It's not even noon here on the West Coast and my Friday has already been fanfuckingtastic. It started off with Peanut (my 3 y/o son) saying, "Momma, I pooped my pants". I knew immediately what Peanut meant and no, it wasn't poop. There he stood in a jumbo sized puddle of urine with a big grin on his face. My husband had just left for work so I couldn't kill him for forgetting to remind me that he put Peanut in "unnie pants" last night. Peanut will stay dry all night long, but as soon as he wakes up you have to put a diaper on him or he will pee all over the floor, like a cat, who hates you and is trying to say, "You left me here alone in this house all night long while you went out? Fuck you. I'm pissing on your floor". Yeah, that's my kid. Oh and you're probably wondering why he said, "I pooped my pants". To Peanut any kind of bodily fluid is "poop". We just go with it for now.
So there I am trying to get wet, pissy, pants off a toddler, while also trying to avoid drowning in the rapidly expanding lake of urine. As i'm cleaning him up, out of nowhere my 5 y/o son starts to laugh and says, "Peanut got his period". What the hell? I immediately turned to him and asked, "M, where did you hear that?" He shrugged and said, "I don't know". So I nervously asked him, "Do you even know what a period is?" as I silently prayed to sweet baby Jesus that he had no clue what it meant at the ripe old age of 5. FIVE! He shook his little head and said, "No, what it is momma?" Holy poop, so it's not even lunch time yet and i'm cleaning up a pee creek and giving a 5 year old a pre-sex talk? Someone give me another gallon of coffee STAT and put some vodka in that bitch!
Since I was put on the spot I didn't have much time to think of an answer. I haven't read any of the, "How to talk to your kids about periods" if such a book even exists. I'm sure it does. There are a lot of sick freaks out there. I have teens, but I don't recall when or how I addressed the period issue. I sort of blocked that all out of my memory. It's easier that way. Trust me. So, I took a deep breath and said, "A period is when you bleed". Brilliant. So now anytime my kids see a bleeder they are going to point and say, "You're on your period". Of course M didn't let me off the hook. He fired yet another difficult question at me, "Where do you bleed?" Holy mother of GAWD, these boys are trying to kill me! I responded with the best PG rated answer I could muster. "Out of your private parts". M began laughing hysterically. "You mean you bleed out of your butthole? GROSS!"
I give up.
I almost said, "Yes, son you are correct", but instead I just stuttered something about how it doesn't come from your butt, but rather female private parts. Apparently that was an acceptable answer for the boy, as the questions ceased and I was free to drink (I mean fold laundry).
If you still haven't gotten enough pee pee talk for one day, don't forget to order a copy of the hilarious book, I Just Want to Pee Alone! We've been holding down the #1 spot on Amazon and iTunes in the Humor & Family/Parenting category.
I hope you will check out these fellow book contributors when you get a chance:
You're My Favorite Today
Nurse Mommy Laughs
Random Handprints
Kelley's Break Room
My Real Life
Since I was put on the spot I didn't have much time to think of an answer. I haven't read any of the, "How to talk to your kids about periods" if such a book even exists. I'm sure it does. There are a lot of sick freaks out there. I have teens, but I don't recall when or how I addressed the period issue. I sort of blocked that all out of my memory. It's easier that way. Trust me. So, I took a deep breath and said, "A period is when you bleed". Brilliant. So now anytime my kids see a bleeder they are going to point and say, "You're on your period". Of course M didn't let me off the hook. He fired yet another difficult question at me, "Where do you bleed?" Holy mother of GAWD, these boys are trying to kill me! I responded with the best PG rated answer I could muster. "Out of your private parts". M began laughing hysterically. "You mean you bleed out of your butthole? GROSS!"
I give up.
I almost said, "Yes, son you are correct", but instead I just stuttered something about how it doesn't come from your butt, but rather female private parts. Apparently that was an acceptable answer for the boy, as the questions ceased and I was free to drink (I mean fold laundry).
If you still haven't gotten enough pee pee talk for one day, don't forget to order a copy of the hilarious book, I Just Want to Pee Alone! We've been holding down the #1 spot on Amazon and iTunes in the Humor & Family/Parenting category.
Nurse Mommy Laughs
Random Handprints
Kelley's Break Room
My Real Life
