Bring on the elf shoes! Ketchup with us #13

Twice a month the amazing gals over at Old Dog New Tits and According to Mags come up with a creative prompt that you must answer in 57 words or less.

'KETCHUP WITH US' - PROMPT #13

In 57 words or less, tell us whose shoes you would 

like to walk in for a day.

In many ways i'm already walking in his shoes. 

He's a soccer dad. I'm a soccer mom. 

He was a cheerleader. I was a cheerleader. 

He loves his coffee.  

Let's just say that nobody gets hurt as long as I have mine. 

He's flexible. As a mom to five, sometimes you just gotta bend a little. 

So there you have it. In case you're living under a rock and don't know who Will Ferrell is, he's a talented and awesome comedian whom I absolutely adore and I would love to walk in his shoes. I don't care if they are filthy, fugly, smelly, or 10 sizes too big.  Will, call me. 

The in-laws are coming

Kind of like the sky is falling, the sky is falling, i'm sitting here screaming, "Oh my GAWD the in-laws are coming!!!"

They are due to arrive either Thursday or Friday from out of state.  One would think we would know when they were actually scheduled to arrive, right?  Well, they told my husband their travel plans and whenever I ask the hubby when they are coming he shrugs and says, "I don't know. Friday. Or Thursday. Or maybe Friday. I'm not sure."   When his grandparents came to stay with us for a week from Vegas, we were literally sitting down eating dinner on a Tuesday (convinced they were coming on Thursday) when the door bell rang at 7 pm and standing at the door were his grandparents, with bags in hand.  It was one of those nightmare comes true situations where your house is in shambles and you have nothing in your fridge except an old container of margarine, a half empty gallon of milk and something furry in the cheese drawer because you were preparing to do a massive pre-company grocery run.

I enjoy my in-laws visits but I seriously get a little sick to my stomach when I know they are going to be stepping foot inside of my home.  They are neat freaks.  I know everyone thinks they know a neat freak, but seriously they are OCD clean.  As in their shower tiles (and grout) are so flipping white i'm convinced they never actually use their shower.  I don't even know how you get it that clean other than replacing it with brand new tiles and grout.  My MIL actually lived with us a few years ago.  I learned a lot of things about her like it's pointless to even load the dishwasher because she will come up behind you and completely re-arrange it.  And then there's the panty.  Wowzers, the pantry!  Our pantry was so freaky organized that even my dad came to visit once and was like, "What the hell is up with your pantry?"  Yeah, it was like that old Julia Roberts, Sleeping with the Enemy movie where she opens her cupboards and all of her canned food was stacked with the labels turned a certain way.   My SIL and I would occasionally have fun with her though.  We would mix items from the pantry to see if she noticed and I swear within a few minutes, things were pretty much returned to their original place.

So, yeah, they are coming in a few days and my to-do list is ridiculous.  The bathrooms need cleaned, floors need mopped, carpets need vacuumed, and all the crap organized and put away. Piece of cake when you have five kids and no time to clean, right? Kill me now. I should clarify that my house is far from Hoarders and when you walk in it looks quite clean until you start snooping around.  Yeah, there is lots of deep cleaning that needs to be done and the clock is tick, tick, ticking!

Don't worry this is NOT my house….

THIS is my house

I should be able to get it done by Thurs. No problemo. 

Okay, okay. Neither of these pics are my house and that was a very BAD joke and very insensitive to people who hoard. Save your hate mail. Unless your in-laws are coming to visit, I don't want to hear it.  I get a "My in-laws are coming so I can be offensive" pass for the week. Or month. Or year. 

Instead of the hate mail, please do send me lots of luck, positive thoughts, and lots of chocolate that I can get it all done.  No, screw the chocolate!  I forgot my MIL tisk, tisks anyone over 100 lbs and i'm the heaviest i've ever been so please no chocolate.  But booze is always welcome.  Yeah, just send that.  Lots of it.  And fast because the in-laws will be here on Thursday.  Or Friday.  Or maybe on Thursday.

Curtain Call: Guest post by Baking In A Tornado

Curtain Call

By Karen @ www.BakingInATornado.com

And now we find ourselves at the end of our show. When I first took the stage here at Peanut Layne I promised that I was just the opening act and the show would be well worth seeing. For six weeks 15 different bloggers with unique voices stopped by to entertain you. We came to support our friend, to buy her some time to rest and start to regain her strength.

You’d think that trying to line up a number of Guest Posts for someone else’s blog would be a difficult undertaking. You’d be wrong. The number of bloggers and the speed with which they came forward was overwhelming. Each piece was written by a person with busy lives and blogs and families, selflessly volunteering to show support for one of our own.

So today, as I turn this stage back over to its rightful owner, I’d like to take the opportunity to provide you with one final curtain call. And if you enjoyed the show as much as I did, you need to know where to find these talented artists at their day jobs. So a round of applause please for our cast, in the order that they appeared:

Baking In A Tornado

Momaical

A Mother Life

A Grace Full Life 

The Momisodes

Sorry Kid, Your Mom Doesn't Play Well With Others

Suburbia Interrupted

Follow me home…

Life on the SONny Side

Snarkfest

My Brain on Kids

The Insomniac's Dream

Big A little a

Diapers…or Wine?

First Time Mom and Dad

Don’t forget to tip your bartender (or the starving artists). And welcome home, Peanut Layne.

May I have your attention please?

I have a huge, ginormous, earth shattering announcement to make!  I'm really a man.  No, i'm not.  But I have been told I have man hands.  OK, moving on….

I'm going to be a published author in a kick ass anthology called, I Just Want To Pee Alone!  A couple of months ago I was contacted by a famous blogger by the name of Jen (i'll give you a clue, she likes to punch people in the throat), about writing an essay for an upcoming anthology about finding the humor in motherhood, so I did, and I actually made it in!  I promise i'll be sharing a lot more details about the book as the release date gets closer.  I can tell you that it will be available this spring and you can buy it on Amazon, Kindle, Nook, and ipad.

Without sounding like too much of a douchenozzle, I have to say i'm so proud to be included in this book with such an amazing group of bloggers!  It hasn't even been a full year since I re-launched Life on Peanut Layne.  I wasn't expecting much when I started my quirky little blog.  Heck, if 30 people read my blog in the beginning, I was jumping up and down.  I'm blown away by the number of people who read my blog today. To every single person out there who has ever clicked on my blog, thank you!  Even if you clicked on me and hated me, I still thank you for even taking the time to click on my blog.

This is the actual cover of the book. Pretty awesome huh?

 I was going to save this story for my one year blog anniversary, but I figured this occasion was a more appropriate time to share.  For those wondering how I got here, let me tell you a little bit more about myself. When I was a kid, I dreamed of being a writer.  In elementary school I was one of the only students at my school selected to go to a local writing conference. The best part was that I got to miss an entire day of school and share my story with a group of other "authors".  I thought I was the shit. Oh boy, did I ever!  I had a writing notebook filled with potential stories.  I was going to be the next Judy Blume or Ann M. Martin.  I was a huge book nerd and instead of going to lunch or recess like a normal kid, I would hide in the library and read during my breaks.  I wish I had time to actually read a book today, but with 5 kids i'm lucky if I have time to read the inserts that accompany a new prescription.

In high school I signed up for a beginners journalism class.  I figured I had this class in the bag, considering I was a gifted writer who attended a conference in elementary school.  Boy was my first assignment a rude awakening when I wrote an opinion piece on a news article!  EEEEK! I have never seen so many red circles, lines and notes on one assignment!  I didn't exactly make a great first impression with the journalism teacher (in fact i'm pretty sure she thought I was a moron), but I re-grouped, did some research on how to actually write a proper news article, and my next article about students dealing with diabetes was a smashing success.  I ended up spending two years in journalism.  A few days before I graduated my journalism teacher slipped me a note that said, "I hope you'll never stop writing.  You are destined to be a writer".

Unfortunately for me my life took an unexpected turn after high school, and my college dreams were put on hold.  By the time I did manage to enroll in college I wanted to be a nurse (bear with me here).  I signed up for several communications classes which were required to get into the nursing program.  For our first speech we had to give a 5 minute introduction speech. It could be about any topic we wanted.  I hate public speaking as i'm dreadfully shy.  Most of the intro speeches were painful to sit through.  People talking about themselves or things they were interested in like which stereo speakers they preferred or basic web design...yawn!  As for me?  I spoke about what I knew best…raising kids!  I wrote a short, humorous speech on the "10 Things I Learned About Parenthood".  I wish I would've saved a copy of it, but unfortunately it's stuck on a floppy disk somewhere (lost in a technology time warp).  I wasn't expecting much, but within just a few seconds of my speech the other students were literally laughing out loud.  In fact they were laughing so hard that I had to shout over the roar of the crowd.  They freaking loved my speech!  I guess it's pretty entertaining to hear that kids can eat Glade Plug In's and still survive.  After class my professor pulled me aside to talk to me.  Worried that maybe I crossed the line with my speech, I was shocked when he proceeded to ask me questions about my future.  He asked what I was going to school for.  I told him "nursing".  He wrinkled up his face and said, "No way! You've really got something.  You were made for the entertainment industry.  You need to be a stand up comedian.  Don't waste your talents. Nursing is not for you".

Everything he said profoundly impacted me, but it didn't change anything.  I proceeded with the medical program and eventually completed a Medical Assisting w/X-Ray Tech degree, but I was miserable.  I hated every single moment of it.  Don't get me wrong! I'm so thankful that there are people out there who love it, because there are dipshits like myself who put a catheter in the wrong hole and need your help, so thank you for doing the job that you do!  It just wasn't for me.

So here I am, not exactly a stand up comedian, but a humorist blogger following my dreams.  Dreams that got derailed but never forgotten.

I will be sharing all of the contributors in this amazing book at some point so please check out my Facebook page for daily updates: http://www.facebook.com/LifeOnPeanutLayne.

Here are just a few of the talented contributors that probably need no introduction from little old me:

People I Want to Punch in the Throat

Baby Sideburns

Bad Parenting Moments

You Know It Happens At Your House Too

Guest Post by 1st Time Mom and Dad

Guest Post by 1st Time Mom and Dad

At 34 I was one of the last of my core group of girlfriends to have a baby.  I mean, some of my girlfriends are already sending their first born off to college, and I am not even sending mine to preschool. Honestly, until I met my husband at 30-years-old, I was not even sure if I wanted kids.  I was happy living my selfish life of work, happy-hour, sleep, work.  I appreciated the simplicity and freedom of spinsterhood.

I can remember when my very best girlfriend got pregnant when we were only 24.  I thought she was nuts. I couldn't understand why she would want to go and mess up a good thing like her twenties by having a child?! Low and behold she did, and then she had another baby, while I was still falling down drunk at keg parties. I was sure my life was better.  Yet, one after another, my girlfriends were making babies.

Then by the time I turned 30, nearly all of my girlfriends were married (some already divorced) with children, and I mean multiple children.  I remember being pissed that at my big 30th birthday bash my motherly friends sat around carrying on about their children, the babysitter, getting home and not drinking to much because they would have to be up at the ass crack of dawn to look after their children.  I was so annoyed that they were having a better time talking shit about their children than I was, at my own birthday party!

Then, four years later, I had a baby.

I look back now on my 30th birthday bash and realize how lucky I am that they made it out at all!  I realize now with their kids being so much of their life, it was inevitable that they would trade war stories and tips and tricks to get the kids to eat or sleep.  I totally get it now. I also have all of my friends back.  We are now, the Sisterhood of the Motherhood.

We all understand each other, well they understand exactly what I am going through, and are happily sharing stories of what's to come with a crazy boy toddler.  We all would jump at the drop of a hat to help each other with babysitting, laundry, picking up medication from the pharmacy... you name it, and our sisterhood would do it to help each other's motherhood woes out!

I love that we have all changed and grown together. So yes, maybe I was a little late in changing over from party girl to mommy girl, but I have, and we are all together again. We laugh and joke and drink wine together again, and understand that we all have to be in bed by 11pm. We also don't judge when one of us shows up to the party with spit-up or a goldfish stuck to our ass.  We are an understanding, accommodating sisterhood.

I have also learned that mothers everywhere, while we do judge a little, we will help each other out.  We also get that your screaming baby in the store is not your fault, we get that you need a hand sometimes and are happy to help.  We are an unsaid club of sisters, always ready to help a mother out! And I am so so so proud and honored to be a member.

Guest Post by Diapers or Wine?

Guest Post by Diapers…or Wine?

I've been wanting to do a guest post for Peanut Layne for a few weeks now, but life got me. What i mean by that is i was eating and crying. I'm Sue, and my blog is http://www.diapersorwine.com/ . It's not helpful. I have no awesome crafts or tips. This is basically me having a nervous breakdown.

But back to it, one of the reasons i totally loved Peanut Layne's blog since i found it was because we both have 5 kids. In my circles, this isn't very common, and is often met with cold stares, loud comments, and the occasional, "Oh GOD BLESS YOU". If I was my Mom (i'm one of 6), i would say very sweetly, "He already has". This always shuts people up. Usually though, I’m like, "It's more fun than it looks. I realize we look insane. It's FUN OK". And that is while 2 are fighting, one is crying for boob (oooh, do i sense a theme for the post?), one is texting, and another one is brushing her red curls into a huge static mess and i am sweating profusely.

Another thing  Mrs Peanut Layne and i have in common? We both have boob monsters. No, this is not an STD. It's not an affectionate name for our husbands. This would be our youngest children.

I go from thinking, "aww, this is so sweet, i'm so thankful that she needs me and is comforted", to, "MOTHER F GET OFF- GET OFF - GET OFF!!!". My husband has given up all hope of getting "his" boobs back. He did try to find me ideas and helpful tips on weaning. But i don't want to put bad tasting liquid on my nipples. They aren't THUMBS. They are my nipples. Nope. I'm good. We'll figure it out. Please Jesus, help us figure it out.

I'm going to branch out and say Peanut & i have both heard it all. Gotten "helpful tips" from strangers or friends on stopping. "You just STOP". "Show them who is boss". "Don't you miss sleep". I just did a huge sigh as i wrote that. We know, people. We know. Yes, we miss sleep. Yes, it would be lovely to live in your magical little world, where you just show small children who is boss, and STOP. But we are kinda stuck in a zone right now where making the screaming stop means boobs. Getting ANY sleep means boobs. Fixing the boo-boo probably means boobs. Yes, sleeping through a night would be awesome. I haven't done that in over 2 years. But i also know my toddler. This little girl screamed for 6 hours, 3 nights in a row when we tried a certain method. And guess what else, she didn't catch up on that sleep she didn't get. Nope. She is the undead. She does not require sleep, unless it is accompanied by a warm boob.

Sure, i'd like to be done with this. Sure, i would REALLY like if she didn't grab her blanket, and start yelling, "Boob, Mom! Boob!" in public. But...this is where we're at.

My husband and i had another talk about trying to wean her, and he - not me - got all choked up when he said, "What will she think is happening when you say no and won't let her?"...so i'm screwed, kids. Mommy will be doing this until she maybe gets peer pressure from her friends that it's weird.

So, just a helpful tip...if you see someone nursing a toddler, just give them a bottle of wine. Just kidding (no, i'm not, seriously get them one). Give a smile. A nod. Something. But maybe don't give helpful tips unless they were asked for. Because we're doing what we gotta do right now. We aren't giving you helpful tips on stuff we don't understand. We're just surviving. And someday, when it's all over, probably we will remember it fondly. I don't believe that last sentence right now, but someday...

Friendly Friday # 19

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