Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Microwave Meltdown

This is a short and sweet (and completely ridiculous) post about my life.   I'm going to address it to Peanut since I want to drop kick him in the buttcrack right now.

Dearest Peanut,

I realize you are not quite three yet, but mommy has had enough of your daily microwave meltdowns.  Why oh why do you insist on pushing the button to open the microwave door and then you must be the one to close it.  And let's not forget that you have to be the one to press the start button.  If anyone else does this, you go ape shit crazy.  If you even hear someone opening the microwave door, you come tearing down the hallway, screaming like one of those annoying ass, famous (worthless) housewives on TV who just discovered they're out of Botox.  Why oh why when the microwave beeps do I then have to pick you back up (all 30 lbs of you) so that you can open the microwave and close it again?  Mommy's starting to look like a female bodybuilder with the ginormous biceps i've added from all the lifting.  Did I mention i'm not ready to go all the way with this, because I would not look good with a beard or a spray tan?  So please just stop it already!!!!

And by the way, is the microwave really that exciting?  Does it just add that certain special sparkle to your day?  Is there a reason your day is completely and utterly shattered if any of these steps are omitted?  I really don't get it, and believe me, I tried hard to put myself in your shoes. I mean I love the microwave just as much as you do. In fact I actually prefer it over certain members of my mother's side of the family to be perfectly honest. I rely on that microwave.  We've developed a very special relationship that microwave and I. And listen….I know your days are super stressful with all the endless hours of watching the Fresh Beat Band, playing with Playmobil on the floor, being waited on hand and foot by some taller, ugly looking woman who wears hideously beastly clothes and yells a lot.   I get it. Your life is rough.  But seriously, if you don't stop this behavior, I may just have to break the microwave, or learn to cook something that doesn't actually require a microwave, and that would really suck.

Your overworked, stressed out, Depo-induced, crazy biotch of a mother.  


  1. Phew. You scared me. When you said "microwave meltdown" I thought for sure you had burned out the microwave trying to make my Peppermint Bark and had taken a contract out on my life. Dodged that bullet. Sorry, Peanut, you're the one on the hot seat!

  2. We had a similar situation with some ribbon today. Dont tell me where to cut it, then ask it to be longer.
    I think you should make popcorn when he is asleep to tonight. And maybe hot cocoa too. I do.

  3. I think they see how we revere it, and therefore feel that they need to take control of it, just like everything else in our lives!!

  4. Pretend you looooove the broom until Peanut fixates on that then get a kiddie version just for the baby?

  5. Omg seriously? I was laughing so hard my coworker thought I had finally cracked. News Flash **I didn't**. You seriously crack me up with your posts...certainly makes my mornings a bit more sunny. =) Have a great microwave friendly day. ;)

  6. What is this all about anyway?? Reagan does the same crap and it pisses me off! Not with the microwave yet, with the bathroom...If she's not the first in their to pee, flush the toilet, turn the light off she has a fit!
    Kill me now!
    Let's ship our kids to Karen's place for a few days!


  7. Oh my God. You are so freakin funny I can't even stand it. Thank goodness my children haven't discovered the joy that is microwaving. Because that would just be one more things that piss me off on a daily basis. I'm already teetering on the line of insanity as it is!
    Tracy @ Momaical

  8. I think Peanut just like pushing the button. Can you get him some kind of microwave toy or kitchen stuff? I don't know, but I can understand why it is getting on your nerves.
    Jae Mac, I'm Just Sayin'...(Damn!)

  9. Very funny post!! My son loved pushing the button too and would get so upset if I didn't let him. Kids are crazy about certain things. Peanut will outgrow it though. I bet you look forward to that day!

    I am your newest follower! :) I hope you have a lovely and wonderful weekend!

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    Jean {What Jean Likes}

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  11. HI! I am your newest follower and found you on the blog hop. I was kinda, maybe, sorta hopin' that you would hop on over to my blog and follow me back! :-)



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