Tuesday, February 5, 2013

It's not a hole in one.

This post is graphic and grody and you might want to have a bucket of Clorox nearby to bleach out your corneas after you read it.  So now that you've been warned, if you still think you can handle it, then by all means read away.

Last weekend my IC (interstitial cystitis) was flaring like a mother.  I'm talking bladder and urethra were completely swollen (yes, i'm going to use medical terms here to at least sound intelligent which you will know is total and utter bull crap after you read the rest of my post).   I was having trouble urinating (peeing for those who don't like big words).   I tried an ice pack on my urethra but it didn't help.  Then I got into the bathtub.  By this point it was almost 2 am.  There I was hunched over the tub trying to squeeze out my pee...screw it, I just said pee. I'm going balls to the wall casual from this point out!

I got out of the tub and was still miserable so I pulled out the SpeediCaths that my urologist had given me to use in an emergency.  For those who have normal bladders and don't need a catheter (because unless you're 90, most normal people don't), a SpeediCath is a handy dandy pocket sized catheter that is shaped kind of a like a hard plastic tampon.

See the nice pretty box? Looks fairly harmless, right? 
So I pull and twist, and out pops the long, sharp, pointy, catheter thingy.  I opened the directions since i've never self-cathed myself before and there were like 3-4 steps and they seemed pretty basic.  Basically you pop the catheter into the uretha about 2 cm at a time until you feel some resistance in your b-hole (don't ask why, i'm just simply stating what's on the directions) and out comes the pee. I know you're all crossing your legs right about now and weeping.

After five kids, you would think that I would know my urethra from my vagina, correct?  WRONG. I stuck the catheter (no jammed is more like it) all the way into my vaginey.  Why?  Because i'm a genius, that's why.  No, seriously, I DON'T KNOW WHY I DO THE THINGS I DO!!!!

Not only did I not get out any urine, but when I pulled out the cath, and it was covered in blood.  Eeesh.  I was pretty sure that wasn't supposed to happen.  I started to freak.  I mean it was 2 am so I wrapped a towel around my naked body (I had previously been in the tub, remember?) and I sat my naked hiney on the computer chair (FYI, in case you're ever at my house, don't say I didn't warn you about the chair).   I started Googling like a madwoman about catheter accidents.  However, I couldn't find a single thing!  Why?  Because NO ONE with half a brain sticks a catheter into their vagina, that's why!!!!

So, I went back into the bathroom with tears streaming down my face.  I was convinced I had perforated my uterus and sudden death was imminent.   I sat down on the toilet and tried to pee.  I figured maybe i'd get lucky and dodge a bullet and i'd be able to pee and everything would be fine.  No such luck.  I thought I was peeing, but when I peered into the toilet bowl all I saw was blood.  OH MY GOD, I was dying! DYING!!!!  By this point I was in an all out panic.  I'm stumbling around the dark bedroom (my boys were sleeping in my bed), trying to find undies, socks, pants, etc so I could drive myself to the emergency room.  The hubby was just standing there with this, "I can't believe you really did that" look on his face.  He wasn't able to go with me because the kids were sleeping and to be honest, I don't think he wanted the hospital staff to know he was the husband of the woman who jammed a catheter into the wrong hole.

I got to the hospital and waddled inside.  I don't have a quiet voice. It carries.  I started explaining the story to the receptionist (loudly).  By this point I could feel ALL eyes on me.  People in the waiting room were staring at me and whispering things like, "She stuck a what in her vagina?"   Apparently all you have to do to get speedy service in an ER is tell them you tried to self cath yourself and you're bleeding profusely because I was taken immediately back into an exam room, which pretty much NEVER happens.

Once I was back in the exam room, I had to keep re-telling my story to the many nurses who were coming in and out of my room.   There I was huddled under a thin, papery sheet that was probably peed on by the previous homeless bum who was using the ER to nap in.   Not to mention the beds inside the ER feel like they're constructed out of cardboard.  I'm not sure the ER doc I saw understood the point of my visit as she kept saying, "So you have blood in your urine?"  I tried to explain many times, "No, I don't have blood in my urine because I didn't actually stick the catheter INTO my bladder" but she didn't understand.  Basically all they did in the ER was drain my bladder with a catheter (they got the right hole by the way), and then test my urine for an infection (which was negative of course).   I was never given an exam which kinda sucks because i'm still bleeding and was told to go back in if i'm bleeding 24 hours later.  Part of me is too afraid to go back in.  The other part is too humiliated.  I would love to know what they wrote in my chart.  For example if I do have to return are they going to be huddled in a group whispering, "The moron who stuck a SpeediCath into her vagina is back."



27 comments:

  1. Yikes! Is there another hospital near where you live? Maybe try a different one! That hospital doesn't seem too helpful! I would definitely go somewhere, though. They probably wouldn't have told you to come back if it was important!

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    1. No, we can't go to any other hospital unfortunately :( Plus it would be another $250 co-pay…eeek! But if I have to go back in, i'll go to urgent care or my regular doc, lol!

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  2. Oh! MY! What an adventure in the middle of the night! Don't feel bad about the urethra and vagina distinction. I know what is what but the whole time I was reading your post I kept thinking "how would I 'pop' that tampon look-alike into my urethra, is it possible? I mean it's right there in the vagina area but can't possibly insert anything in it! Can you? What the #@*#@*&????? You seriously got me thinking! I would probably have done the same thing as you! I'm sorry you're going through this, but it shall pass. Don't stop believing that!

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    1. Thank you :) What can I say? I'm a total ding dong! LOL!

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  3. This is horrifying! HORRIFYING! I'm so FREAKING sorry that you have to go through all of this! Sending you a million hugs...well wishes...and much better aim next time ;) XOXO

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  4. OMG! Bless your heart! I could soooo see me doing this someday! I laughed out loud, and felt your panic! Poor thing! If you are still bleeding, yes go back to the doc! If you are still hysterical, write down what happened and where the blood is coming from, and what your afraid of! I suck at on the spot situational interrogations too! Keep us posted!

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    1. Thank you :) I will definitely keep you all updated! Which sounds weird that i'm dating people about my vaginey but my readers probably don't even flinch when I say that, lol!

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    2. Shout out... http://wildwonderfulgingerssnaps.blogspot.com/2013/02/my-brains-rambling-randomness.html Feel better Doll! No flinching here!

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  5. Oh my god ... you POOR thing! What the hell?
    I have no words except I hope you stop bleeding soon.
    And start peeing normally!

    ¤´¨)
    ¸.•*´
    (¸¤ Lanaya | xoxo
    www.raising-reagan.com

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  6. Oh no! This is something I would do. I say leave the cath-ing to the professionals.

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  7. Oh goodness; I'm so sorry you had to go through this. Maybe I should make you one of my medbooks; it's so much easier to just hand it to a doctor and say "Here, YOU figure it out." I hope the bleeding stops soon and the peeing starts.

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  8. okay, I confess that I did not read the whole thing....just the part which involved blood and then I hurriedly scrolled down. I just hope that you're okay now!

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  9. Oh my sweet Lord - OW! I read the first paragraph just when I sat down to lunch and I came back to it just now. ;) Girl, that sounds painful! You poor thing! I will pray for your urethra and to the Vagin Mother for mercy on your Lady parts. Btw...your catheter looks just like an iPhone. Cool.

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  10. Oh PS...Thanks for linking up on my Hop! xx

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  11. Oh dear! You poor thing, thanks for being brave enough to write about it. Hope you're better now. Feel brave enough to get the hand mirror out and have a little look see for the third hole?... Amazing goes on down there :)

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  12. I'm torn between wincing in sympathy and giggling at your explanation of the events. You are a trooper for telling it all in such a humorous way.

    I hope you're able to get these health issues more controlled now that you are closer to knowing the cause.

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  13. It must have been horrible at the time. I admire the way you have made it into such an interesting post. Hope your next week is a good one.

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  14. I'm sitting here clenching in sympathetic pain. You need to contact your local Community College and see if anyone offers a self-catheterizing class. I'm sure it will fill up quickly so call soon.

    Feel better. XO

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  15. So I have some news which may come as a shock to you. YOU are NOT the first person to put the catheter into the vagina! You will NOT be the last! IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME IN HOPSITALS BY NURSES AND DOCTORS! I'm not sure why no one eased your mind about this. I am a nursing student and we were taught catheterization last semester. They taught us that women are WAY harder to catheterize then men, and were told that we would probably go in the Vagina accidentally, and if you do, leave it there, and get a new one (Cath), so you don't miss a second time. It is not uncommon to put it in the vagina and shouldn't cause any problems, just no urine drainage, but I am not sure how the bleeding was caused, unless you bothered the cervix maybe. Anyway we were also taught that the more children a woman has, and the more previous trauma that has occured(usually because of births)around her vagina, the harder it becomes to find the urethra, and get a catheter in. They should have never asked you to do that without a lot of teaching, in person. Sorry you were traumatised, and its not your fault, its theirs!

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  16. I read this with crossed legs and went from laughing to whining and back again, I ended feeling your pain and embarrassment! I hope your all good now!

    www.athomewithconnor.blogspot.

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  17. Ack! I'm so sorry you had to go through this! And what a way to be known :( I'm stopping by from the I Don't Like Mondays blog hop and I really hope the rest of your week was better than this. You poor thing!

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  18. I (very likely) would have done the same thing. I'm sorry that's awful. best wishes for a quick and painless recovery for your body and your ego

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  19. OMG, OMG, OMG! I read this post with my hand clamped over my mouth and my legs crossed. Now I have to pee, and I feel like I'm having contractions. You described this so well. Too well!

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  20. (from what previous person wrote) I read the post with my hand clamped over my vagina! Holy hell! I am so sorry you went thru that. I think we all go thru something really embarrassing like that at least once in our lives. I too had no idea where my pee hole was from my vagina until becoming pregnant and I was reading books about it. But seriously, are you ok? Have you stopped bleeding? I certainly hope so. I would call your gyno and tell them the story. Yes more humiliation, but if there is any damage to your cervix or uterus, a gyno should know. Good luck and I hope by now you've been able to pee normally, sounds very very painful on both accounts.

    Heather from Mommy Only Has 2 Hands

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