Wednesday, September 5, 2012

When i'm old…okay older

My kids have been driving me to the brink of insanity lately.  This got me to thinking…..I can't wait to be a pain in my children's asses someday!  Every single one of them!

This is my plan of attack:

*I'm going to call them at 5:30 am every single Saturday for all the times they've woken me up at the butt crack of dawn on the weekends.  I may even do some accidental "butt dialing" in the middle of the night for shits & giggles.

*I'm going to somehow manage to spill some type of beverage on their brand new couch (or perhaps draw on their freshly painted walls).  Their future kids will be getting the large, multi colored Sharpie packs for Christmas from dear old grandma.  Payback's a bitch kids!

*I will make sure and stay with them while I have the stomach flu at some point in my old ass life.  Yes, mark my words, my children will be cleaning up MY puke (or pee if i'm really old) covered sheets at least once.

*I will buy their children the loudest most obnoxious toys I can possibly find and they wont be permitted to bring them to granny's house.   Oh and this goes for messy and almost impossible to clean up too!  They will be getting mega sized buckets full of Playmobil, Lego's (the small kind), puzzles with thousands of pieces, etc.   Playdoh will be a frequent gift, or if i'm really feeling feisty, FLOAM! Seriously, I don't know if any of you have been lucky enough to receive this awful, sticky, crap as a gift (or maybe you innocently bought it thinking it looked like fun), but the first time we opened up the package, it ooozed out all over onto our carpet and stained every piece of clothing and carpeting it touched.  I angrily threw it away and then said, "Which kid gave you that damn Floam for your birthday because they are never coming over again!"

*I will ask, "Are we there yet?"several hundred times or just randomly scream at the top of my lungs while riding in the car with them (perhaps i'll even chuck a shoe at their heads from the backseat while driving).  I can catch a flying shoe with one hand while still maintaining excellent eye contact on the road.  I've got skills.

*I will make sure to smear some peanut butter all over my hands and then give them a big hug while they are wearing brand new clothes (preferably black).

*I will jump and down screaming and crying while flailing my arms like a maniac while they are on an important phone call and then look at them like, "What?" when they get off the phone.  Oh yeah.

*I will yell, "Come wipe my butt" from the bathroom….Okay, no I wont, but damn this one is tempting!  Will someone please reassure me that I won't be wiping butts until the day I die?

*I will take a bath at their house and then leave water all over the floor (along with my dirty clothes and towel still lying on the ground).

*When (or if) my children ever invite me over to their house for dinner, I will wait until they have just sat down to eat and say, "Will you please get me something to drink?" (notice how I threw please in there to make it seem sincere?) Then when they hand me a glass I will say, "I didn't want this glass.  This one has red stripes on it.  I want the one with blue stripes" and I will throw a fit until they dump the liquid out of the red stripe glass and into the blue.   Then when they finally do get a chance to sit down and eat, I will ask them to get me random things, just to make sure that their food is completely stone cold before they get to take the first bite.

If I think of any others I will come back and add to the list.  

Okay, just thought of another one as i'm frantically searching through the house for my iphone….

*I will take their cell phone and find the most impossible, ridiculous hiding spot.  Perhaps the bottom of a toy box, the freezer (yes, this happened once), sandbox, etc.  Heck, maybe i'll even bury it in the backyard!  Oh and note to Peanut, you're getting your phone thrown in the toilet at least once!


  1. Too funny. You'll either have to come back and add to the list like you said, or make this a monthly posting. I can think of a ton of things just while sitting here laughing at your expense!

    1. Thanks Karen! That's a great idea! Maybe I will make this an ongoing or monthly posting, lol!

  2. Awesome! We tell our boys this type of stuff all the time about destroying their houses and cars someday. It makes them upset, but yet they still don't get what we're trying to say.

  3. You are so funny! I love it! Going to have to make my own list. :)

  4. My daughter put my phone in the dogs water bowl. I'm totally on board with this. What goes around comes around, right?

  5. Hahaha this is great!!! You just gave me some new ideas. I wrote a post a few months ago on this very topic--my kids are a bit older but they still deserve some karmic retribution. Check out "How To Annoy Your Children" on my blog site and it just might give you some more sinister ideas to add to your growing list!!! hehehehe!!!

  6. I'm DYING!!! This is probably the most magical thing i have ever read. It almost makes me excited to get old. But not really. But sorta.

  7. We recently visited an amusement park that featured a ride where the kid could "drive" a car while the parents rode in the back. My husband and I spent the entire ride kicking our 3yo's seat and yelling, "I'm hungry! I need the potty! Are we there yet? Open my window! Close my window..." and so on. It felt GREAT.

  8. Hilarious! I'll have remember some of these hen my kids get older!
    Visiting from Finding The Funny!


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