Friday, August 31, 2012

Family Vacation Gone Wild

You may have noticed I just sort of disappeared off the face of the earth a few days ago.  Well I actually did sort of vanish off the face of the earth, lol! We took a 4 day family vacation to my dad's cabin which is about 30 miles away from Bend, OR, completely out in the sticks.  When I say "cabin" what I really mean is house, lol!  My dad's "cabin" is fully furnished and has all the comforts of home, but we still call it "the cabin" for some reason.   This city momma doesn't camp, lol!  I blame my mother for this.  Her idea of camping was sleeping in a hotel.  My mom (who is deceased from cancer), used to say, "If God had wanted us to sleep on the ground, he would've put fur on our backs".   I'm not even a religious person, but it's still one of my all time favorite quotes.

We go to my dad's "cabin" every summer and the kids really love it there.  It's a nice little getaway from the hustle and bustle of the city, however, we don't have internet access at my dad's cabin! GASP!  I didn't realize just how addicted to my iphone I was until I was sitting on the couch watching TV and I felt my thumbs twitching.  I can't even remember the last time I just sat on the couch and watched TV without fiddling with my iphone.  I have to say it was kind of nice to watch a show all the way from the beginning and not have to say, "What happened?" or "What did I miss?"

On the first full day of our trip we took the kids to Cultus Lake.  We love Cultus as it's very family friendly and has a delicious restaurant that serves the best (and biggest) burgers ever!  It's become a tradition to eat there every single summer.  However, we did run into a little snag with our 4 year old son, M.   I don't know what got into the boy but as the waiter was filling up water glasses M says, "And hurry it up".  Oh boy that did not go over well with dad! LOL!  Needless to say he got taken outside for a lecture.  When the waiter came back to take our orders when he got to M, he said, "And hurry it up right?" We had to giggle that at least he had a sense of humor.  Don't worry, we left a big tip for the waiter for putting up with our obnoxious family.

After lunch we headed out to the lake.   We found a somewhat remote spot with shallow water.  The only problem?  It was FREEZING cold!   It wasn't so bad once you got used to it, but I let out a scream when I first got in.  J and I managed to make it out into the lake about waist deep.   My tankini top was getting a little loose and my girls were starting to poke out the sides little (hey 5 kids and no underwire in the swim suit top equals a stressful situation).   My hubby was like, "Babe fix your top. Your boobs are going to fall out".  So I asked him to re-tie the back of my top for me as it ties around my neck and is almost impossible to tie it by myself.  J untied the knot and started to tighten it.  Just then M trips over a rock and falls so J screams and completely drops my bathing suit ties, and down goes my top all the way down to my waist.  OH MY GOD!  I screamed and put my hands over my boobs and ducked down into the water.  Luckily my kids didn't see it as they were focused on M, but I'm praying that no one on the shore had a camera with a zoom or i'm in big trouble!  So much for trying to prevent my boobage from showing!!  I swear there is always something that goes wrong during every family vacation. I could probably fill this entire blog with vacation gone wrong stories, lol!  Aside from the bathing suit mishap, this trip actually went pretty good.  Other highlights were feeding the fish at the hatchery and the water park at Sunriver (the kids LOVED this and of course now we'll have to go every single summer).

Being out in the wilderness really forces you to ditch the technology and just come together as a family.    The best part of the trip for me was driving 20 minutes alone to the nearest town for some coffee (no unfortunately there isn't a Dutch Bros out in the woods, lol).  I got stuck behind some grandma going 35 in a 55, and at first my city instincts were to honk and get mad, but as I looked at the wide open road in front of me and the beautiful scenery, I realized I needed to chill and enjoy the drive.  The sun was shining, my sunglasses were on, I had a white chocolate caramel mocha in my hand, and M83 playing.  Pretty darn close to perfection :)

My view: Ignore the tree sap on my windshield

Family Photos: 

Thursday, August 30, 2012

Bringing the chaos outside so hide your pets and close your windows!

Hmmm, what can I destroy out here? 

 Someday I will rule the world, but first I must master potty training...

I found a stick. Who will I smack upside the head first?

 Don't let my dimples fool you….

Bo's, "Hell no I wont let you win!" 

The neighbor doesn't really need those flowers does he?

Faster than a speeding Bobears! I hope this isn't a sign of things to come…yikes! 

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

What Pretty Little Ladies You Have

I knew it was time to get our 4 year old son's haircut when even his own great grandmother said, "And who is this adorable little girl?" when she came over to visit, lol!  Yes, she seriously thought one of the neighbor kids was over for a play date.

Then a few weeks ago I was sitting in the drive thru and the cashier poked her head out of the window and said, "How are you little ladies doing today?"  Innocent question right?  Not if the only kids in your car are your 4 & 2 year old sons, lol!  Ooops!  

Ironically I never cared for long hair on guys (still don't), but for some reason I get super emotional  over the subject of cutting my son's hair.  He's the biggest momma's boy you've ever seen and he was completely, totally bald until he was almost 3.  The thought of cutting his blond, curly locks is just too much for me.  Plus, I think he rocks the long hair look!  He reminds me of a California surfer boy.  

My husband ended up winning the argument and I allowed him to take our son to the barber.  Our 2 year old son is still off limits at this point.  

Here are some before shots:  
My teen is a lost cause. He wont cut his hair and even telling him he has Bieber hair doesn't bother him. 

I do really love his new haircut, but when he first came home it was like looking at a completely different child emerging from the minivan.  I'm still not used to it and I find myself missing his long, curly, messy locks. He looks so much older than he did with long hair and it's so hard for me to let this one go.  I just want him to stay my baby boy forever.  

Saturday, August 25, 2012

How to Mess Up a Boxed Cake Mix

I don't know how I do it, but somehow I managed to royally f@#k up a Betty Crocker store bought cake mix.  I told you I was seriously creatively challenged and I wasn't kidding (if you had any doubts before, I think you will believe me now).   Even my husband was like, "What in the hell is that?" when he saw the finished product.  It's bad.  REALLY bad.  I make the people on Cake Wrecks look like seasoned professionals.  If you haven't checked out this website, you should because it's hilarious!

As you can see my poor cake was f@#ked from the beginning, lol!

But I didn't stop there. It just kept getting worse…..

Just when you think it can't possibly turn into anymore of a train wreck, I add sprinkles. I can't even do that right as the majority of them are clumped in the middle…sigh.  

This is why I blog and don't bake.   I don't think cake decorating is in my future.   Oh and in case you're wondering we're buying a cake for our daughter's birthday party next weekend.  

Friday, August 24, 2012

Bandaids Peanutlayne Style

Today can only be described as one of those days where you're knee deep in the pits of hell and you find yourself asking, "WTF was I thinking having all these kids?"

Here are a few highlights from today:

*My 2 year old just took his diaper off and peed all over the floor.

*My 4 & 7 year old's are competing to win this year's title of Worst Behaved Heathen of 2012.  It's a really close competition and could go either way.

*My teens…do I even need examples for them?

Today is my daughter's 13th birthday and I feel bad that her day is filled with total chaos, but then again our days are always filled with chaos no matter what the occasion.   Although today is her actual birthday she is having two birthday parties on different days (one with my dad, and a sleep over next weekend which means I will pay you to let me sleep over at your house)!!!

We needed to drop an invitation off with her friend so I told her I would take her to Jamba Juice for a smoothie (I promise we have better things planned for her b-day tonight, lol).   Before we left I needed to shave my legs because I have 5 kids so that equals chronically unshaven Chia Pet legs.   Not having any time to shower, I propped my dry, flaky, "this chick really needs a tan" legs up on the counter and pulled out one of my new Dollar Tree razors (we're living large).   I might has well have shaved my legs with a cheese grater because that's what they looked like when I was through with them!

I'm on heparin right now because of a medical condition so of course my legs bled, and bled, and bled and by this point i'm thinking, "Shit am I going to need to call an ambulance because i'm a moron who dry shaves her legs on heparin?"   I tried unsuccessfully for about a half an hour with cotton swabs, tissue, ointments, but my legs would not stop bleeding.   One would think, "Duh, just use some bandaids genius".   Do you know how rare bandaids are in a house with 5 kids?   Bandaids might as well be treated like liquid gold in our house.  They just don't exist!

I was sitting on the toilet cutting little pieces of packing tape with child safety scissors and taping little patches of tape all over my legs and the funny thing is I didn't think anything of it.  I can't possibly be the only mom out there who does stuff like this, am I?

You're probably wondering if I went to Jamba Juice with little patches of packing tape all over my legs.       You bet your sweet a@@ I did!  My capri's covered the majority of the tape and this is Portland!  Anything goes here, including packaging tape on the legs.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Mother/Teenage Son Bonding Experience

I had today's post written out in my head but I have a doctor's appointment today and very little time so I decided to go with plan B instead (no i'm not going to the doc for Plan B).  Wow, that was poorly worded, lol.

Several months ago my teenage son and I were driving somewhere in the van (probably making another 10,000th trip to his high school).  I love my son to death, but sometimes there is that weird awkward silence as we don't always know what to talk about.  My son finally broke the ice and said, "Mom, look at that sign".

So I look to my right and there is a sign attached to a utility post that says, "I buy homes".

However, someone vandalized the sign and this is what it read: 
(I had to create this little beauty of a sign in PS as I could not take a pic since I was driving):

I immediately started to giggle and then both my 15 year old son and I were cracking up over this simple, but creative genius of a sign.  Yes, i'm probably too old to be laughing at this, but I couldn't help myself.   My son has my quirky sense of humor and that makes me so proud (and a little worried that he may blog someday and tell stories about his whackadoodle of a mother).  

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

I think my 2 year old is trying to kill me

There are no words to start off this post.  I woke up in a panic thinking I had finally, actually lost my mind, or maybe I had died in my sleep and was in hell.  However, I was neither dead nor delusional (at least not this time).  Rather my 2 year old son had my iphone pressed up against my ear and this was all that I heard.

Oh and CRANK that volume up.  I want you to get the full effect! 

It's not just one video that has me wondering.  This is one of his other favorites. 

And finally the guilty culprit himself.  His latest thing is saying
"knock knock" over and over (and over) but you never get a response, lol! 
This went on for far longer than what was captured in the video. 
I did you a favor by cutting it short when I did. 

Feel free to tell me about your annoying, wonderful, adorable 2 year old.  Do they have any favorite You Tube videos?  Any of them drive you insane? Then again maybe you are a good parent and don't let your child watch You Tube videos, lol!  

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Sending Your Husband To the Grocery Store

It's difficult for me to understand how a man that can shoot, direct, and edit an entire slew of commercials for television cannot navigate the aisles of a grocery store.

If you read yesterday's post then you know that I had a little mishap and was unable to grocery shop.   My husband sent me a text from work saying, "Send me a grocery list and i'll do the shopping".   I immediately knew the events that were going to unfold because every single time he goes grocery shopping, I always get a bunch of irritated phone calls or texts asking me where things are and bitching that my list "makes absolutely no sense" to him.

Now I should add that I could not possibly make things any easier for him.  I send him a list that is organized by aisles as I know where every single item in that store is (it's pretty much my second home).  

Not even 5 minutes into his shopping I get a text from J.

J: "What in the hell is tortellini?"

Me: "The frozen pasta with cheese in it".  

Not even 30 seconds later I get a phone call….

J: "It's not here.  They don't have it".

Me, "Yes, they do.  Look in the center aisles of the frozen section".

J: "Nope, they don't have it".

Me: "Yes they do"

J: "No they don't.  Are you sure it's called tortellini?  I don't think you even know what you are talking about".

Me:  Sigh. Eyeroll.  "Okay well just forget it.  I'll get it tomorrow."

J: Sounding extremely irritated and disgruntled by this point,  "Here it is.  It's next to the ravioli.  You didn't say it was next to the ravioli"

Me:  "Well actually I did as the ravioli is in the center aisle"

J: Grumble, grumble, "Fine.  I gotta go.  Oh and I love you".

Of course there were a few follow up phone calls and texts that went pretty much the same as the tortellini conversation, but that was to be expected, lol!  Other than that, he did pretty good.  He did buy 2 bags of hot dog buns and only one package of hot dogs which was kind of weird.  I'm not sure why we needed a bag of back up buns?   Oh and our freezer is now completely stocked with a variety of frozen pizzas, lol!

The last time my husband did the grocery shopping (I was on my death bed with the flu), he bought nothing but meat.  For example for tacos he brought home a pound of meat and tortilla shells.  That's it.  No lettuce, tomatoes, taco sauce, etc.   So I suppose this trip was a bit of an improvement.

Monday, August 20, 2012

So you think you had a bad day?

This post may make some people uncomfortable (unless you have children).  If you have children then you are completely immune to any and all things uncomfortable.

My boys have had a mild stomach bug this past week (diarrhea, stomach cramps, but no barfing).   I foolishly thought I was not going to catch said stomach bug but I was wrong.  Dead wrong! 

Last night after dinner I started to get that icky feeling in my stomach.   I was already dealing with a terrible IC flare (will post about that later), so I was lying on the couch with an ice pack between my legs trying to de-swell my private parts (so incredibly sexy by the way) when my husband leans over and says, "So are you ready to have sex now?"   Of course I gave him the "I'm going to kill you in your sleep" look and then we both cracked up.  Yes, even with a chronic, painful health condition, we can somehow find the humor in it.  I went to bed a few minutes later and was hoping when I woke up that my stomach would feel better.   However, when I woke up this morning my intestines felt like they were twisted like a pretzel.   I spent about 2 hours this morning with non stop diarrhea cramps, but without any actual diarrhea.   After a good hour of not having any stomach cramps, I decided to head out to the grocery store as Mondays are typically my shopping day.    

My first stop was McD's for a soda and a McChicken sandwich (brilliant idea when you have a stomach bug).    However, I didn't even make it to the order box before the gut wrenching stomach cramps hit.  Considering I was completely sandwiched in the line between two cars I had no choice but to remain in the drive thru. I held my breath and tried to breathe through the pain.   I managed to squeak out my quick order and make it through the drive thru line.   A smart person would've just headed back home, but I decided to head to the grocery store.   I sat in my van in the parking lot of the grocery store eating my chicken sandwich when all of a sudden it hit me like a freight train!   That horrible, terrible, awkward moment where you try to hold it in with all of your might, but you just have no control.   

I pooped my pants.  

Mortified and stunned I drove the couple of blocks home which felt like an eternity.  I got out of the car and waddled into the house (I really hope my neighbors don't have a hidden camera pointed at our house).  My teens were immediately like, "So what did you get us to eat?"   I breezed right by them and was like, "Everybody out of my way.  I had an accident".   So of course the little kids start saying, "Accident!  Mommy got into an accident?  Are you okay mom?"   It didn't take them long to realize what kind of accident I had as they peered out the window and saw our minivan completely unharmed.  Next I hear my 7 year old daughter laughing and saying, "Mommy peed her pants.  No wait, I think she pooped her pants".  Nice.  Did I laugh at them when they used to poop in their diapers all the time?  Nope.  

I took a nice warm bath, put on my PJ's and sent my husband a text that said, "Grocery shopping is on you tonight" which probably means we'll be dining on Kraft mac n cheese, along with some white rice covered in teriyaki sauce.  

So whenever you think you had a bad day, just remember it could be much, much worse.  You could've pooped your pants, while on your way to the grocery store all while wearing your favorite underwear.  True story. 

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Look Out Project Runway! There's a new fashion designer in town!

*Editing to add: My teens recently brought it to my attention that their tanks say, "Open Late".  That one flew right over my head when I original posted this, lol!  Hey, it's Taco Bell, people!  I was certainly not trying to pimp out my kids!  Dirty, dirty minds!

My 7 year old daughter "Bo's" wants to be a fashion designer when she grows up.   I think she's pretty darn creative.  She's always been quirky and a little on the artsy side.  She likes to dress herself in some pretty unique combinations.   She brought me some sketches the other day that she drew and created completely on her own and I was a little surprised at how well she designs for such a young child.

Bo's "collection" Age 7

Yesterday I was woken up by two cute little kids standing by my bed.   Bo's said, "Mom look at these bathing suits I made for us".   As exhausted as I was, I immediately started to giggle and I just had to drag my tired butt out of bed to take some pics.  Our room is really dark and it was super overcast yesterday so excuse the bad pics.

Bo's is modeling a 2 piece "tankini" made entirely out of hand towels, and held together by potato chip bag clips.  She has a "Jessie" hat on her head from her Toy Story doll.   M (age 4) is modeling a swimsuit made out of bubble wrap.  You can see his superhero underwear shining through.   Hilarious! 

As if things can't possibly get any cuter, later in the afternoon Bo's decided to make some additional outfits made entirely out of Taco Bell bags.  She made a tank top for herself, and an open vest for M.

She told me this morning, "Mom, wearing my Taco Bell clothes makes me happy and i'm going to be a fashion designer when I grow up".   Project Runway contestants look out!  There's a new fashion diva in town!!! 

Saturday, August 18, 2012

My poop sandwich nominees

I know I didn't blog yesterday and I apologize as I do like to post something new everyday.  I seriously considered posting this last night, but it probably would've sounded like a bunch of screechy, ranty, I think this chick forgot her meds kind of a post so I decided to sleep on it.  Wise decision considering i've already deleted many things that were originally on the list, lol!

Yesterday was one of those blah days where things just didn't seem to go right.  Nothing really major happened, and things could've definitely gone much worse (for example I could've gotten in a car accident and ended up in the hospital wearing dirty underpants and sporting hairy, unshaven, Chia Pet legs).   As a stay at home mom to 5 kids, my patience is already tested on a regular basis so when i'm out in public rude, stupid and douchenozzely people just get under my skin and I find myself wanting to tell them to go eat a big old poopy covered sandwich.

So here it is….my list of nominees from yesterday who all deserve a poop sandwich: 

*People who come to a complete stop before turning.   It is possible to drive AND turn at the same time! 

*People who cut me off and then drive like a slug.  If you're in such a freaking hurry to pass me, then why are you suddenly driving 5 mph as soon as you pass? Are you trying to get me to go all "Towanda" on your ass? 

*Ex's who are thousands of dollars behind in child support.  

*Ex's who are thousands of dollars behind in child support and parade their new 19 year old girlfriend around your teenage kids.  Gross.

*The Kardashians.  Ok, so maybe I didn't run into them yesterday, but I still stand by my nomination.

*Insurance companies.

*Pharmacy techs who tell you that it could take up to 2 weeks for them to hear back from your insurance company and you will just have to wait to pick up your prescriptions.  I mean 2 weeks is a perfectly acceptable time frame to wait when you're in agonizing pain right?  

*The little girl at the McD's playground who kept slamming Peanut's fingers in the door (on purpose), even after I told her to stop.  

*The dickweed cashier at McD's who saw me standing up at the counter for at least 5 min (probably longer) but was too busy standing there staring at the wall to ask me if I needed help or even acknowledge my presence.  However, when a man came in several min after me and walked up to a different register, he then walks over to the man and says, "How can I help you?"   Foolish boy! Never ever ignore a mom standing at a counter armed and loaded with wiggling, kicking, obnoxious toddlers.  5 minutes might as well be 45 min in toddler time.   Don't blame me when my smiling, cooperative toddlers suddenly turn into spawn of satan.  If you had helped me when they were in a good mood, things would've gone much easier for you.   I'm sorry my toddler threw your nicely stacked cups onto the ground, and left a chewed up french fry on your counter.  Really I am.

*McD's once again for giving my kids the runs but putting the bathrooms on the complete opposite side of the restaurant from the playground.  Brilliant!  Obviously designed by another dickweed whom I guessing does not have small children.    

*And finally my husband who was sound asleep on the couch when I got home from my 3 hour hellacious road trip with 5 kids and had the nerve to say, "Can you keep the kids quiet. I'm taking a nap".  He might just be getting a poop sandwich for lunch AND dinner tomorrow night.  

*Wow, that felt good getting all of that out!  I just might have to make this a weekly or monthly post.   So who would you nominate to receive a poop sandwich? 

Thursday, August 16, 2012

My boys are not Mac compatible

We are a Mac/Apple loving family as in PC's are not even permitted inside our home.    It all started many years ago when my husband started film school.  Apparently (according to J) all of the cool people used Mac's in the film industry, so we made the switch and never looked back.  In fact the quickest way to get under my husband's skin is to mention "I've been thinking of getting a PC" and then watch the reaction.  Priceless!  I do agree that Apple products/Mac's are pretty darn cool.  My husband was telling one of his friends recently that they are super durable and you can do pretty much anything to them and they can handle it.   I nudged him in the side and said, "Well almost anything".

Here is where our story begins…..

Mac #1:  Before I start with my train wreck of a story, I need to add that Mac #1 was the most important Mac in our family.  J purchased this computer shortly before he first started college, and it was kind of his "baby".  He had all of his student projects on this computer, and we stored thousands and thousands of family pictures, from pregnancies to baby pics, holidays, wedding photos, etc. Basically our entire existence as a family lived inside Mac #1.

One morning when M was about 18 months old, he stumbled out of bed and headed downstairs.  I was already awake, but J was still asleep on the couch (no I didn't kick him out of our bed, but he got tired of getting kicked in the kidneys by little feet so he sometimes would sleep on the couch).    Before I could do anything, M pulled down his diaper and stood a couple of feet in front of the Mac tower and proceeded to urinate into the tower of Mac #1 (and he had fabulous aim too).   I watched in horror and screamed, "No, M STOP", but it was too late.   M had desecrated our beloved Mac.  Within a few seconds the screen turned black, the computer made a really awkward sound, and the whole thing shut down.  Not good at all.   I had so many ridiculous, panicky thoughts rushing through my head like, "Maybe I can just dump the urine out" so I pathetically lifted the heavy tower and tons of urine came pouring out.    However, Mac #1 was still dead.  Dead, dead, dead.    My next thought was, "OMG, I have to go wake up my sleeping husband and tell him the news".     I creeped up to my sleeping grizzly bear of a husband (who is not a morning person) and stammered, "Babe, so-so-something happened.  Something catastrophic".    I don't know how he knew but J immediately leaped off the couch and screamed, "What happened to my computer?"   I was in tears by this point and I had already relocated M safely into the witness protection program.   I stood by and watched helplessly as my husband ripped the cover of his beloved Mac tower, as urine dripped from the top.   He unplugged the computer, put it into the car, and drove off.    I paced around the house for what felt like an eternity waiting to hear the results.  It felt like a family member was in surgery and we were waiting to hear if they pulled through (okay maybe that's pushing it a little, but still it was pretty stressful).   J finally called and I could tell from the sound of his voice that it was a lost cause.  He said the people at the Apple repair store told him they couldn't even touch the computer without putting on full biohazard suits because it had "human bodily fluids on it".   It would've cost way too much to get it cleaned and there was no guarantee it would ever work again. We did manage to save our photos, but Mac #1 was unfortunately laid to rest.    I will say that we all laugh hysterically over Mac #1 now that 4 years have passed.  It's become a running joke among our friends and family that Macs are not "urine proof" and many friends love to tell the "Mac urinal story".   I actually have to give the kid props that he was smart enough to realize that he wasn't supposed to pee on my light beige carpeting, so he really did think he was doing a good thing by not peeing on the carpet.

Mac #2:  This story isn't nearly as entertaining, but basically we bought a second Mac for the kids to play their games on so we didn't have to share (we still had a working imac when Mac #1 was destroyed so at least we weren't computer-less).    I don't know how, but within a few days of M playing games on Mac #2, it mysteriously died.  Who knows? Maybe if someone did some digging they would find a chewed up Ritz cracker shoved inside the disc drive.

Iphone #1: This time it was my baby that was destroyed and it was our youngest son, "Peanut" who was the culprit.   I was running late and my iphone fell out of my pocket and onto the floor.  I just had to run into the bathroom one last time to grab something and I thought, "That's okay. I'll come right back and grab my phone in a second".    Within a few seconds, Peanut appeared in the doorway holding my iphone in his hand.   "Let me have…" I started to say when all of a sudden I see my iphone 4 go airborne.  It went over my shoulder and landed perfectly into the toilet.  Kerplunk.   Peanut is short, but that kid could just possibly have a future in the NBA with shots like that!  I screamed some obscenities (I honestly don't even remember which ones but there was a string of them).  I grabbed my phone out of the toilet and tried to dry it off.   That's when I heard the familiar sound of a fried computer shutting itself off.   Then the screen went black.  Dead, dead, dead….again!   Unfortunately I had no time to react.  I had to be somewhere in 45 minutes and it was an hour's drive.  I didn't have a way to tell my husband what had happened as he was still at work and we didn't have a home phone so our iphones were really our lifelines.  I remember feeling helpless as I drove without my precious phone (which was at home sitting in a bowl of rice).   When I got home, J immediately jumped all over me and was like, "Why haven't you answered any of my calls.  I thought you were dead!"  He obviously didn't see the iphone soaking in a rice bath.  What can I say my husband is super observant.

We dried the iphone in a bag of rice for 8 days and it still didn't work.  Luckily a local iphone repair shop was able to fix it for me and I didn't lose any info off of my phone, but it was costly.  $140 something dollars just for a quick dip in the toilet.

Iphone breakage #2:  It's been a year since Peanut threw my iphone into the toilet.  At first I wouldn't let him touch my phone with a ten foot pole, but I slowly loosened up over the months.  He loves to watch You Tube videos on my phone and who could deny such a cute little boy the privilege?  I should've known better.   Peanut got mad about something and threw my iphone across the room and it landed on the hardwood floor.  Now my ringer doesn't work at all.  The phone vibrates but that's it.  J has been teasing me non stop for letting the boys play with my phone.  I'm getting the "I told you so" that no wife likes to hear.   Plus, I just hate it when he's right.  What fun is that?

 There isn't much point to this post, except to say if you have boys and Apple products this could very well happen to you.   Oh and you might want to teach them the difference between a urinal and a computer tower :)

Monday, August 13, 2012

Babe You're Going to Rock Those Teva's!

The other night after the Bite of Oregon J and I got into a discussion.    Let me tell you our conversations are super serious and important, lol!

Take a look for yourself:

J: "I noticed a lot of the women at the Bite wore dresses.  I wish you would wear a dress once in a while.  Why don't you ever wear dresses?"

Me: "I hate dresses"

J: "You know you ARE a girl.  You should try dressing like one every once in a while"

Me: "Wow, how very 1950's of you"

J: "Oh come on.  Are you telling me that you wouldn't care if I started dressing slobby?"

Me: "Nope.  Wouldn't care"

J: "Okay how about this.  If you don't wear a dress at least once, then i'm going to start tucking in my shirts and wearing Teva sandals….with socks!"

Me: "Screw the Teva's….get yourself some Keens!  Now that would be sexy!"

J: Sigh….."You really aren't going to wear a dress are you?"

Me: "Nope.  Looks like you have some shopping to do.  I will start price comparing Teva's versus Keens for you"

Sunday, August 12, 2012

Jesus, Food and Superman

Yesterday J and I headed to the annual Bite of Oregon located on the waterfront in Portland. This was our 3rd year attending the Bite and it's something we look forward to every single year. Basically it's just a ginormous food festival where you stuff yourself silly on a ton of "bomb ass food" as my hubby likes to say.

To prepare myself for the event I carefully selected my stretchiest "fat pants". For those of you who grew up watching Friends remember Joey's turkey pants? If you didnt catch it (maybe you lived under a rock or something), he wore maternity pants to Thanksgiving dinner as he attempted to eat an entire turkey, LMAO. I briefly debated about pulling out my old maternity pants but those are sitting out in a dusty box in the garage probably full of spider eggs and dust mites so I opted for my spandex capri leggings instead. Thank goodness the 80's are back in style and it's okay to wear leggings again (or is it?)

The first challenge was getting out of the house. With 5 kids this is a huge pain in the ass! The second pain in the ass (ooops I meant challenge) is my husband. He takes forever to get ready which just kills me considering he is freaking bald and has absolutely no hair! Wth? How can you be vain and bald? Shaking my head. Anyways he took his sweet ass time in the bathroom getting ready and then started bitching at me about hurrying up because we had to leave. Yeah I get 5 min, he gets 90. Grrrrr, where's that pee pee covered towel when I need it? *Please read my post titled "Reusable Toilet Paper" if you haven't already. Otherwise this makes me sound completely deranged, lol!

So we say goodbye to the kids, yell at the teens that we're doing a full head count when we get home and all the children better be accounted for, and head out.  Free at last!!! Woohoo!!! J ended up taking the wrong exit and we drove around in circles for a while. I yawned and rolled my eyes while he complained about going the wrong way and that we were losing valuable food eating time. Men are such whiners, lol! We finally found a parking spot, and as we're walking towards the entrance there were two nerdy, stuffy looking men who had what looked to be flyers in their hands but they didn't appear to be giving them out to anyone. I had this feeling I was going to be the next victim.  Sure enough we walk by and one of them steps forward and hands me something. I glanced at it and lo and behold it was a CD titled "You have a friend in Jesus".  Awesome, lol! I'm not sure why I was personally selected to receive this awkwardly radical gift but for whatever reason they must've thought that I needed saved. Good intuition! Lol!!!!  *I gave it to my almost 13 y/o daughter when we got home. She could use a friend in Jesus.

Here's a pic of my awesome souvenir: 

We walked in and immediately started stuffing our faces. We ate crab cakes, fried alligator (tasted like chicken), chocolate covered strawberries, currywurst, pulled pork sandwiches, cupcakes, elephant ears, yakisoba noodles, kobe sliders and I dont even remember what else. Seriously this place is just ridiculous! It's a food lovers paradise.

The one and only pic we took from the night: 
The chocolate covered strawberries are from a booth called "Berry Kabob" and they are the bomb diggity!  They won the best booth award and were slammed all day.  We ended up eating two full orders of chocolate covered strawberries.  They were that good. 

We decided to sit down and people watch for a bit. People watching is so much fun in Portland. It's a never ending slew of dweebs, geeks and weirdos (hey I had a board game with the same name). We decided to sit next to the beer garden. Drunk people=prime people watching location. We immediately notice an awkward looking threesome. Two unattractive, overly tan, oompa loompa-ish, cougars who were already drunkety drunk drunk. One of the ladies was so drunk that she fell off her stool and knocked over a light post. Classic! She was getting very close to the dufussy looking guy they were with (they really picked a winner let me tell you). She was doing the hair flip and getting closer and closer to Mr. Dufus. The other woman was the obvious 3rd wheel. She kept looking around and trying not to let it be known that she was obviously uncomfortable with being the 3rd wheel (I don't blame her. Nobody likes to be the 3rd wheel). I don't know what happened (perhaps her 5th glass of wine kicked in), but all of a sudden the 3rd wheel jumped off her stool and walks up to this young, 25ish looking guy sitting right in front of us. However we were pretty sure he was gay. J immediately whispers in my ear "Doesn't she realize he's gay?" I whisper back "Babe this bitch is old. Her generation isn't blessed with gaydar skills". We watched with horror and fascination as she continued to embarrass herself. Total train wreck! J got up to throw something away and he missed the very best part. The dude's boyfriend comes up and tells this woman to "Get out of my seat NOW", lol!!! He was MAD which I find comical because A)your boyfriend is gay B)this lady was scary looking and older than dirt so in my mind I'm thinking "Dude just let the woman work it for a minute" but the jealous boyfriend just wasn't having it. The whole thing was so funny I couldn't stop giggling. I actually felt a little bad for the 3rd wheel, but I have no doubt that she found someone to go home with. She was a very determined cougar and I dig that!

The other highlight of the night was the dancing Superman. Enter mentally unstable man dancing his heart out and doing the air guitar. Never mind the fact that the band was playing a super slow song. This man didn't care and was totally rocking out. I double dig it.

On one of our last stops of the night we're standing at the elephant ear booth and there's an older mom with her grown son. He was a little heavy set and wearing a cartoon t-shirt and just screamed momma's boy. J leans over and said "Wow babe. That's totally you and M someday".  In case you didn't know, M is the biggest momma's boy you've ever seen!  I have no doubt he'll probably live in our basement until he's 40 and that's perfectly ok with me. Building a basement will definitely be going on J's to-do list someday. Not even 5 min later our oldest daughter called and said M was crying for me and wanted to talk to me, lol!  Through hysterical sobs on the phone he said, "Momma (insert cries here), you are never ever going anywhere again".  Yep, total momma's boy.

We grabbed some sugary caramel corn to bring back to the kids and trekked back to the car.  Our tummies hung over our pants and we kept saying we were going to barf from all the food.  Oh and J got checked out by a tranny wearing a hot pink evening gown.  Have I mentioned how much I love this city?!

Friday, August 10, 2012

Instagram Fun Take 2

Sorry, having trouble getting over the cuteness. 
Crappy lighting in our house so these pics are really grainy. 

 Say what mom? You're putting my pic where? 

Backyard Fun….
Did I mention we have the best backyard ever? 
It's pretty much a private wooded oasis…be jealous! 

 Classic M expression, lol! 

The goofiest goober we know….

 Uh oh, it's a toddler wearing only a diaper and pajama shirt with food on it…
Walmart here we come baby! 

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Secrets to a long, happy marriage…yeah I don't know either!

I don't know the secrets to a long, happy marriage.  I've been married twice.  The first one was a bit of a disaster, but I wont go into the gory details as it was many years ago and we've been divorced longer than we were married so it's not that big of a deal.  Okay, okay if you are going to keep twisting my arm, here it is in a nutshell (boy I sure do say nutshell a lot)…got pregnant right out of high school, dad pressured me to get married, my mom had just died so I wasn't thinking straight, we were too young and my ex was apparently having sex with everyone but me, blah, blah, blah.   Again, not that interesting, but I did get 2 amazingly awesome kids out of the deal so it wasn't a total loss.

Anywho, i'm not going to write this long, cheesy, rainbows up your butt, redonkulous post about the secret to a happy marriage, because honestly I don't think anyone really knows and it's different for everyone. What makes one couple happy, is not necessarily going to work for the next couple.  J & I have been together for 10 years now and aren't showing any signs of marital decay at this point (is marital decay even a term? LOL).  I honestly feel that we're in it for the long haul, because neither one of us want a divorce, and we both agree that we balance each other well and we really are best friends.  I know all couples say that, but if you see some couples together you wonder how they even manage to co-exist without murdering each other.  We really don't fight about a lot.  Sure we nitpick and gripe at each other, which is a given after being together for so many years.  There are days when just hearing the man chew his food makes me go a little postal, but nothing that serious.  Well I take that back, there is one kinda-sorta big recurring issue that I wont discuss because it's deeply personal, but we are aware of it and we do try to talk about it.   It's the only area of our marriage that we are not exactly compatible in.  We've read Dr. Chapman's "The 5 Love Languages" and let's just say we didn't share any common languages, lol!  No, sorry people, no amount of arm twisting is going to get me to spill the beans on this one, lol!

We're similar creatures in some sense of the word.  Both of us are loners and not very social.  We have a few good friends, but don't really make much of an effort to make new friends.  Having just a couple of close friends works for both of us, as we spend most of our time together anyways.  We are homebodies who are perfectly content just staying home and watching TV together.  We enjoy a lot of the same activities, and we have a lot of things in common (our obsession with Dutch Bros Coffee, Jamba Juice and Deadliest Catch immediately spring to mind).  Then in some ways we are total, complete opposites.  He's type A, and I don't know what type you would call me (type U for unmotivated maybe, lol).   He's a perfectionist and super artistic and talented (he's a Director of Photography for those wondering about his professional career and you don't get to that position without a lot of hard work and talent).   He's a real go getter and I admire him so much for his accomplishments.   *Hopefully he's reading this so I can get some serious brownie points for this one, lol.   I can't even draw a stick figure (see my previous post about being creatively challenged for more info).

Most people see J as very serious and quiet because that's his public persona but at home he's a total goofball.  I mean laugh out loud, hysterically funny.  I remember his first student film that he made was called "Ghetto Cribs" and it was so funny that I was rolling on the ground holding my stomach, as was everyone else who watched it.  I wish my husband would transfer it onto the computer so I could share, but he's shy so it's never going to happen.   His impersonations are brilliant, and he could easily do voice overs for any TV show or commercial.  I have never met anyone who could make me laugh so easily and I guess if I absolutely had to choose a secret to a happy marriage, humor would be at the top of my list.

Here's an example of why me & J work:

I walk by the hallway.  Hubby is hiding in the walk in closet.  I pass him by without even looking.

J: "No fair! You walked by before I could jump out and go all ninja on your ass"

Me:  "Sorry"  Big eye roll

J: "Go back and walk by the closet again"

Me: "It won't have the same effect. I already know you're going to go all ninja on my ass. I'd be too prepared".

Then I turned around to walk by the closet to get to the bathroom.   J was standing in the closet giving me the thumbs up, and making the most hilarious, awkwardly funny face i've ever seen in my entire life.   I warned him that if he held it any longer I was going to take a picture and put it on my blog, and that quickly killed it.  I tried to find a picture online that replicated his hilarious face, but nothing even came close so I gave up.  There was nothing "ninja" about his face, but it was hysterically funny and a classic example of why we work. 

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Move Bi#$h Get Out the Way!

Just a PSA for those who have road rage….if you are going to yell and make an obscene hand gesture at the car in front of you, please make sure they aren't your neighbor….whoops!

I was driving behind Miss Daisy apparently and they were driving soooooo slow that I began to lose my patience.   I was only a few blocks away from my turn off so I was like, "Move it a@@hole" and held up one of my favorite hand gestures to make my point.

Right before I get ready to turn, I realize they put their blinker on and get in the same turning lane.  Oh crap!   Yep, they turned down my street and arrived at a house just a few houses down (hanging head in shame).   Of course I had to circle around my block a couple of times, but i'm sure they know it was me as we are the only house on our street with a minivan (the only house with kids for that matter so I might as well have put a big old freaking target on my head).  Now i'm a little paranoid of retaliation.  Hopefully they aren't deranged serial killers that kill people and bury the bodies in their backyard (if I disappear then you know why).

So, make sure that when you do display an obscene hand gesture that they are not your neighbor, and make a note of your neighbor's vehicles so this doesn't happen to you.   Lesson learned.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Reusable Toilet Paper

Last night I was awake all night with a horrible case of insomnia.  After holding in a full bladder for what felt like an eternity (and to top it off I have a chronic, painful bladder condition called Interstitial Cystitis that makes holding in your urine difficult...not that you really wanted to know that, lol), I carefully snuck out of bed by strategically crawling over 3 small children without waking them up.   If you've ever co-slept before then you know that crawling over sleeping children is like trying to climb over sleeping bears in a cave.  YOU NEVER EVER WAKE THE BEARS!!!!!

After barely managing to climb over the kids without peeing on them, I sat down on the toilet to pee only to my horror to realize we were totally out of toilet paper and there were no napkins in sight.  WTF?  Who in the hell takes the last bit of toilet paper and doesn't replace it?  It turns out we were out of extra rolls of toilet paper, but geez at least leave a girl some napkins or something!  That's like leaving a big old nasty turd in the toilet without flushing it!   

I frantically scanned the bathroom for something to wipe my lady parts with (personally we use the word cooch in our house but I was trying to tone it down a little.  I just failed).   Hmmm, I thought. It looks like my first choice is Clorox Toilet Wand Refills.  Second choice my nice, plushy hand towel hanging on the rack.  I went with choice number 2….duh, did you really think I was going to use a Clorox Toilet Wand Refill on my privates?!    It turns out that towels make a fabulous alternative for toilet paper.  They are soft, comfy and extremely absorbent.    Just an FYI in case you find yourself in a similar situation, or you decide to cut back on your budget and want to save some money.  No judgement from me! 

After cleaning myself up my next thought was, "I should totally hang this towel back up on the rack.  That'll teach those a@@holes to use the last bit of toilet paper", but then my second thought was, "Yeah but J uses those hand towels in the morning to wash his face before work.  He'd be PISSED…literally, LMAO!!!!! ".   Yeah a little too messed up and gross, even for us.   So, I took the hand towel to the dirty laundry and went about my day.  My husband is lucky that I love him, and that he didn't piss me off the day before :)

Monday, August 6, 2012

Age Wars

While spending some time with my kids at the McDonald's PlayLand the other day I was playing on my iphone and quietly observing some of the kids interacting with each other.

Bo's & M were trying to play in the basketball area with the bigger kids.

This is how the conversation went down…..

Older kid: "How old are you?"

Bo's: "I'm 7"

Older kid to his sister:  "Hahaha she's only 7.  Isn't that funny?  Yeah, she's only 7.  I'm 10"

Bo's:  "So what?"

Older kid's sister:  Yeah I can't believe she's only 7.  I'm 9 and my little sister is 8 (meanwhile i'm quietly thinking her mom is a big old slut)

Older kid:  "Yeah you're only 7 and your brother is only 4…hahaha"

Bo's attempt at a comeback: "Oh yeah well my other brother is 2" pointing at Peanut (I don't think she quite got the concept that she was supposed to come back with a bigger number, not smaller, lol)

More pointless, childish banter occurs between older kids and mine.

Bo's & M eventually get tired of it and leave to go play on the slides

Me: Still sitting at the table, sipping my Diet Coke and trying very hard to stay out of the conversation.

I have a strict philosophy that if my kids aren't in trouble, then I let them pick their own battles.  They seemed to be doing a pretty good job of holding their own and no one was being hurt, so there was really no reason for me to get involved.

However, I started thinking about how hilarious it is that kids are SO obsessed with age.  It's ALL about the numbers.  I remember getting into similar arguments with other kids about age and it didn't matter if you were one week (or even 2 days older), EVERY SINGLE MINUTE counted, lol!   If you were 10 minutes older, then you were the king (or queen) or both if that's what you're into.  Moving on…..

I then began to wonder what would happen if grown adults started to argue over age?   Here's the scenario that plays out in my head:

The scene is set at a local grocery store…..I'm going to go with Winco because it's ghetto fabulous and I could see some fists being thrown (at least I could at our local Winco but perhaps you live in a nicer neighborhood than we do).

Me:  Tap, tap, tap on the guy's shoulder standing in front of me

Him: Yes (looking both annoyed and offended that I dared to tap on his shoulder)

Me:  How old are you?

Him:  25 (in a confused, WTF do you want to know kind of tone)

Me:  You're only 25?  Hahaha, that's funny!  Well I'M 35!!!!!

Him:  Oooookay, that's nice (as he turns back around thinking i'm completely mental and forgot to take my meds today).

Me:  Well I should get to cut in front of you because i'm older.   I'm 35….YOU'RE only 25.

Him: Uh, not a chance lady

Me turning to people behind me:   Hey, can you believe this guy.  He's only 25?  

People behind me stand in stunned and awkward silence, not quite sure what to say to me and again thinking i'm completely 100% off my rocker.

You see no matter how many times I play out this type of scenario in my head, I just can't find a single one that would make being older sound so cool, lol!!!!!  No one is going to let you cut in line.  No one is going to give you any special privileges.   What would we argue about?    How many age spots we have?  How many extra pounds we've put on over the years?  How many wrinkles?  What marriage we're on?  It's a sad reality but the older we get, the less cool it is to gain another year. Don't get me wrong, getting older isn't ALL bad and there are some perks.  For example, I can eat an entire jumbo sized box of Junior Mints at 2 am if I want, while jugging a diet soda in my other hand, and watching TV all at the same time!   Of course the next day that's followed up by tooth decay, a stomach ache, my pants won't button and I look like someone hit me upside the head with an ugly stick for not getting enough sleep, but you get my point :)  What I mean is that I certainly never hear any adults "bragging" about their age unless of course they are 18 or 21 and completely thrilled to finally be legal, but then again I still think of them as kids so they don't count.

With age comes adult responsibility and that's just not as fun as it sounds when you're 9.     So the next time i'm at the playground and I hear the familiar sounds of childish "age wars" going on,  I will smile and think, "These poor kids have no clue what they're in for".   

Sunday, August 5, 2012

Desperation at it's finest!

This is what desperation looks like when you REALLY want a Junior Mint but it's 102 degrees outside and you don't have AC.   My poor Junior Mints didn't stand a chance, and i'm a dummy for not putting them in the fridge and instead trying to hide them from my kids in my sock drawer….OOOPS!    So there I was at midnight frantically tearing up the box in hopes that I could scrape the last melted clump of mints off the bottom of the box, lol!    If anyone knows of a 12 step program on how to detox yourself from Junior Mints PLEASE let me know.   Signed, a desperate mint lover…..

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Creatively Challenged Moms Unite!

I suck at all things in the artistic or creative category.  I can write okay, but i'm not great.  I can follow a recipe, but I wouldn't say i'm a cook or a baker.  I can't draw, can't sing, can't play a musical instrument, didn't excel at any particular sport, can't even really color inside the lines (my kids kick my a@@ in this department), etc.

My mom died from a long battle with cancer when I was only 18.  The one thing I remember most about my mom is that she is one of those brilliant, creative, talented supermoms and I know I will never live up to her legacy.  She could make something magical out of the cardboard toilet paper roll thingy.  Me?  I just toss them in the recycling bin and never look back, lol!   She easily would've given Martha Stewart a run for her money!    My mom died in the 90's shortly before the internet exploded.  I have no doubt that she probably would've had her own crafty blog by now, teaching ordinary moms how to make extraordinary things.

She made all of my Halloween costumes by hand, and they were awesome!  Several months before Halloween, she would take me to the fabric store and we would pick out patterns and she would sew something adorable, creative, and one of a kind.  No other child ever had the same costume as me, as my mom would add her own personal touch to it.   My kids?  They get whatever is left over at Target, lol!   I'm ashamed to admit that I don't even own a sewing machine.  Nor, would I even know what to do with a sewing machine, lol!    My mom was a decorating maniac.  It would take her days to fully decorate the house for Christmas.  It was a multi-day process, lol!   She decorated every room of the house, even the bathrooms (heck, even our toilets were decked out in holiday magic, LMAO).    

Finding the perfect Christmas tree was straight out of the Berenstain Bears Christmas Tree book.   We searched high and low for that freaking tree.   We didn't just go to your local tree stand.  Oh heck no.  We had to put on full rain or snow gear and trek deep into the woods.   My mom would pace up and down the aisles for hours (yes, hours) and carefully screen each part of the tree.  My poor dad never had a say in anything, lol!  He was just a poor schmuck like the rest of us, who had two choices… shut up and keep trekking through those woods, lol!  It was a running joke in our family that after hours of searching every tree in the tree farm, we would almost always end up with one of the first trees that she looked at, lol!   She was just a perfectionist to the highest degree.  I'm assuming this is a common personality trait of the Martha Stewart types that I just do not possess.  I'm lazy, impatient and sloppy (hey i'm still talking arts & crafts here people).  

My birthday invitations were typically homemade and my birthday parties were amazing.   One year we had a Double Dare party (yes i'm showing my age here, lol).   She transformed the entire backyard into the most kick butt obstacle course, complete with huge tubs full of jello (and she even had the hand sewn flags that you had to dig out).  I wish I had a picture to share, but unfortunately all of my old family photos are still at my dad's (really need to go get those).  Anyways,  the list of fabulous parties she created were endless and they all had a unique theme.  Yes, folks add amazing party planner to her already long list of talents.   Yeah, she was THAT kind of mom….and I loved it :(    

Recently I decided I was going to try to learn something creative.  Perhaps I was inspired by Tori Spelling's Craft Wars (actually I really hate that show), or perhaps it's just my guilty conscience that i'm not living up to my mom's legacy…who really knows, but I got a crafting bug stuck up my butt.   I started thinking about the 3 upcoming birthdays my kids are having.    I know I thought….I can make their birthday cakes….from scratch!!!!!   I dove in head first and started searching the cake decorating blogs, You Tube tutorials, etc and started reading about all things cake making from supplies I would need, recipes, fondant, etc.   But, after the second or third tutorial, I found myself so completely bored that I seriously wanted to claw out my own eyeballs.   Hmmm, perhaps cake making isn't for me, lol!    I know I thought!   I could make a Turbo Man costume for M (he's obsessed with the 1996 Jingle All the Way movie….don't ask).   However, I was quickly reminded that I don't have a sewing machine and it was quite obvious that I would be in way over my head.   Scratch homemade costume off the list.   It looks like he will be Jake from Jake and the Neverland Pirates.  Thank goodness for Disney and Target for pre-made costumes, lol!   They should call the Target costume aisle, "Costume Center for Creatively Challenged Moms".

Desperate to do something to fill my creatively challenged void, I cautiously opened up Photoshop.    Come hell or high water, I was going to create something damn it!  I decided to make M a Turbo Man design that we can turn into a JPEG (much more up my alley), and then I can print it out on edible paper, buy a PRE-MADE sheet cake, that already has the sides decorated, and voila!   A custom cake, sort of made by mom, even if it's done via the computer, lol!

So, here's my half assed attempt to make something creative

*Disclaimer: I didn't make the actual turbo man graphic  (found it via google images)
If you are the artist who made this please let me know and I will be happy to give you full credit because you rock and can do stuff I obviously can't. 

And yes, my fellow blog readers who are reading this right now, I know it's not perfect, and i'm sure you could probably make it a million times better so please don't bother sending me in your brilliant masterpieces, lol!   But at least I tried and my son is thrilled with it and really that's what counts.   Of course now all of my kids are asking me to make them a homemade, edible cake topper, lol!