Tuesday, October 16, 2012

A candy bar has many meanings

My husband made me promise i'd blog about this today and since I do make fun of him every single chance I get, I kind of owe him one. So this one's for you my hunk of burning love!

Yesterday I went grocery shopping. What a shocker that a mom of five spends three quarters of her adult life going to the grocery store. I'm on a first name basis with most of the employees. Pitiful really, but with two teens we go through food like toilet paper and considering we really were out of toilet paper (and napkins as that's our back up), I had no choice but to go shopping.  My hubby and I have this thing where we always buy each other a candy bar when we're at the store. It's kind of a way to say, "I love you" but also, "I really just want a candy bar for myself, so i'm buying one for you too so I don't have to listen to you bitch while I eat my candy bar in front of you."

Last night was pouring down rain and icky and my girls had soccer practice in the torrential downpour which meant that they came home smelling like wet dogs and asshole. I was so busy giving them baths and fixing dinner at midnight (kidding, it was more like 7), that I totally forgot about my hubby's candy bar that was stuffed down in my purse until the kids were passed out asleep. I walked into the bathroom and handed my hubby his candy bar (yes, while he was on the toilet) Is that wrong? We've been together for so long now that we are totally comfortable enough to hang out with each other while in the bathroom.  I know marriage experts tell you to NEVER EVER do this, but with five kids, this is one of our only options for quality alone time, so we're making it count, dammit! I also believe this is a sign of true love, or perhaps it's just completely repulsive and sick, but either way, it's really not a big deal to us.

This is the conversation that took place after I handed over the candy bar:

J- Oooh, I think someone wants to get some tonight.

Me- NO! (oooops, did I really just say that out loud?)

J- (hysterical laughter) OH I see. So this is the "I don't want to get any tonight so here's a candy bar instead?"

Me- Well, no. Actually it was a "I really just wanted some Junior Mints, and was trying to justify my purchase, but we can go along with your theory."

J- You really should blog about this.

Me- Why would you want me to blog about turning you down for sex? Doesn't that go against every code in the man handbook? You never admit when your wife turns you down?

J- Yeah, but it's pretty damn funny that you tried to buy me off with candy.

Later that evening I was curled up on the couch, wrapped up like a burrito in a warm, fleecy blanket of wonderfulness, when my persistent hubby decides to climb on top of me and dry hump my blanket covered behind.  Do all men do this or am I just the lucky chosen one who gets dry humped on a daily basis? Anyways, I immediately shout out, "Babe, get off! I'm gassy", which was totally true as I really was gassy after dining on spicy turkey dogs and barbeque chips just a couple of hours prior.  J slid off of me onto the floor laughing. "I know, I know" J said. "Let me guess? You are gassy, bloated, constipated, your cooch is most likely bleeding and smells weird, your fibromyalgia is acting up, your legs hurt and are way too hairy because you haven't had time to shave them, and your vagina looks like something straight out of the Jungle Book.  Did I miss anything? Oh and you have a headache. I almost forgot that one."

29 comments:

  1. Hilarious, girl!!! Is it sad that after reading your post I still crave Junior mints?

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    1. Nope, not sad at all! Junior Mints are the bomb! Did I really just say that? I must be slapped!

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  2. I need to remember those excuses!!!! I laughed soo hard!!

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    1. Seriously, feel free to use any or all of them (even at the same time if you need too).

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  3. What you completely forgot to mention (but shines through anyway) is the joy you take in one another. Yup, it's true love alright.

    Sending you gentle, warm hugs for the IC and fibro....I hate freaking fibro even more than the Parkinson's and Familial Tremour. I salute your strength and courage, even as I'm laughing my butt off.

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    1. Awww, thanks Jacqueline :) Fibro sucks donkey balls (not that I have ever sucked donkey balls). Wow, I need more sleep, lol!

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  4. Oh my god this made me laugh so much!! Xx

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  5. It is a rare person that can repulse you while making you laugh hysterically. You have a gift.

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    1. Awww, thanks so much! What an awesome compliment!

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  6. Oh man .... sometimes I just want a snuggy on the couch ... I'm with you. Hey - the memory wire bracelet ... all yours if you want it. just email me - cynthia.machata@gmail.com

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    1. You are just too stinking sweet! I will email you, but i'm going to post about these bracelets on my blog, cause they are awesome like you so be warned!

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    2. sure thing ... post away - I can take it :)

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  7. That is so adorably funny!It made me laugh!

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  8. OMG hands down the best post I've read all damn day xD.

    Thank you for making me laugh until I cried :).

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    1. Awww, thanks so much! That's what i'm here for :)

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  9. Too funny! Just one question for you. Do certain types of candy mean something different? Like if you got him (or he got you) a plain Hersey bar instead of say a Snickers bar? Does that send some kind of vibe? Junior Mints seem relatively neutral but some choices might have deeper meanings.

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    1. Wow, that is deep! You know I will have to ponder this and come back to you! LOL!

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  10. this is great...I can't stop laughing. I am so glad my hubby is not the only one who does that...I think you got all the excuses covered....may need to think of some others.

    I once bought him off with a movie and another time ice cream.

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    1. Ooooh, I like the movie and ice cream idea! Except my hubby thinks a movie is the perfect time to have sex. Well he thinks anytime is a perfect time, but you know what I mean, lol!

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  11. Wow! I swear to God, we are married to the same J. They most definitely have to be kin somewhere. LOL. Of course my J has no sense of humor about it so distant distant relatives at best. He is absolutely pissed if he is "turned down". You would think after all these years (20 for us) they'd be used to it, but No!; every freaking night they act like it is something brand new. Maybe after I just seen you take a dump I'm not so hotsie totsie for you anymore. Who knows?? You know me...
    Jae Mac, I'm Just Sayin'...(Damn!)

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    1. Haha! Yep, my hubby can get very disgruntled when he gets turned down. He takes it so personal which I hate because it's not him, it's just that i'm tired and exhausted…sigh.

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  12. Awesome. Married life to a 'T'. :D

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