Thursday, February 6, 2014

How to drive me crazy on Facebook

Facebook.  Ah, glorious Facebook. I know there have been thousands, perhaps millions of excellent blog posts from many talented bloggers about the bazillion reasons why certain Facebooker's get on our nerves. I can't compete with those bloggers so i'm not even going to try, because i'm ridiculous. I typically agree with the majority of these posts and laugh hysterically because i'm usually guilty of breaking a few of the rules (okay a lot of them).  For example I know I post way too many pictures of my dog.  And I probably talk about her a little more than I should....

My dog pooped on my floor. 
My dog is the cutest dog ever. 
My dog is smarter than your dog.
My dog....
yeah, go ahead and cyber slap me. I can take it (no, I can't)...

But since you asked, here is a pic of my darling baby....

oh you didn't ask? My bad. 

Anywho, you get the point.  People can be really annoying on Facebook. I'm annoying, you're annoying, we're all annoying! It's part of what makes Facebook so darn fun.

So here are some things that bug me, not that you should care or change who you are or anything because really who gives a poop if you annoy people?   

People who write a post asking for suggestions or advice.  No, there's nothing annoying or wrong with that.  Geesh, what kind of a monster do you think I am? Don't answer that....However, if you end your question with, "Now GO" I kinda want to slap you upside the head with an octopus.  I mean is this really necessary?  I know it's urgent for you to find the perfect dance studio for your precious Sophie right NOW even though you don't plan on signing her up for dance classes until next year, or which restaurant you should eat at with your husband next month, or which brand of toilet paper leaves the least amount of fuzzies on your butt, but really do I have to do it right NOW?  My response will always be the same, "Sure, let me get right on that, as soon as i'm done waxing my b-hole."

People who post pictures of their feet.  It's okay if you do this. We can still be friends, but please stop it right now.  I don't like feet.  Flip flop season makes me cringe.  And no, I don't wear Teva's with socks, but it's darn tempting.
If you grab your poor unsuspecting toddler who's wearing nothing but a dirty diaper sagging to his knees with a lovely mixture of spaghetti-o's and chocolate (it is chocolate, right?) smeared on his face,  and yet you are somehow conveniently dolled up like you're ready to hit the club, then you might just be an accidental selfie taker. You aren't fooling anyone with your bad self!  If you want to post more selfies of yourself then be all means, just do it!  But please leave Tommy and his poopy pants out of it. GA-ROSS!!!!
People who post graphic gaping wound pics. I'm so sorry that half of your leg is gone from a flesh eating virus, I seriously am, but you just ruined my date with an Old Dirty Bastard from VooDoo Donut (don't worry it's vegan) so now I kinda hate you and secretly want to stab you in the eye with a dirty Tampon. Now there's a visual I could live with. 

Or how bout this one? You're having a good day until you log into Facebook and see this pile of horse shit...."Re-post this if you value our friendship. I have a pretty good idea of which of my friends will re-post this".   You do? If you already know which friends value your friendship, then why ask them to re-post how much you mean to them?  I mean I sorta liked you before you spammed my wall with a stupid chain letter, but now i'm definitely not gonna buy you that Starbucks e-gift certificate that Facebook is always pressuring me to buy. Sorry.   

Then there are those people who complain about everything.  I mean EV-ER-Y little, teeny tiny, damn thing.   These people make you tired and sympathetic towards their spouses (if you happen to see my husband go ahead and apologize to him because i'm exhausting).

"The stupid store didn't have the sheets in the size I need. I'll kill them all."
"My food is cold. Screw everyone."
"People are horrible. I hope they all get syphilis." 

I mean I don't mind the occasional vent or rant and i've done it before myself. I'm more of a glass half empty kinda girl myself so I get it.  Sometimes we need a sympathetic ear and there is no one else around except for a 3 year old watching Blues Clues who could care less about your problems.  Please by all means vent away if you had a lousy day, BUT what really bugs me are the negative nellies who also love to rant about how sick and tired they are of everyone else's negative crap on Facebook.  I think somebody needs a doggy bag to pick up their own poo. What do you think? 

The house cleaner.  And I don't mean someone who scrubs toilets.  Nope. I'm talking about those who constantly threaten others with biological Facebook war with things like, "I'm cleaning up my friends list on Thursday so some of you may get deleted. But don't take it personal. I just have a lot of stuff going on in my life and need to de-stress"   Well then, why wait until Thursday?  I'll make things easier on ya.  Unfriend.

Another thing that gets me are people who use Facebook as their own personal divorce court.  Divorce is hard, I get it. I've been through one myself, but do you have to let everyone on your friend's list know every single marital problem you've ever had?  Write a rap about your baby mama drama like Eminem does, but please for the love of Poptarts, keep the passive aggressive crap off of my timeline!   We get it. You chose the wrong partner.  No need to shout it from the rooftop that you married a douchenugget.

And the next time I see several of these inspirational type quotes posted in a row, i'm sending you a picture of my stretch marks. They're extra sexy. You're welcome.

Phew, I feel better already! So now that I got all of that out of my system, who wants to be my Facebook friend? 

*Disclaimer: This post is not meant to be taken seriously.  Please do not get offended and unfriend me because I will cry. 


  1. I refuse to repost any "if you're really my friend" posts, on principle. Once, one of my "friends" posted this horrific story about a rape with "like if you're sympathetic - share if you're against rape" - What the balls? I didn't share it but, for the record, I'm totally against rape. I just wanted to clear that up. Super cute dog, BTW.

  2. I love this... all of it.
    I have an interesting group of Fundamental Christian friends and another set of Gay friends. My facebook newsfeed looks like a gay wedding with the Westboro church picketers lined up along the road.
    I just make popcorn and watch.
    Love your writing.

  3. I hate the emotional blackmail ones. Let's see how many of you care and will re-post this. I make a gag face every time I see one.

  4. Kristen, that was so hilarious and I agree with it all! Those are all reasons why I don't go on FB as much as I use to.

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