Wednesday, April 17, 2013

One word…LICE!!!!

Nothing, and I do mean nothing scares me more than these few little words, "Mom, my head itches."  Seriously I would rather hear there is a deranged serial killer on the loose who has a vendetta against stay at home moms of five, than hear anything about itchy scalps.

So now that you know where this post is headed, my 13 year old daughter came home from school yesterday complaining of scalp itchage. Crossing my fingers she just had an out of control case of dandruff, I nervously gritted my teeth as I had her sit under the lamp and I started picking through her massive head of hair.  No one and I mean no one has more hair than my 13 year old!  She has more hair than the members of the band Poison combined!

I didn't see anything at first and thought I was in the clear. However, upon closer examination, I saw a distinctive brown speck stuck to the hair shaft.  F me running backwards and forwards, we had NITS! NOOOOOO!!!!

I wanted to cry. I mean I would rather do the 30 Day Shred butt ass naked in Times Square than deal with another lice outbreak.  This is not our first rodeo with lice. My younger daughter brought it home from preschool several years ago.  Her entire class had a massive infestation.  By the time we realized she had lice, I had them, my older daughter had them, and we even found a few on my son who was just a toddler at the time and barely had any hair.  My husband is bald, so that lucky bastard has escaped unharmed.  After finding a nit last night, I briefly contemplated about just shaving off all of my hair and joining him.  Perhaps Sinead O'Connor was on to something!

Fortunately I think we caught this particular outbreak before it spread.  I don't seem to have it yet, nor does my younger daughter.  The boys definitely don't have it, and my bald husband has once again been spared.  He also doesn't have to deal with a monthly period.  So unfair!

Out of complete paranoia I covered my entire head with coconut oil and slept with a shower cap on. It was wet, cold, greasy, and awful.  I did the same with both girls.  There I was at 9 pm, digging into the coconut oil with my bare hands and slopping big white chunks of goo onto our heads.  I didn't take a picture.  You're welcome!!!

This morning I took off my shower cap expecting to see dead bugs, but there weren't any.  My younger daughter didn't have any either.  My older daughter didn't have any in the actual shower cap, but you could see a couple of dead bugs hanging off her head.  EWWWWW, so much for eating lunch today!

I tried to wash and dry my hair, but my head was so greasy from the insane amounts of coconut oil that I looked like I had taken a bottle of vegetable oil and just poured it over my head.  I got a brilliant idea to use dish soap on my hair.  Cause nothing says, i'm having a super fabulous day like bending over your bathtub and scrubbing your head with a bottle of cheap, crappy, apple scented Sun dish soap. The dish soap seemed to help because this time after I washed and dried my hair, I was actually able to dry it.  It's still a little slippery, but as long as it doesn't contain live bugs in it, i'll take looking like a Jersey Shore cast member any old day of the week!

I spent an hour and a half combing nits out of my daughter's hair in the backyard and tonight we'll treat her head again (this time with Lice Free spray as that stuff is amazing and not as messy as coconut oil). Then I get the pleasure of combing through her 10,000 lbs of hair looking for more nits.

It's a glamorous life I lead.  I'm sure Fergie had me in mind when she was singing, "The glamorous, the glamorous, oh the flossy, flossy."  Whatever the hell that even means is beyond me, but yeah, until she comes up with a song about a stressed out mom of five picking lice out of her children's hair in the backyard, i'll take it!

Now excuse me while I go burn all of the hair brushes in the house and wash the 900th load of laundry since yesterday.


  1. uGH not looking forward to that if my son catches it!

  2. Ok, I love you but I couldn't even read this post. Reading about it will give me the heebie jeebies...

    (¸¤ Lanaya | xoxo

  3. So sorry to hear. I feel so bad for you! Hopefully this will be last outbreak.
    Jae Mac, I'm Just Sayin'...(Damn!)

  4. If I promise your kids will never get lice again will you do the 30 Day Shred butt-ass naked in Times Square? We promise not to take pics (wink, wink).

  5. I am laughing so hard I have tears streaming down my face. My husband and my dog are looking at me with that "well the kids finally put her over the edge today" look. I am not laughing that lice made its way into your house again I am laughing at your ability to take something so gross (scratchy my head like crazy just writing this) as lice and turn it into something that surely could be used for the plot of a sitcom. The visual of you with the greasy head and shower cap was hysterical until I kept reading and got to the Dish Soap over the bathtub routine...even better!

  6. Aaaand now I'm itching! We suffered through repeat outbreaks when Baby Girl was in 2nd grade. I finally realized that her best friend was not being treated and they were sharing a cubby at school. I don't envy the combing for nits, it always killed my back!

    Best wishes!

  7. I totally sympathize and feel for you. My 12 year old daughter has brought it home from school a couple of times now, and both times I threatened to shave her entire head of extremely long and extremely thick hair.

  8. OMG I hate this post so much.
    NO offense.
    We have had two outbreaks in our home and it is AWFUL.

  9. You have my sympathies. My daughter had lice a couple years ago (she was a high school freshmen with almost waist-length hair) and it took three separate treatments to finally get rid of them. I consider it a shining Motherhood moment that I was able to comb and comb and come (did I mention comb) those freaking ugly wiggling buggers with what passed for a calm expression on my face. It was hell. Hang in there.

  10. OH NOOOOOOOO! I feel for you (I'm even stratching my head in solidarity). I'm also taking note of this whole coconut oil thing. Hang in there!

  11. My son had lice last year. There is nothing worse! It's so much work to sanitize everything. And picking through their hair, ugh!

  12. we had to deal with lice last summer and it horrific. I didn't get those evil bugs and I thanked God we were renting an apt with our own washer and dryer.

    I feel for you babe


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