You don't deserve your kids

I recently received a rather nasty, hateful email through my blog from a reader who said that I was a horrible, rotten, selfish mother who didn’t deserve my kids because I cracked a few jokes aimed at motherhood and I vented about my less than perfect day. This got me to thinking that perhaps she does have a point.  Maybe I don’t always deserve my kids.

Before you panic and send me more hate mail, please let sit back and let me tell you a little story about my day.   Today started out pretty normal, but quickly escalated into a big ole flop of failure.   I was driving across town to pick up my older kids from school. My two toddler boys were buckled into their car seats.  The radio was playing, my dog was happily peering out the window, and all was good in my world.  Then suddenly just like that, something went terribly wrong.  My newly turned four year old for whatever reason, decided that he wanted me to drive in a different direction than I normally do.  A direction that would’ve made it impossible to reach my final destination.  It just wasn’t going to happen, no matter how much he screamed or cried.  Realizing that he wasn’t getting his way he began to kick his feet into the air and scream.  I feebly attempted to calm him down by trying to talk to him in a stern voice.  It didn’t work.  Then I gave him a warning: “You will be going straight to bed when we get home little man if you don’t stop it”.  That didn’t work either.  And finally I just tried to ignore it.  You can guess how well that worked out.

I picked up the older kids and began my drive home.  Apparently my youngest son was just warming up as the screaming intensified and got louder and louder.  I tried to pretend that I was listening to a new screamo rock band. It used to be all the rage, right?   When that didn’t work I silently prayed that Peanut would temporary lose his voice, just until we got home and weren’t confined to a tiny space without an escape.  When that didn’t work, I briefly fantasized about a giant bird swooping down and plucking me out of the window and carrying me away to a land of peace and tranquility, whatever the hell that means. The damn bird could've dumped my ass off at Starbucks and that would've been fine with me. The drive home was painful for everyone but I knew I had to get home as quickly as possible.  It didn't help that I got stuck behind an elderly driver going 15 mph the entire drive home.  Happens to me every. single. time.

I pulled into my driveway but things continued to downward spiral.  By the time the minivan door slid open, my baby Godzilla was in full blown, “somebody kill me now”, meltdown mode.  Suddenly his car seat buckle seemed to be held together by rubber cement and I struggled to unfasten it.  My normally petite, feather weight of a son, suddenly felt like an elephant whom was pregnant with twin baby elephants.

It’s a known fact that every single time one of my kids is going postal, my childless by choice neighbors just happen to be outside to see the show.  They shot me their usual disapproving daggers of discontent and relief that they were able to walk inside to a quiet house, while I tried to pry Gumby out of my van who now had a kung fu, Spiderman grip on the frame of the van.

I carefully removed his kung fu grip, one tiny finger at a time, immediately walked him inside and put him to bed (like I threatened earlier) and then I collapsed onto my bed, still wearing my coat and shoes.  Tears began to fill my eyes and I thought to myself “Why do I deserve this?” I love my kids more than life itself. My kids have always come first.  I turn off my shows so they can watch their annoying kid shows, even though I’d rather pluck out my eyeballs with a fork than have to watch another episode of Mario Bros.  I give them my last piece of candy, even if it’s my very favorite. I sit in long pick up lines at school even though I’m bored out of my mind, and I read them bedtime stories until my tired voice cracks and my tonsils begin to ache.  Am I saying i'm perfect? Obviously not. I think anyone who has read my blog can figure that one out on their own.  There is nothing I love more than to make jokes at my own expense.  But to say I don't deserve my kids because I don't find every aspect of motherhood magical is a low blow and pretty ridiculous.

Parenthood is tough.  It’s not always sunshine and roses. If you have kids then I’m preaching to the choir, but what I don’t understand though, is why it’s not acceptable to vent when we have an occasional rough day?  We should be supporting each other instead of sending nasty grams to someone telling them how they don’t deserve their child because they dared to complain.  I can think of many examples of why some people don't deserve kids.  This isn't one of them.

There is a definite attitude on the Internet that mothers who complain about their children are somehow not worthy or deserving of having kids.  That if we complain, that must mean we don’t love or appreciate our children.  Or worse we post a seemingly harmless vent about something irritating our kid did and all we're looking for is a sympathetic, "Hugs" or "I get it" and instead we're told things like, "Be grateful that your child doesn't have cancer."  Huh?  I must've missed the memo that states only parents who have a child with a catastrophic illness are allowed to vent. Rather we’re supposed to suck it up no matter how tough things get, suffer in silence, cry in the bathroom and tell no one, or share picture perfect Pinterest-worthy photos, pretending to be supermom, when we're really not.

The next time you see a child having a colossal meltdown in the grocery store because a mom stands firm and tells her little darling no to the 20 lb bag of Laffy Taffy, or you read a post on the internet written by a mom (or dad) who had a rotten day and are simply frustrated and at the end of his or her rope, try not to judge. Be thankful that your day was frustration free. Tomorrow you might not be so lucky.

And whatever happened to screaming Mr. Peanut you may be wondering? He fell asleep in time out and i'm staring at his adorable chubby cheeks and thinking, "Thank GAWD he's asleep."  

As for my internet hater, I wish she wouldn't of remained anonymous so I could've emailed her back and asked if she wanted to babysit.  I’d love to soak in her infinite wisdom since she appears to have this parenting stuff down.

I'm back. Lucky you.

You may have been wondering where I went this past month or two?  Or maybe you're not. Either way, i'm going to tell you. I took the holidays off from blogging and showering (kidding. Sort of).  Why? Because I was so busy baking cookies and spreading holiday joy that I didn't have time to write.  Are you buying this?  Me either.  The real reason is, I simply didn't have anything blog worthy to write about.  Well, that and I have a slight Amazon addiction during the holidays so I was pretty much glued to my laptop ordering more toys for kids who don't need anymore toys.  I made a vow to the husband this year that I wouldn't buy anything with small pieces.  You should've seen his face when our daughter opened up her giant Monster High High School Playset and he looked at me with that "What in the hell is that monstrosity?" look.  I refused to make eye contact with him when the boys started tearing open the Playmobil stuff. I promised after the last couple of Christmases that I would never purchase another Playmobil item again. At least not for our own kids.  Our grandkids will be getting loads of it every single year, along with toys that make noise, stain your furniture and smell bad.  You're welcome kids!

So yeah, I suppose I could've babbled on and on and on about stupid things, but when I babble, I tend to give out way too much personal info and before you know it i'm describing my hemorrhoids to perfect strangers. And I don't even have hemorrhoids so then i'd be blogging without integrity. Slap me. Please.

This morning was the first day back to school.  I couldn't sleep so I was wide awake until 5 am. The alarm went off at 7:30 but I ignored it.  Then a few minutes later I heard a little voice calling out "Mom, come wipe my butt". I tried to ignore it but it didn't go away. It never does.  So I got up. In case you didn't know, unconditional love is crawling out of your warm, comfy bed to wipe a child's butt.  I wish I could say that I wake up every morning and seize the day and stuff, but I don't.  It's more like I stumble into the kitchen in a zombie like state and stuff a handful of Captain Crunch Berries into my mouth.

I was so tired this morning that I actually let my dog chew the legs off our ottoman and bark at leaves blowing by the front window. I will pretend to have no idea how or when it happened when the hubby comes home from work and asks why our black shag rug is covered in wood chips.

I'm pretty sure this long holiday break has caused me to slowly lose my mind.  I loved the Facebook posts over the holiday break saying, "Yay! Now I can sleep in".  Sleep in?  What's that? Seriously those two words may as well be "size zero" in my world. Never going to happen.  Last night I ordered a diaper bag. My youngest child is four and we're not having anymore kids (nor do I want anymore).  Just try and explain that one...I double dog dare ya!

I started a new diet plan before the holidays and actually started to lose some weight.  Then I gained most of it back over Christmas.  We had a glazed ham on Christmas Eve. I have no self control when it comes to pork products.  I will stalk the fridge like a dog (i'm actually worse than our dog) and eat cold ham straight out of the container until i'm so swollen and puffy all over my body from the sodium, that I have to use Crisco to get my wedding ring off. I'm re-starting my diet plan today and i'm pretty sure i'll want to stab my husband in the eye while we're sitting in the Costco food court tonight and he's eating a slice of pepperoni pizza in front of me.  I'm not a happy dieter.  In fairness, i'm not really much of a happy anything in case you haven't noticed.

Now that you've read this, i'm sure you're feeling smarter and wiser (I just misspelled smarter. Thank you autocorrect).  I give up.  Until next time.....

Halloween highlights, date nights and other crazy stuff

So I wrote a big long post about Halloween for you guys, but after reading it a couple of times, I decided that it sucked, so instead i'm just going to share some highlights:

*I accidentally sewed my daughter's costume sleeve together while trying to fix a small tear.
*My accident prone son ran face first into a highly visible, parked SUV and it was funny as hell (don't worry, he's fine)
*Peanut told everyone who answered the door that he liked their stairs. That went well.
*Peanut also shouted out, "WHOA this place smells like dog crap" as we walked up to someone's porch. I smiled and said, "My nephew makes such a great Woody, doesn't he?"
*Someone actually handed out Mexican lollipops with chili powder on the stick, that my 6 year old promptly puked up on the way home.
*Half of the candy we got was stale and I chipped a tooth on a petrified Starburst. Thank you to the cheap bastard who passed out last year's leftovers.
*I want to be the cool house in the neighbor and since i'm too lazy to decorate, i'm handing out Melatonin instead of candy. You're welcome parents!

Warning: If you see these children please proceed with caution. 

They are armed with a crazy mother. 

Enough about Halloween since it's so last year.  I went on two dates with the hubby last weekend. TWO! We went to see Cut Copy in Portland and it was pretty awesome, except that I felt really old. Maybe that's because I am old, but we made it to the front row and I sort of slumped over the railing and used my floppy boobs to hold me up and then silently prayed for it to end so I could hurry home and slather some Icy Hot on my aching knees. Paaaarty animal!   Then on Sunday we went on a lunch cruise, and that was really fun, but i'll post more about that on a different post.

Here we are at Cut Copy. Everyone else looked all young and hipster and I 

looked like I robbed an Old Navy store just moments before the show. 

The other day I reached an all time low when I posted this as my Facebook status:

"My van has a pukey towel in it, a stool sample for the dog's vet appt, and Peanut's shoes with poo stuck on the soles. And I wonder why I have no friends. Oh and i'm wearing granny panties with leggings and an overnight maxi just in case you still thought I had a shred of friend appeal left."

Speaking of friends, I honestly don't have that many.  I know it's totally shocking that someone with my optimistic, sunshiney personality wouldn't be drowning in friends, isn't it? Over the years, i've found it really difficult to maintain friendships and juggle five kids and a husband and all that fun stuff that makes life so magical.  I'm busy, or tired, or just feel like a big blob of poop and don't want to leave my couch, etc. Eventually people just stop calling and I totally get it.  I wouldn't really want to keep trying with someone like me either.  I'm kind of weird. I talk too much and don't know when to stop.  On Weds our 9 year old had her end of the season soccer party and I got seated across from the one and only family in Portland who goes to church. I know, right?  We start talking and somehow the subject of customer service jobs comes up and I briefly worked as a customer service rep for a major credit card company. I'm telling her a story about my first call and of course it has the word asshole in it. I can't help it. It's an integral part of the story, I swear.  As soon as I said it, my husband nudged me under the table. This is his, "Shut up honey" nudge but I just had to keep talking and talking and talking.  I noticed at the end of the night she was programming all of the other mom's phone numbers into her phone, but I got skipped. I just had to tell the asshole story! Until they come up with invisible duct tape, i'm most likely going to remain friendless.

Yesterday I sat on the couch watching Spongebob with the kids while wearing fugly PJ's without a bra, unbrushed hair and teeth, and eating honey BBQ chicken strips as if I were trying to set a new world record, when I got a text from my hubby that one of our mutual friends (but mostly my hubby's friend cause remember I don't really have any) who works on a very popular TV show, is also working on a movie set with a very famous actress (I wont say which one but you've definitely heard of her).  Our friend went out with super famous actress last night and they sang karaoke and at first I felt a little bit jealous like, "Wow, so you mean people actually live in a world that doesn't include washing numerous loads of mismatched towels drenched in dog pee or catching kid puke with a single Taco Bell napkin in the van (that actually happened this week)?  But seriously, I know I have a lot to be thankful for (like my daughter's detention getting cancelled so I didn't have to sit and wait for her in the parking lot), and that things could always be a lot worse (I could be pregnant again).

I'm a snake. Or not.

I finally sit down to type out a post and guess what happens?  My mind goes completely blank.  My Lifetime movie is blaring in the background, Peanut is yelling at me from the other room, and all I can think about is how quiet the dog is being, which usually means i'll be cleaning up dog poo or urine soon.

Things are still very overwhelming in our house, hence my long term absence on my blog.  The puppy requires constant supervision, and i'm struggling to keep up with housework and bill paying and all that fun stuff (as if I was caught up on all that stuff before we got the dog, but whatever).  I haven't purchased Halloween costumes for my kiddos yet.  At least I wont be needing to purchase a costume for myself, as I seem to be doing a fabulous job of looking like a hobo.  My son has a birthday in two days and I have nothing purchased or planned yet.  I'll include my address at the end of this post so you know where to send me my Mom of the Year Award.

At least we had a busy, fun filled weekend, as typically our weekends consist of sitting on the couch watching sports.  My sister in law came to visit with her family. I feel like I hardly got to talk to them or play with my newest, little nephew because the dog is just so demanding.  I'm hoping they come back up for Thanksgiving, and that Olive will be a little easier to deal with.

This morning I could barely get out of bed.  It was one of those mornings where I woke up before the alarm went off.  I had ten minutes left to sleep and those minutes were like my favorite chocolate that the kids never found.  When it was time to get up for real, I rolled my big, lazy body over the edge and hurled myself over the edge.  I staggered down the hall, tried to adjust my blurry eyes and freaked the hell out.

I thought I saw a snake.  I know, right?  But it was only some gaffer tape that Olive had chewed up from under the ottoman (cause we're classy like that).

It looks snake like. Sort of. Or not. 

But it does make me think of my favorite YouTube video of all times: 

Anywho, I certainly have my work cut out for me this week.  I need to get off this computer, figure out whether Olive is eating a dog treat or part of our ottoman (they look pretty similar to be honest).  Then I need to pay our water bill before the water company shuts off our water and we're taking showers with dirty gutter water.  I need to plan something for my poor son's birthday so he doesn't grow up and resent me.  Then I need to find Halloween costumes that don't look like they came straight from the Playboy Mansion.  Basically I need to become a magician.

Minted Review

For the past few years i've been saying i'm going to send out holiday cards, but then I end up getting busy and forget to send them out. However, this year i'm determined to send them out, so i'm getting an early jump start on the process.  I have decided to go with an adorable online stationery shop by the name of Minted.  You can find so many fun paper products on Minted, such as wedding invitations, save the date cards, new baby announcements, birthday invites, and so much more!

The hardest part has been deciding on a design because I truly love them all.  You are sure to find a design that you love, as there are pages and pages of amazing designs to look through.  Another thing I found neat about Minted, is that it is powered by thousands of independent designers.  If you don't care for one designer's style, you are sure to love another.

Love this one! 

I'm really leaning towards the photo Christmas card, if (and this is a big if), we can get our five little darlings to cooperate long enough to get a picture that doesn't include closed eyes, crying, or nose picking.

For those of you who prefer non photo holiday cards, they also have traditional cards that are very lovely.

I absolutely adore this one! 

They even have holiday postcards! 

I love this idea!  

Check one thing off your holiday to do list by visiting Minted and ordering your cards today! 

*I was not compensated for this review but I did receive Minted credit in exchange for my review. All opinions are my own. 

That one time when I tried to breastfeed the dog

I know I keep repeating myself like a toddler these days..."Hey mom, you know what?  Hey mom, you know what?" Yeah, like that.  But seriously, my life feels like a cheesy horror flick and i'm the main character that just wont die off (but without the bonus of having oversized, perky breasts).  So once again, I find myself apologizing for not being around much to blog.

I'm exhausted.  I mean ex....haus....ted.   I've been going to bed earlier than I ever have in my life thanks to Olive waking me up at the butt crack of dawn, but i'm still dog ass tired in the morning.  And I even look and probably smell like a dog too because I can't even remember the last time I washed my hair, shaved my legs (or other parts), or put on make up, or wore clothes that didn't have remnants of last night's dinner.  Yep, i'm a sexy bitch all right.

I'm so exhausted that the other day I was sitting on the couch like a zombie, when Olive jumped up on the couch next to me. I instinctively lifted up my shirt to offer her boobs (habit from breastfeeding Peanut for so dang long).  She looked at me all confused and for a split second I was thinking, "Sweet, maybe she's finally ready to wean" and that's when it hit me that I was trying to breastfeed my dog.  That's gotta be cuttin it dangerously close to rock bottom, you think?

Is this chick serious?

*Pic borrowed from Google

On Wednesday (known as my hell day because Weds are half days in our district and they are crazy), I made it to the evening where the only thing I had left to do was take Bo's to soccer practice. Okay, I could handle that, so I thought.  I got her ready to go which is always a nightmare because she's super slow to do anything and therefore she's perpetually late to everything (like my husband).  We made it to the school and found her team (which happened to be playing in the far field so by the time I made it there I sounded like an 80 year old with emphysema because i'm fat and out of shape).

I noticed right away that all of the girls were dressed in their game jerseys, black shorts, hair pulled back, etc. My daughter was wearing a pink tank top with an ice cream cone on it.  I walked up to another parent and asked, "Do they have team pictures or something?"  He looked at me like I was a moron and said, "Um, no, they have a game."  And it started in 15 min! Awesome!  So, I ran back across the field towards my minivan and I called my husband to tell him they had a game (while I was attempting to run). I was panting heavily because I don't run, not even if you hold out a giant tray of donuts to tempt me (well, okay, maybe I would run for donuts).  He automatically assumed I had gotten mugged.  Out of breath wife, apparently means muggage.  I drove home, dug through the dirty laundry for the game jersey, got back into my van and raced back to the game.  Luckily I got there in time but I was sweating like a pig and completely out of breath.  I threw my mother f#@king fold out chair on the ground (while it was still in the bag) to catch my breath and it landed on my foot, nearly slicing off a toe.  I had to act tough while inside I was screaming, "Son of a f#@king monkey loving b$#ch!!!!!"

I'm not sure how this weekend could possibly top the week I had, but i'm already on a roll. I got woken up at 5 am by Olive trying to chew my hair right off my scalp and my period showed up as well. Did I mention we have an extra soccer practice tonight and an 8:30 am game on Saturday?

We got a puppy

I know I completed vanished off the face of the Earth, but I have a valid excuse.  We got a puppy! Two weeks ago, on a Saturday, the hubby and I drove three hours to Seattle to pick up Olive.  She's a purebred Hungarian Vizsla and pretty stinkin cute, which is good for her, since i'm not too thrilled about getting up with her at 6 am every morning. My life now consists of cleaning up pee and poop, making sure she's not destroying my house or getting into something that could hurt her, feeding her, playing with her, and breaking up wrestling matches with the boys.  Hmmmm, I guess you can say that not much has changed!

I feel terrible that I haven't been keeping up with this blog. It's not that I had so much more extra time last year to post, but I didn't have a dog, and I also wasn't homeschooling a Kindergartener.  I'm realizing that I just can't do it all.  I have five kids.  Sometimes I forget that.  Okay, no I don't, but I compare myself to other bloggers who don't have five kids and I really shouldn't do that.  I'm not saying i'm going to stop writing on Life On Peanut Layne.  Nope, sorry you can't get rid of me that easily. I just need to cut myself a break, while I try to figure out a realistic routine that doesn't involve me having a nervous breakdown where I find myself curled up in a ball on my dog pee stained rug.

Since this is our first dog, I decided to start a dog blog journaling our dog owning experiences.  A dog blog. Nerd alert! Yes, I could just use this blog, but I totally get that not everyone wants to read about my dog.  I have never been a dog person, until we got Olive and now i'm slightly obsessed with her.  Well, okay...I did have a brief moment of regret the other morning when I was running seriously late dropping my daughter off at school and I ran back in my room to grab my jacket and I stepped in a huge, steaming pile of fresh dog poop...and I was barefoot. 

And in case you don't feel like clicking on the link, this is our Olive. 

She's a keeper...even though she poops on my floor.