Sending Your Husband To the Grocery Store

It's difficult for me to understand how a man that can shoot, direct, and edit an entire slew of commercials for television cannot navigate the aisles of a grocery store.

If you read yesterday's post then you know that I had a little mishap and was unable to grocery shop.   My husband sent me a text from work saying, "Send me a grocery list and i'll do the shopping".   I immediately knew the events that were going to unfold because every single time he goes grocery shopping, I always get a bunch of irritated phone calls or texts asking me where things are and bitching that my list "makes absolutely no sense" to him.

Now I should add that I could not possibly make things any easier for him.  I send him a list that is organized by aisles as I know where every single item in that store is (it's pretty much my second home).  

Not even 5 minutes into his shopping I get a text from J.

J: "What in the hell is tortellini?"

Me: "The frozen pasta with cheese in it".  

Not even 30 seconds later I get a phone call….

J: "It's not here.  They don't have it".

Me, "Yes, they do.  Look in the center aisles of the frozen section".

J: "Nope, they don't have it".

Me: "Yes they do"

J: "No they don't.  Are you sure it's called tortellini?  I don't think you even know what you are talking about".

Me:  Sigh. Eyeroll.  "Okay well just forget it.  I'll get it tomorrow."

J: Sounding extremely irritated and disgruntled by this point,  "Here it is.  It's next to the ravioli.  You didn't say it was next to the ravioli"

Me:  "Well actually I did as the ravioli is in the center aisle"

J: Grumble, grumble, "Fine.  I gotta go.  Oh and I love you".

Of course there were a few follow up phone calls and texts that went pretty much the same as the tortellini conversation, but that was to be expected, lol!  Other than that, he did pretty good.  He did buy 2 bags of hot dog buns and only one package of hot dogs which was kind of weird.  I'm not sure why we needed a bag of back up buns?   Oh and our freezer is now completely stocked with a variety of frozen pizzas, lol!

The last time my husband did the grocery shopping (I was on my death bed with the flu), he bought nothing but meat.  For example for tacos he brought home a pound of meat and tortilla shells.  That's it.  No lettuce, tomatoes, taco sauce, etc.   So I suppose this trip was a bit of an improvement.

So you think you had a bad day?

This post may make some people uncomfortable (unless you have children).  If you have children then you are completely immune to any and all things uncomfortable.

My boys have had a mild stomach bug this past week (diarrhea, stomach cramps, but no barfing).   I foolishly thought I was not going to catch said stomach bug but I was wrong.  Dead wrong! 

Last night after dinner I started to get that icky feeling in my stomach.   I was already dealing with a terrible IC flare (will post about that later), so I was lying on the couch with an ice pack between my legs trying to de-swell my private parts (so incredibly sexy by the way) when my husband leans over and says, "So are you ready to have sex now?"   Of course I gave him the "I'm going to kill you in your sleep" look and then we both cracked up.  Yes, even with a chronic, painful health condition, we can somehow find the humor in it.  I went to bed a few minutes later and was hoping when I woke up that my stomach would feel better.   However, when I woke up this morning my intestines felt like they were twisted like a pretzel.   I spent about 2 hours this morning with non stop diarrhea cramps, but without any actual diarrhea.   After a good hour of not having any stomach cramps, I decided to head out to the grocery store as Mondays are typically my shopping day.    

My first stop was McD's for a soda and a McChicken sandwich (brilliant idea when you have a stomach bug).    However, I didn't even make it to the order box before the gut wrenching stomach cramps hit.  Considering I was completely sandwiched in the line between two cars I had no choice but to remain in the drive thru. I held my breath and tried to breathe through the pain.   I managed to squeak out my quick order and make it through the drive thru line.   A smart person would've just headed back home, but I decided to head to the grocery store.   I sat in my van in the parking lot of the grocery store eating my chicken sandwich when all of a sudden it hit me like a freight train!   That horrible, terrible, awkward moment where you try to hold it in with all of your might, but you just have no control.   

I pooped my pants.  

Mortified and stunned I drove the couple of blocks home which felt like an eternity.  I got out of the car and waddled into the house (I really hope my neighbors don't have a hidden camera pointed at our house).  My teens were immediately like, "So what did you get us to eat?"   I breezed right by them and was like, "Everybody out of my way.  I had an accident".   So of course the little kids start saying, "Accident!  Mommy got into an accident?  Are you okay mom?"   It didn't take them long to realize what kind of accident I had as they peered out the window and saw our minivan completely unharmed.  Next I hear my 7 year old daughter laughing and saying, "Mommy peed her pants.  No wait, I think she pooped her pants".  Nice.  Did I laugh at them when they used to poop in their diapers all the time?  Nope.  

I took a nice warm bath, put on my PJ's and sent my husband a text that said, "Grocery shopping is on you tonight" which probably means we'll be dining on Kraft mac n cheese, along with some white rice covered in teriyaki sauce.  

So whenever you think you had a bad day, just remember it could be much, much worse.  You could've pooped your pants, while on your way to the grocery store all while wearing your favorite underwear.  True story. 

Look Out Project Runway! There's a new fashion designer in town!

*Editing to add: My teens recently brought it to my attention that their tanks say, "Open Late".  That one flew right over my head when I original posted this, lol!  Hey, it's Taco Bell, people!  I was certainly not trying to pimp out my kids!  Dirty, dirty minds!

My 7 year old daughter "Bo's" wants to be a fashion designer when she grows up.   I think she's pretty darn creative.  She's always been quirky and a little on the artsy side.  She likes to dress herself in some pretty unique combinations.   She brought me some sketches the other day that she drew and created completely on her own and I was a little surprised at how well she designs for such a young child.

Bo's "collection" Age 7

Yesterday I was woken up by two cute little kids standing by my bed.   Bo's said, "Mom look at these bathing suits I made for us".   As exhausted as I was, I immediately started to giggle and I just had to drag my tired butt out of bed to take some pics.  Our room is really dark and it was super overcast yesterday so excuse the bad pics.

Bo's is modeling a 2 piece "tankini" made entirely out of hand towels, and held together by potato chip bag clips.  She has a "Jessie" hat on her head from her Toy Story doll.   M (age 4) is modeling a swimsuit made out of bubble wrap.  You can see his superhero underwear shining through.   Hilarious! 

As if things can't possibly get any cuter, later in the afternoon Bo's decided to make some additional outfits made entirely out of Taco Bell bags.  She made a tank top for herself, and an open vest for M.

She told me this morning, "Mom, wearing my Taco Bell clothes makes me happy and i'm going to be a fashion designer when I grow up".   Project Runway contestants look out!  There's a new fashion diva in town!!! 

My poop sandwich nominees

I know I didn't blog yesterday and I apologize as I do like to post something new everyday.  I seriously considered posting this last night, but it probably would've sounded like a bunch of screechy, ranty, I think this chick forgot her meds kind of a post so I decided to sleep on it.  Wise decision considering i've already deleted many things that were originally on the list, lol!

Yesterday was one of those blah days where things just didn't seem to go right.  Nothing really major happened, and things could've definitely gone much worse (for example I could've gotten in a car accident and ended up in the hospital wearing dirty underpants and sporting hairy, unshaven, Chia Pet legs).   As a stay at home mom to 5 kids, my patience is already tested on a regular basis so when i'm out in public rude, stupid and douchenozzely people just get under my skin and I find myself wanting to tell them to go eat a big old poopy covered sandwich.

So here it is….my list of nominees from yesterday who all deserve a poop sandwich: 

*People who come to a complete stop before turning.   It is possible to drive AND turn at the same time! 

*People who cut me off and then drive like a slug.  If you're in such a freaking hurry to pass me, then why are you suddenly driving 5 mph as soon as you pass? Are you trying to get me to go all "Towanda" on your ass? 

*Ex's who are thousands of dollars behind in child support.  

*Ex's who are thousands of dollars behind in child support and parade their new 19 year old girlfriend around your teenage kids.  Gross.

*The Kardashians.  Ok, so maybe I didn't run into them yesterday, but I still stand by my nomination.

*Insurance companies.

*Pharmacy techs who tell you that it could take up to 2 weeks for them to hear back from your insurance company and you will just have to wait to pick up your prescriptions.  I mean 2 weeks is a perfectly acceptable time frame to wait when you're in agonizing pain right?  

*The little girl at the McD's playground who kept slamming Peanut's fingers in the door (on purpose), even after I told her to stop.  

*The dickweed cashier at McD's who saw me standing up at the counter for at least 5 min (probably longer) but was too busy standing there staring at the wall to ask me if I needed help or even acknowledge my presence.  However, when a man came in several min after me and walked up to a different register, he then walks over to the man and says, "How can I help you?"   Foolish boy! Never ever ignore a mom standing at a counter armed and loaded with wiggling, kicking, obnoxious toddlers.  5 minutes might as well be 45 min in toddler time.   Don't blame me when my smiling, cooperative toddlers suddenly turn into spawn of satan.  If you had helped me when they were in a good mood, things would've gone much easier for you.   I'm sorry my toddler threw your nicely stacked cups onto the ground, and left a chewed up french fry on your counter.  Really I am.

*McD's once again for giving my kids the runs but putting the bathrooms on the complete opposite side of the restaurant from the playground.  Brilliant!  Obviously designed by another dickweed whom I guessing does not have small children.    

*And finally my husband who was sound asleep on the couch when I got home from my 3 hour hellacious road trip with 5 kids and had the nerve to say, "Can you keep the kids quiet. I'm taking a nap".  He might just be getting a poop sandwich for lunch AND dinner tomorrow night.  

*Wow, that felt good getting all of that out!  I just might have to make this a weekly or monthly post.   So who would you nominate to receive a poop sandwich? 

My boys are not Mac compatible

We are a Mac/Apple loving family as in PC's are not even permitted inside our home.    It all started many years ago when my husband started film school.  Apparently (according to J) all of the cool people used Mac's in the film industry, so we made the switch and never looked back.  In fact the quickest way to get under my husband's skin is to mention "I've been thinking of getting a PC" and then watch the reaction.  Priceless!  I do agree that Apple products/Mac's are pretty darn cool.  My husband was telling one of his friends recently that they are super durable and you can do pretty much anything to them and they can handle it.   I nudged him in the side and said, "Well almost anything".

Here is where our story begins…..

Mac #1:  Before I start with my train wreck of a story, I need to add that Mac #1 was the most important Mac in our family.  J purchased this computer shortly before he first started college, and it was kind of his "baby".  He had all of his student projects on this computer, and we stored thousands and thousands of family pictures, from pregnancies to baby pics, holidays, wedding photos, etc. Basically our entire existence as a family lived inside Mac #1.

One morning when M was about 18 months old, he stumbled out of bed and headed downstairs.  I was already awake, but J was still asleep on the couch (no I didn't kick him out of our bed, but he got tired of getting kicked in the kidneys by little feet so he sometimes would sleep on the couch).    Before I could do anything, M pulled down his diaper and stood a couple of feet in front of the Mac tower and proceeded to urinate into the tower of Mac #1 (and he had fabulous aim too).   I watched in horror and screamed, "No, M STOP", but it was too late.   M had desecrated our beloved Mac.  Within a few seconds the screen turned black, the computer made a really awkward sound, and the whole thing shut down.  Not good at all.   I had so many ridiculous, panicky thoughts rushing through my head like, "Maybe I can just dump the urine out" so I pathetically lifted the heavy tower and tons of urine came pouring out.    However, Mac #1 was still dead.  Dead, dead, dead.    My next thought was, "OMG, I have to go wake up my sleeping husband and tell him the news".     I creeped up to my sleeping grizzly bear of a husband (who is not a morning person) and stammered, "Babe, so-so-something happened.  Something catastrophic".    I don't know how he knew but J immediately leaped off the couch and screamed, "What happened to my computer?"   I was in tears by this point and I had already relocated M safely into the witness protection program.   I stood by and watched helplessly as my husband ripped the cover of his beloved Mac tower, as urine dripped from the top.   He unplugged the computer, put it into the car, and drove off.    I paced around the house for what felt like an eternity waiting to hear the results.  It felt like a family member was in surgery and we were waiting to hear if they pulled through (okay maybe that's pushing it a little, but still it was pretty stressful).   J finally called and I could tell from the sound of his voice that it was a lost cause.  He said the people at the Apple repair store told him they couldn't even touch the computer without putting on full biohazard suits because it had "human bodily fluids on it".   It would've cost way too much to get it cleaned and there was no guarantee it would ever work again. We did manage to save our photos, but Mac #1 was unfortunately laid to rest.    I will say that we all laugh hysterically over Mac #1 now that 4 years have passed.  It's become a running joke among our friends and family that Macs are not "urine proof" and many friends love to tell the "Mac urinal story".   I actually have to give the kid props that he was smart enough to realize that he wasn't supposed to pee on my light beige carpeting, so he really did think he was doing a good thing by not peeing on the carpet.

Mac #2:  This story isn't nearly as entertaining, but basically we bought a second Mac for the kids to play their games on so we didn't have to share (we still had a working imac when Mac #1 was destroyed so at least we weren't computer-less).    I don't know how, but within a few days of M playing games on Mac #2, it mysteriously died.  Who knows? Maybe if someone did some digging they would find a chewed up Ritz cracker shoved inside the disc drive.

Iphone #1: This time it was my baby that was destroyed and it was our youngest son, "Peanut" who was the culprit.   I was running late and my iphone fell out of my pocket and onto the floor.  I just had to run into the bathroom one last time to grab something and I thought, "That's okay. I'll come right back and grab my phone in a second".    Within a few seconds, Peanut appeared in the doorway holding my iphone in his hand.   "Let me have…" I started to say when all of a sudden I see my iphone 4 go airborne.  It went over my shoulder and landed perfectly into the toilet.  Kerplunk.   Peanut is short, but that kid could just possibly have a future in the NBA with shots like that!  I screamed some obscenities (I honestly don't even remember which ones but there was a string of them).  I grabbed my phone out of the toilet and tried to dry it off.   That's when I heard the familiar sound of a fried computer shutting itself off.   Then the screen went black.  Dead, dead, dead….again!   Unfortunately I had no time to react.  I had to be somewhere in 45 minutes and it was an hour's drive.  I didn't have a way to tell my husband what had happened as he was still at work and we didn't have a home phone so our iphones were really our lifelines.  I remember feeling helpless as I drove without my precious phone (which was at home sitting in a bowl of rice).   When I got home, J immediately jumped all over me and was like, "Why haven't you answered any of my calls.  I thought you were dead!"  He obviously didn't see the iphone soaking in a rice bath.  What can I say my husband is super observant.

We dried the iphone in a bag of rice for 8 days and it still didn't work.  Luckily a local iphone repair shop was able to fix it for me and I didn't lose any info off of my phone, but it was costly.  $140 something dollars just for a quick dip in the toilet.

Iphone breakage #2:  It's been a year since Peanut threw my iphone into the toilet.  At first I wouldn't let him touch my phone with a ten foot pole, but I slowly loosened up over the months.  He loves to watch You Tube videos on my phone and who could deny such a cute little boy the privilege?  I should've known better.   Peanut got mad about something and threw my iphone across the room and it landed on the hardwood floor.  Now my ringer doesn't work at all.  The phone vibrates but that's it.  J has been teasing me non stop for letting the boys play with my phone.  I'm getting the "I told you so" that no wife likes to hear.   Plus, I just hate it when he's right.  What fun is that?

 There isn't much point to this post, except to say if you have boys and Apple products this could very well happen to you.   Oh and you might want to teach them the difference between a urinal and a computer tower :)

Babe You're Going to Rock Those Teva's!

The other night after the Bite of Oregon J and I got into a discussion.    Let me tell you our conversations are super serious and important, lol!

Take a look for yourself:

J: "I noticed a lot of the women at the Bite wore dresses.  I wish you would wear a dress once in a while.  Why don't you ever wear dresses?"

Me: "I hate dresses"

J: "You know you ARE a girl.  You should try dressing like one every once in a while"

Me: "Wow, how very 1950's of you"

J: "Oh come on.  Are you telling me that you wouldn't care if I started dressing slobby?"

Me: "Nope.  Wouldn't care"

J: "Okay how about this.  If you don't wear a dress at least once, then i'm going to start tucking in my shirts and wearing Teva sandals….with socks!"

Me: "Screw the Teva's….get yourself some Keens!  Now that would be sexy!"

J: Sigh….."You really aren't going to wear a dress are you?"

Me: "Nope.  Looks like you have some shopping to do.  I will start price comparing Teva's versus Keens for you"

Jesus, Food and Superman

Yesterday J and I headed to the annual Bite of Oregon located on the waterfront in Portland. This was our 3rd year attending the Bite and it's something we look forward to every single year. Basically it's just a ginormous food festival where you stuff yourself silly on a ton of "bomb ass food" as my hubby likes to say.

To prepare myself for the event I carefully selected my stretchiest "fat pants". For those of you who grew up watching Friends remember Joey's turkey pants? If you didnt catch it (maybe you lived under a rock or something), he wore maternity pants to Thanksgiving dinner as he attempted to eat an entire turkey, LMAO. I briefly debated about pulling out my old maternity pants but those are sitting out in a dusty box in the garage probably full of spider eggs and dust mites so I opted for my spandex capri leggings instead. Thank goodness the 80's are back in style and it's okay to wear leggings again (or is it?)

The first challenge was getting out of the house. With 5 kids this is a huge pain in the ass! The second pain in the ass (ooops I meant challenge) is my husband. He takes forever to get ready which just kills me considering he is freaking bald and has absolutely no hair! Wth? How can you be vain and bald? Shaking my head. Anyways he took his sweet ass time in the bathroom getting ready and then started bitching at me about hurrying up because we had to leave. Yeah I get 5 min, he gets 90. Grrrrr, where's that pee pee covered towel when I need it? *Please read my post titled "Reusable Toilet Paper" if you haven't already. Otherwise this makes me sound completely deranged, lol!

So we say goodbye to the kids, yell at the teens that we're doing a full head count when we get home and all the children better be accounted for, and head out.  Free at last!!! Woohoo!!! J ended up taking the wrong exit and we drove around in circles for a while. I yawned and rolled my eyes while he complained about going the wrong way and that we were losing valuable food eating time. Men are such whiners, lol! We finally found a parking spot, and as we're walking towards the entrance there were two nerdy, stuffy looking men who had what looked to be flyers in their hands but they didn't appear to be giving them out to anyone. I had this feeling I was going to be the next victim.  Sure enough we walk by and one of them steps forward and hands me something. I glanced at it and lo and behold it was a CD titled "You have a friend in Jesus".  Awesome, lol! I'm not sure why I was personally selected to receive this awkwardly radical gift but for whatever reason they must've thought that I needed saved. Good intuition! Lol!!!!  *I gave it to my almost 13 y/o daughter when we got home. She could use a friend in Jesus.

Here's a pic of my awesome souvenir: 

We walked in and immediately started stuffing our faces. We ate crab cakes, fried alligator (tasted like chicken), chocolate covered strawberries, currywurst, pulled pork sandwiches, cupcakes, elephant ears, yakisoba noodles, kobe sliders and I dont even remember what else. Seriously this place is just ridiculous! It's a food lovers paradise.

The one and only pic we took from the night: 

The chocolate covered strawberries are from a booth called "Berry Kabob" and they are the bomb diggity!  They won the best booth award and were slammed all day.  We ended up eating two full orders of chocolate covered strawberries.  They were that good. 

We decided to sit down and people watch for a bit. People watching is so much fun in Portland. It's a never ending slew of dweebs, geeks and weirdos (hey I had a board game with the same name). We decided to sit next to the beer garden. Drunk people=prime people watching location. We immediately notice an awkward looking threesome. Two unattractive, overly tan, oompa loompa-ish, cougars who were already drunkety drunk drunk. One of the ladies was so drunk that she fell off her stool and knocked over a light post. Classic! She was getting very close to the dufussy looking guy they were with (they really picked a winner let me tell you). She was doing the hair flip and getting closer and closer to Mr. Dufus. The other woman was the obvious 3rd wheel. She kept looking around and trying not to let it be known that she was obviously uncomfortable with being the 3rd wheel (I don't blame her. Nobody likes to be the 3rd wheel). I don't know what happened (perhaps her 5th glass of wine kicked in), but all of a sudden the 3rd wheel jumped off her stool and walks up to this young, 25ish looking guy sitting right in front of us. However we were pretty sure he was gay. J immediately whispers in my ear "Doesn't she realize he's gay?" I whisper back "Babe this bitch is old. Her generation isn't blessed with gaydar skills". We watched with horror and fascination as she continued to embarrass herself. Total train wreck! J got up to throw something away and he missed the very best part. The dude's boyfriend comes up and tells this woman to "Get out of my seat NOW", lol!!! He was MAD which I find comical because A)your boyfriend is gay B)this lady was scary looking and older than dirt so in my mind I'm thinking "Dude just let the woman work it for a minute" but the jealous boyfriend just wasn't having it. The whole thing was so funny I couldn't stop giggling. I actually felt a little bad for the 3rd wheel, but I have no doubt that she found someone to go home with. She was a very determined cougar and I dig that!

The other highlight of the night was the dancing Superman. Enter mentally unstable man dancing his heart out and doing the air guitar. Never mind the fact that the band was playing a super slow song. This man didn't care and was totally rocking out. I double dig it.

On one of our last stops of the night we're standing at the elephant ear booth and there's an older mom with her grown son. He was a little heavy set and wearing a cartoon t-shirt and just screamed momma's boy. J leans over and said "Wow babe. That's totally you and M someday".  In case you didn't know, M is the biggest momma's boy you've ever seen!  I have no doubt he'll probably live in our basement until he's 40 and that's perfectly ok with me. Building a basement will definitely be going on J's to-do list someday. Not even 5 min later our oldest daughter called and said M was crying for me and wanted to talk to me, lol!  Through hysterical sobs on the phone he said, "Momma (insert cries here), you are never ever going anywhere again".  Yep, total momma's boy.

We grabbed some sugary caramel corn to bring back to the kids and trekked back to the car.  Our tummies hung over our pants and we kept saying we were going to barf from all the food.  Oh and J got checked out by a tranny wearing a hot pink evening gown.  Have I mentioned how much I love this city?!