Tuesday, April 30, 2013

When the decision gets made for you...

Today was rough and this probably isn't the hilarious post you were looking for, although there were definitely some humorous moments thrown into the mix. I had to see my gynecologist today. Why does that word still make me giggle?  Without getting too graphic, i've lost a ridiculous amount of blood in the last three months and it's not stopping. At all. I have an ultrasound tomorrow afternoon and there is a good chance I may be getting a hysterectomy at age 34.

I have so many mixed feelings and I feel like i'm on the verge of crying and just not stopping.  Here's the thing...I don't want anymore kids. I don't. But I don't like the idea of anything permanent being done to my fertility and that's dumb considering I have an antibody problem that would make me carrying a baby to term impossible. My last pregnancy was so high risk that it's ridiculous.  We are so lucky that Peanut survived the pregnancy and is healthy.

How silly is it for a mom of five to be crying about losing her fertility?  Especially when she has multiple medical problems including a serious autoimmune disorder/vasculitis and a million other issues?  But I am.  I'm crying because i'm officially closing that door forever.  I'm crying because I will never be pregnant again, I will never get to feel the excitement of finding out the baby's sex for the first time, or seeing the baby on the ultrasound screen, or the thrill of heading to the hospital to give birth.  And here's another thing I haven't shared, but I can't hold it back. I was recently pregnant and let's just say that things didn't end well and leave it at that.  And I keep thinking about how I could've been getting ready to deliver another baby in July, but instead i'll most likely be getting my reproductive organs yanked out and that hurts my heart in ways that I could never begin to describe.

I have many online friends (since it seems almost all of my friends these days live inside of my computer) who are pregnant or just had babies.  Heck, my sister in law who also happens to be one of my bestest friends (i'm lucky I have an awesome sister in law and not a sucky one), just gave birth a week ago to my newest adorable little nephew and i'm honestly thrilled for her! I have no ill feelings towards pregnant women or moms of newborns.  But i'll admit, walking out of the OB/GYN's office (the same OB/GYN that has been with me through two horrific pregnancies and deliveries and two recent pregnancy losses that have both occurred within the last two years), I suddenly felt very, very sad.  The waiting room was full of women with large blossoming bellies and there I was holding a stupid hysterectomy pamphlet in my hand.

I know that I can't have anymore kids. I know that I shouldn't have anymore kids. I know that I don't want anymore kids.  So what the hell is my problem?  Why can't I just be one of those women who has one or two (or even three) kids and is perfectly content being done.  Why do I have to feel this way?  My husband and I have big plans ahead and having another baby does not fall into those plans.  My dad always reminds me that I can't keep having babies forever and eventually I need to let them grow up so I can enjoy my remaining years and he's right.  I know he's right.  I just wish I could be happy but i'm sad and I know this is a bunch of crazy, rambling, mumbo jumbo and I apologize, but I just really needed to get this out so why not spill my inner most thoughts with thousands of strangers, right?  Geez.

So to lighten up the mood a little, my appointment was a 3 ring circus.  I had to bring my three and five year old sons with me.  I could probably just stop right there and you could use your imagination, but yeah, talk about a disaster!  The doctor has a bin full of germ infested toys in each exam room.  The boys immediately started fighting over a small Nerf ball as I tried to shout out my concerns over the chaos to the medical assistant.  She finally ended up taking the ball away as the boys were practically having a fist fight on the dirty, disgusting floor, and me yelling at them to "Knock it off" was falling on deaf ears.   So, I tell the boys the doctor will be coming in soon.  My son asks, "Have I met this doctor, momma?"  I explained to him that this was the doctor who delivered him and he looked at me with his big brown eyes and said, "You mean he dropped a package off at your doorstep?"  Um, sure, we'll just go with that!

By the time the doctor came in both boys were bouncing off the walls and it was time for me to get undressed so the doctor suggested the boys wait out in the hall.  Before they went out into the hall my five year old tells him, "I play about 50 hours of video games a day", which is not true at all. He hardly plays any video games at all.  Then of course after the doctor tells him, "That's not good. Video games will rot your brain. You should be playing outside" (which he does all day long by the way), he has to chime in again with, "And my brother sits and watches Barney all day" which is also not true as it's a miracle if you can even get Peanut to sit through one 20 minute show. The doctor gave me that look (you know the raised eyebrow look) and I grinned and said, "Boy these guys sure are making me look like mother of the year aren't they?" and the doctor cracked up as we have always joked around with each other. In my opinion you kind of have to joke around with a doctor after he's seen you in some compromising positions.

Tomorrow I have an emergency ultrasound.  This will determine which type of procedure I need done, but basically I will be having some type of permanent uterine procedure done in the next few weeks which will permanently end my fertility and endings are always the hardest for me.


  1. Know that you are not alone. I'm 34 as well and have been speaking with my doctors about my options bc of periods that are lasting months at a time and extremely heavy. The finality of it all stinks. I've got 5. I'm not having more but these decisions are final.

    We've also been discussing vasectomies and OMG. It's the finality of it all. There isn't a maybe left when things are final...

  2. Oh Kristen ... I am SO sorry. That sucks! My heart is aching for you. I'll be 33 this coming month and I can't even imagine having that door closed for me at such a young age.
    My mother went through it right about this age as well. My thoughts are with you!

    (¸¤ Lanaya | xoxo

  3. I'm so sorry you are going through this. You have every right to feel the way you do! I have found myself wishing lately that I too was one of those women content with two kids, knowing without a doubt that they're done. 37 is only a few short months away and the clock is ticking but my husband doesn't share in the "we should have one more" idea. Your post made me cry #1 because I so understand and #2 because it's not fair for anyone to have the choice made for them. Hang in there and find peace in those 5 loveable kids of yours.

  4. I hope your emergency ultrasound goes well.i do not understand how it feels, but know I would be upset if I was told I wouldn't be able to have more children. My

    P.S., your son must be a very efficient gamer or a time traveler to have 50 hours of videogame time a day! I'm impressed!

  5. ohmygosh....i'm so so sorry. this must be insanely hard to go through and i'm glad you have an awesome sil who you can really talk to...i wish we lived closer! we're also having the vasectomy talk, and though i know it's not the same as what you're going through AND i dont think we really do want more kids, it's still - like dani said - the finality. i'm not good at moving on...at embracing new stages of life...i'm awful at it. and i still think of the baby we lost in 2007 and i will always wish that had ended differently. i'm so sorry! i'm glad you could write about it though. hugs to you, friend.

  6. I am so sorry. Hubby and I have discussed it and we have decided that we won't be having anymore kids after the 2 we have and some complications during pregnancy with the last one. Well I was very sad for a while even though I know having anymore kids is a bad idea, I was sad at the fact that I won't feel kicks again, or have a beautiful belly, or give birth. Just this week I realized that I am now okay with this decision. I am excited about not having anymore diapers, having kids that can walk, not having a baby bag all the time, being able to just get up and go and not think about nap times. I was excited to have my body back, to get back in shape and be able to drink with friends this summer. I was excited to not have all that again. Then today I realized that I am 6 days late for my period!! I am usually a little off but never this off. I was scared. All my plans down the drain for this summer. I would be due just after Christmas and I was worried about ruining Christmas for my other kids. I was mad that I was just feeling okay about our decision to not have anymore and then I could possibly be pregnant!!! I went to the store today and took a test. It was negative. I never thought I would want to see a negative on a pregnancy test. That made me realize that I am really done. I guess I needed that.

  7. What an emotional rollercoaster. I had to have a tubal at 34 and there are so many months where I'm late where I actually hope that maybe I'm part of the 1% failure rate. Having the decision taken away, for me, was like waving a red flag in front of a bull. I might not have had more anyway, but I wanted to be the one to make the call. Thinking of you!

  8. You are SO not alone in your feelings! I have SEVEN kids plus TWO stepkids, I'm 38, we have a tiny house, and we're struggling financially. I know we're done having kids; I know it's the right decision and I know it's what's best. But's it's still so hard. Being a mom is my whole identity (for better or worse), so as the kids get older and move out, I struggle with the new stages of life. As Sue said, I'm not good at embracing it. Don't worry so much about whether your feelings make sense or not; they're yours and it is what it is. Big hugs to you <3

  9. (((HUGS))) you are not alone babe. My decision to only have one child was made for me. With infertility issues and several layoffs we can not afford another child. We had to get rid of our frozen embryos, which I considered our future babies. The fee for storing the embryos was needed for my son. I had to make the hardest decision of my life, one that still haunts me. I still wonder what they would have looked like. I

    Our son was in the NICU and it hurt so much to see all the other moms on the ward get their babies in their rooms and I had to be let into a secure locked room just to hold him for twenty minutes.

    You have every right to be sad and mourn, your emotions tell story, tell your love. Sending you positive thoughts and praying for you.

  10. I'm sorry. For the physical issues and the finality of the solution.
    I'd love to make some kind of joke to make you laugh, but there just isn't one here.
    I'd love to say something wise to make you feel better about the whole thing but I got nothing.
    So I'm sorry. That's all I got.

  11. Prayers ascending for you!

    Confession: I laughed at what your boys said to your doctor - I can imagine two little boys bouncing off the walls saying that! too funny.

  12. I'm glad you wrote this because it means you trust us - your readers and fans - but also because it is what you do so well. It's hard having your options removed for you, believe me, I know. But as your box at the end says, there's something else on the road ahead. I grieve for you and the loss of your recent pregnancy as well as the loss of your fertility. And I thank you for sharing the funny story of your kids at the visit. Gotta keep the humor.

  13. Any decision having to be made by force, is a hard one.
    I wanted more children but due to divorce and remarrying not fitting into my "schedule", I had my second at 37.
    I felt like that decision was kind of made for me too and it was really soul crushing hard to come to terms with.
    Big hugs my friend. :)

  14. I may not have experienced your situation, but my hurt aches while reading your post. I also have my own hardships and problems in life and still brave to face them no matter what happens. Just be strong, everything will surely be okay in their time and space, just stay firm.

  15. I'm 32 years old and I have 3 perfect kids...11, 6 and 10.5 months. We are done having any more and I recently had the Essure procedure done. It's where they put these 'coils' in your Fallopian Tubes. I bled and bled for quite some time after and it was very heavy so I decided to get an Endometrial Ablation done. They basically fried the lining of my Uterus. It didn't hurt at all and I was knocked out for both procedures with a recovery time only being the remainder of that day for the anesthesia to wear off. This is like making doubly sure I don't get pregnant ever again...which still makes me sad. I think I blocked my mind from even thinking about the concept because when I do, it really takes everything in me not to cry. My hubby and I both talked plenty about it, and we knew that 3 was a perfect number for us, but the finality of everything is what is hardest. It's been since February since my ablation and while I'm loving the 'no period' side of it, I still wonder the 'what if's'. It's never an easy decision, but know that there's tons of people out there to support you. Best of luck with everything!


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