Sunday, September 9, 2012

What's the opposite of a soccer mom? ME!!!!

Why I find some (notice I didn't say all) soccer parents repulsive: 

The mother f@#king fold out chair.  Everyone has one.  I repeat. EVERYONE has one.  If you don't have one, then you are a loser of epic proportions according to the laws of a soccer parent.   When I arrived at the field yesterday, my eyes immediately focused on the nauseating sea of multi colored fold out chairs, lined around the field.  And here's a little tip for virgin soccer moms like myself, do yourself a favor and figure out how to use these mother f@#king chairs before the game, so you're not stuck fumbling around with the bag like an amateur and getting those "she must be a first timer" looks.   I just might have said a few bad words under my breath as I tried to dig the damn thing out of the bag.  


To the clueless dad who walked up to me and asked me the game score, this really makes me snort. Out of all the gung ho soccer parents to ask, it cracks me up that you walked up to the one and only chick knee deep in her iphone to find out the score.  Iphone addicts typically make lousy scorekeepers.  However, do feel free to ask me what my current Twitter follower count is, or the URL to my blog.  These are questions I can and will happily answer.  

To the chick sitting on my left with 3 kids, please stop trying to get my attention by being annoying.  Do you really need to repeat every single f#@king thing your kid says and then look around for confirmation?   I heard your whiny ass kid the first time.  I was choosing to ignore him.  If I didn't give you or your kid attention after the 10th obnoxiously irritating thing that you said, it's probably not going to happen within this lifetime so please give it up already and just stop talking. And, please for God sakes!  Pop an allergy pill in that kid's mouth before the next game!  Your kid walked right up to me and sneezed all over me and you said nothing, but yet you couldn't seem to shut your mouth prior to the sneeze heard around the world.  There's a reason most of my friends live inside the computer.  I was a shy child, a shy teen, and someday i'll be the shy dinosaur at the bridge table in the old folks home with no friends.  It's how I roll.  And no, I will never ever be interested in joining your monthly bunco club…shudder.  

To the douchenozzley dad sitting to my right (in a fold out chair with a canopy I might add). If you are trying to break the world record for who can scream the loudest, congrats you just won!  But please don't ask me, "I'm not bothering you, am I?" because my answer will be, "Yes, actually you are".   And, judging by the looks your daughter was giving you from the field, I think it's safe to say that she wasn't really amused by you either. 

The tunnel.  Oh the tunnel.  There is no way in hell that i'm clasping hands with a total stranger to form a makeshift tunnel at the end of the game.  And FYI, I saw the guy in the red fold out chair picking his nose earlier.  Have fun with that.  You can find me over on the sidelines kicking my fold out chair to death and then trying to stuff the remains back in the bag. 

Soccer season just started yesterday.  I think this needs to be a weekly thread.  







45 comments:

  1. lololol *hugs* thought you might need one after ur long rough day as a soccer mom! lol *giggle* anyways hope you have a better night and wondering if you ever got my message about the
    LIEBSTER AWARD that I am bestowing on you! Check out more info on my blog! xoxoox

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    1. Awww, thanks so much! I'm honored to accept!

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  2. OMG! I agree with you completely! I'm not a "Band Mom", my daughter is in band.; there's a big difference.Great post!

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    1. Exactly! Glad to see some people get it! LOL!

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  3. I thank the Lord my kids lack athletic ability. We did the soccer thing for the first few years. Each one of my children could be found playing at the opposite side of where the team was..Just wait until the moms starts one-upping it on snack week. You will definitely have to update during the season. The guy with the canopy made me laugh..BTW, our chairs were green.

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    1. I'm already scared sh#tless of snack week! I will definitely be posting when that time comes!

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  4. As someone who brought out the old lawn chairs the first season, I feel you. Those canopy ones are genius said no one ever (except my new neighbor apparently).

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    1. LMAO at the old lawn chairs! Knowing me I would've brought an old picnic blanket, but luckily my husband went to check out the field first and came racing home to grab the "fold out" chairs. Phew!

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  5. Weekly thread... Yes please!!!

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    1. Done deal! I'm already thinking of a few now, lol!

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  6. Thanks for forewarning me! I will not be signing up my kid for that...luckily, since I'm Asian, I'll get away with that!! :P
    Please do the weekly series though!

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    1. You're welcome! i'm definitely doing the weekly series. I'm already thinking of some new ones in my head that bugged me. Oh and yes….run far away from soccer! Eeeeek!!!!

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  7. Hi, stopping by from the Friday Chaos Blog Hop, i'm your newest follower and absolutely LOVE the blog. I'm new to blogging so would love a follow back? www.littlelovesblog.co.uk Thanks, Vikki xxx

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  8. I hate soccer season. I loved your post. I think there's a connection there.

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    1. Thanks Marian! I've never liked soccer either, and I was always glad that my kids showed no interest in it until this year. I can't believe i've made it almost 16 years as a parent and this is the first year i've been subjected to soccer!

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  9. I have never been so glad that my kids don't play soccer and instead spend all their free time playing video games as I am right now. ;-)

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    1. Lucky! I would gladly trade in the soccer ball for a wii remote!

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  10. Please make this a weekly thread; please! LOL

    I would have KILLED for a friend with your sense of humour when my kidling was wee...when I would 'mention' these things I always got the 'ohmygawdhowCOULDyounotworshiptheirdirtyfeet' looks. I did, and do, adore her but c'mon, my brain didn't get switched off for the duration!

    Oh, by the by, I may have mentioned you in my blog today...

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    1. I KNOW we would've been great friends because you are awesome! Thanks so much for mentioning me! Going to check it out now!

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  11. The tunnel? Really?! Crap, I've got so much to wrap my head around before my kids hit sports-age. LOL at this post and now stealing the term "douchenozzley" ;) Kept seeing you pop up on sites I follow, so decided it was time to check you out and follow you--very cool blog with very relatable stuff to say!

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    1. Thank you! Just commented on your ecards post. I'm a new ecards addict!

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  12. Too Funny and TRUE!!!! Definitely needs to be a weekly thread....

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    1. Thank you! I'm definitely making this a weekly thread! Love your blog name by the way!

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  13. My God, woman. I was at that game. I was sitting in a broke ass fold out chair, avoiding conversation by googling Randy Travis mug shots, and wearing a pissed off look. I do the same at all sports functions. And sometimes PTO meetings. And recitals. And Christenings. The list goes on.

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    1. Yep, to all of these things! LMAO at the Randy Travis mug shots! I know what i'll be checking out next Saturday!

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  14. I am a soccer mom with 7 years experience. And I think you just described me. Lolololol

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  15. HAHAHA! I love the post. Once upon a time long long a go I was you. Now I'm a full on soccer mom, fold out chairs, umbrellas, screaming at my kid what plays they need to do and who to cover. I don't know when I was converted but hopefully you'll be stronger than me lol.

    By the way, I HATE the tunnel! We've move on to the high-five line which I still avoid if I have no interest in touching the stinky little teens that tried to push my kid around.

    Stay strong and good luck! I look forward to reading follow up posts.

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  16. I feel your pain. My daughter attends a small private school where most of the moms are SAHM and can participate in various school activities. I work shift work and do not have the same opportunities.
    I have felt like the odd mom out for the last 8 years. There are a lot of those families dedicated to organic foods, hybrid cars and general granola practices. Guess where I am on that scale?
    I just keep telling myself that Kiddo is getting a great education.

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  17. This is why I discourage physical activity and peer bonding in my children. I am NOT doing the tunnel thing, I don't care how good sports are for their stupid self esteem.

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  18. I still have nightmares from my one week as snack mom when my daughter played one year of soccer a decade ago. I "goofed" and didn't bring oranges for half time. Who knew that was the thing to do? Well, all the soccer moms knew, but I had no idea. No oranges at half time, and they didn't approve of my end of game snack either. Some kids cried. Oh well.

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  19. LOL LOL LOL! LOVE this post! Can I be one of your "lives inside the computer" friends? I promise I don't have a fold out chair, and I definitely don't approve of anything that involves touching strangers' boogery hands. PS. Thanks so much for including me on your blog list! :)

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  20. Thank GOD my kids are older and I don't have to go through this crap anymore. One of my boys was in a really good boys choir for many years--the parents there were just as bad (believe it or not!) as soccer moms! They'd mouth the lyrics as the kid was up there singing, and try to "train"him in-between shows---singing vowels, etc. Their kids would be like 10 years old and the parents were already bragging about how they were going to get their kids into Juliard. The up-side to it? Not having to deal with the lawn chairs. I never would have fit in with the soccer mom crowd anyway--I had the cheap, aluminum fold-up chairs!!! Great blog post as always!!

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  21. It's my first season as a "soccer mom" with my 5 year old son, and let me tell you I feel your pain. While I do enjoy watching him and his sister play sports, I'm very much buried in my iPhone at the same time, and I do NOT want to bond with those other snarky, cliquey moms. And those damn chairs, UGH. Mine is new, so it doesn't want to fold up very easily and I fight with it every.single.time. We bought one for my daughter as well and I think i fought with it for ten minutes before i realized there was a button on the top of one of the legs i needed to push to get it to fold up. Talk about frustrating.

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  22. Hi! I'm a new follower from the blog hop! Come visit me whenever you get a chance! :)

    ♥ Shar
    http://sharmartinez.blogspot.com

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  23. Love it! I am a crazy hockey mom! But I am VERY welcoming. I even invite people to share my blanket. To sit on! Not snuggle with me. :)

    I'm visiting to offer an award! It's the Versatile Blogger award. Come visit my blog for the details.

    ~Dori @belljarvintage.blogspot.com

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  24. Douchenozzley - bahahahaha! Great word! xo
    Tracy @ Momaical

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  25. Oh man. I hope you survive the season. At least you will have plenty to write about! I can't wait to read more.

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  26. Totally know how it feels - although if my husband were a woman he would be a soccer mom - he keeps mini folding chairs in the girls' hockey bags. His latest obsession are the bleacher chairs. They have a strap and look like a purse - you must get one if there are bleachers! You would be such hot shit no one would dare talk to you!

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  27. LOVE the image of the dad with the chair-and-canopy. That's a hardcore mofo, that is.

    My oldest just turned 3 so we've only recently begun actual "lessons" and "sports" and "stuff". No stories to report yet, but given how much I detested those mommy-and-me classes we took when he was a baby, it's safe to say I'm going to hate organized sports, too.

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  28. OHMYWORD. I want to marry this post. The only reason i loathe my kids sporting events/practices is other parents who are tools, annoying, stupid, and loud. I am clearly none of those things. And i sit on a blanket with my toddler. Her blanket. Because i can't DO ITTTT with the stupid chairs. I can't. Even for the comfort. I'm thinking of looking for an inflatable couch with drink holders.

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  29. Weekly? I think you will need your blog-arapy more like once an hour!
    Thanks for linking up on the FIRST EVER Super Sunday Sync!

    Check out my Mommy blog at:
    www.dawnsdisaster.blogspot.com
    Visit anytime!
    {All follows are returned}

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  30. I was a dance mom who sat in her car reading. Talk about being a freak. I still have not bought any folding chairs, and every year say that I will. Yeah, I should do that.
    I'm a new follower from the blog hop.
    I'd love it if you'd visit my blog.
    Lisa
    akawest.com

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