Move Bi#$h Get Out the Way!

Just a PSA for those who have road rage….if you are going to yell and make an obscene hand gesture at the car in front of you, please make sure they aren't your neighbor….whoops!

I was driving behind Miss Daisy apparently and they were driving soooooo slow that I began to lose my patience.   I was only a few blocks away from my turn off so I was like, "Move it a@@hole" and held up one of my favorite hand gestures to make my point.

Right before I get ready to turn, I realize they put their blinker on and get in the same turning lane.  Oh crap!   Yep, they turned down my street and arrived at a house just a few houses down (hanging head in shame).   Of course I had to circle around my block a couple of times, but i'm sure they know it was me as we are the only house on our street with a minivan (the only house with kids for that matter so I might as well have put a big old freaking target on my head).  Now i'm a little paranoid of retaliation.  Hopefully they aren't deranged serial killers that kill people and bury the bodies in their backyard (if I disappear then you know why).

So, make sure that when you do display an obscene hand gesture that they are not your neighbor, and make a note of your neighbor's vehicles so this doesn't happen to you.   Lesson learned.

Reusable Toilet Paper

Last night I was awake all night with a horrible case of insomnia.  After holding in a full bladder for what felt like an eternity (and to top it off I have a chronic, painful bladder condition called Interstitial Cystitis that makes holding in your urine difficult...not that you really wanted to know that, lol), I carefully snuck out of bed by strategically crawling over 3 small children without waking them up.   If you've ever co-slept before then you know that crawling over sleeping children is like trying to climb over sleeping bears in a cave.  YOU NEVER EVER WAKE THE BEARS!!!!!

After barely managing to climb over the kids without peeing on them, I sat down on the toilet to pee only to my horror to realize we were totally out of toilet paper and there were no napkins in sight.  WTF?  Who in the hell takes the last bit of toilet paper and doesn't replace it?  It turns out we were out of extra rolls of toilet paper, but geez at least leave a girl some napkins or something!  That's like leaving a big old nasty turd in the toilet without flushing it!   

I frantically scanned the bathroom for something to wipe my lady parts with (personally we use the word cooch in our house but I was trying to tone it down a little.  I just failed).   Hmmm, I thought. It looks like my first choice is Clorox Toilet Wand Refills.  Second choice my nice, plushy hand towel hanging on the rack.  I went with choice number 2….duh, did you really think I was going to use a Clorox Toilet Wand Refill on my privates?!    It turns out that towels make a fabulous alternative for toilet paper.  They are soft, comfy and extremely absorbent.    Just an FYI in case you find yourself in a similar situation, or you decide to cut back on your budget and want to save some money.  No judgement from me! 

After cleaning myself up my next thought was, "I should totally hang this towel back up on the rack.  That'll teach those a@@holes to use the last bit of toilet paper", but then my second thought was, "Yeah but J uses those hand towels in the morning to wash his face before work.  He'd be PISSED…literally, LMAO!!!!! ".   Yeah a little too messed up and gross, even for us.   So, I took the hand towel to the dirty laundry and went about my day.  My husband is lucky that I love him, and that he didn't piss me off the day before :)

Age Wars

While spending some time with my kids at the McDonald's PlayLand the other day I was playing on my iphone and quietly observing some of the kids interacting with each other.

Bo's & M were trying to play in the basketball area with the bigger kids.

This is how the conversation went down…..

Older kid: "How old are you?"

Bo's: "I'm 7"

Older kid to his sister:  "Hahaha she's only 7.  Isn't that funny?  Yeah, she's only 7.  I'm 10"

Bo's:  "So what?"

Older kid's sister:  Yeah I can't believe she's only 7.  I'm 9 and my little sister is 8 (meanwhile i'm quietly thinking her mom is a big old slut)

Older kid:  "Yeah you're only 7 and your brother is only 4…hahaha"

Bo's attempt at a comeback: "Oh yeah well my other brother is 2" pointing at Peanut (I don't think she quite got the concept that she was supposed to come back with a bigger number, not smaller, lol)

More pointless, childish banter occurs between older kids and mine.

Bo's & M eventually get tired of it and leave to go play on the slides

Me: Still sitting at the table, sipping my Diet Coke and trying very hard to stay out of the conversation.

I have a strict philosophy that if my kids aren't in trouble, then I let them pick their own battles.  They seemed to be doing a pretty good job of holding their own and no one was being hurt, so there was really no reason for me to get involved.

However, I started thinking about how hilarious it is that kids are SO obsessed with age.  It's ALL about the numbers.  I remember getting into similar arguments with other kids about age and it didn't matter if you were one week (or even 2 days older), EVERY SINGLE MINUTE counted, lol!   If you were 10 minutes older, then you were the king (or queen) or both if that's what you're into.  Moving on…..

I then began to wonder what would happen if grown adults started to argue over age?   Here's the scenario that plays out in my head:

The scene is set at a local grocery store…..I'm going to go with Winco because it's ghetto fabulous and I could see some fists being thrown (at least I could at our local Winco but perhaps you live in a nicer neighborhood than we do).

Me:  Tap, tap, tap on the guy's shoulder standing in front of me

Him: Yes (looking both annoyed and offended that I dared to tap on his shoulder)

Me:  How old are you?

Him:  25 (in a confused, WTF do you want to know kind of tone)

Me:  You're only 25?  Hahaha, that's funny!  Well I'M 35!!!!!

Him:  Oooookay, that's nice (as he turns back around thinking i'm completely mental and forgot to take my meds today).

Me:  Well I should get to cut in front of you because i'm older.   I'm 35….YOU'RE only 25.

Him: Uh, not a chance lady

Me turning to people behind me:   Hey, can you believe this guy.  He's only 25?  

People behind me stand in stunned and awkward silence, not quite sure what to say to me and again thinking i'm completely 100% off my rocker.

You see no matter how many times I play out this type of scenario in my head, I just can't find a single one that would make being older sound so cool, lol!!!!!  No one is going to let you cut in line.  No one is going to give you any special privileges.   What would we argue about?    How many age spots we have?  How many extra pounds we've put on over the years?  How many wrinkles?  What marriage we're on?  It's a sad reality but the older we get, the less cool it is to gain another year. Don't get me wrong, getting older isn't ALL bad and there are some perks.  For example, I can eat an entire jumbo sized box of Junior Mints at 2 am if I want, while jugging a diet soda in my other hand, and watching TV all at the same time!   Of course the next day that's followed up by tooth decay, a stomach ache, my pants won't button and I look like someone hit me upside the head with an ugly stick for not getting enough sleep, but you get my point :)  What I mean is that I certainly never hear any adults "bragging" about their age unless of course they are 18 or 21 and completely thrilled to finally be legal, but then again I still think of them as kids so they don't count.

With age comes adult responsibility and that's just not as fun as it sounds when you're 9.     So the next time i'm at the playground and I hear the familiar sounds of childish "age wars" going on,  I will smile and think, "These poor kids have no clue what they're in for".   

Desperation at it's finest!

This is what desperation looks like when you REALLY want a Junior Mint but it's 102 degrees outside and you don't have AC.   My poor Junior Mints didn't stand a chance, and i'm a dummy for not putting them in the fridge and instead trying to hide them from my kids in my sock drawer….OOOPS!    So there I was at midnight frantically tearing up the box in hopes that I could scrape the last melted clump of mints off the bottom of the box, lol!    If anyone knows of a 12 step program on how to detox yourself from Junior Mints PLEASE let me know.   Signed, a desperate mint lover…..

Creatively Challenged Moms Unite!

I suck at all things in the artistic or creative category.  I can write okay, but i'm not great.  I can follow a recipe, but I wouldn't say i'm a cook or a baker.  I can't draw, can't sing, can't play a musical instrument, didn't excel at any particular sport, can't even really color inside the lines (my kids kick my a@@ in this department), etc.

My mom died from a long battle with cancer when I was only 18.  The one thing I remember most about my mom is that she is one of those brilliant, creative, talented supermoms and I know I will never live up to her legacy.  She could make something magical out of the cardboard toilet paper roll thingy.  Me?  I just toss them in the recycling bin and never look back, lol!   She easily would've given Martha Stewart a run for her money!    My mom died in the 90's shortly before the internet exploded.  I have no doubt that she probably would've had her own crafty blog by now, teaching ordinary moms how to make extraordinary things.

She made all of my Halloween costumes by hand, and they were awesome!  Several months before Halloween, she would take me to the fabric store and we would pick out patterns and she would sew something adorable, creative, and one of a kind.  No other child ever had the same costume as me, as my mom would add her own personal touch to it.   My kids?  They get whatever is left over at Target, lol!   I'm ashamed to admit that I don't even own a sewing machine.  Nor, would I even know what to do with a sewing machine, lol!    My mom was a decorating maniac.  It would take her days to fully decorate the house for Christmas.  It was a multi-day process, lol!   She decorated every room of the house, even the bathrooms (heck, even our toilets were decked out in holiday magic, LMAO).    

Finding the perfect Christmas tree was straight out of the Berenstain Bears Christmas Tree book.   We searched high and low for that freaking tree.   We didn't just go to your local tree stand.  Oh heck no.  We had to put on full rain or snow gear and trek deep into the woods.   My mom would pace up and down the aisles for hours (yes, hours) and carefully screen each part of the tree.  My poor dad never had a say in anything, lol!  He was just a poor schmuck like the rest of us, who had two choices… shut up and keep trekking through those woods, lol!  It was a running joke in our family that after hours of searching every tree in the tree farm, we would almost always end up with one of the first trees that she looked at, lol!   She was just a perfectionist to the highest degree.  I'm assuming this is a common personality trait of the Martha Stewart types that I just do not possess.  I'm lazy, impatient and sloppy (hey i'm still talking arts & crafts here people).  

My birthday invitations were typically homemade and my birthday parties were amazing.   One year we had a Double Dare party (yes i'm showing my age here, lol).   She transformed the entire backyard into the most kick butt obstacle course, complete with huge tubs full of jello (and she even had the hand sewn flags that you had to dig out).  I wish I had a picture to share, but unfortunately all of my old family photos are still at my dad's (really need to go get those).  Anyways,  the list of fabulous parties she created were endless and they all had a unique theme.  Yes, folks add amazing party planner to her already long list of talents.   Yeah, she was THAT kind of mom….and I loved it :(    

Recently I decided I was going to try to learn something creative.  Perhaps I was inspired by Tori Spelling's Craft Wars (actually I really hate that show), or perhaps it's just my guilty conscience that i'm not living up to my mom's legacy…who really knows, but I got a crafting bug stuck up my butt.   I started thinking about the 3 upcoming birthdays my kids are having.    I know I thought….I can make their birthday cakes….from scratch!!!!!   I dove in head first and started searching the cake decorating blogs, You Tube tutorials, etc and started reading about all things cake making from supplies I would need, recipes, fondant, etc.   But, after the second or third tutorial, I found myself so completely bored that I seriously wanted to claw out my own eyeballs.   Hmmm, perhaps cake making isn't for me, lol!    I know I thought!   I could make a Turbo Man costume for M (he's obsessed with the 1996 Jingle All the Way movie….don't ask).   However, I was quickly reminded that I don't have a sewing machine and it was quite obvious that I would be in way over my head.   Scratch homemade costume off the list.   It looks like he will be Jake from Jake and the Neverland Pirates.  Thank goodness for Disney and Target for pre-made costumes, lol!   They should call the Target costume aisle, "Costume Center for Creatively Challenged Moms".

Desperate to do something to fill my creatively challenged void, I cautiously opened up Photoshop.    Come hell or high water, I was going to create something damn it!  I decided to make M a Turbo Man design that we can turn into a JPEG (much more up my alley), and then I can print it out on edible paper, buy a PRE-MADE sheet cake, that already has the sides decorated, and voila!   A custom cake, sort of made by mom, even if it's done via the computer, lol!

So, here's my half assed attempt to make something creative

*Disclaimer: I didn't make the actual turbo man graphic  (found it via google images)

If you are the artist who made this please let me know and I will be happy to give you full credit because you rock and can do stuff I obviously can't. 

And yes, my fellow blog readers who are reading this right now, I know it's not perfect, and i'm sure you could probably make it a million times better so please don't bother sending me in your brilliant masterpieces, lol!   But at least I tried and my son is thrilled with it and really that's what counts.   Of course now all of my kids are asking me to make them a homemade, edible cake topper, lol!   

Top Mommy Blogs

Some of you may have noticed the Top Mommy Blog badge on my blog.  I was thrilled to discover that Life on Peanut Layne was accepted and added to this top mommy blog directory!

If you wouldn't mind, I would love it if you would please vote for my blog when you visit.  My goal is to make it into the top 200 featured blogs, but I need more votes to do that.  All you have to do is click on the brown pic of the juggling mom to your right and that's it!  You do not have to fill anything out, or sign up for anything.  Just a simple click of the pic and you're all done!

Thank you so much to all of my followers for your support!

Why I think laundry hampers were probably not invented by a man

I love my husband dearly, but I will never understand why he puts his dirty pants on top of the laundry hamper instead of just lifting the lid and throwing them in?   Also, notice where his dirty socks are in proximity to the designated laundry receptacle, lol!   Yep, those are his black socks on the floor, conveniently located NEXT to the hamper, lol!

I know I know, there are much bigger things to worry about, but it seriously drives me batty!  I'm constantly having to ask him "Are these clean or dirty?"  What really kills me is when he replies back all snippy and will say, "Clean" or "Dirty" with that duh tone in his voice, as if i'm supposed to know that a perfectly folded up pair of pants is clean or dirty (and no i'm not going to smell them, lol).

When i'm not able to ask him the status on something and I take a gamble and toss something in the washing machine (thinking it's dirty because it's sitting ON the dirty laundry hamper), then I get, "Where did you put my jeans?  I can't find my jeans!!! Someone took my jeans".    When I reply back with, "I washed them so they are in the machine" I get, "Why did you do that?  Those were clean!!!"

Is my husband the only one who does this?  Please tell me i'm not alone here ladies!