Thursday, November 29, 2012

What a date night looks like when you have five kids

My hubby and I get out about as often as a hoarder cleans their house.  For many years going out together just wasn't possible at all.  When you have multiple children, your family and friends will suddenly disappear. They will get sick…a lot!  As in bubonic plague sick.  They will suddenly be busy washing their dog, or away to some foreign place that you've never heard of, until eventually they just stop answering your desperate cries for help (I mean phone calls) at all.  Now that we have teenagers, we occasionally get the pleasure of leaving them in charge and escaping from the house of horrors for a couple of hours.

Yesterday I was having one of those days where I felt like my uterus betrayed me because it seemed to have popped out multiple replicas of Rosemary's babies so I sent a desperate text to my hubby.  Something to the effect of "Help me" but it probably came out as, "Your children are horrible." I don't even remember what I texted him, as it's all a big blur of crap and despair.  The hubby knew that my text was really an SOS code so he texted back, "I promise I will get you out of the house tonight".  So I did what any really good mother would do. I lovingly prepared Kraft Mac N Cheese for the kids while they continued to whine, fight, and tear up my house.

The hubby got home and immediately sat on the couch.  I realize the man is probably very tired after working hard all day, but if you're going to send a text to your wife promising to take her out of the nuthouse, then damn it, take her out!  Anyways, after dropping lots of hints like, "I already fed the kids dinner" he said, "Okay" and continued to watch TV.   It wasn't until our darling little children starting getting on my hubby's nerves did he finally say, "Go get dressed so we can go".  Oh yeah, I failed to mention that I was still wearing my mom uniform which consisted of sweat pants, no bra and a baggy t-shirt.  I'm so used to wearing it, that I forget that I look like the grim reaper most of the time.

So, I got ready to go with my two year old clinging to my leg and screaming and holding his little velcro shoes in his arms saying,  "I go bye bye."  He knows when mom takes off the sweatpants, she means business and is planning an escape, so he does what any two year old does and gives mom the guilt trip from hell.  It sometimes works, but not this time.  It had been far too long since I had left this house alone.

We said goodbye to the kids and headed out the door.  It was so freaking cold that I couldn't even breathe.  Date night was starting out great.  I love being a human popsicle. Then my hubby started asking me the really tough loaded questions like, "Where do you want to eat?"  Since i'm the one who pays our bills and I know money is tight during the holidays I feel totally torn.  I don't know whether to be a cheap date and say "Taco Bell" or name an actual restaurant.  Being a stay at home mom all of these years has left me totally incapable of making a decision.  Seriously.  Don't ask me questions.  It pisses me off.  So I put out the feelers by saying, "What do you feel like?"  This is really me fishing for  "Are we talking $2 tacos here or an actual meal that doesn't come in a paper bag?"  The hubby responded with "Let's just go to Applebees".  Okay so now I know since he's springing for the big meal this probably means he's going to want sex later, but I wasn't going to worry about that at this point.

We sat down at a table, I looked at the family sitting next to us with kids and gave them the "Haha suckers, I don't have my kids" smirk, and we ordered our food.  I ordered a salad as i'm a little paranoid about blowing up like a balloon since I just got a Depo shot last week.  Never mind the fact that we had already ordered boneless buffalo wings just a few minutes prior and I had stuffed my face with about 6 or 7 of those suckers, completely coated on all sides of the chicken in ranch and blue cheese dressing, but at least by ordering a salad I felt a little less guilty.   The hubby ordered his food and all is good as we eat and I talk my husband's ear off since I don't get adult human interaction during the day, and my usual conversation throughout the day consists of, "Why in the hell would you try to stuff a miniature Christmas ornament in your ear?" or "Peanut, where are your pants?"  I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried.   Then my hubby started complaining about stomach pain.  We think he has Crohn's (or at least his previous surgeon strongly believes he does) but the stubborn arse won't go in for a colonoscopy for a final diagnosis.  No matter where we go, I spend a good majority of it waiting outside of the men's bathroom for him, awkwardly fiddling on my iphone, pretending like i'm busy and actually have a life (and friends) while silently praying for him to just drop his load already so we can go.  He could've ordered a sensible meal but no he just had to spring for the beer battered fish and chips!

After dinner (and the hubby's marathon bathroom trip), we weren't ready to go home just yet so we headed across the street to Kohl's.  Going clothing shopping with my husband is incredibly frustrating.  He looks sexy and amazing in everything while I get asked, "How far along are you?" when i'm not even freaking pregnant.   My hubby is worse than any female.  It's a running joke that no matter what he buys, it will be returned shortly.  He is picky….PICKY!!!!!   He insisted that I come into the dressing room with him.  I'm shy and one of those wussy people afraid to break the rules (unless it's cussing because i'm really good at that), so I snuck in like a teenager who is creeping out the front door to meet her boyfriend.  I sat on the bench inside the men's dressing room stall and picked up my feet so no one could see them.  The hubby was like, "Babe, what are you doing?"  My response was a panic stricken, "Shhhhhh, they'll hear us, or think we're having sex in here".   My hubby rolled his eyes and said something smart ass like, "Yeah, that would suck."  So, he tried on his two sweaters that would've taken me 5 minutes, but it took him about 20.  He turned around about a million times, looking at himself at all angles.  He fidgeted with the zipper and pockets.  He asked me about a hundred times if it looked good on him.  By this point i'm getting annoyed and bored and so ready to go home and face my Rosemary's babies.  We finally get out of the dressing room (I ran out like my butt was on fire because i'm lame and a chicken), thinking we would be going home but NO, the hubby has to walk around some more.

We make it out of the store and he says "Do we have to go anywhere else?"  My mind quickly goes to the grocery store as I know that all we're left with at home are things like a half empty box of saltines, some healthy cereal (that I know the kids wont touch and neither will I but it was bought during my diet that lasted a whole 2 hours), and whatever else has been shoved to the back of the fridge or the pantry that hasn't been touched in days. Basically all the reject food.  I muttered the words "Grocery store" and my hubby's face immediately tensed.  "What do we NEED from there?" he asked.  I wanted to say, "Everything" but I hate, hate, hate, grocery shopping with him so I said, "Just a few things".   We pulled up to the store while he weaved in and out of the parking spaces while I held onto the door handle for dear life. As we were walking in he says, "Let's just hurry up and grab what we need and get out of here".  Okay, so he can spend 25 minutes trying on one sweater and I have to grab food and run?  Sounds fair, right?  We're inside the store and i'm confused as hell as to where things are as this is not my usual store and i'm flustered. I'm really wanting to buy brownies and potato chips to get me through the following day with the kids, but I hate buying that stuff when i'm with the hubby.  So I grabbed some bread, peanut butter, etc., basically boring stuff that the kids like, but I didn't know what to get for me.  I typically allow myself at least an hour to grocery shop so I can wander up and down the aisles until i've figured out the perfect combination of appropriate meal/junk food.

We got through the checkout, walked outside in the mind bending cold and headed home.  I pouted over not getting my greasy potato chips and brownies, soon my hubby would be pouting over not getting any sex.  We walked through the front door and I immediately see a homemade fort in the living room.  Fabulous.  The kids immediately started jumping around my feet, my one and only pair of good pants now have peanut butter hand prints on them, and the kids are all shouting, "What did you get us?" over and over and then screaming and throwing tantrums when they realize that we came home with boring stuff like peanut butter and bread.  That my friends is date night when you have five kids.  Sad, pathetic and totally 100% true. 

21 comments:

  1. Geez! What a date night! It's kinda the same here in my end of the world. I only have two kids in their pre-teens and I long for a real (before marriage like) date with the hubby.A carefree one, where I look fabulous!!!

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    1. I hear ya! I have forgotten those days :( I remember dressing up before our dates and actually looking cute. Now I just like a middle aged housewife who escaped from the funny farm. Not so cute anymore!

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  2. You and I have the same type of man for a husband! Amazingly picky when it comes to his clothes...I cannot buy his clothes without him but if he comes along, it's a 2 hour, headache-inducing event!

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    1. I'm sorry you have to suffer through the same thing! I seriously don't get it?! I gave up on buying him clothes long ago. He has to try things on before he buys…HAS to, lol!

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  3. Oh. My. Word. You deserve an overnight date, my dear. My parents watched our daughter (yes, we only have one child right now, so probably get out a bit more) for our 6th anniversary and where did we go...a sports bar to play trivia. Why? Because dressing up is too complicated for me these days. I used to be a fashionista and it would take me five minutes to do my make-up. Now, it takes me an hour to do my hair and make-up because I'm out of practice and my clothes are all circa 2005 or earlier. But, I feel guilty even complaining because I'm sure I get out more with only one kid.

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  4. I actually started crying while reading this, no joke, no exaggeration. You are amazing. I so understand and relate to this. Especially the dang 2yr old KNOWING AND REALIZING when you look "nice" (aka you put on a freakin' bra) and what it means. Amazing. And we almost always end our "romantic Applebees date night" (with diarrhea) at Walmart to grocery shop. I love you. So, so much.

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  5. Date nights are so nice in theory but hardly ever go well in reality.

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  6. You made one fatal mistake at the end of the night. When my kids were little, on date night, I'd make my husband sit in the driveway while I called the house. Until I was assured the kids were asleep, I was not crossing that threshold.

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  7. I started following you through this weekend's blog hop and would love for you to check out my blog too if you get a chance :)

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  8. oops...I think I forgot to leave my blog link in that last post! Found you in the blog hop. congratulations on co hosting :)
    http://putbeautytowords.blogspot.ca/

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  9. Oh my goodness! Loved this post! It's hilariously terrible! I agree, you totally deserve an overnight. Btw, after reading this, I immediately had to google Crohn's disease! D has a lot of the symptoms too!

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  10. I loved this post! I remember actually planning and gasp styling my hair for dates. I would usually plan outfits in advance!!! Now If fat doesn`t pour out and its clean I wear it... Wait thats my sweats at home not sure what I would wear last time I was pregnant so I wore sisters maternity clothes!!

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  11. I 100% you need an overnight date night. As part of the mommy with 5 group, you guys need to have 'date night' on the couch. We try to spread kids out at family members houses every few weeks to get a kid free night. But when we can't, we get the kids in bed and a movie on the tv. At least it's something lol. When we go out, our date night is the same. Dinner. Shopping. Always a stop at the grocery store and then rushing home so The Big Guy can beeline to the bathroom haha.

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  12. I feel your pain. Hubby and I have a date this weekend that consists of getting curtains or blinds for the 9 windows on my main floor! Yippee!(insert sarcasm) Not I have to say that we do get more date nights and we are going to a party next weekend, but I am pretty excited to be child free curtain shopping.

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  13. The glamorous life we lead is amazing isn't it? I swear I was laughing along WITH you, not AT you. Mainly because this sounds eerily familiar. Great post my friend! xoxoxo

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  14. This is awesome! I can't tell you how many times Hubby and I have gone out on a "nice" date and then ended up at Target or Home Depot or the grocery store. And he's always holding his breath that everyone will be asleep when we get home so we can do the deed, but nine times out of ten, someone's still awake.

    On another note, Celiac disease and Crohn's disease can look similar. Has your Hubby tried eliminating gluten (wheat, oats, barley, rye) to see if he feels better? My Hubby has Celiac, and if he eats gluten he immediately needs to run to the bathroom. Hope he gets it figured out soon!

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  15. I'm so glad that I'm not the only one whose twice a year date nights go exactly like this! So romantic, right?! :)

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  16. Right there with you! Except we only have 2 kids, so I can't imagine what it must be like with 5. I applaud you for even making it out the door! Sharing this on Twitter via #findingthefunny.
    Meredith
    www.themomoftheyear.net

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  17. It would be sad if it wasn't so funny. Or sad. Actually, I can't decide now. I went out with friends this week. My daughter saw me leaving and asked, "What are you all FANCIED up for?" At least she noticed. I will say the lifestyle we lead saves a mint on bra and cosmetic purchases though. That's a bonus.

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  18. we've got 7 kids under 10 years old...try getting a babysitter for this crew! I can totally relate. In fact, I think we have had the exact experience.

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  19. Hey, at least you got three different locations out of your date. We usually get a restaurant then straight home, or a movie, then straight home. Never both. And never three places.

    I'm going to disagree with you on one of your statements. I don't think being a SAHM has rendered you incapable of making a decision. The way I see it, we make decisions all day long (I work outside the home, but it's the same thing for me). You make decisions for every living person around you ALL DAY AND NIGHT LONG and on a date night, you would just rather someone else make a freaking decision for once. At least, that's how I feel. I really don't care where we eat as long as I'm not cooking, so YOU pick it!

    Great post!

    http://amysreallife.wordpress.com

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