While lying in bed I hear the familiar buzz of my iphone vibrate which basically means "You've got mail", or in this day in age it would be "You've got email" since who the hell sends mail these days (other than my grandpa who doesn't own a computer). I try my hardest to ignore it, but my mind begins to wonder. It could be a blog comment, telling me my blog is the bestest, most brilliant blog they've ever read and by reading my blog it makes them feel smarter and wiser (okay, so probably not likely). Or it could be Ed McMahon informing me I won a million dollars, except that i'm too lazy to enter the sweepstakes so probably not that either. It could be…let's face it, it could be anything and that's why it's so damn hard to ignore the beep of an incoming email!
So I reach for my phone which is located directly above my head on the headboard, and excitedly click on the bulk mail folder as if i'm a kid and it's Christmas morning. I know most normal people ignore their bulk folder, but for me all of the good stuff comes to my bulk folder. Perhaps it's because I haven't emptied out my inbox since forever.
To my dismay this was the urgent email sitting in my inbox that was more important than catching a few extra minutes of precious sleep:
Let's Do Sexy Chat
Annoyed and curious I clicked on the link. It was from someone named "Kennedy". Right, and i'm a size 2.
So, here's what I have to say to you "Kennedy". First off if you really want me to take you serious, it's probably best not to open up your email with, "Hi sexy man". The first rule in sexy chat should be to always make sure you are at least addressing the correct gender.
Second, I really don't want to view your photos because i'd probably vomit up my nighttime vitamins, but if you really, truly insist on sexy chatting with me, "Kennedy" i'll tell you what turns me on. I'll even type it out for you, so you know exactly what to say to me, word for word.
Kennedy: Let me hire someone to do all of your laundry for you. This includes washing, drying, folding and putting them away. I'll even make sure that the wet laundry is placed in the dryer before it's sat in the washing machine so long that it smells like blue cheese and assholes when you open the lid.
Me: Ears are perking up. I'm definitely listening. Excited to hear more.
Kennedy: I see your husband is working late again. You sit down and let me cook your family a healthy, gourmet dinner while you sit on the couch and watch TV long enough that your butt actually makes an indentation mark on the cushion.
Me: Getting slightly turned on
Kennedy: I'll even serve your children dinner, but making sure that you get the first plate of hot food with the best cut of meat. No more stone cold, shriveled up left overs for you.
Me: Hot food? I haven't eaten hot food since my husband had hair. Tell me more, please!
Kennedy: I took the liberty of helping your teens with their homework. I also took the younger kids to the park for a while, and let them burn off a bunch of energy, then gave them all a bath. They are already in bed and totally ready to conk out at any second.
Me: Preparing to leave my husband for Kennedy.
Kennedy: I fixed you a chocolate cake to eat while you enjoy your kid free quiet time. I hid it on the top shelf of the pantry so your kids couldn't find it. I also fully stocked your fridge with Diet Coke. While you enjoy your chocolate cake, i'll be cleaning your toilets and scrubbing that perma ring of kid funk off your bathtub.
Me: Madly in love with Kennedy.
Kennedy: ……….
Me: Kennedy? Kennedy, where did you go? Please come back! The laundry is starting to pile up again, and i'm almost out of Diet Coke. My teens are asking me questions about something called a rhombus, and the younger kids could really use a bath. Kennedy? KENNEDY PLEASE COME BACK!! Don't leave me….sobs. Well, it was nice while it lasted. Good chatting with you Kennedy. I'm guessing this is not the type of sexy chat you had in mind.
To my dismay this was the urgent email sitting in my inbox that was more important than catching a few extra minutes of precious sleep:
Let's Do Sexy Chat
Annoyed and curious I clicked on the link. It was from someone named "Kennedy". Right, and i'm a size 2.
So, here's what I have to say to you "Kennedy". First off if you really want me to take you serious, it's probably best not to open up your email with, "Hi sexy man". The first rule in sexy chat should be to always make sure you are at least addressing the correct gender.
Second, I really don't want to view your photos because i'd probably vomit up my nighttime vitamins, but if you really, truly insist on sexy chatting with me, "Kennedy" i'll tell you what turns me on. I'll even type it out for you, so you know exactly what to say to me, word for word.
Kennedy: Let me hire someone to do all of your laundry for you. This includes washing, drying, folding and putting them away. I'll even make sure that the wet laundry is placed in the dryer before it's sat in the washing machine so long that it smells like blue cheese and assholes when you open the lid.
Me: Ears are perking up. I'm definitely listening. Excited to hear more.
Kennedy: I see your husband is working late again. You sit down and let me cook your family a healthy, gourmet dinner while you sit on the couch and watch TV long enough that your butt actually makes an indentation mark on the cushion.
Me: Getting slightly turned on
Kennedy: I'll even serve your children dinner, but making sure that you get the first plate of hot food with the best cut of meat. No more stone cold, shriveled up left overs for you.
Me: Hot food? I haven't eaten hot food since my husband had hair. Tell me more, please!
Kennedy: I took the liberty of helping your teens with their homework. I also took the younger kids to the park for a while, and let them burn off a bunch of energy, then gave them all a bath. They are already in bed and totally ready to conk out at any second.
Me: Preparing to leave my husband for Kennedy.
Kennedy: I fixed you a chocolate cake to eat while you enjoy your kid free quiet time. I hid it on the top shelf of the pantry so your kids couldn't find it. I also fully stocked your fridge with Diet Coke. While you enjoy your chocolate cake, i'll be cleaning your toilets and scrubbing that perma ring of kid funk off your bathtub.
Me: Madly in love with Kennedy.
Kennedy: ……….
Me: Kennedy? Kennedy, where did you go? Please come back! The laundry is starting to pile up again, and i'm almost out of Diet Coke. My teens are asking me questions about something called a rhombus, and the younger kids could really use a bath. Kennedy? KENNEDY PLEASE COME BACK!! Don't leave me….sobs. Well, it was nice while it lasted. Good chatting with you Kennedy. I'm guessing this is not the type of sexy chat you had in mind.
