Thursday, January 23, 2014

You don't deserve your kids

I recently received a rather nasty, hateful email through my blog from a reader who said that I was a horrible, rotten, selfish mother who didn’t deserve my kids because I cracked a few jokes aimed at motherhood and I vented about my less than perfect day. This got me to thinking that perhaps she does have a point.  Maybe I don’t always deserve my kids.

Before you panic and send me more hate mail, please let sit back and let me tell you a little story about my day.   Today started out pretty normal, but quickly escalated into a big ole flop of failure.   I was driving across town to pick up my older kids from school. My two toddler boys were buckled into their car seats.  The radio was playing, my dog was happily peering out the window, and all was good in my world.  Then suddenly just like that, something went terribly wrong.  My newly turned four year old for whatever reason, decided that he wanted me to drive in a different direction than I normally do.  A direction that would’ve made it impossible to reach my final destination.  It just wasn’t going to happen, no matter how much he screamed or cried.  Realizing that he wasn’t getting his way he began to kick his feet into the air and scream.  I feebly attempted to calm him down by trying to talk to him in a stern voice.  It didn’t work.  Then I gave him a warning: “You will be going straight to bed when we get home little man if you don’t stop it”.  That didn’t work either.  And finally I just tried to ignore it.  You can guess how well that worked out.

I picked up the older kids and began my drive home.  Apparently my youngest son was just warming up as the screaming intensified and got louder and louder.  I tried to pretend that I was listening to a new screamo rock band. It used to be all the rage, right?   When that didn’t work I silently prayed that Peanut would temporary lose his voice, just until we got home and weren’t confined to a tiny space without an escape.  When that didn’t work, I briefly fantasized about a giant bird swooping down and plucking me out of the window and carrying me away to a land of peace and tranquility, whatever the hell that means. The damn bird could've dumped my ass off at Starbucks and that would've been fine with me. The drive home was painful for everyone but I knew I had to get home as quickly as possible.  It didn't help that I got stuck behind an elderly driver going 15 mph the entire drive home.  Happens to me every. single. time.

I pulled into my driveway but things continued to downward spiral.  By the time the minivan door slid open, my baby Godzilla was in full blown, “somebody kill me now”, meltdown mode.  Suddenly his car seat buckle seemed to be held together by rubber cement and I struggled to unfasten it.  My normally petite, feather weight of a son, suddenly felt like an elephant whom was pregnant with twin baby elephants.

It’s a known fact that every single time one of my kids is going postal, my childless by choice neighbors just happen to be outside to see the show.  They shot me their usual disapproving daggers of discontent and relief that they were able to walk inside to a quiet house, while I tried to pry Gumby out of my van who now had a kung fu, Spiderman grip on the frame of the van.

I carefully removed his kung fu grip, one tiny finger at a time, immediately walked him inside and put him to bed (like I threatened earlier) and then I collapsed onto my bed, still wearing my coat and shoes.  Tears began to fill my eyes and I thought to myself “Why do I deserve this?” I love my kids more than life itself. My kids have always come first.  I turn off my shows so they can watch their annoying kid shows, even though I’d rather pluck out my eyeballs with a fork than have to watch another episode of Mario Bros.  I give them my last piece of candy, even if it’s my very favorite. I sit in long pick up lines at school even though I’m bored out of my mind, and I read them bedtime stories until my tired voice cracks and my tonsils begin to ache.  Am I saying i'm perfect? Obviously not. I think anyone who has read my blog can figure that one out on their own.  There is nothing I love more than to make jokes at my own expense.  But to say I don't deserve my kids because I don't find every aspect of motherhood magical is a low blow and pretty ridiculous.

Parenthood is tough.  It’s not always sunshine and roses. If you have kids then I’m preaching to the choir, but what I don’t understand though, is why it’s not acceptable to vent when we have an occasional rough day?  We should be supporting each other instead of sending nasty grams to someone telling them how they don’t deserve their child because they dared to complain.  I can think of many examples of why some people don't deserve kids.  This isn't one of them.

There is a definite attitude on the Internet that mothers who complain about their children are somehow not worthy or deserving of having kids.  That if we complain, that must mean we don’t love or appreciate our children.  Or worse we post a seemingly harmless vent about something irritating our kid did and all we're looking for is a sympathetic, "Hugs" or "I get it" and instead we're told things like, "Be grateful that your child doesn't have cancer."  Huh?  I must've missed the memo that states only parents who have a child with a catastrophic illness are allowed to vent. Rather we’re supposed to suck it up no matter how tough things get, suffer in silence, cry in the bathroom and tell no one, or share picture perfect Pinterest-worthy photos, pretending to be supermom, when we're really not.

The next time you see a child having a colossal meltdown in the grocery store because a mom stands firm and tells her little darling no to the 20 lb bag of Laffy Taffy, or you read a post on the internet written by a mom (or dad) who had a rotten day and are simply frustrated and at the end of his or her rope, try not to judge. Be thankful that your day was frustration free. Tomorrow you might not be so lucky.

And whatever happened to screaming Mr. Peanut you may be wondering? He fell asleep in time out and i'm staring at his adorable chubby cheeks and thinking, "Thank GAWD he's asleep."  
As for my internet hater, I wish she wouldn't of remained anonymous so I could've emailed her back and asked if she wanted to babysit.  I’d love to soak in her infinite wisdom since she appears to have this parenting stuff down.




13 comments:

  1. Oh how I love this post! I have so been there mama...with the screaming kid in the back and I have often wondered why do my kids hate me today? The melt downs and mishaps ALWAYS seem to happen in front of the worst audience. I can tell you that any time I have witnessed another moms less than perfect day I have nothing but empathy for that poor woman. I want to buy her a glass of wine, a hot latte or a 10 minute break. Put your feet up once in a while and tell yourself you are doing a good job. We only know the good days because we have lived the bad days. Your internet troll is most likely putting onto you what she is feeling inside about herself. Parenting: the hardest, most judged job on the planet. xoxo

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    1. Thank you so much! I ask myself the same "Why do they hate me?" question, lol! Glad to know i'm not the only one who feels this way :)

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  2. I know this too well. The kids are hard enough, stupid grown ups raised by Jerry Springer wolves make it all the harder. The troll that messaged you is called an asshole. Nothing more. It's like a crackhead but without the manners. And like any other a-hole, the only thing that comes out of its pie hole is crap. Just wipe and carry on.

    And if the a-hole reads this, to the a-hole, you suck. Not just because you hurt someone's feelings for no obvious reason. Not just because you made her bad day worse. Not just because she's got enough on her plate to deal with the likes of you. Not just because you are doing a disservice to kids who do have rotten parents. But because you are also ugly. Beauty is on the inside, and you are one ugly mofo.

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    1. Your reply cracked me up. Seriously, thank you for making me laugh!!

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  3. HUGS HUG HUGS!!!!!
    I have SOOOOO been there. A few days this week as a matter of fact. SIGH....
    We all do what we have to do to get through the day.
    Don't let the trolls get you down. That's exactly what they are hoping for. Misery loves company.
    More HUGS!!!!!!!!!!

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    1. Awww, thanks so much! Hugs to you too!!!

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  4. I have a theory that sometimes people criticize others because they feel inadequate, and by criticizing others they can hide how imperfect they themselves are. For instance if I was going on all sorts of blogs saying, "Oh my gosh I can't believe you feed your children McDonalds, you're a horrid mom," and "Wow, you let your preschooler watch TV, that is shameful," then you'd never guess that my children are at home eating flour and watching R-rated movies while I hang out on Facebook. (I don't actually have kids, so this is hypothetical... but you know what I mean!)

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  5. Did your blog just eat my comment? I think it did! :P

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  6. I just found your blog; this is the first entry I've read and I have to tell you I am forwarding your link to all the mamas in my life! I'm a Nana now, but I haven't forgotten what a day like yours is like. And now I see so many of the young women in my life going through the same stuff... I can't imagine why people are so hateful sometimes, but I truly believe that your particular hater must not have any kids, because the experience you described here is universal. EVERY mom has had a day like this, and I notice it's the non-parents who are the most judgemental about parenting. (I mean, c'mon; didn't we all say (or think) at some time, "I would *never* do _____ with *my* child." Ha! Never say never, little know it all moms to be! Those words come back to bite us right in our stretch-marky buns.) Meanwhile, keep your awesome sense of humor and carry on. I will be back to read more. NanaDanna

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  7. Sending tons of hugs and I get it. Believe me, I get it. Our kids range in age from 27 to 6 and there are very few days when something isn't all tilt-a-whirl and looney bin and I want to get in my car and drive very far away. Chalk the nastiness up to just that...nastiness. They're out there and always will be. I have just read your blog for the first time today and don't doubt that you love your kids and that you deserved that meltdown. If you hadn't I probably wouldn't read any more because we wouldn't have anything in common and I don't read cookie cutter, life is perfect blogs. lol!
    Hang in there and cherish the great days!

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  8. What an awful thing for someone to say to you.
    Because it cuts to the heart.
    I am sorry for you having to get a comment like that.

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  9. Someone actually emailed you that? What is the world is wrong with that person,do they even have kids? Kids are great and I wouldn't have it any other way but in all honesty they will can you want to scream, cry, run away, or jump from a moving vehicle at times. Because you care about them and love them they have the ability to get to you like no one else can. It is my theory that the moms that claim how wonderful and perfect their lives are all the time online are trying to convince themselves they are wonderful and perfect when they are really not.

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  10. I have to Laugh at your post and wonder if you were really in my car when you experienced this? Cause it happens all the time and I try the whole calm talking and the "you will go to time out when you get home" and nothing works until I turn into a raging beast and screaming "stop kicking my chair" or worse I turn into my mother and say "don't make me pull this car over"...and then after the tantrum has ended I am always the one feeling bad like I hurt his feelings yelling and I always end up crying thinking I am a horrible person. God kids have you wrapped around there little fingers. and they know exactly what buttons to press. My child turns into a kung fo Ninja when I put him in time out and it is more of a wrestling match to get him to stay in and he is usually screaming something to make me feel like the worst mother in the world...but if we did not stay firm and do these things then they would walk all over us. So you are a GREAT Mom by not caving in and giving them what they want.

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