Friday, March 15, 2013

Period and pee pee talk with young kids

It's not even noon here on the West Coast and my Friday has already been fanfuckingtastic.  It started off with Peanut (my 3 y/o son) saying, "Momma, I pooped my pants".  I knew immediately what Peanut meant and no, it wasn't poop.  There he stood in a jumbo sized puddle of urine with a big grin on his face.  My husband had just left for work so I couldn't kill him for forgetting to remind me that he put Peanut in "unnie pants" last night.  Peanut will stay dry all night long, but as soon as he wakes up you have to put a diaper on him or he will pee all over the floor, like a cat, who hates you and is trying to say, "You left me here alone in this house all night long while you went out?  Fuck you.  I'm pissing on your floor".  Yeah, that's my kid.   Oh and you're probably wondering why he said, "I pooped my pants".  To Peanut any kind of bodily fluid is "poop".  We just go with it for now.
So there I am trying to get wet, pissy, pants off a toddler, while also trying to avoid drowning in the rapidly expanding lake of urine.  As i'm cleaning him up, out of nowhere my 5 y/o son starts to laugh and says, "Peanut got his period".  What the hell?  I immediately turned to him and asked, "M, where did you hear that?"  He shrugged and said, "I don't know".  So I nervously asked him, "Do you even know what a period is?" as I silently prayed to sweet baby Jesus that he had no clue what it meant at the ripe old age of 5. FIVE! He shook his little head and said, "No, what it is momma?"  Holy poop, so it's not even lunch time yet and i'm cleaning up a pee creek and giving a 5 year old a pre-sex talk?  Someone give me another gallon of coffee STAT and put some vodka in that bitch!

Since I was put on the spot I didn't have much time to think of an answer.  I haven't read any of the, "How to talk to your kids about periods" if such a book even exists.  I'm sure it does. There are a lot of sick freaks out there. I have teens, but I don't recall when or how I addressed the period issue.  I sort of blocked that all out of my memory.  It's easier that way.  Trust me.  So, I took a deep breath and said, "A period is when you bleed".  Brilliant.  So now anytime my kids see a bleeder they are going to point and say, "You're on your period".   Of course M didn't let me off the hook.  He fired yet another difficult question at me, "Where do you bleed?"  Holy mother of GAWD, these boys are trying to kill me!  I responded with the best PG rated answer I could muster. "Out of your private parts".  M began laughing hysterically.  "You mean you bleed out of your butthole? GROSS!"

I give up.

I almost said, "Yes, son you are correct", but instead I just stuttered something about how it doesn't come from your butt, but rather female private parts.  Apparently that was an acceptable answer for the boy, as the questions ceased and I was free to drink (I mean fold laundry).

If you still haven't gotten enough pee pee talk for one day, don't forget to order a copy of the hilarious book, I Just Want to Pee Alone!  We've been holding down the #1 spot on Amazon and iTunes in the Humor & Family/Parenting category.
I hope you will check out these fellow book contributors when you get a chance: 
You're My Favorite Today
Nurse Mommy Laughs
Random Handprints
Kelley's Break Room
My Real Life


  1. Darn. I thought you were gonna give me real advice to give my daughter who is right on the cusp. I actually had that talk with her, but I can't remember what I said either. But if your kid can make it all the way through the night, why can't he make it to the bathroom? Show that boy the bathroom!

  2. hahaha I was seriously dying of laughter throughout this whole post. What a funny thing this will be to look back on.

  3. Thanks for the mention! I think our next book should address this period issue! "How To Talk About A Period With Your Son". Ha!

  4. Too funny! Thanks for the shout out!

  5. All I have to say is LOL!!! Love how you wrote about your morning.

  6. It never occurred to me that I would have to have the period talk with my SON. Holy shit that was funny!

  7. You're really funny. Let's be facebook friends.
    My kids LOVE the potty talk right now. And their room constantly smells of stinky feet and stale farts. I keep trying to get the maid to clean in there but she's been busy selling some pee book or something. It's ALL POTTY ALL THE TIME here.

  8. I had a conversation with my husband shortly after my boys were born in which I told him that I'd have the sex talk with our daughters (none) and he'd have it with our sons (2). It was a conversation of the "this is not up for discussion" type.

  9. That is hysterical! Only because it's nice to know someone else goes thru the same type of mornings I do. :)
    My daughter has had an almost tourette syndrome obsession with potty talk lately. It just spews from her at 100mph.
    She also is obsessed with my period. "Why you bleed mommy? Why?" I just keep telling her it's just something mommies do. I'm not getting into the fact that she will get hers someday in 10 years. She already wants to be a boy and stand up to pee. She'd get really pissed off if I told her she, too, would bleed someday because she's a girl. I remember when my son was 4, he went to school and told his teacher "My mommy's pee is red." Not embarrassing at all :) Ah, the joys... huh?

  10. I don't think I had ever considered a period talk for my boys. GREAT! I've started pieces of it with my daughter because she's almost ten. I think there is a possibility that she won't completely freak out, but that's as confident as I can be right now!

  11. And this is why we love being mother's right?! RIGHT?
    Thanks for hooking up to the Hump Day Hook Up


Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.