Monday, May 27, 2013

Datevitation Review and Giveaway

When I was approached by with an opportunity to create my own custom love coupons book, I was excited. I figured it would make an awesome Father's Day gift for my husband, who is almost impossible to shop for.   When I was a child, I used to make my own custom coupon books for my family members, but of course we didn't have a computer in the dark ages, so I was stuck using paper, crayons and a stapler.  This is a much easier, faster, and professional method of making a creative, custom, coupon book for someone special.

Basically you just go to their website, pick the dates and customize the text to your liking, and Datevitation will ship it out to you! It only took me a few minutes to make a book for my husband. You could also have the kids make a book for their dad or grandpa for Father's Day.

Their library contains over 350 date ideas ranging from dining out to skydiving. My personal favorites were the steamy adult only activities as this was a book from me to my hubby.

My coupon book arrived in a super cute little envelope that is ready to gift to someone: 

This is the cover I chose: 
The first page of the coupon book: 
One of the dates I chose (it has an empty box which you can fill in the date you redeemed your coupon): 

Books start at $20, but as a special offer to my readers, you can use the code 'PEANUTLAYNE' to receive $10 off your purchase in May or June.  The order cut-off date to ensure delivery by Father's Day is June 6th, so make sure and order your book soon!

One lucky winner will receive a free Datevitation custom love coupon book.  Giveaway ends on June 3rd so make sure and enter today!
a Rafflecopter giveaway

*I was compensated for this review with payment and a free book, but all opinions are my own. 

Friday, May 24, 2013

My take on Triscuits and toilets and whatever else pops into my twisted head

A Triscuit, a tasket, my stomach looks like I swallowed a bread basket.  The other day while cruising down the aisles of Winco, I noticed that the crackers were on sale.  I'm not a cracker person.  Of course that doesn't mean that I don't occasionally eat them.  For those of you who were lucky enough to catch my Facebook status the other day, there was plenty of mortification (I don't think that's a real word but i'm going with it), when I mentioned that for breakfast I ate brown rice crackers, topped with barbecue sauce and blue cheese crumbles.  I'd be lying if I said that I kind of want to go back to the store and buy more blue cheese crumbles so I could eat it again.

Anyways, back to the cracker aisle moment.  I was planning on buying some basic crackers for the kids when I stumbled upon Brown Rice and Sweet Potato Triscuits.  I picked it up, examined the box, then put it back. "We don't need these" I chanted to myself over and over.  I started to leave the cracker aisle, but those suckers lured me back.  I love Triscuits (one of the few crackers I actually like) and I love sweet potato, so this sounded like a match made in cracker Heaven!

When I got home I tore open the box.  It was Peanut's fault. He handed me the box and said, "Pwease momma can I have one?  It will be happy in my tummy."  How can I argue with that?  Holy adorable toddler moment! Anyways, after handing one over to Peanut, I excitedly took one out of the box (hey, I have five kids, this IS an exciting moment, okay?) It was Triscuity and wheaty, but very hard as if it had popped a Viagra and had a 48 hour erection.  It was also kind of weird.  I can't explain it, but I was convinced that I didn't like them and I was mad that I had wasted $1.50 on them.  However, before I knew it, I had consumed half the box.  Apparently they weren't that bad because they are almost gone.  Would I buy them again?  Probably not.  I'll stick with the original.  But hey, I bet you feel a whole lot smarter and wiser after reading this, right?

In other news, my toilet looks like something from The Ring. I'm still waiting for a creepy, black haired girl to pop out and make the O face.

I've also decided that douchebuckets who pull out in front of you as if their balls are on fire and then as soon as they get in front of you decide to drive 10-15 miles under the posted speed limit should be branded with a scarlet letter.  I vote D for douchenozzle.

My husband took my new MacBook Pro to work today.  I've had it for a little over a week now and I didn't realize just how addicted I had become until he mentioned that he needed it and I felt like running to the bathroom to throw up.  Why couldn't he just leave the MacBook and take the kids to work?  I could handle a day without children, but the MacBook? NOOOOOOO!

Today after dropping off the older kids at school, I told the boys we were taking a trip to Dutch Bros. I needed something to make me feel better about my missing laptop.  On the way to DB, Peanut asked, "Momma, are you going to the doctor?" He's a smart kid because a mocha at Dutch Bros is pretty much a trip to the doctor and getting handed the best prescription drug out there. Anyways, i'm going to go enjoy my white chocolate caramel mocha from Dutch Bros.  It's happy in my tummy.

Monday, May 20, 2013

Help, i'm married to soccer dad

It all started last year.  Our daughters decided to play soccer for the first time.  My husband is a die hard sports fan (mostly football).  Our entire fall schedule revolves around NFL and college football games. I wish I was joking. His teams are the Redskins and Seahawks in case you are also a die hard football fan and were curious.

This was us at a Seahawks/Redskins game in Seattle (in the rain and the cold)
The things we do for love....
Soccer was always the forbidden sport in our home.  My hubby would make a face when I would buy the kids anything with a soccer ball on it. He would roll his eyes and make derogatory comments about soccer and how football (NFL) was superior.  I always thought his dislike for soccer was lame and stupid but whatever, i'm also not a die hard sports fan so what do I know (or care)?

Anyways, the more our girls got into soccer, the more my husband's attitude started to change.  Then one day he was asked to shoot a Portland Timbers match (he's a professional videographer/photographer). He came home from the match and kept talking about how amazing it was.  I was surprised he enjoyed it so much, especially since he never cared for soccer before, but he talked about it for a few days and then I didn't hear much about it.

Spring soccer season started in March. Our older daughter decided she didn't play to again. No biggie. It wasn't her thing.  However, our 8 year old, is hooked. She lives and breathes soccer these days.  I don't know what changed in my husband from fall soccer season to the spring, but holy crap, he has turned into soccer dad on steroids!

He got to shoot another soccer match a couple of weeks ago, although this time it was the Portland Thorns (women's professional team).  He ended up being able to get free tickets for the girls and since he was going to be down on the field shooting, this meant I needed to come along to chaperone. Goody. I was not thrilled as i'm not much of a sports person and I know jack squat about soccer except for the fact that I know you're trying to kick the ball into the net. That's about it. I was a gymnast and a tennis player growing up. I never played soccer.

We went to the match and i'll admit, I had a much better time than I was expecting. I wouldn't say i'm a soccer fan, but I don't hate it either and I guess that's a pretty big deal since i'm not a sports chick.  However, my husband has become completely, totally, utterly obsessed.  I'm talking Fatal Attraction obsessed with soccer.  He got us more tickets for last Thursday night's Thorns match and this time he didn't have to shoot the match so he would be watching with us.  My reaction was, "We're going on a weeknight? At night? In the cold and the rain?"   His reaction, "Hell yeah. It's gonna be awesome."  Okay then.

But it didn't stop at the ticket purchase.  Oh no!  The following day I got non stop texts about how he wants to purchase season tickets for the Thorns.  Season freaking tickets.  Holy shitballs!  Not only that but he was practically foaming at the mouth to text me all day about various Timbers matches that we could buy tickets for, and the price difference between the Timbers and the Thorns and which sections of seats we would want and holy poop i'm getting tired just typing this.  My response, was "Babe, I think you need to splash some cold water on your face and get some coffee.  Deep breaths. Pace yourself."

Thursday night arrived and the hubby was bursting with excitement.  We got there an hour early. I'm not kidding. A freaking hour early.  We wore our Timbers shirts because we don't have Thorns shirts yet.  Yes, I caved and bought a Timbers shirt since I figure i'll probably be going to multiple matches whether I want to or not.

While we were walking about Jeld Wen field and trying to kill oh say an extra hour of spare time, my husband started talking about all the things I need to order online.  A Timbers scarf, a Thorns scarf, various jerseys and t-shirts.   I already bought a Timbers shirt, is that not enough? Apparently not. We have to be completely decked out head to toe.

The game (or match or whatever) started and that's when the screaming and yelling began. I looked at him and shushed him. It didn't phase him.

There's the Timbers Army....

and then there's my husband.  There's not much of a difference.
Our daughter had her final soccer game of the season on Saturday. It was our first and only loss. I think my hubby took it harder than she did. During the game he yelled, he cheered, he pouted when they lost. He even did the tunnel at the end of the game. Oh jeezus the tunnel! He's already counting down the days until summer soccer camp starts and then before we know it, fall season will start.  He even made a comment about how he would love to coach the girls next year, but he doesn't know all the rules since he didn't play soccer himself. 

For some reason this image suddenly popped into my head: 
We spent our weekend watching the Timbers and then he also decided to watch other MLS matches because, well, that's how he is. Once he gets into something, he is all about it. 

I'm really happy that now not only do our weekends revolve around football and UFC, but we can throw soccer into the mix. In my next life i'm marrying a sensitive ponytail man (yes, i'm making a Singles movie reference), who thinks sports are dumb and Steel Magnolias is the best movie ever made. 

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

You know you have a lot of kids when...

I love having a larger than average family.  However, some days I have that, "Oh my geez, we have a lot of kids" feeling. I grew up with just one younger brother. One sib! We each got our own row in the minivan. My kids are practically seated on top of each other. Who needs car seats when you have older siblings to help hold you down? I'm totally kidding, so please save your hate mail if you're one of those car seat nazis.

If you think you might have a lot of kids, but you aren't sure, this is an easy check list. If you find yourself answering yes to most or all of them, then yes, you're right there with me sister. I must note that as a mom to lots of kids, it's okay for me to make fun of myself, but we moms of many don't particularly care for others who poke fun at us. So here I go...

You know you have a lot of kids when:

*You go through a loaf of bread in one day. We buy a loaf of bread for each day of the week. You can say we go through more bread than underwear. No Atkins dieters in this house. Sandwiches are a staple. My kids will probably grow up and loathe peanut butter and jelly.

*Your grocery bill costs more than your monthly mortgage payment. Forget about Cheers where everybody knows your name at the local bar. You get the same reaction when you walk through the front entrance of Winco. Despite making a weekly list and checking it twice, you always run out of something (toothpaste, toilet paper, Advil, etc). Winco becomes your home away from home. You could grocery shop and sleep walk. Not a bad idea actually.

*You have no inside voice. Yelling is the new whisper. Okay, so maybe Mrs. Duggar has that super sweet, "Come on kids. Let's go outside and enjoy the daisies" kind of a voice, but I have a sneaking suspicion that she's raised her voice at least once and said, "Come on kids. Get your arses out the door NOW or this bus is leaving without you."

*Your kids couldn't tell you what a leftover is. Food gets eaten, even if it's something the kids don't particularly like all that much. That's not to say we don't have enough food to eat, because we do, but leftovers just don't exist.  Let's just say we have no need for a dog. My 16 year old son does a good enough job of cleaning everyone's plates.

*You don't have an extra seat in your minivan which means you are unable to transport other people's children around. Rats, rats, rats.

*It's cheaper to just buy a yearly membership to the zoo, aquarium, museum, or pretty much any place that offers family memberships. In one visit you've pretty much paid the damn thing off.  And forget about eating in the overpriced cafes that are on site. Your kids know you aren't buying $10 pre-frozen hamburgers and $5 sodas for everyone. We save that kind of financial rapage for Disneyland.

*This brings me to fast food restaurants. A trip to McD's for our clan, can easily cost a small fortune. Add in Redbox rentals for everyone and you probably could've sent your youngest to college.

*You keep all of your baby stuff stored in the garage. You aren't planning on having anymore kids, but you know darn well the second you drop that stuff off at Goodwill, two parallel lines will soon follow. You will keep that damn Rainforest swing in your garage until the day you die, or at least until your mid 80's when you're pretty confident that your ovaries have dried up like raisins and have fallen out in your Depends.

*You will never ever own a family photo where everyone is looking at the camera and smiling. Never.
*If you have a large family and want to add to my list, send it to me and i'll add you to the list along with a link to your blog (or Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, whatever).

Monday, May 6, 2013

A weekend wrap up only I would post

Phew, what a whirlwind it's been lately! I don't want to be one of those douchenozzely bloggers who apologizes for not posting much but i'm gonna be.  As Peanut says, "I sorry."

So, I survived my endometrial biopsy on Friday but holy poop it hurt! I do not recommend this procedure and I have five kids so i'm pretty tough when it comes to exams on my hoohaw. I was not prepared for this biopsy at all.  When I got there and saw all the medical supplies lying on the counter I started to sweat. The nurse said, "Oh don't worry. It wont hurt that bad. Just a little cramping." I began to relax until my GYN walked in and said, "This is going to hurt. You will be saying, Doc I never want to have this test done again."  Gee, that's reassuring as you're lying sunny side up and butt naked under a crappy, thin sheet!  The biopsy didn't last long but I was seriously wanting to scream out a string of obscenities, or at the very least kick the doc square in his eyeball.

After it was over I couldn't even move.  The doc had to help me up and he said, "How much ibuprofen did you take before you came in? I don't think you took enough."  I looked at him like, "HUH?" as I was not told to take anything.  He then asked, "You mean the nurse didn't tell you over the phone to take ibuprofen an hour before you came in?" I shook my head no and then gave the nurse the stink eye.  Anyways, the intense labor like contractions went away after about 15-30 minutes, but but I developed a very unpleasant side effect.  My momma would roll over in her grave if she knew I was going to talk about it on my blog but here goes….I have the worst gas i've ever had in my entire life!  I'm talking about knock a donkey over dead in his tracks! Plus the bloating is crazy! I look like Violet in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory after she turns into a giant blueberry, minus the blue hue.  I believe it's from the air being trapped in my abdomen from the procedure, but either way it's super awkward and embarrassing, especially when you have dinner plans with your husband's best friend and his girlfriend at their place.

My husband's friend and his girlfriend do not have kids.  They are one of those gorgeous (you want to hate them but you can't because they are too damn nice) couples.  Feeling bloated and disgusting, I got ready for our dinner date by throwing on some jeans, a spandexy tank top to try to slim out the bloat, and a shirt to go over the secret spandex.  Before we left for their house I tried desperately to get out some of the trapped gas but it wasn't working at all.  My hubby suggested taking two Gas X pills.  I'm convinced that Gas X's secret ingredient is actually gas because it made my gas so much worse!

Anyways, we headed over to their house and I was feeling nervous and sweaty.  My hubby asked me what was wrong and all I could muster out was, "I just hope I don't fart at their house."  His response, "Babe PLEASE don't." Great, added pressure.

We got to their house and greeted the gorgeous, movie star looking couple.  S is a professional costume designer for the film industry.  You can see her work on Grimm as she works full time on the set.  She's adorable, talented, beautiful and yeah, all of that.  I made it through dinner without passing gas by squeezing my hiney cheeks together so tightly, it was as if I was trying to crack some walnuts.  I drank two Diet Pepsi's in the process.  We all sat down on the couch and proceeded to watch a movie.  Considering both A and S work in the film industry, it's a given that you are going to watch a movie when you go over to their house.  You literally cannot leave their house without watching a movie.  It's like that Adventures In Babysitting movie when the kids wander into that nightclub and the man says, "Nobody leaves this stage without singing the blues."  The guys picked Django which didn't make me very happy considering I had just gotten over the nightmares from watching Robocop with the hubby a few weeks prior (hey in my defense it was my first time watching it as my mom wouldn't let me watch it when I was kid because it was so gory. Now I know why. Robocop is super creepy).  I knew I was in for it when I heard that it was a Quentin Tarantino film.  What I didn't know was that mother f'ing movie was THREE hours long!   I was afraid to use their bathroom because I knew I would fart and the bathroom was located right next to the living room, so I held my bulging bladder the entire time. By this time my Pepsi's had kicked in and I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream. I wanted to pee. I just wanted to freaking fart! But I couldn't so I didn't.

I wish I could say the gas problem has passed, but it hasn't. I'm convinced that some trapped air made it's way into my abdomen during the procedure and decided to just set up shop in my intestines.  If the skies of Portland suddenly start to resemble those of Los Angeles, don't worry, it's not pollution, it's just my gas finally making it's way out.