Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Grocery Store Offenders

There is nothing on this earth I hate more than grocery shopping.  Okay I take that back. The Kardashians really piss me off for some unknown reason and no, I don't watch their crappy show.  I would rather watch Fred the Movie in Dolby Surround Sound while strapped to a dentist's chair.  Like any good procrastinator I will put off my shopping until the absolute last minute, when the husband calls and asks me what's for dinner and my response is, "Um, well, we could have some instant mashed potatoes with grape jelly".  Yeah.  Since that doesn't go over well with the hubby it's off to the store I begrudgingly go.  Oh and I must add here that I rarely ever take my children with me.  I have teens and they owe me for being their usual charming selves and that includes occasionally watching their younger siblings.   If I did temporarily lose my mind and decide to take the younger kids, I would be stuck at the store for 3 hours instead of 2, and I would most likely come home with a lifetime supply of Spongebob shaped fruit snacks, Ding Dongs, a jumbo sized bag of water balloons, and 10 gallons of ice cream in every f@cking flavor of the rainbow because the kids couldn't agree on just one (or even two).

To really put the icing on the cake, our closest and cheapest grocery store is Winco.  If you're not familiar with Winco, then you are one lucky mother!   Winco is pretty gross (groat as our 2 year old says for gross).  It's the Walmart of the grocery world.  It doesn't take long to figure out exactly why Winco sucks as bad as it does.   As you make your way across the parking lot, you'll step over some sleeping bums napping outside of the entrance and right into the cart pit.  Now I don't know if there is a correct term for the room that holds the shopping carts but i'm going to call it the pit because it seriously is one.   These carts are older than dirt, filthy, no plastic handle cover on the handlebar so you're basically holding onto exposed metal, no seat belt straps and even if they did have straps you would be a brave soul to touch one of them with your bare hands let alone touch your child's skin (another excuse to leave your kid home), and not a single freaking one of them actually works properly!    I would be willing to bet that these carts were the rejects that ended up in the grocery cart junkyard and the executive at Winco was like, "Great you'll give me all of these for $10?  It's a deal!"

Once you make your way out of the pit, the inside isn't much better.  The people of Winco are an experience of their own.   No, not everyone who shops at Winco is a mutant, and if you're reading this post then you are most likely exempt because A) You own a computer or smart phone and can access the internet. B) You can read.  C) You know what a blog is.

These are the main type of Winco offenders that really irritate me the most.  And no it's not a big list as i'm not that big of a bitch:

*The Pajama Couture Crowd:   If this is the one and only outfit you own, perhaps you should stay home and figure out what went wrong in your life:




*The Cock Blockers of the Aisle: You turn down an aisle and you see someone with their cart strategically placed right smack in the middle of the aisle.  You wait patiently for a minute and maybe even give an awkward smile and say "Excuse me".  However, the cock blocker of the aisle doesn't respond and continues to flat out ignore you.  After the 2nd or even sometimes 3rd "excuse me" if the jackwagon still refuses to move I decide it's time to play bumper carts and I will just ram your cart out of the way. I just don't have the time or the patience for this level of doucheness.

*The Deli Counter Creep: You're standing at the counter for what feels like an eternity when the grumpy, disgruntled "I really hate this job" deli employee finally appears from the back (what they do back there I don't even want to know considering they handle my meat).   You're just about to open your mouth to order when some creep walks up from behind you and says, "Yeah i'll take……"   I don't tolerate this type of behavior very well, and have been known to put this kind of offender in his (or her) place quickly.  My ranting typically resolves the problem and I get waited on first, but if not then watch out because I will hunt you down and accidentally ram the back of your leg with my cart for being a douchenozzle. Towanda!

*The Check Writer:  I feel a little bad including this one because I do respect my elders (unless they are driving and then i'm scared shitless). I get that sometimes you have to write checks (I do too for a couple of things), but do you really need to write a check at the flipping grocery store?   As if the line isn't long and slow enough at this horrible store now I get to wait for grandma to dig through her rabbit hat of a purse to find her check book and then proceed to ask the check out person every single question known to man like "What store am I in again dear?", "What year is this?", "What's my name?" By this point i'm scanning through the Tic Tac display to see if the makers of Xanax have finally wised up and are selling their product over the counter.

*The Beer Guy: I don't know why I threw this one in here but there's something about a guy standing in line wearing running shorts, a tank top & tennis shoes and holding a case of beer under his arm that just irritates me.

And this reminds me.  I need to go grocery shopping tonight…sigh.



  

25 comments:

  1. Too funny-I want to stab the check writer right there ! Loved this post!

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    1. Thanks :) I internally groan whenever I see someone pull a pen out of their purse!

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  2. I ALMOST PEED!!!! best post evet in all the world :) Towanda Team UNITE!!! You bee charmer, you.

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    1. Hahaha! Thank you! I hope you didn't pee yourself! I'd be proud to be on Team Towanda with you!

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  3. OMG, this is way too funny! I have learned after living in NYC to just get out there and push. I used to joke when I first moved here (from Oregon) I was completely offended, all the time for at least the first 2 years. But NY'ers don't notice your 'offended' look. Doesn't register. So unless you 'sharpen your elbows' and start blocking like a pro .... you're going to get 'douchenozzled' MAN I love that term. Sooooo going to use that!

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    1. That's hilarious! I would have a tough time living in NY then because i'm constantly using my scowl to make my point!

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  4. I can't stand the cock blockers of the aisle, they are the worst. They act all innocent like you haven't been standing there for twenty minutes saying excuse me 1,001 times. HISS!

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    1. YES! Exactly! Then they get all pissy when you move their cart out of the way. Gee, I suppose I should just sit for an hour waiting for your arse to move! UGH!

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  5. Literally laughed out loud reading this.
    And this list is exactly why I avoid the nearby Wal-Mart as much as possible. I cringe just thinking about going in there!

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    1. Oh yeah, Walmart is a gem isn't it? Winco is right there with it!

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  6. Ha! I hate hate hate the grocery store. I would rather get the lady waxed than go. We go to the pile of shit ones too and while I commend them on not discriminating every single one of those cashiers have some sort of mental issuen. I AM DEAD SERIOUS. They are sweet but for god sakes do not hold up every dollar bill I hand you and feel the edges of my coins to make sure they are real, it takes forever to check out

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    1. Hahaha @ the lady waxed part! Oh and I totally hear you on the cashiers!

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  7. I completely understand the hatred of the grocery store...and Walmart. My biggest problem is that I always seem to be cut by someone from a nearby farm town. And as farm towns seem to be bereft of food, they need to buy $800 of groceries for how ever many children and cows they have. My 10 minute shopping trip just turned into an hour and a half.

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    1. I feel your pain with the hour and a half shopping trips! Not fun at all!

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  8. I hate grocery shopping. I even hated it when I was a kid. We have the cockblocker duos here. People stand in the aisle, cart to cart chatting about the weather while people line up on either side trying to get by. Oh yeah, the same people in cars will do it at a stop sign too. ANNOYING! Sorry you had to go to the store today. I weep for you, seriously!

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    1. YES, I almost posted about the double cock blockers! LOL!!!! Nothing drives me crazier!

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  9. But... you don't have to go with your children. ;)

    Grocery shopping sucks.

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    1. Ah yes, but I put in several years of taking screaming, tantruming, arguing kids to the grocery store! It wasn't until my oldest was about 14 that we started having him babysit.

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  10. That looks like the greatest outfit ever. I WISH it was the only one I owned!!

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    1. It is kind of awesome in a way! I had a hard time finding a pic of the outfit that is pictured in my head.

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  11. a great post -- very funny. no check writers or beer buyers in our Canadian grocery stores. Maybe you should consider a move?!

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  12. I'll do your grocery shopping......not that I love it but because of, well just because, I have to use one of those scooters. Yes, I do bring wipes! I get dirty looks for it but if I get cockblocked in the aisle and a couple of polite 'excuse me's doesn't work I happily use the horn...or beepy thing....or loudly suggest that if they can't move their cart I certainly can.

    Towanda!

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  13. wait a minute i'm the girl going to the grocery store with my pjs!!! hahahahah ...j/k i'm not THAT bad lol i honestly can't imagine having to go grocery shopping for a big family...and i can't imagine a grocery store worse than walmart....i'm so sorry lol hope you didn't forget anything at the grocery store and have to go back!

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  14. Yes the "cock blockers of the aisle" are the absolute WORST!!! They always manage to find the point EXACTLY in the centre of the aisle, and they always walk reeeeeaaaaallllyyyy slooooooowly. Drives me insane. I wish grocery carts came with a horn because I have major road rage in the grocery store. Everybody pisses me off there.

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  15. Wow, sounds like you are shopping at my grocery store?! Just this week some lady wrote a check in front of me and she was under 60! What the hell is that?

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