Guest post from follow me home...

A Guest Post from follow me home . . .

By Michele @ http://followmehome.shellybean.com  

My name is Michele Marriott. I blog over at http://followmehome.shellybean.com  I’m one of those bloggers who loves to stay connected with the blogosphere, but can never find quite enough time to post my own stuff as often as I’d like (at least once a week!). That’s completely ok. What’s wrong with spreading the love around to those who need it, anyway? When I was approached about filling in for Peanut Layne, I happily accepted. That girl is hilarious!  I said, “Of course! I might as well be writing on SOMEONE's blog…”

Let's see, for today, since we’re just getting to know each other a bit, I decided to share with you a few of my favorite moments of being a Kindergarten school teacher.

I actually went to college to teach high school chemistry; took a "wrong" turn and ended up in Elementary Ed. It was exactly where I needed to be. Everything about teaching little 5 and 6 years olds made my life worthwhile. They needed me less than I ever needed them. Alas, I had my own husband and children to take care of as well. After about ten years, I realized I couldn’t quite give both jobs 100 percent, so I chose to stay at home. I now tutor and help in my child's classroom, but sometimes it's not enough. Those little children were mine too. I taught them things they didn’t know before coming in. I smiled as they sat on the floor petting my velvet shoes or watched as their eyes bulged open whenever I read, “Piggy Pie!!!” My favorite part now is to see a grown man or young lady yell out my name across the grocery store. Their bodies and voices are much larger, but if I look closely, I can still find their innocent 5 year old face. Love. Okay now, that’s enough about that.


Here are just a few cute share quotes/stories that I’ve gathered through the years.

“You know Mrs. Marriott, you may NEVER get a chance to have Jesus in your heart or go to heaven if you keep drinking all that coffee.” said Anna, 5 (I live in a state where caffeine is looked down upon.)
“Well Anna, it is almost gone. See? I’m on to my last cup and it’s only 2:30! There is plenty of time to receive God." –Me

 (Huffing and Puffing) "Oh I'm sorry for being late today, Mrs. Marriott...And I forgot my show-n-tell too! My dad was yelling at my mom about us always running late..." sobbed Markella
 "I'm sorry, Markella. It’s okay. We'll just schedule your day for tomorrow. Is your mom all right?"-I asked
 "Yeah, she's fine. She made him walk to work and called him an ass."-Markella, one of my top ten favorite students

  “Mrs. Marriott, I don’t want to hurt your feelings or anything, but I have a worry . . . (at Kindergarten round up), those toilets look awfully small, and well I eat a LOT of food." -Corbin, 6

 “Mrs. Marriott, I just wanted you to know that if you don’t have anywhere to go for Turkey day, we’d be glad to have you over. My mom says my aunt and uncle are nuts so they can sit in the basement." -Deke,

 “I know you want me to read those words to you Mrs. Marriott. I don’t WANT to do it, but I see you wore that nice scarf and all, so I guess I’ll give it a try". -Orlando 5, future playboy

“I don’t know what the big idea about this “Mrs. Marriott” is anyway. WE never paint, or dance to Baby Beluga. I'VE never made a wood jewelry box…you know that beef jerky you’re exchanging for necklaces right now? That was probably just going to be our dinner tonight". My eldest daughter, then 6 years old.

 Thanks for letting me join in this week. Cheers to Peanut Layne getting well soon!  If you have the time, pop over and see what’s happening at our crazy house. Last entry - two weeks ago. I'm lightning fast like that . . .

XOX
Michele

It's not a hole in one.

This post is graphic and grody and you might want to have a bucket of Clorox nearby to bleach out your corneas after you read it.  So now that you've been warned, if you still think you can handle it, then by all means read away.

Last weekend my IC (interstitial cystitis) was flaring like a mother.  I'm talking bladder and urethra were completely swollen (yes, i'm going to use medical terms here to at least sound intelligent which you will know is total and utter bull crap after you read the rest of my post).   I was having trouble urinating (peeing for those who don't like big words).   I tried an ice pack on my urethra but it didn't help.  Then I got into the bathtub.  By this point it was almost 2 am.  There I was hunched over the tub trying to squeeze out my pee...screw it, I just said pee. I'm going balls to the wall casual from this point out!

I got out of the tub and was still miserable so I pulled out the SpeediCaths that my urologist had given me to use in an emergency.  For those who have normal bladders and don't need a catheter (because unless you're 90, most normal people don't), a SpeediCath is a handy dandy pocket sized catheter that is shaped kind of a like a hard plastic tampon.

See the nice pretty box? Looks fairly harmless, right? 

So I pull and twist, and out pops the long, sharp, pointy, catheter thingy.  I opened the directions since i've never self-cathed myself before and there were like 3-4 steps and they seemed pretty basic.  Basically you pop the catheter into the uretha about 2 cm at a time until you feel some resistance in your b-hole (don't ask why, i'm just simply stating what's on the directions) and out comes the pee. I know you're all crossing your legs right about now and weeping.

After five kids, you would think that I would know my urethra from my vagina, correct?  WRONG. I stuck the catheter (no jammed is more like it) all the way into my vaginey.  Why?  Because i'm a genius, that's why.  No, seriously, I DON'T KNOW WHY I DO THE THINGS I DO!!!!

Not only did I not get out any urine, but when I pulled out the cath, and it was covered in blood.  Eeesh.  I was pretty sure that wasn't supposed to happen.  I started to freak.  I mean it was 2 am so I wrapped a towel around my naked body (I had previously been in the tub, remember?) and I sat my naked hiney on the computer chair (FYI, in case you're ever at my house, don't say I didn't warn you about the chair).   I started Googling like a madwoman about catheter accidents.  However, I couldn't find a single thing!  Why?  Because NO ONE with half a brain sticks a catheter into their vagina, that's why!!!!

So, I went back into the bathroom with tears streaming down my face.  I was convinced I had perforated my uterus and sudden death was imminent.   I sat down on the toilet and tried to pee.  I figured maybe i'd get lucky and dodge a bullet and i'd be able to pee and everything would be fine.  No such luck.  I thought I was peeing, but when I peered into the toilet bowl all I saw was blood.  OH MY GOD, I was dying! DYING!!!!  By this point I was in an all out panic.  I'm stumbling around the dark bedroom (my boys were sleeping in my bed), trying to find undies, socks, pants, etc so I could drive myself to the emergency room.  The hubby was just standing there with this, "I can't believe you really did that" look on his face.  He wasn't able to go with me because the kids were sleeping and to be honest, I don't think he wanted the hospital staff to know he was the husband of the woman who jammed a catheter into the wrong hole.

I got to the hospital and waddled inside.  I don't have a quiet voice. It carries.  I started explaining the story to the receptionist (loudly).  By this point I could feel ALL eyes on me.  People in the waiting room were staring at me and whispering things like, "She stuck a what in her vagina?"   Apparently all you have to do to get speedy service in an ER is tell them you tried to self cath yourself and you're bleeding profusely because I was taken immediately back into an exam room, which pretty much NEVER happens.

Once I was back in the exam room, I had to keep re-telling my story to the many nurses who were coming in and out of my room.   There I was huddled under a thin, papery sheet that was probably peed on by the previous homeless bum who was using the ER to nap in.   Not to mention the beds inside the ER feel like they're constructed out of cardboard.  I'm not sure the ER doc I saw understood the point of my visit as she kept saying, "So you have blood in your urine?"  I tried to explain many times, "No, I don't have blood in my urine because I didn't actually stick the catheter INTO my bladder" but she didn't understand.  Basically all they did in the ER was drain my bladder with a catheter (they got the right hole by the way), and then test my urine for an infection (which was negative of course).   I was never given an exam which kinda sucks because i'm still bleeding and was told to go back in if i'm bleeding 24 hours later.  Part of me is too afraid to go back in.  The other part is too humiliated.  I would love to know what they wrote in my chart.  For example if I do have to return are they going to be huddled in a group whispering, "The moron who stuck a SpeediCath into her vagina is back."

Super Mommy Dollar Store Edition: Guest Post By Suburbia Interrupted

Super Mommy. Dollar Store Edition

By Dani @ http://suburbiainterrupted.com/

Six months ago, I was a dollar store virgin.  I had never gone shopping at a dollar store, mainly because I had this notion in my head that it was filled with crap.  Now granted, dollar stores do have a lot of crap in them that I would never in a million years buy, but as I have learned in these past six months, there is also a lot of crap in the store that I will.

The local dollar store I visit is now my go to place to buy cleaning supplies, candy to sneak into movie theaters, and as I have learned, the best place in the world to bring my three little kids when I want to be known as "Super Mom."

Yesterday was a day off of school and I was trying to think of something 'special I could do with the little kids since their two older brothers had their fun over the weekend.  I remembered that a few weeks ago the little kids kept asking me if I would bring them to this elusive dollar store they had heard about.  So, I rounded the little kids up and told them to get ready that we were going somewhere special.  The entire (10 minute) car ride, they kept guessing where I could be bringing them-Disney, the park, the local animal sanctuary.

We pulled into the parking lot and started walking toward the store. Finally, they saw the sign.

"OMG! She brought us to the dollar store!" one of the kids belted out.

We walked inside and I said, "you guys can pick out whatever you want."

Somehow the three kids decided that they would each get three things and began looking around.  My daughter immediately grabbed her three items in the first aisle she came to while the boys found what they wanted in the toy section.

As we were driving home, I looked in the mirror and saw just how happy the kids were.  They were laughing, smiling, and so excited to get home to play with their new toys.  When we got inside the house, all three kids gave me a huge group hug and in unison told me how awesome of a mom I was for bringing them to the “one dollar store” and letting them pick out THREE toys.

I'll take the compliments where I can get them, but who knew the dollar store would end up being the highlight of my day.

Blog Friends Vs Real Friends: Guest Post by Sorry Kid, Your Mom Doesn't Play Well With Others

Hi! I am Ashley. I blog at http://www.sorrykid.blogspot.com/. I have 5 kids, yes you read that right, and am pregnant with number 6- I know I know, I am an overachiver...Ha, if you know me that is far from the truth. Anyway, I am toning it down a little for you today. Grab a cup of coffee and pretend I am sitting across the table.

Blog Friends Vs Real Friends

Blogging is much more than putting words onto a computer screen and pressing publish.  Blogging is sharing your life with strangers, to anyone who wants to take the 5 minutes to know more about you and your family. Raw thoughts take a lot of courage to put out there, for anyone to judge or mock (all under the heading of Anonymous). Most people find it hard to describe themselves in 3 words, lets try 150+. Bloggers have to be willing to put the real them onto paper, you can hide behind a screen for a little while but sooner or later if you are fake you will be figured out. Bloggers are like you, but they tell the truth- and let it all hang out regardless of what other people will think. There are no cutesy Facebook posts about my sweet little perfect angel who just pooped in the potty for the first time at 8 months. You get the raw deal, my 4 year old just crapped himself AGAIN and then decided the living room would look lovely in a shade of shit brown. Every once in a while you get a random thought that pops into our head, those are usually the ones that most people just keep to themselves, not us, we bare all. Bloggers have balls.

Real people, you know, it is a hodgepodge. Some people are awesome, most are fake. You don't ever really know what is going on in someone's life unless you are a freak and creep around looking in windows or they are oversharers on Facebook. Which I have seen way too often, every cold or sprained ankle makes the newsfeed and when their kid actually makes a doodie in the toilet the picture of the load in the bowl is being paid to be promoted. But in general, real feelings aren't being put out there. Real thoughts are kept in, the courage to type them is smothered by fear of what people really think of them.

Being a blogger isn't just about the courage it takes to publish the real story, it is about building friendships. I have been so lucky to find a group of women who are supportive and want just as good for me as themselves. That doesn't happen very often, as most women are so judgmental that if you would say your real thoughts you would be outed from the group. They take nothing less than perfection. Sometimes real life is sad, and people in your real life may care (family not included, they almost always care) or they may run away, because broken is not on their checklist on hand made paper with perfect calligraphy. Those people suck. We don't like them, the pretty well-dressed Martha Stewart's can just go to hell.

Anyway, having made these friendships is like getting a second chance at High School, but we all don't care what you wear (we dig the homeless chic look too) and the level of our friendship doesn't depend on who we are dating (unless it's Adam Levine, and then we will hate you). We care about each other because we want to, not because of the numbers next to their name. This blogging community has made many of us feel normal for the first time in our lives. We now know that other people are just as random as us and we won't be compared to the Duggars for having a few more than the average number of children. (Even though mine now is going through a metro phase and thinks he should dress up ALL THE TIME. Seriously, he looks like he should be carrying a Bible and knocking on doors.) Anyway you get it, we have a community of friends...blah blah. So when one of us gets dealt a shit hand you know we are going to come together and do what we can, write. So you may be seeing more of me- lucky you, right? Until next time, I am going to sit on my couch and give the kids a nickel a piece to rub my feet and look up home remedies for Peanut...

Woe's Of The Pee Pee Princess And The Sleepy Queen: Guest Post by The Momisodes

Woe's Of The Pee Pee Princess And The Sleepy Queen

By Sarah @ http://themomisodes.com

It's an honor that, my first guest blog spot is on Peanut Layne. When Karen at Baking In A Tornado said she was helping out, it was just natural for me to offer a hand. Peanut Layne is an awesome blog, so I hope that this doesn't take away from it's awesomeness. If you are stumbling upon this blog for the first time, please don't judge it based on my post, k?

First thing's first.....My name is Sarah and I'm the owner of The Momisodes, a blog where I talk about my life as a stay at home mom to 8 year old boy/girl twins and a 3 year old little girl. It's the 3 year old you'll get to meet today!

We started potty training last month. Well, if you want to get technical, we started trying to potty train at about 18 months, but back then, she was more interested in eating out of her potty chair (I kid you not, there is a video of her giving my husband cereal that she had stored in the potty bowl!). We held on to that darn chair for a year until we realized she just WAS NOT going to use it.

By this time, we realized she was intensely interested in Mickey Mouse....more Minnie than anyone, so we bought her a Minnie Mouse potty chair that said "Hip, Hip HOORAY" when you pushed the handle down.

SHE WAS TERRIFIED OF THE THING!

I swear, thinking she was going to have to sit on it sent her into a panic that had her snotting and crying her eyes out, trembling and huddling into a corner. She was absolutely PETRIFIED to sit on it, or any potty.

Great...I was going to have THAT kid.

Let me backtrack a little here and tell you that I did not potty train my twins. Day care potty trained my daughter A. She was about 3.5 when we ditched diapers and almost 4 when she stopped wearing a pull up to bed. My son, S, was potty trained at about 4 years old..maybe 4 and 1 month. My Dad potty trained him and he went another month until he wasn't wearing a pull up at all. So, to say I had no idea what I was doing would be a fair statement.

Fast foward to October of 2012 and I say "Ya know what C, we are going to do this potty thing!" So we tried and she did it about half and half. Then in November, we stopped wearing diapers during the day and she went potty, for the most part, about 75% of the time. In December, we didn't buy ANY diapers and she just started wearing panties at night.

She MIGHT have an accident about 4 times a month now. Unless she has tummy troubles, she makes it to the potty all the time during the day. Night time.....once she has woken me up to take her potty. IF she pees the bed, you'd think that she'd just shot herself in the foot. She will wake up SCREAMING and saying "I pee my bed!!!" The poor thing….

Last night, she had an accident, so I did the sleeping mom shuffle (it WAS 2 in the morning) to her room and she was trembling and just crying her little eyes out. I'm not sure how much she'd peed, but it wasn't a whole lot. You'd have thought she'd seen a ghost or something. I think it's more an embarrassment thing than anything. I stripped her bed (a few weeks ago, we switched her to a twin size bed and I had the foresight to put a garbage bag under her...I'm smart like that!) and did the shuffle back to my room to get the spare sheet, put it on and she just jumped up in the bed and went back to sleep like it was nothing.

Me? I tossed and turned.

Needless to say, I'm exhausted this morning....but hey, she's well rested right?

A post by me

They say blogging is like riding bike. Once you learn how, you never forget.  Okay, I lied. No one actually ever said that about blogging because, well, that would be stupid.  I should probably also mention that it IS possible to forget how to learn to ride a bike, especially if you never learned how to properly ride one in the first place. For example when I was a little kid my best friend and I decided to race invisible monsters around the culdesac only my tire got a little too close to the curb and I flew out into the street, using only my face to catch my fall. That was a super fun ER visit, complete with getting my chin stitched back together by one doc, while the other one scrubbed tiny street particles out of my cheek.  If racing invisible monsters was an Olympic sport, my medal would've been made entirely out of dog poop.

Anywho, my point is that if I don't blog something (anything) soon, I will never remember how to blog again.  Don't get me wrong…i'm eternally grateful for Karen at Baking In A Tornado for organizing an amazing, talented slew of bloggers to keep my blog alive while I take some time away to ice my vagina (more on that later) and squint like a pirate because my vision is being invaded by uveitis and i'm seeing spots (and not the cute kind of spots either), but I miss blogging.  I do. Like a lot. I'm sure some of my readers have already given up on me and have flown ship over to Pinterest where you can learn how to make a birdhouse out of toilet paper and twine.  I don't blame them. I can never compete with that.  Ever.

There's not a whole lot to update on my condition.  Still waiting for the dumb doctor's office to call me back with referral info.  I did call them today to find out what the hold up was, only to be told they are still waiting on my insurance company.  I think that say that to everyone who calls no matter what the situation, but whatever.  I'm still freaking exhausted but if I lie down then i'm a useless turd, so I have to stay moving.  And since two toddler boys don't understand what "Mommy needs to rest" means, they are no help.  I could be barfing up blood and they would still be yelling at me to get them a "peanut bunner and jelly sammich" as Peanut calls it.

As if my life isn't crazy and nutty butters enough, i'm officially homeschooling my 5 year old son for Pre-K as he missed the kindergarten cut off this year.  I promise I wont turn this into one of those homeschooling threads even though i'm a little obsessed about all things home school right now.  Feel free to post your favorite home school blogs in the comments.  One thing about homeschooling though is i've learned that I really should've been born an octopus.  I need more arms. And legs.  And just everything.  More sanity.  More junk food so i'm not so grouchy.  More coffee. More diet soda at my disposal.  What the?  Geez, talk about getting sidetracked!  EEEK!  Anyways, today I caught myself leaning over the computer helping my 5 y/o with one of his lessons, and then pulled in the opposite direction by Peanut who was still attached to my boob like a baby alligator. Do you ever have those moments where you're like, "What the hell am I doing?" Yeah, I had one of those.  I'm trying really hard to get Peanut off the boob. If anyone knows how to wean a toddler who is a boob obsessed maniac please let me know.  Other than chopping off my nipples (YEOWTCH), i'm at a loss.  And yeah, in one short post i've already mentioned vagina, dog poop and nipples.  Run to Pinterest people, RUN!

Okay so to avoid mentioning nipples again, i'm going to switch gears to the weather. It is wet, nasty and pouring down rain outside.  Gross.  Yesterday as I was trying to carry Peanut to the van, while trying not to drench the bottoms of my pants, I made the crucial error of squeezing my buttcheeks together in an awkward way (yes, i'm sure this would only happen to yours truly), and felt a rip that went all the way up my hoohaw.  Nothing like pulling your vaginey muscle in your driveway.  So there you have it.  Life at our house is still crazy, i'm still exhaustipated (exhausted and constipated from the pain meds but i'll save that gem for another post) and you're probably wishing you would've made that birdhouse right about now.

Guest Post from A Grace Full Life

Guest Post from A Grace Full Life

By Kari @ http://agracefull-life.blogspot.com/.

Wait!
I didn't know this was a humor blog!!
I mean, I knew my friend here at Peanut Layne was funny.
By the way, I know her real name.
But wasn't sure if I should share it here or if she does.
So she will be "Peanut" for the purposes of this post and the Witness Protection Program that she may or may not be a part of.
Anyway, I am a little nervous with me guest posting at a cool funny blog.
Because my blog, is more about diy, and cheap ways to make your house look, well...less cheap.
So I hope I do "Peanut" proud today.
Because I really like her so I know I would really like all of you as well.
My name is Kari and for the past 2.5 years I have been blogging over at http://agracefull-life.blogspot.com/.
Like I said above, I blog about crafting on the cheap, decorating your house on a budget and just basically getting throughh life in a tough economy.
I met "Peanut" through Twitter this fall and we have become fast friends and now are IRL (in real life) friends by crossing over to the Facebook personal page realm.
There is only one other blogger that I did that for that I hadn't met in real life so that tells ya something.
About my irrational fears.
And my instinct that "Peanut" is one amazing lady.
We have established she is a female on here, right?
Please say I am not giving THAT away.
I am totally in awe of anyone who has more than 2 children.
I have two and it is haaaarrrrd at times.
So I give huge props to her and all you other 3+ kids mommas out there.
Hell, if you have only one, I am in awe.
Mom's rock.
And when I found out "Peanut" was struggling with some health issues, I was more than happy to help out.
Now for the dilemma about what to write about so as not to turn away any of her readers or make them feel like they are getting their money's worth.
Not that you are paying for this post or any other for that matter because I am pretty sure you would ask for a refund after this one.
So I thought I would write about what I know best: being a cheapskate.
And a big part of that is making dinner for my family while trying not to break the bank.
I started a series at my blog called Four Ingredient Recipes about 2 years ago and it has been a huge hit.
Four ingredients.
Thats it.
And usually under 30 minutes prep/cook time.
Here is a recipe I have never shared before.
I found it in a cookbook years ago at a garage sale, of all places.
I can't remember for the life of me what exact book it is from but this is a huge hit in our home.
Asian Beef and Noodles

Ok the only thing that makes this sorta Asian is the Ramen noodles.
I know.
Just go with it.
And I swear its delicious.
1) 1 pound ground beef
2) 2-3 oz. packages ramen noodles, divided
3) 2 C. h2o ( water doesn’t count so there are actually 5 ingredients)
4) 1 package frozen broccoli (it calls for 2 C. but you could use more or less depending on how much you like broccoli)
5) 4-6 green onion, chopped
Brown the beef then remove from the pan with a slotted spoon and place in a bowl. Season the beef with one of the seasoning packets from the Ramen. Set aside. Wipe the drippings from the skillet with a paper towel. In same skillet, combine the broccoli, ramen noodles (broken up) and the remaining seasoning packet. Bring to a boil and reduce heat, Cover and simmer 3 minutes or until noodles and veggies are tender. Return beef to skillet and add green onion. Heat thoroughly and serve immediately.
Thanks so much for humoring me and reading all the way to the end here!
I hope to see "Peanut" back on the blog soon and it was so nice to meet all of you!