Thursday, November 8, 2012

I'm back and here to discuss super important stuff like botox, big bird, and bathroom stalls without doors.

Okay, so I know i've been MIA lately.  And no it's not because i've been hiding out from the whole politics/election thing.  The only politics I will ever discuss on this blog is the difference between Starbucks and Dutch Bros Coffee (and i'm on team Dutch Bros in case you're wondering).

Shockingly enough there actually are more important topics than politics. For example right this very second, there is somebody out there who is running to the toilet with explosive diarrhea or hunched over the bowl vomiting their guts out and praying for sudden death.  It's true.  While most people were bickering on Facebook over which political candidate they thought was going to rule or ruin our country, I was curled up on the bathroom rug (and you all know how gross those things are) and wishing I could Freaky Friday my life with Kim Kardashian.  She can puke her guts out, and i'll happily spend money I didn't earn, while figuring out how to eat my $50 salad after getting my fish lips botoxed for the 900th time.   

But let me back up a little.  It all started on Saturday.  Early morning soccer game to be exact. Yuck.  I woke up with severe constipation.  It's a problem i've always had, since I was little. It's not uncommon for me to go two weeks or more.  I know you're probably reading this and thinking, "Is this chick serious? She thinks it's appropriate to discuss bowel movements on a blog?" Considering the most common Google search phrases to direct people to my blog are, "Pooping your pants" and "Peeing your pants while driving" I would say this post fits right in.  Even though I felt like I had a small child dancing on my colon, I got the privilege of driving my older daughter to her game out of town. Lucky, lucky me.  By the time I got to the game, I was in such bad shape that I didn't even get out of the van.  I was one of those horrible mothers who watched the game (okay more like text messaged friends) from inside the driver's seat of my minivan.  In my defense you could actually pull right up to the field so I had just as good of a view as I would've sitting next to all the douchenozzles (er, I mean fellow soccer parents) on the field. 

I made the fatal error of pounding a medium white chocolate caramel mocha while I watched the game. By the time half time rolled around, I was in agony.  And no people, i'm not talking about poop here, I was literally trying not to pee my pants.  There was a grocery store down the street but I had to go so urgently (remember I have a little disease called IC) that there was no way in hell I was going to make it.  So, I looked to my left and there was a playground with a concrete building that looked like it had a bathroom.   

I ran inside and paused.  No freaking way.   
Yep, I peed without a door. 

As if my day surely couldn't get any lower than urinating in a public restroom without doors, I had to go to my younger daughter's soccer game.  And this time we had to bring both boys who are two and five. Here's something funny.  Boys that age don't sit. Oh hell no!  I spent the entire freaking game chasing after Peanut, while shooting my hubby death ray looks for purposely being oblivious to the fact that I was busting my ass chasing after them.  

Here's a rare picture of them actually sitting (before the game started of course): 
You'd think that after a day like this I could go home and drink (I mean rest).  Nope. I had the end of the soccer season party to attend, while still dealing with massive constipation. And make small talk with people I don't like.  

And pretend that these were cute. Gross. 
So, you're probably thinking I made it home and was in the clear, right?  Ha! You must not read my blog on a regular basis.  I decided that since my life didn't suck enough already, I was going to try to relieve my problems with these puppies: 
Here's a tip: Never, ever (ever) take these pills unless you're one of those freaks who believes in self torture.  Not only did they not work, but I got hit with a GI virus that very same weekend, most likely from one of the little grubby monsters at the soccer party who were walking around touching everything without washing their hands (this is why I should never go out in public).  By Monday morning, I was in such bad shape that I couldn't even tell you which day of the week it was.  Election what? By this point I was so delirious that Tom Cruise and Big Bird could've been running for president for all I knew.  I spent the night in the hospital, and was treated for severe dehydration.  I can't say that i've been taking it easy because I have five kids at home so i'm not even sure what "taking it easy" means, but I did force myself to take a break from my blog.  I want to thank all of you who sent me positive thoughts and well wishes.  I missed all of you greatly.  I'm baaaaack bitches (i've always wanted to say that. Check one off my bucket list.)  


  1. Welcome Back! You were missed.

    Stalls w/out doors?! What are we, cavemen?!

  2. OMG I feel for you.
    I HATE getting the stomach flu.
    I have Acid Reflux so it is HELL when I do so I feel for you.
    Glad you are up to blogging again.
    Take care of yourself, as much as you can being a mommy. :)

  3. Oh my goodness!! You poor thing. I feel you on the not pooping for weeks. am the same way. I have been that way for years. Well I'm glad you were at least at home while you were sick. I definitely thought that story was going to be way worse. Glad your feeling better.

    P.S I love 'douchenozzles' and when I say it to hubby he looks at me sideways. lol

  4. So glad you are feeling better. On another note... HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I freaking LOVE your blogs! You are the best!

  5. Love you Ms Layne!!! And there's nothing worse than hanging out with douchenozzles when you feel like death on a plate. Xo

  6. Welcome back!!! I'm not sure that I would have voted for Tom Cruise!! :P

  7. You were SO missed. Nobody can paint a visual of a douchenozzle like you can, NOBODY. Glad you're feeling better.

  8. I have IC as well, came over from the link up:)

    Check me out here

  9. Au contraire, blogs are the perfect place to talk about bowel movements! ;)
    I too had the stomach flu a few weeks ago and wanted to die. Here is my thought: moms should *never* have the stomach flu.
    Also, douchnozzle is my new favorite word. I have a writer crush on you- you really know how to paint a picture! Glad you have parted company with the toilet, and thanks for hosting Friendly Fridays again!

  10. OMG I want to use douchenozzle all the time no, LOVE IT. I feel your pain, I have IBS and get sick all the time, it's no fun having to take care of a kid too.


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