Thursday, March 21, 2013

Why i'll never be thin again

Let's face it! Nobody likes the obnoxious chick who constantly whines about how fat she is. I get it, I really do.  There have been people in my life who have complained about their weight over and over and I want to kick them in the taco *Cough* My 85 lb mother in law who tries to play the i'm fat routine so you will compliment her.  But, i'm going to be that chick today who complains because i'm frustrated and depressed about my weight and I either write about it here, or I go polish off the rest of that chocolate birthday cake that's sitting on my kitchen counter.

Last night before my ritual evening bath, I made the crucial error of stepping on the scale. I was naked so I guess I naively figured that the gigantic plateful of Chinese food I had for dinner, or the large mocha and two (okay 3) pieces of chocolate cake I had wolfed down after dinner wouldn't be noticeable. I was wrong.  I looked at the number, gasped, and jumped off before it could climb any higher.  Then I heffered myself into the tub, curled up into a ball and bawled my eyes out.

My hubby came in to see what the problem was.  He's your typical "Quick fixer" kind of guy. I love him, but he always has to fix everything.  Sometimes there are things that just don't have a quick fix. Sometimes I just need to cry.  Sometimes I just need to pout. Sometimes I just need to be angry. Sometimes I just want to be left the hell alone!

This is the conversation that took place:

J: What's wrong?

Me: No answer.

J: Babe! What's wrong? Did you cut yourself shaving?

Me: Shook my head no as I was thinking, "Shaving? Does he really think I do this? Can he not see my scary white tree stump legs with black hair on display under the fluorescent lighting?

J: Did you get soap in your eye?

Me: Shook head no again as I was too upset to speak.

J: Well then WHY are you crying?  WHAT is wrong? WHY wont you talk?

Me: I'm…..i'm…..i'm faaaaaaat (as my voice quivered and shook)

J: Eye roll.  Babe you're not fat. You just haven't been eating very good lately.

Me: That's a polite way of telling someone they're fat.

J: No it's not. We both could probably stand to lose a few pounds. I'll do it with you.  We'll get in shape together.

Me: Seriously thinking of getting out of my warm tub to punch him square in the jaw as my husband has never had a weight problem in his entire life.  Nor has he had 5 babies or gotten a Depo shot that suddenly made him balloon up and gain 30 lbs in less than 3 months.

After my bath I tried to calm myself down, but I was still feeling sad, hopeless, and defeated.  I know you're reading this right now and waiting for the big inspirational, motivational, turnaround. You want to hear that I had this magical, lightbulb up my ass moment and realized that it's not about the number on the scale but what's on the inside that counts.  Fuck that shit!

This is what my dear old supportive, "We're going to do this together" husband brought back from the grocery store after my hysterical bath tub breakdown. You be the judge of his sincerity. Mmmm hmmm. I'm waiting…...
Okay so the chocolate cake we already had because it was my son's 16th birthday, but he just HAD to bring home a brownie and a box of giant blueberry muffins! What the hell?  Does he think blueberry muffins are healthy because they have freaking blueberries in them? Seriously? So guess who's been stuffing themselves silly all morning.  See the finger marks on the chocolate cake where the big frosting blops used to be?  Yep, all me.  ALL me, bitches.  Cause i'm a fatty boobatty and apparently stayin that way.  Oh and just for shits and giggles, I woke up with a heinous red, puffy, rash on my face above my upper lip. You know the kind of rash where people look at you with disgust and think, "Who in the hell has she been sucking face with lately?" Yeah.  Thank you autoimmune disorder for choosing this day to flare up.  I appreciate you making me feel like a fat AND ugly troll.

So for those of you who really do need to lose some weight or really are fatty boobatties like myself and seriously lack the motivation to actually lose the weight (and don't want to hear any inspirational, rainbows up your butt, mumbo jumbo or snarky judgment about how you just need to eat better and exercise and the weight will just melt right off), this post is dedicated to you! Let's whine together in the safety of our own kitchens, while stuffing our faces with chocolate cake and muffins.

And if you need more bathroom talk, don't forget to buy your copy of I Just Want to Pee Alone today!


  1. Ok, this might be my all time most favorite EVER post, nope! Scratch that! It IS my all time most favorite post ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    "Magical light bulb up my ass moment" I'm crying laughing over here! Fatty Boobatty! There is a chapter in my book about husbands who just wanna fix the problem and be done with it, when we just wanna bitch, moan and gripe! But I have to say, trying to fix a fatty boobatty problem with muffins and brownies takes it to another whole level! Simply Hilarious! Thank you for writing this post! I am in love!!! :)

  2. Love this, is so true.

  3. Fatty here! I should care that 14 months after birth all I can fit in is maternity pants. I should care that my two pair of maternity pants are getting dangerously thin so I am going to have to take my NON-pregnant self to either a place where I have to buy jeans two sizes bigger than I used to wear or a maternity store so I don't have to face big-ass jeans. I should- but instead I am having my mocha iced coffee with chocolate chip ice cream.

  4. I love this! My hubby knows not to even talk to me when I'm feeling fat lol

  5. OMG, I'm crying. Mostly tears of laughter but a few of the others too. If you can't fix your wife who thinks she's fat, bring her muffins and a brownie. Exactly what a man would do.

    Funny, I have a chocolate cake sitting in my fridge. Actually I have two, but I need more chocolate than you. Your oldest turned 16, but my BABY just had a birthday and it's making me feel about 90. I may need some ice cream to go with those 2 cakes. If I get naked before I weigh myself I'm sure it won't show.

  6. Read this post while on the treadmill, but didn't have time to comment then, because I only had 11 more minutes before I had to get off. That would leave me 10 minutes to go upstairs and eat the last of the whoopie pies before the boys got off the bus. Note, I had only been on the treadmill for 4 minutes at the time. One step forward, eleven pounds back. Fatty McButterpants, signing off.

  7. I am right there with you! That is exactly how I feel atm, and I hate It!

  8. First of all, aging blows hairy donkey balls. Secondly, this time of year is horrible for our bodies, thus our egos. We've all been busy eating for extra insulation and covering our lumpy so-white-it-is-mint-green flesh in multiple layers of warm clothing for 5 months. Lastly, read Brittany Gibbons piece in the Huffington Post. Go now. Do it.

    And remember, you gotta purty face.

    (I just like to speak in Deliverance whenever possible because there's something wrong with me)

  9. I have lots of really logical plans for losing weight, like "I'll just skip dinner (chicken, salad, broccoli) and only eat this bowl of cookie dough, that'll help"...

  10. I'm DYING!!! You know i so get it - going through one of the WORST years of weight gain of my life...and i don't feel inspired or motivated to do anything about it, but i still hate myself! If i could just not hate myself and go with it for now, that would be great. You are not an ulgy troll you are a gorgeous woman and amazing Mommy!!! I swear eating is my excercise right now. I get out of breath and sweat, so it has to be as good as Crap.

  11. Best post I have read in ages! Love it and totally in the same boat! Hubby loves to go to the gym while I stay home and take care of the baby and eat!!

  12. I've been there (and am currently there)however I'm working on it. The weight will come off in time if we work at it. We didn't gain it over night nor will we lose it overnight. It's a process.
    Jae Mac, I'm Just Sayin'...(Damn!)

  13. I love this! I need to lose about 50 pounds and instead tonight gorged on pizza and dessert (chocolate explosion) at our favorite greek restaurant. I hate the way i look but hate missing chocolate!!! Lol

  14. Great post! I just had a cry session with 5 of my girlfriends about the same thing. We all were complaining that this winter has been an all on eat and drinkathon & we need to get off the ride and start running or something. We then proceeded to eat cheese and crackers while throwing back a glass (4 bottles) of wine and our crying turned into laughing. I'm going to share this post with all of them. :)

  15. I laughed out loud when I read that he asked if you cut your legs shaving. I don't know you, as I just stopped by from Kelley's Breakroom, but do any of actually cry when we cut ourselves shaving, if we have shaved at all. No. Do our husbands think we do? I guess so.

    I agree his blueberry muffin support is lacking! ;)

  16. I've been on every diet know to man. Not even kidding. I lost over 40 pounds 2 years ago. I found them all eventually and I'm right back where I was. But at least I'm not cranky because I'm freaking STARVING to death. ;-) P.S. My 4 yo was trying to point someone out in the store last night. I said, "Which one?" She replied, "The flat one." Not the FAT one, she said FLAT. As in this girls was flat as a board and skin/bones. I don't ever want to be flat.

  17. Husbands are awesome!
    Thanks for hooking up to the HUmp Day Hook Up.


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