Friday, April 12, 2013

Oh NO he didn't!

Welcome to the secret subject swap!  The secret subject swap was created by Karen at Baking in a Tornado.  Please visit Karen's blog to see a full list of all participating bloggers. If you aren't familiar with the swap, each brave blogger picked a secret subject for someone else and were assigned a secret subject to interpret in their own style. Today we are all simultaneously divulging our topics and submitting our posts. 
My secret subject prompt was: I can't believe that man just______ 
It was submitted by Bad Word Mama 

A couple of years ago I was at home with the kids while my husband was at work.  I was knee deep in the throws of an ordinary day, which for me consisted of mountains of laundry to fold, dishes to wash, a baby to feed, a mess in the kitchen, etc.   Shortly after lunch the doorbell rang.  I peeked out of the blinds and saw the familiar outline of the brown UPS truck through the crack. It wasn't unusual for UPS to be making a delivery at our address.  I was a frequent Amazon shopper and bought many household items, including diapers and wipes.  In fact the busy Christmas season had recently ended and UPS was delivering packages to my house so often that I actually became pretty friendly with the UPS driver.  He was a young guy who was very friendly and not to mention, easy on the eyes.

However, this time when the doorbell rang, I was greeted by an unfamiliar face.  There was a new UPS delivery guy standing at my doorstep, but whatever. It really didn't matter. He verified my name and then handed me the oversized box of diapers and I set it down by my feet.  My toddler kept trying to make a run for the open door.  Peanut who just a baby at the time, kept crawling to my feet and attempting to pull himself up by grabbing a handful of my yoga pants.

Eager to shut the door so I could maintain some control of the kids, I reached for the electronic tablet where you sign your name.  And that's when it happened.  He asked me the dreaded question.  A question you never, ever, EVER ask a woman….

"So, you're expecting?"

I looked up at him confused.  Surely he didn't say what I think he just said!  Did he not see my infant son crawling at my feet?!

I somehow managed to squeak out, "Expecting what?"  The UPS man quickly replied with, "Another baby. You're pregnant aren't you?"

Stunned and mortified I racked my brain for something, ANYTHING to say during this horribly, awkward moment.  I wanted to scream.  I wanted to cry.  I wanted to punch him square in the nut sack! But I didn't.  Instead I shook my head and said, "I'm not pregnant."

But he didn't stop there.  Oh no! This time he held out his arms in front of his stomach, as if he was trying to create a make shift pregnant stomach (a huge, pregnant stomach I might add).  He said, "Oh my mistake. I thought you were pregnant.  You totally look pregnant."

By this point I was done.  I gave him the most disgusted look I could possibly muster and pretty much slammed the door in his face.  I was shaking, trembling, and heartbroken.  I know it sounds silly to some and I should've just shrugged it off and went about my day.  But, i'm sensitive and I was already feeling a little (okay a lot) self conscious about my less than perfect, post baby body.  I mean I have had five kids. FIVE! And it's not that i'm that big (well I am now, but I wasn't back then).  I was in fairly decent shape considering that I had recently given birth not that long ago.

I called my husband and sobbed into the phone.  I told him the details word for word.  I was crying so hard that I was a blubbering hot mess of hormones and despair.   My husband was my hero that day.  As soon as we got off the phone with each other, he looked up the customer service number for UPS and asked to speak to a manager.  The first person he spoke with was a female customer service rep.  My husband briefly explained the situation to her, and the first thing out of her completely horrified mouth was, "Oh NO he didn't!!!!" in reference to the jackass of a UPS driver.

I have no idea whatever happened to the UPS driver, or if his manager actually talked to him or not, but I do know that he never came back to our house again.  


  1. Holy Crap!!! What an ass. That's why I always tell my man, keep your mouth shut around women. You always put your foot in your mouth.


  2. I'm trying not to laugh but OMG, leave it to a man to not stop at just saying the wrong thing, but going on to make it worse.

    Your husband is my hero too!

  3. OMG ... what a pig! I hope he got a serious tongue lashing from his female boss! {Let's hope he had one!}

    (¸¤ Lanaya | xoxo

  4. Who does that??????

    That is horrible!!!! I'm not sure what I would have done. I might have lost my self control and found a million ways to insult this guy right back.

    Not the right thing to do obviously, but he would have deserved it!!

    What a jerk!!

  5. I was thinking in my sassy girl voice "Oh girlfriend, no he di-int!" as I was reading this! Some people... I hope he got reprimanded!

  6. Stupid, stupid man. He mustn't have had a wife to teach him. I'm surprised he didn't ask if he could touch your tummy. Good for your husband and for the lady who made sure that man didn't come back.

  7. Stupid, stupid man. He mustn't have had a wife to teach him. I'm surprised he didn't ask if he could touch your tummy. Good for your husband and for the lady who made sure that man didn't come back.

  8. Your husband is my hero now too.

  9. Oh my GAWD I know I shouldn't laugh but I am ONLY because it has happened to me so many times I've lost count! What the hell is WRONG with people? And what made me laugh harder was your response--"Expecting what?" That's frikkin' awesome and I need to remember that next time somebody pokes my belly and asks if I am pregnant. The last time it happened to me was right after I turned 48 and I was at a clinic with my sister. The damn NURSE asked how far along I was! My sister snickered and said, "Look at the bright side--at least she thinks you look young enough to have a baby!" Nowadays the only thing I'm lugging around is a food baby--this one just doesn't want to be born..... Hey, this post was hilarious--one of my favorites today. You ROCKED your prompt!! I'm going to be smiling all day....

  10. Your husband is soooo my hero right now! I can't believe that!!!! And it was bad enough with the first comment, but to continue to dig that hole - he must have made it to the other side of the world with the shovel! Love your prompt response!!!

  11. I lurvvvee your husband!! What a fantastically awesome guy. *sniff* And yeah, Karen's right - they just keep going. It's funny now, but I'm sure it was horrifying at the time. Kind of like life. :)

  12. AWFUL, HORRIBLE & DISPICABLE all at the same time! YOU POOR THING!!!!
    SHAME ON THAT MAN!!! and all other men who crossed your path that day! LOL!

  13. My youngest is 3.5. I'm a big girl...always have been. I am fixed, 3 kids being enough for me.
    OMG it just makes me want to drop kick someone in the darn teeth......your pain...I'm feeling it.

  14. I kinda think you should've "punched him square in the nut sack". I bet that would teach him better than any reprimanding at work ;)

  15. Your husband is an angel!

    I'm a new follower from Mom's Monday Mingle.


  16. Love it! I'm one of your new followers, found you on the blog hop. Stop by and see me at


Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.