Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Ode to my firstborn

My first born child turned 16 today and it's really freaking me out. I wasn't much older than he is right now when I had him.  Yes, my secret it out. I was a teen mom. Before being a teen mom was trendy or cool.  Before teen moms were given obscene amounts of money to deliver babies on TV in front of millions of strangers. Before teen moms were making the duck face with their rhinestone studded cell phone cameras (okay, so we did have cell phones back then, but they were shaped like a brick and weighed more than a newborn baby).  Before teen moms named their babies after inanimate objects or cars, like "Bentley." Eeesh.

It's hard to believe it's only been 16 years.  It feels like a million years ago.  As a seasoned mother of five now, I can't help but laugh over how naive I was.  I mean who seriously packs a pair of size 3 jeans to wear home from the hospital, even though they've gained 70 lbs of pregnancy weight?  I probably don't even need to tell you how that ended. Lots of hysterical sobs as I realized I couldn't even get my jeans pulled up past my mammoth sized cankles.

Being a teen mom was so incredibly difficult.  My mom tragically passed away from cancer a week before I found out I was pregnant, so my dad suddenly became my main support system.  You would think since he had raised three children of his own, he would be an experienced role model, but instead my dad acted as if he had never laid eyes on a small child before.  I'm pretty sure a big hairy gorilla probably could've given me better pointers on parenting than my dear old dad. Don't get me wrong, I love my dad and i'm incredibly grateful for his love and support, but I have to seriously wonder if he spent the majority of my childhood blindfolded with ear plugs?  For example, all grandpa's dial 911 when their grandson gets their first case of the hiccups, right? I wish I was joking, but the phone call went something like this:

911 lady: What's your emergency?

My dad: My grandson's making this weird noise.  It sounds kinda like the hiccups. 

911 lady: Sir, does your grandson have the hiccups? 

My dad: Yes, I think so. What do I do?  

911 lady: Hang up the phone, wait for the hiccups to pass and please don't call us again.  

I learned more in that first few years of motherhood, than I did in my first 18 years of life.  Glade Plug In's are surprisingly non toxic and safe to consume. Who knew?  Kids always get sick in the middle of the night. It's true. And sleep is a luxury that is something you do before you have kids and then never again until after you die. 

This brings me to another parenting lesson.  Your kid will do something in his or her lifetime to embarrass you.  They will. 

One day I took my son to urgent care.  I don't remember why we were there.  Perhaps he had stuck a Lego in his ear and it got wedged too far to pry it out with tweezers?  Maybe he had gotten into my dad's Old Spice again and eaten a good sized chunk (yes, this really happened once)? Or maybe he had a slight cough and me being a first time mom totally panicked?  Yeah, that last one was probably the case.  As we were sitting in the waiting room, I noticed an older lady dressed up in nice clothing sitting a few seats away.  She didn't seem very interested in my son who was being adorably cute and trying desperately to get her attention.  Seriously, how dare she?!  In his final attempt to get noticed, he walked right up to her and with a strong southern accent straight out of Duck Dynasty said to this lady (you have to use a southern accent when you read this next line to get the full effect), "Guess what?  My graaaandpa's my daaaad".  I seriously died right there in my chair.  I squirmed in my seat as if I had a scorching case of hemorrhoids.  It was obvious by the horrified look on this lady's face, she wasn't amused.  I quickly stammered and tried to explain that my dad pretty much raised him so he was like a father figure to my son. Yeah, she didn't care.  She got up and moved across the waiting room as if someone had lit a match and the wooden stick up her ass had caught on fire. 

I wish I could say that incident was the one and only time he embarrassed me, but it wasn't long before he struck again. In Kindergarten I had to walk into the school to pick him up one day (he usually rode the bus to his daycare provider's house).  I found my son standing next to one of the school security guards and when I walked over to him she said, "T, is this your mom?"  To which he replied with a perfectly straight face, "No, maam. I've never seen this lady before in my life."  I can laugh about it now, but it definitely wasn't funny as I was digging through my rabbit hat of a purse to find my ID while pleading with the security guard not to call the police.

I don't want to make it seem like motherhood is all negative because it's not at all.  Motherhood is amazing (sometimes) and sometimes it's not (i'm being brutally honest here people).  It's the only thing that makes me laugh, cry, scream and smile every single day.  I know some of my friends are looking forward to the day when their child grows up and leaves the nest.  I dread it.  I'm considering putting an electric fence around the house so they can't leave me.  I'm kidding!  Sort of. Soon my son will be learning to drive an automobile that doesn't have the words "Power Wheels" plastered to the side.  I can't even imagine it.  The thought of my baby boy driving a car is enough to send me running to the kitchen for a brown paper bag (to vomit in of course. Screw the deep cleansing breaths!)  Soon he'll probably be bringing home dates that i'd like to smack upside the head with a smelly old salmon.  Soon he'll be all grown up. 

So here's to all of the first borns out there. The ones who gave us a crash course into motherhood.  The ones who have broken us in. The ones who made us who we are today…kick ass moms! 


  1. Congratulations and happy Birth Day to YOU mamacita! You are one heck of a kick ass mom - even if your offspring pretend not to know you when you go to pick them up from kindergarten... xo

  2. Happy Birthday to the handsome young man who did you the favor of making you a Mom (and probably sucked a few years off of your life span in the process)!

  3. Aww, this is such a wonderful post to your boy! 16, man, I can't even imagine.

    And congrats to you, you survived 16 years of motherhood!

  4. I. DIED at the ' "Guess what? My graaaandpa's my daaaad".' part!!! Haha, I can totally picture it!!!

    Happy birthday to your not-so-little boy!!

  5. Happy Birthday to your handsome boy who gave you a crash course right into motherhood. I loved this story. You are one tough mama and you should be super proud (even if his grandfather is his father. ;) too funny!

  6. Happy Birthday to your handsome boy who gave you a crash course right into motherhood! I loved this story. You are one awesome mama...even if his grandfather is his father...too funny! ;)

  7. Gratz on a fabulous milestone! One day he'll appreciate you posting a picture of him in that *ahem* lovely Gymboree outfit. :) Happy Birth Day, indeed!

  8. Happy birthday to your sweetie!

  9. Oh wow ... what a cool story! I love that you packed size 3 jeans for the hospital. I am SO sorry about the tragic loss of your mom right before. That would have devastated me.
    Happy 16th! That's a big one!

    Loves girl!!

    (¸¤ Lanaya | xoxo

  10. aww what a cute story! happy bday to your son

  11. Congratulations on bringing up a good boy. wow 16 years of motherhood, lots of experience you have gained. :) I'm a mother of a boy that will be turning 1 year old this April :) ♥

  12. Oh my gosh - look at you all 90s fabulous! Happy birthday to your son and despite his shortcomings in the newborn help department, what an amazing dad you had! Hiccups or no.

  13. My oldest is 14, and I'm feeling the same way! the thought of her leaving for college sends me into panic!


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