Monday, December 3, 2012

Why Depends should just sponsor my blog already

It was just another fun filled weekend at home with five wacky kids, one crabby husband, and a partridge in a pear tree.  The hubby and I were chatting in the bathroom again, because it really is the only time we get alone.  I sat down on the toilet to pee (i'm sure there's a more eloquent way to write this but it's Monday and I haven't had any coffee yet so take it or leave it).

All of a sudden I heard my hubby scream like a giant alien was coming out of the ceiling and was going to swallow me whole and take me back to the mothership.  Seriously, the look of pure terror on his face told me that my life was in danger and we were under attack.  He started screaming, "DON'T MOVE" at the top of his lungs.  I don't know about you but when someone yells that at me, the first thing I do is move. It's a natural instinct, at least if you're dysfunctional like me and can't follow simple directions.

I heard the words, "It's coming for you! Hold still" coming from my husband.  Right away my mind shifted to a couple of months ago when we seriously were under attacked by the biggest freaking spider I had ever seen in my entire life other than on the cover of National Geographic, or the Arachnophobia movie.  I will spare you the pictures this time since they seemed to upset some of my readers, but go read my Arachnophobes Look Away post from October if you're curious.

Not wanting to get eaten alive while half naked on the toilet I jumped off and ran screaming out of the bathroom.  My hubby had me so completely terrified that I totally failed to notice that I was still midstream and continued to urinate all over myself and the floor.  To make matters worse I tripped while I was running for dear life so i'm lying face down in the hallway with my pants down around my ankles, in a puddle of my own urine.  My hubby was jumping around the bathroom screaming over the vicious spider (who by this point had jumped down from his web and was crawling around on the floor) and the little kids were poking their heads around the corner trying to see what the commotion was all about.   When I finally saw the spider I became really upset.  This was not a Tegenaria Gigantea like before.  OH NO! This was just your typical run of the mill spider.  And he was little.  And not hairy or beastly at all.

He looked a little like this
I began to yell at my ridiculously arachnophobic husband as I unsuccessfully tried to untangle my pant legs and pick myself up off of the floor and then my husband got upset at me for being upset with him. He tried to say he saved my life and that I should be grateful, but it was very little consolation considering I was now covered in my own urine, my favorite pants were soaked, I had to take a bath in the middle of the afternoon and clean my bathroom floor which typically only gets mopped when company comes once a year (kidding…sort of).  The next time I hear the man screaming bloody murder and i'm on the toilet, i'm staying on the toilet, despite his desperate pleas for me to run to safety.


12 comments:

  1. lmao! i'm totally petrified of spiders! loll in San Diego there are these huge spiders that like to make GIGANTIC webs in BETWEEN Palm Trees and I would almost always have to watch where I'm going especially at night while trying to walk the dogs LOL it's horrible...one time I walked right into one...luckily the spider was elsewhere...or at least we think it was... >.<

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  2. Although I certainly appreciate the laugh this Monday afternoon, once again there is a picture in my head that I really did not need there (no, not the spider). . .

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  3. No joke, this might be the funniest blog post that I have EVER read. Oh geez, my face hurts from laughing so hard!

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  4. Funny. I'm sorry to hear that. You must have been really piss off at him LOL (couldn't resist). I can only imagine. I cannot believe that he is that terrified of spiders.
    Jae Mac, I'm Just Sayin'...(Damn!)

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  5. Ok depends totally has to sponsor me now! That's hilarious I can't stop laughing, I have tears literally rolling down my face. Well done.

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  6. My husband just asked me what was so funny, then saw I was reading a blog, and said, "Oh." That's how loud I was laughing. You can certainly paint a picture. Not one I particularly like in my head, but you can paint a picture.

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  7. OMG!!! I am terrified of spiders but I would not do that to you!!! :D

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  8. And this is why I love your blog! You are fearless in story telling! But my issue is I must read on the privacy of my own home as crazy laughter outbursts on my commuter train gets you stared down and spoken to :O. Oh piss off I say! LOL

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  9. That was funny. But I totally think raid or some spider killing company should sponsor you or have you do a review. I find it especially funny that your husband is scared of spiders too!

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  10. That's STILL hilarious! Thanks for hooking up to the Hump Day Hook Up

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  11. I would have freaked if my husband did that, and certainly would have made him wash the floor while I took a bath. Thankfully though, we have no spider fears here.

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