Friday, February 15, 2013

WWPD? Guest Post by My Brain On Kids


WWPD?
By: http://mybrainonkids.net/  

What would Peanut do?  I ask myself this question whenever I find myself in a tough spot.  I know it may seem sacrilegious, and it’s not like I don’t also ask what Jesus would do, but in the realm of behaviors and responses that are actually attainable…I go with Peanut.  I mean let’s face it, she’s real and honest and you know with a 100% degree of certainty that what you see is what you get.  Of course, it’s not that Jesus isn’t real or honest, but I mean…its Jesus.  I don’t see any burning bushes in my future, and it’s not that I don’t believe in miracles…OMG I don’t think I need to be all politically correct here.  I have a heart for Jesus…AND Peanut.  When I need to laugh, or feel normal (no offense), I pull up Peanut’s blog.  She never disappoints.  So when I heard from Karen @ www.BakingInATornado.com  that Peanut was having a rough time and needed some guest bloggers to entertain her legion of fans until she was back on her feet, I raced to the front of the line.  Okay, maybe not raced, more like plodded, and it wasn’t exactly the front of the line…probably closer to the back of the line.  I’ve never guest posted on anyone’s blog before, and this is Peanut!  Not that I don’t think I’m amazing terrific great… ok moderately mediocre but I’ll be honest, I was intimidated.  I mean, what if everyone is disappointed or hates me.  I’m a blogger, I need to be liked and noticed, revered and spotlighted, complimented and adored.  Is that so wrong?  I started and scrapped like a million posts, and finally I just decided to throw something together, not unlike throwing spaghetti against a wall and seeing what sticks.  Hopefully, I’ll keep you mildly entertained in Peanut’s absence, but really I’m aiming low here.  Actually, my strategy is to make you miss Peanut even more, so when she’s back in Peanut form and whipping out one great amazingly hilarious post after another, you will all appreciate her even more.  I’m doing a public service really, so be kind.

Of course, I should probably introduce myself.  I blog over at http://mybrainonkids.net/ .  I have 4 kids, ranging in age from 7-18, three girls and one boy that we’ve dubbed “man-child.”  I’m happily married, and might be sort of known for having a mild sorta kinda crush on Adam Levine, the front man for Maroon 5.  If you’re not terribly busy, and you don’t completely hate me, or even if you hate me…I’m not picky, it would be great if you could head on over to twitter and tell @adamlevine to follow @mybrainonkids.  I know it probably seems insensitive to plug my stalker obsessive friendly overtures toward Adam on Peanut’s blog while she’s waging a war with her vagina and other body parts and functions, but believe me when I tell you she would want this for me.  It might even make her feel better, so really you’re doing it FOR her.  I’m a giver.  Always thinking of others.  It’s my best quality.  I know it also seems weird to state that I’m happily married and then follow it up with an admission of lusty ambition toward Adam Levine, but the two aren’t mutually exclusive.  Doesn’t every marriage have “get out of jail” free cards?  You know, if you meet that one person that you both know you’ll never actually meet and that one person actually wants to get jiggy with you then under the bylaws of the “free card”, you could completely give in to the underbelly of sexual desire and marital infidelity without it actually counting?  Right?  Everyone does that?  If not, you should try it, it’s very liberating.  My husband currently holds Blake Lively on his free card #1 spot…in case you were feeling sorry for him.  It used to be Scarlett Johansson, but he decided somewhere along the line that dirty sexy was better than dumb and beautiful.  I assume Scarlett isn’t a candidate for Mensa.  I mean, I could be wrong…  She is very pretty; I just never got the smart vibe from her.  It’s not like Adam isn’t without his share of flaws, but really…who cares.  Eye candy doesn’t have to be mentally stimulating, just a feast for the eyes.

So anyway, that’s a little about me.  I’m actually not all that interesting, except in my own mind.  What we all have in common, if nothing else, is our love for Peanut Layne.  I can’t even imagine dealing with everything she’s got going on right now, and I’m very worried for her, thinking of her daily and sending warm thoughts her way.  I would even share Adam with her…that’s how deep my love and admiration goes.  She is by far one of the funniest ladies I know, and she blogs what everyone else is only thinking but doesn’t always have the guts to say!  She is also very courageous and strong… I mean, I could go on for days about all the things I adore about Peanut.  I get a yeast infection and I’m crying out to Jesus, mixing Vagisil/Monistat cocktails and wearing an ice pack in my granny panties.  When it comes to pain tolerance, I have no equal as far as having absolutely ZERO tolerance for pain or discomfort of any kind, so I have no words when I think of what she deals with on a daily basis with this coup her body is staging against her.  If that weren’t enough to deal with she’s homeschooling her Kindergartner right now.  My hat is off to you homeschool mommas!  Seriously, you are talking to a mom who counts reading a dinner menu as logged time for man-child’s 1st grade reading log.  Don’t be judgy.  Have you read with a 1st grader lately?  Oh. My. God.  It’s torture.  Pppppp aaaaaaaaa tttttt Pat! (And that took like 30 seconds for each sound…kill me now please).  I cry when the books his teacher sends home have more than 3 words per page and are more than 3 pages in length.  And I LOVE to read, just not with children.  I love reading TO him, but sitting there while he reads, I’d rather have a yeast infection quite frankly.

I miss Peanut.  Who else can I discuss anal itching with who won’t get offended and unfollow me on twitter?  (true story)  My wish is for her to feel better, and kick the ass out of this autoimmune disease.  I never have to worry that I might overshare with Peanut.  For example, I could tell her that I might have accidentally “vag farted” in front of my husband the other day, and she would make me feel better about it!  She would have me laughing hysterically at my embarrassment and discomfort, and she’d probably have an even better story about vag farting (because who doesn’t, let’s be honest).  Of course, she could be reading this right now, thinking “I’ve never vag farted in my life!” and then I’d feel all awkward, but then she would sense I’m feeling awkward and she would find an equally embarrassing story to tell, if there is anything more embarrassing that having a gas leak from your vagina while you’re trying to sexy dance for your husband.  By sexy dance, I mean I had my leg propped up on the arm of his chair while dry humping his thigh and asking how bad he wanted me right at that moment.  So yeah…like he wouldn’t totally hand me over wrapped in a red bow for Adam Levine tomorrow if he could.  Now I’m feeling uncomfortable in the glaring spotlight of my overshare.  WWPD?  She’d laugh and tell me to get over myself; at least my vagina isn’t on fire and I’m not in mortal combat with my intestines for a good poop.  I mean really, what’s a little gas by comparison!

I guess what I’m trying to say in 2000 words or less, is that we love you and miss you Peanut and you need to get better soon!  Hopefully, I’ve managed to wrangle at least a half-smile out of someone during your absence, or made your faithful followers all the more eager for your speedy return!

Remember, WWPD?  It helps.  Trust me.  When in doubt, go back and read through her archives.  She’s brilliant, and if I don’t get at least one “follow @mybrainonkids @adamlevine” out of this, then all is not right with the world!

Sincerely and with much love,
My Brain on Kids        
       

5 comments:

  1. You are so NOT mediocre, my friend My Brain on Kids. And you are a great friend. Love this post and love that you did this for PeanutLayne. We all miss her, but second best thing to coming to her blog and finding her is coming to her blog and finding you!

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  2. I don't know about everyone else reading today's post, but I, for one, am THRILLED that your vagina is not on fire. :)

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  3. You........made me have to dry my monitor.

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  4. You really are so funny and a delight to read! You make me snort laugh, which sounds gross but when I do it it's sexy ;) we miss you Peanut! Thanks for letting me visit!

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  5. You really are so funny and a delight to read! You make me snort laugh, which sounds gross but when I do it it's sexy ;) we miss you Peanut! Thanks for letting me visit!

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