Wednesday, October 28, 2020

Ooops, I Did it Again

So, y'all ready for another classic "Kristen screwed up again" story? Here you go...

I've posted before about my pure and utter disdain for scary movies. I've blogged about it in the past, on at least two other occasions, possibly more. But yeah, I'm a total chicken shit when it comes to anything spooky or scary. The Haunted Mansion ride at Disneyland still frightens me this day. I know. 

Last night in the spirit of Halloween week, I decided to watch some scary movies. First, I watched The Shining which really isn't scary to me at all because we're big Stephen King fans and i've seen The Shining so many times, I could probably recite it in my sleep. Even though it was pretty late when The Shining ended and I really just wanted to sleep, I decided to wander downstairs to join the husband on the couch for a few minutes, as late evenings are really the only time we have to spend together. Who was I kidding? I wanted food, but whatever. I was downstairs with the husband and the food. 

Much to my chagrin, my husband was watching Sinister, a movie I had never heard of before because I DON'T LIKE SCARY MOVIES! But hey, this movie was on regular TV, so how bad could it really be, right? WRONG! I do not recommend this movie to anyone, especially right before bedtime. 

After a night of unnecessary terror, we headed off to bed for what was supposed to be a peaceful slumber. I've always been afraid of the dark, since before I can even remember being afraid of the dark. I slept with my main bedroom light on throughout my entire childhood, and even into my young adult years (until I got married and my husband was like, "Are you serious? Turn off the damn light"). I'm not talking about leaving a light on in the closet, or bathroom, or even a night light, but rather a full blown, overhead light on because in my head, the more light, the safer I am. I don't know...It makes perfect sense to me, but I get that it's a bit eccentric. I don't like sleeping in the dark because I don't like not being able to see what's around me. 

Last night, I happened to be extremely exhausted, so despite feeling a little uneasy and just yucky after watching Sinister ended (I won't spoil it if you haven't seen it, but it's an awful, awful movie), I quickly fell fast asleep. At some point in the middle of the night I woke up after having an unsettling dream which is the absolute worst when you're a chicken shit because it means going back to sleep anytime soon isn't likely. I used the restroom, and did a hurdle type jump into my bed so the monster or demon under my bed wouldn't grab my foot or leg and pull me under and murder me (come KNOW you do this too). 

I don't even remember falling back asleep but I must have fallen asleep rather quickly because the next thing I know, I'm suddenly awoken by a dark, creepy ass figure of a man standing just a few feet from my bed. Talk about terrifying, right? I knew I was going to die a horrible death at any second. He was going to start stabbing or shooting, or something violent and brutal to end my painstakingly ordinary and less than fulfilled life, so I did what any rational person would do as they're realizing the last few moments of their life is upon them. I began to scream. Except, I didn't just scream a little bit. I screamed as if my life was in danger, like "We all about to die here" type of scream. My goal was to wake up my sleeping husband because maybe, just maybe, he could fight off the killer, or at least distract him or take one for the team so I could grab my kids and escape to safety. 

Not only was I successful in waking up my husband, but I woke up the dog, the kids and most likely all of Las Vegas. The next thing I know the dark murdery figure man starts to gesture, in an annoyed fashion, eerily similar to my husband when he's annoyed with me. Geez, maybe ALL men really ARE the same? Unbelievable!!! Along with the gesturing he was saying things like, "Shhhhh, stop screaming. Stop it. Stop screaming, it's just me. DAMN IT KRISTEN!!!"  OMG, it's worse than I thought..the killer knew my name!!!  

It took my tired, confused brain a few seconds to realize that this creepy creeper looming over me, wasn't an axe murderer, but was in fact, my husband. Ooops. I'm not sure why he felt the need to creep around in the dark. Perhaps he was trying not to wake me by not turning on a light, but if that's the case, mission failed there buddy. 

Our 4 year old successfully stayed awake for the rest of the night/morning, and my husband left for work a little disgruntled (likely from the lack of sleep or lack of hearing in his left ear), but this is what you get for creeping around in the dark like some kind of TLC song or something.