Why I find some (notice I didn't say all) soccer parents repulsive:
The mother f@#king fold out chair. Everyone has one. I repeat. EVERYONE has one. If you don't have one, then you are a loser of epic proportions according to the laws of a soccer parent. When I arrived at the field yesterday, my eyes immediately focused on the nauseating sea of multi colored fold out chairs, lined around the field. And here's a little tip for virgin soccer moms like myself, do yourself a favor and figure out how to use these mother f@#king chairs before the game, so you're not stuck fumbling around with the bag like an amateur and getting those "she must be a first timer" looks. I just might have said a few bad words under my breath as I tried to dig the damn thing out of the bag.
To the clueless dad who walked up to me and asked me the game score, this really makes me snort. Out of all the gung ho soccer parents to ask, it cracks me up that you walked up to the one and only chick knee deep in her iphone to find out the score. Iphone addicts typically make lousy scorekeepers. However, do feel free to ask me what my current Twitter follower count is, or the URL to my blog. These are questions I can and will happily answer.
To the chick sitting on my left with 3 kids, please stop trying to get my attention by being annoying. Do you really need to repeat every single f#@king thing your kid says and then look around for confirmation? I heard your whiny ass kid the first time. I was choosing to ignore him. If I didn't give you or your kid attention after the 10th obnoxiously irritating thing that you said, it's probably not going to happen within this lifetime so please give it up already and just stop talking. And, please for God sakes! Pop an allergy pill in that kid's mouth before the next game! Your kid walked right up to me and sneezed all over me and you said nothing, but yet you couldn't seem to shut your mouth prior to the sneeze heard around the world. There's a reason most of my friends live inside the computer. I was a shy child, a shy teen, and someday i'll be the shy dinosaur at the bridge table in the old folks home with no friends. It's how I roll. And no, I will never ever be interested in joining your monthly bunco club…shudder.
To the douchenozzley dad sitting to my right (in a fold out chair with a canopy I might add). If you are trying to break the world record for who can scream the loudest, congrats you just won! But please don't ask me, "I'm not bothering you, am I?" because my answer will be, "Yes, actually you are". And, judging by the looks your daughter was giving you from the field, I think it's safe to say that she wasn't really amused by you either.
The tunnel. Oh the tunnel. There is no way in hell that i'm clasping hands with a total stranger to form a makeshift tunnel at the end of the game. And FYI, I saw the guy in the red fold out chair picking his nose earlier. Have fun with that. You can find me over on the sidelines kicking my fold out chair to death and then trying to stuff the remains back in the bag.
Soccer season just started yesterday. I think this needs to be a weekly thread.