yourself with the characters. He's a very generous little boy.

This was a picture of a GAME we found online.
These are DOAWK characters, not actual party guests

2) The photo of the "uneaten cake" which I'm assuming you think we left sitting alone on the table to collect cake dust?  Lots of moms take photos of the cake before it's hacked up into millions of pieces. I paid good money for that custom cake topper, and darn it, I wanted a photo!  And OF COURSE we ate the cake!!! Did you miss the part where I said I have a four kids living at home? The kids were waiting to tear into that poor unsuspecting cake the second I set it down on the counter. We demolished that cake as soon as we finished eating pizza, and whatever small amount was leftover got eaten for breakfast the following morning (since I'm the worst mom in America, I might as well defend my title).

This photo was taken a couple of hours BEFORE the party. 
Then it got eaten. And M would be proud to be 
compared to the Wimpy Kid on the cake (his name is Greg Heffley by the way) as you so rudely stated in your article

3) The goody bags that we "laid out to horrify our son".  Again, another fatal error in your fact checking here. M set the table BEFORE the party. He wanted it to look nice, and I think he did a pretty good job of setting the table for a nine year old.  I wish he had the same enthusiasm for setting the table at dinner time, but that's a whole other topic.  The empty spaces were promptly filled in by family members, as you can see in this photo here:


4) "And then made him stand there, alone, until the garbagemen came."

How many times do I have to say it?  All of the photos of him posing alone were taken BEFORE the party. The only photo that was taken after the party fiasco was of him at the bowling alley.  And I made him stand there alone?  Pffffft. I only wish I had that kind of power over my kids!!

So this brings me back to your first paragraph when you insinuate (no rather accuse) my husband and I of setting all of this up so we "get clicks".  People can click on my blog until the cows come home, but I didn't have a single ad running on my blog when this story went viral (nor do I now for that matter).  If I had really set all of this up to "get clicks", wouldn't I have had my blog loaded up with ads so that I was getting paid while my blog was getting millions of hits a day? I do find it slightly ironic that you're hinting I did this all for the money and fame, considering you're the one who gets paid to write and is most likely profiting off of my story, but i'll let that one slide for now.

And, you're also claiming I did this for a book deal? Please! I barely have the time to fill out my children's reading logs every night, so it may be awhile before I can get that book written. Maybe in fifteen to twenty years, if raising all of these kids hasn't killed me by then. I tell you what, if I do ever write that book, I'll be sure to send you my first copy free of charge, but media mail of course. I'm a mom on a budget.

FYI, I've already been published in a couple of books, one a NYT best seller, I Just Want to Pee Alone  *Insert shameless book plug here since I'm honored to be included in two hilariously witty humor anthologies.

The notion that we had this master plan to set all of this up to exploit our son for fame is pretty hysterical. If any single one of those photos had been staged, they would've looked a heck of a lot more professional than they did.  My husband works in the film industry and he's a pretty talented guy. He does commercial work for major companies, and can do it all from photography to videography, editing, directing, etc. He was actually mortified that I dared to put my dark, unedited, crappy cell phone pics on my blog because he can't help but look at a photo and critique it. It's his job and he's brilliant at it.  So trust me, if the photos had been staged, they would've come from him and they would've been much more professional looking.

Here's what my little post did for M, since you're so concerned for his well being, enough that you even poked fun at him and the entire "Diary of a Wimpy Kid" fan base by saying M is the wimpy kid on the cake (which isn't even an insult for DOAWK fans by the way).

The most amazing thing that has come out of this story, is that our little boy has found his voice. He went from a shy, not so sure of himself third grader, to this incredibly confident child who beams with pride. He was interviewed by the local news last night, and I've never been so proud of my son as I was last night.  He was humble and appreciative and wanted to make sure and "Give a shout out to all of America".  The world could use a lot more Mahlon's and a lot less of people like yourself.

Throughout all of this, he learned that despite sadness and disappointment, there is also a lot of good in this world, and that kindness and compassion do exist.  He's connecting with so many other children from all over the world who relate to him and they are even becoming pen pals.  He's researching different charity options, so that he can pay it forward to other children in need. Many of the gifts we received will be headed to charity.

I think people are so fascinated by our story and drawn to our son because he's a good kid who represents hope and resilience. His sweet innocent face also serves as an important reminder that people should be more aware of how they respond to an invitation. M isn't curled up into a ball,  crying and feeling sorry for himself, and my post definitely didn't devastate or humiliate him as some people like yourself are saying. You want to know what really humiliates my children? Their mom standing at the bus stop with dried spit up on her stretch pants. Yes, that really happened, two days in a row actually.

Oh no she didn't! Oooops, she did!  

And yes, of course I was devastated for my son when no one showed up and he was crying and upset. Excuse me for saying this, but what a stupid thing to say! We were all upset for M, even his older sister who isn't very sympathetic.  You really honestly believe that only M was devastated over no one showing up to his party?  I have to question your loyalty as a parent because any parent I know, would've been devastated to see their child in tears.

I wrote my post for my blog readers because that's what I do. I'm a blogger. A terrible, untalented, stretch marked, evil mommy blogger, but nonetheless a blogger who writes when something strikes me as funny, sad, emotional, scary, etc. What poured out of my heart and soul when I wrote my piece was pure, raw emotion from deep inside that place that only a mother knows. A mother who was deeply hurting for her precious son because she simply wanted him to enjoy a special day with his friends, and he didn't get to do that. I wasn't expecting anyone to read it, and I certainly wasn't expecting anyone to reach out like they did. We are completely blown away by the outpouring of love and support that our family has received and it has changed our lives forever. Not because we're searching for fame (because we're most definitely not) but it's changed our entire perspective, and given us a new lease on life. Our lives have been changed for the better because we now have hope and faith in humanity, and you can't put a price tag on either of those things my friend.

Sincerely,
Kristen P. Layne
AKA "The Worst Mom in America"

Monday, February 24, 2014

Some exciting news you don't want to miss!

I love my husband a lot, so I admit that I do feel slightly guilty whenever I write posts that poke fun of him. I can't help myself. He makes it way too darn easy!

When I think back to my favorite blog posts i've ever written, the majority of them center around my hubby. For example, his extreme spider phobia, his frustrating trips to the grocery store, and his lack of success in being able to set up a Christmas tree in a timely matter, just to name a few.

In fact he gives me so much hilarious and embarrassing material that I kinda feel like I owe something. A special gift perhaps? Or maybe a high five? Or better yet, I agree to sex after the first time he asks instead of the fifth? He would really like that one. But then again, I did pop five kids from my loins for him, while also gaining tons of weight in the process. I grew an unsightly head full of frizzy, out of control grey hair from the stress of raising his little darlings, and I can't for the life of me remember the last time I slept through the night or ate a meal without needing to reheat it first. Shit, forget about the high five! Maybe he owes me!!! Where was I going with this again?  Okay, so maybe we'll just say we're even at this point.

However, pretty soon I will REALLY owe him big time! BIG TIME!

Are you ready for this one?  

Remember that awesome, amazing, and hilariously funny book, I Just Want to Pee Alone that I was so honored to be included in?

Well......

I'm proud to announce that i'm also in the sequel, I Just Want to Be Alone!!
In case you're wondering what this book will be about, here is a little blurb taken off of Amazon: 

Don't get us wrong, we love the men in our lives – we do (most of the time). It's just that sometimes we would like them to go away. Not forever or anything like that. Just for an hour … or a day … or a weekend. We want some time to ourselves to read a good book or take a walk or do anything other than try to make a dent in the never ending mound of dirty clothes that keeps piling up on the floor on his side of the bed. We just want to be alone. All alone. Is that too much to ask?

So you can see why I mentioned above that I was going to owe the hubby big time, right? I don't want to give anything away, so all I will say about my essay is that it's a little embarrassing and shocking all rolled into one. You don't want to miss this one! 
What's even more exciting is that this time you have the opportunity to pre-order this fabulous little book, so make sure and reserve your copy today! 


  In case you needed another reason to order, check out the list of amazing contributors....
Pretty awesome list, huh? Make sure you reserve your copy today, or else Jen of People I Want to Punch in the Throat really might just throat punch ya. I'm kidding. Geesh! People are so overly sensitive these days. 

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

The Hump Day I Just Want to Pee Alone Giveaway

I want to grab Wednesday by the balls and twist them until they turn blue.  I hate Wednesdays with a passion, or "hump day" as some of you people call it.  Hump day should be called F me in the rump day.

Every single hump day I always say things can't get any worse than the last one, but somehow they always do.  This Wednesday was no exception.  I was woken up to a phone call at 7 am by my daughter's PE teacher.  Apparently she hasn't been dressing down. AGAIN.  Of course my teen had an immediate excuse.  She forgot how to open her gym locker, two days in a row.  Unfortunately for her, I wasn't born yesterday.  So, I get into an argument with Ms. Sassy Pants over her attitude and her lack of participating in PE (she's grounded in case you're wondering).  The argument set off a chain reaction of lateness.  I didn't have much time to wake up my 8 year old.  Of course she picked today to roll around in her bed and make animal noises.  She doesn't do this often, but it's Wednesday so of course it has to happen today of all days.  I warned her if she didn't stop, I was dropping her ass off at the zoo.  As the 8 y/o is getting ready, I turn on the TV for the boys.  The older child wants Jake & the Neverland Pirates.  Peanut wants Max & Ruby.  Both are screaming, fighting and crying.  The TV gets turned off.  I get Peanut & the 8 y/o out the front door when my 5 y/o decides to go bat shit crazy because he can't find his stuffed Mario & Luigi dolls.  He's lying in the doorway throwing a fit and refusing to put on shoes, Peanut is running laps around the minivan while waking up all the old people in our neighborhood with his high pitched scream that only he can do, and I briefly debated throwing myself on the ground and curling into the fetal position.  We somehow made it into the van, I turn on the radio and Kelly Clarkson's Stronger is playing.  You know the song, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" or some stupid shit like that.  No offense Kelly, but I seriously doubt you've ever had to get five kids out of the house before 8:30 am.  

In our school district we have half-days every single Wednesday.  When you're a kid half-days are freaking awesome!  As a mom to five who gets to drive three kids to three different schools, it's a case of scorching hemorrhoids with a cannonball shaped stool.  By the time I drop off all of the kids, it's literally almost time to turn around and pick them all up (and pick up is worse than drop off but more on that later). 

To really put the cherry on top, I had to take both boys to urgent care today because they seem to have a cough that wont die.  I spent $40 on co-pays, chased them around the waiting room until my pits were stinky, and then find out that they are both fine and it's just allergies.  And why is it that a kid will hack their lungs out at home and sound like an 80 year old smoker with emphysema, but as soon as you step foot into the damn doctor's office, the cough completely, totally disappears and the doctor looks at you like you are cuckoo crazy?  Freaking Wednesdays!!!!! 

The rest of the day continued to spiral downhill from McD's forgetting to put sweet & sour sauce in the bag for the boys, which led to "WHAAAAAAT?  No, sauce?  WAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!" as soon as we got home, to having to scarf down our food, get back in the van and head out to pick up the girls.  I first get to pick up the 8 y/o, which means having to fight for a parking space, drag the boys out of their car seats, and walk up to the entrance to pick her up, and then walk everyone back to the van and buckle the boys back in their seats.  Then we head to the middle school where we sit in a smelly minivan for about 20-30 minutes waiting for my older daughter, while the younger kids practice killing each other in the backseat.  Of course seat belts get unbuckled which leads to me having to get back out of my seat to buckle them back in.  I was hoping that i'd get a bit of a break when I got home seeing as I have two hours before I have to pick up the oldest from band practice and take the 8 y/o to soccer practice, but no such luck.  The 5 y/o just had to eat the 3 y/o's apple slices.  I can't wait to see what the next hump day brings. 

So, in an effort to try to make this hump day a little happier (if that's even possible), i'm giving away a paperback copy of the hilarious new book, I Just Want to Pee Alone.  

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Why i'll never be thin again

Let's face it! Nobody likes the obnoxious chick who constantly whines about how fat she is. I get it, I really do.  There have been people in my life who have complained about their weight over and over and I want to kick them in the taco *Cough* My 85 lb mother in law who tries to play the i'm fat routine so you will compliment her.  But, i'm going to be that chick today who complains because i'm frustrated and depressed about my weight and I either write about it here, or I go polish off the rest of that chocolate birthday cake that's sitting on my kitchen counter.

Last night before my ritual evening bath, I made the crucial error of stepping on the scale. I was naked so I guess I naively figured that the gigantic plateful of Chinese food I had for dinner, or the large mocha and two (okay 3) pieces of chocolate cake I had wolfed down after dinner wouldn't be noticeable. I was wrong.  I looked at the number, gasped, and jumped off before it could climb any higher.  Then I heffered myself into the tub, curled up into a ball and bawled my eyes out.

My hubby came in to see what the problem was.  He's your typical "Quick fixer" kind of guy. I love him, but he always has to fix everything.  Sometimes there are things that just don't have a quick fix. Sometimes I just need to cry.  Sometimes I just need to pout. Sometimes I just need to be angry. Sometimes I just want to be left the hell alone!

This is the conversation that took place:

J: What's wrong?

Me: No answer.

J: Babe! What's wrong? Did you cut yourself shaving?

Me: Shook my head no as I was thinking, "Shaving? Does he really think I do this? Can he not see my scary white tree stump legs with black hair on display under the fluorescent lighting?

J: Did you get soap in your eye?

Me: Shook head no again as I was too upset to speak.

J: Well then WHY are you crying?  WHAT is wrong? WHY wont you talk?

Me: I'm…..i'm…..i'm faaaaaaat (as my voice quivered and shook)

J: Eye roll.  Babe you're not fat. You just haven't been eating very good lately.

Me: That's a polite way of telling someone they're fat.

J: No it's not. We both could probably stand to lose a few pounds. I'll do it with you.  We'll get in shape together.

Me: Seriously thinking of getting out of my warm tub to punch him square in the jaw as my husband has never had a weight problem in his entire life.  Nor has he had 5 babies or gotten a Depo shot that suddenly made him balloon up and gain 30 lbs in less than 3 months.

After my bath I tried to calm myself down, but I was still feeling sad, hopeless, and defeated.  I know you're reading this right now and waiting for the big inspirational, motivational, turnaround. You want to hear that I had this magical, lightbulb up my ass moment and realized that it's not about the number on the scale but what's on the inside that counts.  Fuck that shit!

This is what my dear old supportive, "We're going to do this together" husband brought back from the grocery store after my hysterical bath tub breakdown. You be the judge of his sincerity. Mmmm hmmm. I'm waiting…...
Okay so the chocolate cake we already had because it was my son's 16th birthday, but he just HAD to bring home a brownie and a box of giant blueberry muffins! What the hell?  Does he think blueberry muffins are healthy because they have freaking blueberries in them? Seriously? So guess who's been stuffing themselves silly all morning.  See the finger marks on the chocolate cake where the big frosting blops used to be?  Yep, all me.  ALL me, bitches.  Cause i'm a fatty boobatty and apparently stayin that way.  Oh and just for shits and giggles, I woke up with a heinous red, puffy, rash on my face above my upper lip. You know the kind of rash where people look at you with disgust and think, "Who in the hell has she been sucking face with lately?" Yeah.  Thank you autoimmune disorder for choosing this day to flare up.  I appreciate you making me feel like a fat AND ugly troll.

So for those of you who really do need to lose some weight or really are fatty boobatties like myself and seriously lack the motivation to actually lose the weight (and don't want to hear any inspirational, rainbows up your butt, mumbo jumbo or snarky judgment about how you just need to eat better and exercise and the weight will just melt right off), this post is dedicated to you! Let's whine together in the safety of our own kitchens, while stuffing our faces with chocolate cake and muffins.

And if you need more bathroom talk, don't forget to buy your copy of I Just Want to Pee Alone today!






Friday, March 15, 2013

Period and pee pee talk with young kids

It's not even noon here on the West Coast and my Friday has already been fanfuckingtastic.  It started off with Peanut (my 3 y/o son) saying, "Momma, I pooped my pants".  I knew immediately what Peanut meant and no, it wasn't poop.  There he stood in a jumbo sized puddle of urine with a big grin on his face.  My husband had just left for work so I couldn't kill him for forgetting to remind me that he put Peanut in "unnie pants" last night.  Peanut will stay dry all night long, but as soon as he wakes up you have to put a diaper on him or he will pee all over the floor, like a cat, who hates you and is trying to say, "You left me here alone in this house all night long while you went out?  Fuck you.  I'm pissing on your floor".  Yeah, that's my kid.   Oh and you're probably wondering why he said, "I pooped my pants".  To Peanut any kind of bodily fluid is "poop".  We just go with it for now.
So there I am trying to get wet, pissy, pants off a toddler, while also trying to avoid drowning in the rapidly expanding lake of urine.  As i'm cleaning him up, out of nowhere my 5 y/o son starts to laugh and says, "Peanut got his period".  What the hell?  I immediately turned to him and asked, "M, where did you hear that?"  He shrugged and said, "I don't know".  So I nervously asked him, "Do you even know what a period is?" as I silently prayed to sweet baby Jesus that he had no clue what it meant at the ripe old age of 5. FIVE! He shook his little head and said, "No, what it is momma?"  Holy poop, so it's not even lunch time yet and i'm cleaning up a pee creek and giving a 5 year old a pre-sex talk?  Someone give me another gallon of coffee STAT and put some vodka in that bitch!

Since I was put on the spot I didn't have much time to think of an answer.  I haven't read any of the, "How to talk to your kids about periods" if such a book even exists.  I'm sure it does. There are a lot of sick freaks out there. I have teens, but I don't recall when or how I addressed the period issue.  I sort of blocked that all out of my memory.  It's easier that way.  Trust me.  So, I took a deep breath and said, "A period is when you bleed".  Brilliant.  So now anytime my kids see a bleeder they are going to point and say, "You're on your period".   Of course M didn't let me off the hook.  He fired yet another difficult question at me, "Where do you bleed?"  Holy mother of GAWD, these boys are trying to kill me!  I responded with the best PG rated answer I could muster. "Out of your private parts".  M began laughing hysterically.  "You mean you bleed out of your butthole? GROSS!"

I give up.

I almost said, "Yes, son you are correct", but instead I just stuttered something about how it doesn't come from your butt, but rather female private parts.  Apparently that was an acceptable answer for the boy, as the questions ceased and I was free to drink (I mean fold laundry).

If you still haven't gotten enough pee pee talk for one day, don't forget to order a copy of the hilarious book, I Just Want to Pee Alone!  We've been holding down the #1 spot on Amazon and iTunes in the Humor & Family/Parenting category.
I hope you will check out these fellow book contributors when you get a chance: 
You're My Favorite Today
Nurse Mommy Laughs
Random Handprints
Kelley's Break Room
My Real Life



Monday, March 11, 2013

So It's My Anniversary and I Just Want to Pee Alone

Today is my anniversary which is funny considering that my hubby and I have forgotten our anniversary the past two years in a row (hanging head in shame as wives all over the world gasp that I could forget such a date).  It's not that I don't love my husband dearly, but our problem is that we always think of our anniversary as the day we met (which was in January) and not the date we actually got married.  I know it sounds weird, but the date we picked for our actual wedding was just kind of picked in a half-assed way.  We arranged it around my hubby's school schedule at the time, and spring break, and when we wanted to go on our honeymoon in Kauai and you get the point.

I probably would've forgotten my anniversary again this year, had it not been for the fact that I heard this song on the radio the other day:
Why do I have a video of Mannequin on my blog and why would this song remind me of my anniversary?  Well funny you should ask because after the pastor said, "I now pronounce you husband and wife, you may kiss the bride", it was my brilliant idea to have Starship's Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now playing as we walked down the aisle as husband and wife.  Cheesy but yet completely awesome, right?  Admit it, you're wishing you would've thought of it, huh?

Want to know what else is completely awesome?  The hilarious humor anthology that I am a contributor in, I Just Want to Pee Alone, is available to purchase today! This book is already kicking ass and taking names.  Over the weekend it hit number two on iTunes after Tina Fey and it hit number one on Amazon in it's category (not all of Amazon as we're number 17 in the whole humor category but that's still pretty awesome).

If you click on these Amazon links below to buy your paperback version or Kindle version 
then I would make a few pennies off of the sale and i'd greatly
appreciate it! 

Paperback version here: 

or Kindle version here: 

If you want to buy it on iTunes click HERE

Kobo and Sony Reader click HERE

If you want to buy it through Barnes & Noble they are taking a while, but in the meantime you can get it through Smashwords. Just follow the instructions for Nook HERE

Here is a list of all of the fabulous contributors in the book. I love them all! This list is in no particular order. I actually stole this list from Jen of People I Want to Punch in the Throat, who stole this list from Baby Sideburns.  


If you still need convincing that this book is the funniest book ever, check out this review written by From Meredith To Mommy.  

Or this review by Jessica on Amazon: If you have not yet bought this book, I am wondering what you are doing wasting precious reading time, reading this review. Buy this book, it is hilarious and will make you smarter and thinner.

So in lieu of sending me flowers or chocolates for my anniversary, please do something nice for yourself and buy this book!  You deserve it!!!

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

May I have your attention please?

I have a huge, ginormous, earth shattering announcement to make!  I'm really a man.  No, i'm not.  But I have been told I have man hands.  OK, moving on….

I'm going to be a published author in a kick ass anthology called, I Just Want To Pee Alone!  A couple of months ago I was contacted by a famous blogger by the name of Jen (i'll give you a clue, she likes to punch people in the throat), about writing an essay for an upcoming anthology about finding the humor in motherhood, so I did, and I actually made it in!  I promise i'll be sharing a lot more details about the book as the release date gets closer.  I can tell you that it will be available this spring and you can buy it on Amazon, Kindle, Nook, and ipad.

Without sounding like too much of a douchenozzle, I have to say i'm so proud to be included in this book with such an amazing group of bloggers!  It hasn't even been a full year since I re-launched Life on Peanut Layne.  I wasn't expecting much when I started my quirky little blog.  Heck, if 30 people read my blog in the beginning, I was jumping up and down.  I'm blown away by the number of people who read my blog today. To every single person out there who has ever clicked on my blog, thank you!  Even if you clicked on me and hated me, I still thank you for even taking the time to click on my blog.

This is the actual cover of the book. Pretty awesome huh?
 I was going to save this story for my one year blog anniversary, but I figured this occasion was a more appropriate time to share.  For those wondering how I got here, let me tell you a little bit more about myself. When I was a kid, I dreamed of being a writer.  In elementary school I was one of the only students at my school selected to go to a local writing conference. The best part was that I got to miss an entire day of school and share my story with a group of other "authors".  I thought I was the shit. Oh boy, did I ever!  I had a writing notebook filled with potential stories.  I was going to be the next Judy Blume or Ann M. Martin.  I was a huge book nerd and instead of going to lunch or recess like a normal kid, I would hide in the library and read during my breaks.  I wish I had time to actually read a book today, but with 5 kids i'm lucky if I have time to read the inserts that accompany a new prescription.

In high school I signed up for a beginners journalism class.  I figured I had this class in the bag, considering I was a gifted writer who attended a conference in elementary school.  Boy was my first assignment a rude awakening when I wrote an opinion piece on a news article!  EEEEK! I have never seen so many red circles, lines and notes on one assignment!  I didn't exactly make a great first impression with the journalism teacher (in fact i'm pretty sure she thought I was a moron), but I re-grouped, did some research on how to actually write a proper news article, and my next article about students dealing with diabetes was a smashing success.  I ended up spending two years in journalism.  A few days before I graduated my journalism teacher slipped me a note that said, "I hope you'll never stop writing.  You are destined to be a writer".

Unfortunately for me my life took an unexpected turn after high school, and my college dreams were put on hold.  By the time I did manage to enroll in college I wanted to be a nurse (bear with me here).  I signed up for several communications classes which were required to get into the nursing program.  For our first speech we had to give a 5 minute introduction speech. It could be about any topic we wanted.  I hate public speaking as i'm dreadfully shy.  Most of the intro speeches were painful to sit through.  People talking about themselves or things they were interested in like which stereo speakers they preferred or basic web design...yawn!  As for me?  I spoke about what I knew best…raising kids!  I wrote a short, humorous speech on the "10 Things I Learned About Parenthood".  I wish I would've saved a copy of it, but unfortunately it's stuck on a floppy disk somewhere (lost in a technology time warp).  I wasn't expecting much, but within just a few seconds of my speech the other students were literally laughing out loud.  In fact they were laughing so hard that I had to shout over the roar of the crowd.  They freaking loved my speech!  I guess it's pretty entertaining to hear that kids can eat Glade Plug In's and still survive.  After class my professor pulled me aside to talk to me.  Worried that maybe I crossed the line with my speech, I was shocked when he proceeded to ask me questions about my future.  He asked what I was going to school for.  I told him "nursing".  He wrinkled up his face and said, "No way! You've really got something.  You were made for the entertainment industry.  You need to be a stand up comedian.  Don't waste your talents. Nursing is not for you".

Everything he said profoundly impacted me, but it didn't change anything.  I proceeded with the medical program and eventually completed a Medical Assisting w/X-Ray Tech degree, but I was miserable.  I hated every single moment of it.  Don't get me wrong! I'm so thankful that there are people out there who love it, because there are dipshits like myself who put a catheter in the wrong hole and need your help, so thank you for doing the job that you do!  It just wasn't for me.

So here I am, not exactly a stand up comedian, but a humorist blogger following my dreams.  Dreams that got derailed but never forgotten.

I will be sharing all of the contributors in this amazing book at some point so please check out my Facebook page for daily updates: http://www.facebook.com/LifeOnPeanutLayne.

Here are just a few of the talented contributors that probably need no introduction from little old me:

People I Want to Punch in the Throat

Baby Sideburns

Bad Parenting Moments

You Know It Happens At Your House Too