Thursday, March 28, 2013

Spring break sucks. I mean it's great.

It's spring break and i'm in a funk.  I've read so many amazingly hilarious, witty posts by fellow bloggers these past few days and I feel like a loser because the most exciting thing I can think to write about at the moment is that my hubby brought home the name brand paper towels instead of the cheap, generic, crappy ones that disintegrate in your hand as soon as they touch liquid.

I'm convinced this rash on my face (it's dermatitis according to the doc) is never going away.  It has recently scabbed up and now I look like I have the herp on my face.  Wait, is the herp even a real thing?  You know, like the clap?  The herp sounds cooler than herpes, and no I don't have herpes.  That would really make this week extra special, wouldn't it?

My one and only favorite pair of poopy pants (AKA sweat pants that have been worn so much that they have a saggy butt and look like I took a dump in them) are dirty and that puts me in an extra grumpy bumpy mood.  I feel like i'm grieving a loss.  I'm wearing my flannel pj pants but they just aren't the same. They lack the warmth and thickness of saggy butt pants.  Oh saggy but pants, please go wash yourself and come back to me! I miss you so damn much!  I miss you almost enough to get off my saggy butt and do laundry.  Almost.

I'm potty training my 3 year old, who suddenly spiked a fever this morning.  Potty training and a fever don't mix.  Although he did take a giant dump in his small, plastic potty chair yesterday so we've had some success.  I have to say that trying to clean up a turd in a potty chair is bullshit. The poo sticks to the little plastic bucket thingy and you're basically forced to get in there and scrub, which makes me wanna puke and then scrub my skin with bleach until I look like a hairless dog on an acid trip.

We have one computer and five kids.  I'll say it again.  One computer, five kids.  This should explain why I haven't been around much.  If you still don't get it, well then i'm sending my kids to go live at your house for a week.

And on that cheerful note, I hear "Mooooom, come wipe my butt" so that's my cue to end this masterpiece of awesomeness.  You're welcome.

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Why i'll never be thin again

Let's face it! Nobody likes the obnoxious chick who constantly whines about how fat she is. I get it, I really do.  There have been people in my life who have complained about their weight over and over and I want to kick them in the taco *Cough* My 85 lb mother in law who tries to play the i'm fat routine so you will compliment her.  But, i'm going to be that chick today who complains because i'm frustrated and depressed about my weight and I either write about it here, or I go polish off the rest of that chocolate birthday cake that's sitting on my kitchen counter.

Last night before my ritual evening bath, I made the crucial error of stepping on the scale. I was naked so I guess I naively figured that the gigantic plateful of Chinese food I had for dinner, or the large mocha and two (okay 3) pieces of chocolate cake I had wolfed down after dinner wouldn't be noticeable. I was wrong.  I looked at the number, gasped, and jumped off before it could climb any higher.  Then I heffered myself into the tub, curled up into a ball and bawled my eyes out.

My hubby came in to see what the problem was.  He's your typical "Quick fixer" kind of guy. I love him, but he always has to fix everything.  Sometimes there are things that just don't have a quick fix. Sometimes I just need to cry.  Sometimes I just need to pout. Sometimes I just need to be angry. Sometimes I just want to be left the hell alone!

This is the conversation that took place:

J: What's wrong?

Me: No answer.

J: Babe! What's wrong? Did you cut yourself shaving?

Me: Shook my head no as I was thinking, "Shaving? Does he really think I do this? Can he not see my scary white tree stump legs with black hair on display under the fluorescent lighting?

J: Did you get soap in your eye?

Me: Shook head no again as I was too upset to speak.

J: Well then WHY are you crying?  WHAT is wrong? WHY wont you talk?

Me: I'm…..i'm…..i'm faaaaaaat (as my voice quivered and shook)

J: Eye roll.  Babe you're not fat. You just haven't been eating very good lately.

Me: That's a polite way of telling someone they're fat.

J: No it's not. We both could probably stand to lose a few pounds. I'll do it with you.  We'll get in shape together.

Me: Seriously thinking of getting out of my warm tub to punch him square in the jaw as my husband has never had a weight problem in his entire life.  Nor has he had 5 babies or gotten a Depo shot that suddenly made him balloon up and gain 30 lbs in less than 3 months.

After my bath I tried to calm myself down, but I was still feeling sad, hopeless, and defeated.  I know you're reading this right now and waiting for the big inspirational, motivational, turnaround. You want to hear that I had this magical, lightbulb up my ass moment and realized that it's not about the number on the scale but what's on the inside that counts.  Fuck that shit!

This is what my dear old supportive, "We're going to do this together" husband brought back from the grocery store after my hysterical bath tub breakdown. You be the judge of his sincerity. Mmmm hmmm. I'm waiting…...
Okay so the chocolate cake we already had because it was my son's 16th birthday, but he just HAD to bring home a brownie and a box of giant blueberry muffins! What the hell?  Does he think blueberry muffins are healthy because they have freaking blueberries in them? Seriously? So guess who's been stuffing themselves silly all morning.  See the finger marks on the chocolate cake where the big frosting blops used to be?  Yep, all me.  ALL me, bitches.  Cause i'm a fatty boobatty and apparently stayin that way.  Oh and just for shits and giggles, I woke up with a heinous red, puffy, rash on my face above my upper lip. You know the kind of rash where people look at you with disgust and think, "Who in the hell has she been sucking face with lately?" Yeah.  Thank you autoimmune disorder for choosing this day to flare up.  I appreciate you making me feel like a fat AND ugly troll.

So for those of you who really do need to lose some weight or really are fatty boobatties like myself and seriously lack the motivation to actually lose the weight (and don't want to hear any inspirational, rainbows up your butt, mumbo jumbo or snarky judgment about how you just need to eat better and exercise and the weight will just melt right off), this post is dedicated to you! Let's whine together in the safety of our own kitchens, while stuffing our faces with chocolate cake and muffins.

And if you need more bathroom talk, don't forget to buy your copy of I Just Want to Pee Alone today!

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Ode to my firstborn

My first born child turned 16 today and it's really freaking me out. I wasn't much older than he is right now when I had him.  Yes, my secret it out. I was a teen mom. Before being a teen mom was trendy or cool.  Before teen moms were given obscene amounts of money to deliver babies on TV in front of millions of strangers. Before teen moms were making the duck face with their rhinestone studded cell phone cameras (okay, so we did have cell phones back then, but they were shaped like a brick and weighed more than a newborn baby).  Before teen moms named their babies after inanimate objects or cars, like "Bentley." Eeesh.

It's hard to believe it's only been 16 years.  It feels like a million years ago.  As a seasoned mother of five now, I can't help but laugh over how naive I was.  I mean who seriously packs a pair of size 3 jeans to wear home from the hospital, even though they've gained 70 lbs of pregnancy weight?  I probably don't even need to tell you how that ended. Lots of hysterical sobs as I realized I couldn't even get my jeans pulled up past my mammoth sized cankles.

Being a teen mom was so incredibly difficult.  My mom tragically passed away from cancer a week before I found out I was pregnant, so my dad suddenly became my main support system.  You would think since he had raised three children of his own, he would be an experienced role model, but instead my dad acted as if he had never laid eyes on a small child before.  I'm pretty sure a big hairy gorilla probably could've given me better pointers on parenting than my dear old dad. Don't get me wrong, I love my dad and i'm incredibly grateful for his love and support, but I have to seriously wonder if he spent the majority of my childhood blindfolded with ear plugs?  For example, all grandpa's dial 911 when their grandson gets their first case of the hiccups, right? I wish I was joking, but the phone call went something like this:

911 lady: What's your emergency?

My dad: My grandson's making this weird noise.  It sounds kinda like the hiccups. 

911 lady: Sir, does your grandson have the hiccups? 

My dad: Yes, I think so. What do I do?  

911 lady: Hang up the phone, wait for the hiccups to pass and please don't call us again.  

I learned more in that first few years of motherhood, than I did in my first 18 years of life.  Glade Plug In's are surprisingly non toxic and safe to consume. Who knew?  Kids always get sick in the middle of the night. It's true. And sleep is a luxury that is something you do before you have kids and then never again until after you die. 

This brings me to another parenting lesson.  Your kid will do something in his or her lifetime to embarrass you.  They will. 

One day I took my son to urgent care.  I don't remember why we were there.  Perhaps he had stuck a Lego in his ear and it got wedged too far to pry it out with tweezers?  Maybe he had gotten into my dad's Old Spice again and eaten a good sized chunk (yes, this really happened once)? Or maybe he had a slight cough and me being a first time mom totally panicked?  Yeah, that last one was probably the case.  As we were sitting in the waiting room, I noticed an older lady dressed up in nice clothing sitting a few seats away.  She didn't seem very interested in my son who was being adorably cute and trying desperately to get her attention.  Seriously, how dare she?!  In his final attempt to get noticed, he walked right up to her and with a strong southern accent straight out of Duck Dynasty said to this lady (you have to use a southern accent when you read this next line to get the full effect), "Guess what?  My graaaandpa's my daaaad".  I seriously died right there in my chair.  I squirmed in my seat as if I had a scorching case of hemorrhoids.  It was obvious by the horrified look on this lady's face, she wasn't amused.  I quickly stammered and tried to explain that my dad pretty much raised him so he was like a father figure to my son. Yeah, she didn't care.  She got up and moved across the waiting room as if someone had lit a match and the wooden stick up her ass had caught on fire. 

I wish I could say that incident was the one and only time he embarrassed me, but it wasn't long before he struck again. In Kindergarten I had to walk into the school to pick him up one day (he usually rode the bus to his daycare provider's house).  I found my son standing next to one of the school security guards and when I walked over to him she said, "T, is this your mom?"  To which he replied with a perfectly straight face, "No, maam. I've never seen this lady before in my life."  I can laugh about it now, but it definitely wasn't funny as I was digging through my rabbit hat of a purse to find my ID while pleading with the security guard not to call the police.

I don't want to make it seem like motherhood is all negative because it's not at all.  Motherhood is amazing (sometimes) and sometimes it's not (i'm being brutally honest here people).  It's the only thing that makes me laugh, cry, scream and smile every single day.  I know some of my friends are looking forward to the day when their child grows up and leaves the nest.  I dread it.  I'm considering putting an electric fence around the house so they can't leave me.  I'm kidding!  Sort of. Soon my son will be learning to drive an automobile that doesn't have the words "Power Wheels" plastered to the side.  I can't even imagine it.  The thought of my baby boy driving a car is enough to send me running to the kitchen for a brown paper bag (to vomit in of course. Screw the deep cleansing breaths!)  Soon he'll probably be bringing home dates that i'd like to smack upside the head with a smelly old salmon.  Soon he'll be all grown up. 

So here's to all of the first borns out there. The ones who gave us a crash course into motherhood.  The ones who have broken us in. The ones who made us who we are today…kick ass moms! 

Friday, March 15, 2013

Period and pee pee talk with young kids

It's not even noon here on the West Coast and my Friday has already been fanfuckingtastic.  It started off with Peanut (my 3 y/o son) saying, "Momma, I pooped my pants".  I knew immediately what Peanut meant and no, it wasn't poop.  There he stood in a jumbo sized puddle of urine with a big grin on his face.  My husband had just left for work so I couldn't kill him for forgetting to remind me that he put Peanut in "unnie pants" last night.  Peanut will stay dry all night long, but as soon as he wakes up you have to put a diaper on him or he will pee all over the floor, like a cat, who hates you and is trying to say, "You left me here alone in this house all night long while you went out?  Fuck you.  I'm pissing on your floor".  Yeah, that's my kid.   Oh and you're probably wondering why he said, "I pooped my pants".  To Peanut any kind of bodily fluid is "poop".  We just go with it for now.
So there I am trying to get wet, pissy, pants off a toddler, while also trying to avoid drowning in the rapidly expanding lake of urine.  As i'm cleaning him up, out of nowhere my 5 y/o son starts to laugh and says, "Peanut got his period".  What the hell?  I immediately turned to him and asked, "M, where did you hear that?"  He shrugged and said, "I don't know".  So I nervously asked him, "Do you even know what a period is?" as I silently prayed to sweet baby Jesus that he had no clue what it meant at the ripe old age of 5. FIVE! He shook his little head and said, "No, what it is momma?"  Holy poop, so it's not even lunch time yet and i'm cleaning up a pee creek and giving a 5 year old a pre-sex talk?  Someone give me another gallon of coffee STAT and put some vodka in that bitch!

Since I was put on the spot I didn't have much time to think of an answer.  I haven't read any of the, "How to talk to your kids about periods" if such a book even exists.  I'm sure it does. There are a lot of sick freaks out there. I have teens, but I don't recall when or how I addressed the period issue.  I sort of blocked that all out of my memory.  It's easier that way.  Trust me.  So, I took a deep breath and said, "A period is when you bleed".  Brilliant.  So now anytime my kids see a bleeder they are going to point and say, "You're on your period".   Of course M didn't let me off the hook.  He fired yet another difficult question at me, "Where do you bleed?"  Holy mother of GAWD, these boys are trying to kill me!  I responded with the best PG rated answer I could muster. "Out of your private parts".  M began laughing hysterically.  "You mean you bleed out of your butthole? GROSS!"

I give up.

I almost said, "Yes, son you are correct", but instead I just stuttered something about how it doesn't come from your butt, but rather female private parts.  Apparently that was an acceptable answer for the boy, as the questions ceased and I was free to drink (I mean fold laundry).

If you still haven't gotten enough pee pee talk for one day, don't forget to order a copy of the hilarious book, I Just Want to Pee Alone!  We've been holding down the #1 spot on Amazon and iTunes in the Humor & Family/Parenting category.
I hope you will check out these fellow book contributors when you get a chance: 
You're My Favorite Today
Nurse Mommy Laughs
Random Handprints
Kelley's Break Room
My Real Life

Thursday, March 14, 2013

Chobani Champions Greek Yogurt Review and Giveaway!

I'm picky when it comes to yogurt. There aren't many brands or flavors of yogurt that I like, so i'll be the first to admit that I had never actually tried greek yogurt before.  When I was asked if I wanted to review some new products for Chobani,  I figured this would be the perfect opportunity to finally sample some greek yogurt.

This is the box that arrived.  The kids were so excited! I don't know about you, but at our house whenever the door bell rings, the kids start screaming and run circles around the living room table (you would think we had dogs, but we don't).  As soon as they saw the bright, colorful, adorable box from Chobani, they were literally jumping and down and waiting for me to open it.

Inside the box were Chobani Champions Yogurt Tubes in Jammin' Strawberry and Rockin' Blueberry. The kids loved both flavors, but the strawberry seemed to be the most popular.  The only negative I could even possibly think of with these tubes is that my two little ones had some trouble opening the tube and it was a little messy when they were trying to rip off the tab.  But, we've experienced this issue with all brands of yogurt tubes, so it was kind of expected.  Maybe it's just my kids and yours wont have any trouble.  My kids are just messy little creatures.  These tubes would still be perfect for lunch on the go, picnics, soccer games, school lunches, trips to the park, etc.  They are very convenient and the fact that you don't have to bring spoons, make them that much easier to travel with. They are also great to have at home when you don't feel like washing 10,000 spoons.
Also included in the box were Chobani bite 100 calorie packs in coffee with dark chocolate and raspberry with dark chocolate flavors (more on those down below so please keep reading). 
I'm telling you, these kids went absolutely nuts over the Champions Tubes!  They were gone that same day. I guess that's what happens when you have five kids.  Food has a tendency to disappear.

As for myself, I hoarded the coffee flavored yogurt with dark chocolate. I mean I threatened the kids that if they touched it, they lost a finger.  Okay, i'm totally kidding about the losing a finger part, but seriously, I stuck little sticky notes on it saying, "Don't touch or you're on toilet cleaning duty for a month".   That seemed to work because I got all of my delicious coffee flavored yogurt to myself. I also loved the raspberry with dark chocolate as well, but the coffee flavored yogurt was definitely my favorite.  The only problem is I can't find it at my local grocery store so i've been stalking their yogurt section.   It is that good.  I could eat it all day long.  I'm not even kidding.  Delicious!  I highly recommend Chobani Greek Yogurt!  It's amazing!  Kid approved, teen approved and definitely mom approved.  

Some facts about Chobani Champions:

Authentic strained Greek yogurt made with kids in mind.
  •   Exclusively made with 2% milk, as fat is good for a child’s growth and development.
  • Available in a variety of tasty, kid-friendly flavors
  • Blended for a smooth, creamy consistency.
  • Made with only natural ingredients, which means you won’t find anything listed on our  ingredients list that looks like it’s from a scary science experiment.  Just low-fat milk, real fruit, and natural sweeteners.
  • Kid size portions: We offer 3.5 oz cups, and 2.25 oz Tubes for the perfect on-the-go snack.

Champions are a good source of calcium, protein, and vitamin D.

We add three types of probiotic cultures to Chobani Champions – Lactobacillus acidophilus, Bifidus, and Lactobacillus casei.

All of our products are naturally gluten-free, which means they contain no wheat, rye, barley or other gluten-containing thickeners, gelatins, gum blends, or flavorings.

Champions are Kosher Certified by the OU.

Champions can be frozen and stored for up to three months.  While frozen, the cultures become dormant, but once thawed, they become live and active again.

Visit the coupons page at for money-saving offers.

~Giveaway Info~

*One lucky winner will receive one case of Champions Tubes containing eight 8-pack boxes, for a total of 64 Tubes!   Enter below to win! 

a Rafflecopter giveaway

*Chobani sent me a case of yogurt to review. I was not compensated for this review.  These opinions expressed in this review are my own.  Your experience may be different. 

Monday, March 11, 2013

So It's My Anniversary and I Just Want to Pee Alone

Today is my anniversary which is funny considering that my hubby and I have forgotten our anniversary the past two years in a row (hanging head in shame as wives all over the world gasp that I could forget such a date).  It's not that I don't love my husband dearly, but our problem is that we always think of our anniversary as the day we met (which was in January) and not the date we actually got married.  I know it sounds weird, but the date we picked for our actual wedding was just kind of picked in a half-assed way.  We arranged it around my hubby's school schedule at the time, and spring break, and when we wanted to go on our honeymoon in Kauai and you get the point.

I probably would've forgotten my anniversary again this year, had it not been for the fact that I heard this song on the radio the other day:
Why do I have a video of Mannequin on my blog and why would this song remind me of my anniversary?  Well funny you should ask because after the pastor said, "I now pronounce you husband and wife, you may kiss the bride", it was my brilliant idea to have Starship's Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now playing as we walked down the aisle as husband and wife.  Cheesy but yet completely awesome, right?  Admit it, you're wishing you would've thought of it, huh?

Want to know what else is completely awesome?  The hilarious humor anthology that I am a contributor in, I Just Want to Pee Alone, is available to purchase today! This book is already kicking ass and taking names.  Over the weekend it hit number two on iTunes after Tina Fey and it hit number one on Amazon in it's category (not all of Amazon as we're number 17 in the whole humor category but that's still pretty awesome).

If you click on these Amazon links below to buy your paperback version or Kindle version 
then I would make a few pennies off of the sale and i'd greatly
appreciate it! 

Paperback version here: 

or Kindle version here: 

If you want to buy it on iTunes click HERE

Kobo and Sony Reader click HERE

If you want to buy it through Barnes & Noble they are taking a while, but in the meantime you can get it through Smashwords. Just follow the instructions for Nook HERE

Here is a list of all of the fabulous contributors in the book. I love them all! This list is in no particular order. I actually stole this list from Jen of People I Want to Punch in the Throat, who stole this list from Baby Sideburns.  

If you still need convincing that this book is the funniest book ever, check out this review written by From Meredith To Mommy.  

Or this review by Jessica on Amazon: If you have not yet bought this book, I am wondering what you are doing wasting precious reading time, reading this review. Buy this book, it is hilarious and will make you smarter and thinner.

So in lieu of sending me flowers or chocolates for my anniversary, please do something nice for yourself and buy this book!  You deserve it!!!

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Bring on the elf shoes! Ketchup with us #13

Twice a month the amazing gals over at Old Dog New Tits and According to Mags come up with a creative prompt that you must answer in 57 words or less.

In 57 words or less, tell us whose shoes you would 
like to walk in for a day.

In many ways i'm already walking in his shoes. 

He's a soccer dad. I'm a soccer mom. 

He was a cheerleader. I was a cheerleader. 

He loves his coffee.  
Let's just say that nobody gets hurt as long as I have mine. 

He's flexible. As a mom to five, sometimes you just gotta bend a little. 

So there you have it. In case you're living under a rock and don't know who Will Ferrell is, he's a talented and awesome comedian whom I absolutely adore and I would love to walk in his shoes. I don't care if they are filthy, fugly, smelly, or 10 sizes too big.  Will, call me. 

Monday, March 4, 2013

The in-laws are coming

Kind of like the sky is falling, the sky is falling, i'm sitting here screaming, "Oh my GAWD the in-laws are coming!!!"

They are due to arrive either Thursday or Friday from out of state.  One would think we would know when they were actually scheduled to arrive, right?  Well, they told my husband their travel plans and whenever I ask the hubby when they are coming he shrugs and says, "I don't know. Friday. Or Thursday. Or maybe Friday. I'm not sure."   When his grandparents came to stay with us for a week from Vegas, we were literally sitting down eating dinner on a Tuesday (convinced they were coming on Thursday) when the door bell rang at 7 pm and standing at the door were his grandparents, with bags in hand.  It was one of those nightmare comes true situations where your house is in shambles and you have nothing in your fridge except an old container of margarine, a half empty gallon of milk and something furry in the cheese drawer because you were preparing to do a massive pre-company grocery run.

I enjoy my in-laws visits but I seriously get a little sick to my stomach when I know they are going to be stepping foot inside of my home.  They are neat freaks.  I know everyone thinks they know a neat freak, but seriously they are OCD clean.  As in their shower tiles (and grout) are so flipping white i'm convinced they never actually use their shower.  I don't even know how you get it that clean other than replacing it with brand new tiles and grout.  My MIL actually lived with us a few years ago.  I learned a lot of things about her like it's pointless to even load the dishwasher because she will come up behind you and completely re-arrange it.  And then there's the panty.  Wowzers, the pantry!  Our pantry was so freaky organized that even my dad came to visit once and was like, "What the hell is up with your pantry?"  Yeah, it was like that old Julia Roberts, Sleeping with the Enemy movie where she opens her cupboards and all of her canned food was stacked with the labels turned a certain way.   My SIL and I would occasionally have fun with her though.  We would mix items from the pantry to see if she noticed and I swear within a few minutes, things were pretty much returned to their original place.

So, yeah, they are coming in a few days and my to-do list is ridiculous.  The bathrooms need cleaned, floors need mopped, carpets need vacuumed, and all the crap organized and put away. Piece of cake when you have five kids and no time to clean, right? Kill me now. I should clarify that my house is far from Hoarders and when you walk in it looks quite clean until you start snooping around.  Yeah, there is lots of deep cleaning that needs to be done and the clock is tick, tick, ticking!

Don't worry this is NOT my house….
THIS is my house
I should be able to get it done by Thurs. No problemo. 
Okay, okay. Neither of these pics are my house and that was a very BAD joke and very insensitive to people who hoard. Save your hate mail. Unless your in-laws are coming to visit, I don't want to hear it.  I get a "My in-laws are coming so I can be offensive" pass for the week. Or month. Or year. 

Instead of the hate mail, please do send me lots of luck, positive thoughts, and lots of chocolate that I can get it all done.  No, screw the chocolate!  I forgot my MIL tisk, tisks anyone over 100 lbs and i'm the heaviest i've ever been so please no chocolate.  But booze is always welcome.  Yeah, just send that.  Lots of it.  And fast because the in-laws will be here on Thursday.  Or Friday.  Or maybe on Thursday.

Friday, March 1, 2013

Curtain Call: Guest post by Baking In A Tornado

Curtain Call

And now we find ourselves at the end of our show. When I first took the stage here at Peanut Layne I promised that I was just the opening act and the show would be well worth seeing. For six weeks 15 different bloggers with unique voices stopped by to entertain you. We came to support our friend, to buy her some time to rest and start to regain her strength.

You’d think that trying to line up a number of Guest Posts for someone else’s blog would be a difficult undertaking. You’d be wrong. The number of bloggers and the speed with which they came forward was overwhelming. Each piece was written by a person with busy lives and blogs and families, selflessly volunteering to show support for one of our own.
So today, as I turn this stage back over to its rightful owner, I’d like to take the opportunity to provide you with one final curtain call. And if you enjoyed the show as much as I did, you need to know where to find these talented artists at their day jobs. So a round of applause please for our cast, in the order that they appeared:

Baking In A Tornado
A Mother Life
A Grace Full Life 
The Momisodes
Sorry Kid, Your Mom Doesn't Play Well With Others
Suburbia Interrupted
Follow me home…
Life on the SONny Side
My Brain on Kids
The Insomniac's Dream
Big A little a
Diapers…or Wine?
First Time Mom and Dad

Don’t forget to tip your bartender (or the starving artists). And welcome home, Peanut Layne.