Monday, December 31, 2012

Why vegan cheese is not for me

I know I haven't blogged in a while. I've been recovering from Christmas, being in a ham induced coma (I have NO self control when it comes to pork products), and dealing with unruly children who really need to go back to school before mommy flips her lid.

Anyways, I've had some health issues lately that i've been neglecting.  I'm allergic to gliadin (a protein found in gluten).  I'm not supposed to eat it, but i'm lazy and I love crappy food.  Carbs, sweets, and McDonald's make me happy.  I'm not going to lie.  But in giving into my cravings, i've also been making myself sick.  My kids have a lot of the same issues. My hubby really shouldn't be eating gluten or dairy either, but that's like trying to tell a gorilla he can't eat bananas anymore.

I've been researching my little heart out about what it takes to go on a gluten and dairy free diet and what i've found is depressing.  I can't really eat fast food anymore. BOO. I have had to completely substitute stuff in my homemade mochas and grabbing a mocha at my beloved Dutch Bros isn't really possible anymore. Double boo poo poo.

Last night my hubby wanted pizza.  The kids and I have been gluten free before but never gluten free and dairy free.  I went to Trader Joe's and Winco and managed not to flip anyone off so i'd say I handled myself pretty well. Perhaps this new diet is starting to change my moods for the better….errr or not.  I did mutter the B word under my breath to someone who nearly ran me over at the cross walk on the way into Winco.

So after nearly dropping $1,000 on gluten free and dairy free food (okay I didn't really spend that much but good gravy this stuff isn't cheap!), I finally made it home.  By this point I was starving as we were out of all the good gluten free snack food at home so I think all I had eaten so far was a handful of dry Chex mix.  I started to make my GFCF (gluten free casein free) pizza on Udi's crusts which are gluten & dairy free and outrageously expensive and kind of resemble cardboard.   I slathered my fresh mushroom marinara sauce on the crusts and then I opened the Trader Joe's Vegan Mozzarella Style Shreds, which is supposed to be a non dairy substitute for cheese.  Oh the cheese.  Where do I start?  The smell of the "cheese" when I opened the bag nearly knocked me out.  My hubby said it smelled worse than a McDonald's Playland on a hot summer day.  Yes, the aroma of butt crack and feet.  Not a good combo.  I took a little bite and quickly washed it down with Diet Coke (yes, I realize Diet Coke isn't healthy but baby steps here people).  I was really hoping that it was miraculously somehow going to taste like real cheese and not rotten assholes after it melted.

Meanwhile my hubby headed out to Pizza Hut to buy himself and the older kids real pizza while I was left to cook the GFCF pizzas for myself and the younger kids.  When the timer beeped I anxiously pulled out my pizzas and gagged.  They smelled horrific.  And they looked even worse than they smelled.  I didn't get a picture because I was too busy vomiting (yes vomiting) in the kitchen sink.  I was literally gagging, choking and crying in the kitchen.  My expensive pizzas looked like a crime scene.  The cheese had morphed into this slimy, goopy, runny mess.  I know I could describe it better but my gag reflex is actually going off right now while i'm typing.  If you picked up a piece of pizza the cheese just dripped and oozed right off and not in a good way.  Like a freaky science experiment gone bad kind of way.  I took a tiny bite and immediately spit it out and I was back at the sink puking.

Then I got pissed!  My expensive dinner was a pile of diarrhea.  What was I going to feed the boys? I started to panic.  So I grabbed a giant pizza cutter and picked up the pizzas one by one and literally just scooped everything off the crusts.  The cheese just ran right off the pizza like water.  What was left on the tray will forever haunt my dreams and give me nightmares.  Seriously.  Luckily I had some pizza sauce left so I spread new sauce on the Udi's crusts and added real cheese (yes, i'm a bad girl but after what I went through I didn't care at this point).  I cooked the pizza and the boys loved it, however, I could still taste the "vegan cheese" remains that had oozed into the crust.  So I sat down on the couch with a slice of Pizza Hut pizza on my plate.  I gave my hubby the look and said, "Yes, I know i'm not supposed to eat this, but I really don't give a shit right now".  I was trembling and shaking.  He just shrugged and said, "Okay, whatever."  However, I wasn't okay. It was the straw that broke the emotionally unstable camel's back.  I started picturing that runny, disgusting cheese snot and I dropped my plate and ran into my bedroom and threw myself on my bed and sobbed like the world was over, like Diet Coke didn't exist anymore, like Dutch Bros was bankrupt, like donuts were suddenly prescription only and you had to meet a $1300 deductible before you could buy one.  Yeah, kinda like that.

My hubby ran into the bedroom to see what was wrong and just stood there kind of stunned.  He waited a minute and then was like, "Really babe? Over some cheese? I really hope you blog about this, because this is freaking hilarious.  You really need to get a grip."

After I stopped sobbing and doing the Nancy Kerrigan, "WHYEEEE me?" routine, I managed to eat my Pizza Hut pizza (yes, covered in gluten, dairy and pure deliciousness) and then I started to see a little bit of humor in the situation.  That said, Trader Joe's is still getting an earful from me.  Oh yes, they are!


  1. Wow! I feel for all the people out there that are on gluten free diets. I don't think I'd survive!

  2. How do they take the dairy out of something that is made completely out of milk? I'm gagging just thinking about it. Poor you. I'd be crying right there with you if I couldn't have cheese. Stupid gliadin allergy.

  3. oh no!!! I can't imagine how bad it was, but so sorry that you had to go through so much effort for nothing!! Hopefully, you will find a better substitute soon!

  4. Oh honey, I'm so sorry you had to deal with that.

    Whilst it may not seem like a big deal to someone outside of the situation it becomes a very big deal to the one who has to give up everything (or so it seems). Question: Is it all cheeses you are allergic to or just the ones which are made from cow's milk?

  5. I have been gluten/grain and mostly dairy free for about 6 mths now. It's working well. I found out early that the trick is to NOT ry to replace those products with substitues but find nicer stuff you like. If you must eat pizza you can make a crust out of caulifower. I kid you not and it's not bad....
    Rather than GF have you looked into paleo eating.... I promise you'll never miss out again.... AND YOU CAN HAVE AS MUCH BACON AS YOU WANT!

  6. OMG, Rotten assholes!!!!!!!!!! I will be laughing for weeks on this, and I can only imagine what that "cheese" was really like! I understand the crying over dietary restrictions. I have 3 kids under age 6, they all have very different tastes (i.e. none of them all like 1 kind of food, except pizza-so I can't live without that) I have U.C., so I have to stay away from my triggers-soda, caffeine, and too much oil/grease. But, I can't. So, I don't. And whatever, I'll die drinking coffee, eating bacon, and trying to eat healthy all in between :) I feel if we were neighbors, we'd be instant friends. LOVE this blog-keep up the funny!!!

  7. Trader Joe's vegan cheese is an extremely poor ambassador for vegan cheeses. Daiya vegan cheese comes in shreds and soft blocks and is delicious. The yellow Daiya shredded style (cheddar style) is the best flavor for pizza. Bob's Red Mill makes a gluten free pizza crust mix that you mix up at home, and it is very good, a hundred times better than Udi's.

  8. LOL! You have me dying over here! You are sooo funny!

    I so feel your pain. There are few things more depressing than not being able to eat comfort food. We are a vegan family who HATE vegan cheeses! They suck big hairy balls! Don't try Daiya. You will HATE it! Try cashew cheeses...much better. I make a yummy cream cheese from cashews and soy yogurt. Also, keep your eyes peeled for the new line of nut cheeses by Kite Hill (Google it). There are better vegan cheese options on the horizon for you--don't worry.


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