Monday, October 22, 2012

Who wants some hair in their salad with a side of butt crack?

On Saturday my 8 year old daughter had a birthday party to attend at a local pizza parlor.   My husband is overprotective (okay and so am I), and thought she was too young to simply drop off at the party, so I told him I would stay at the restaurant, but sit in a different section with the two boys so she could have some privacy.  My hubby had a photo job he had to leave for, so he stayed with me long enough to order food for me and the boys and then left.  I'll admit I was feeling a bit panicky when he left and was having flashbacks of my former single mom days when my teens were toddlers and I had no choice but to take them everywhere alone.  My hat is off to you single parents, as it is not an easy job!  The restaurant was packed to the brim and noisy as hell.  The entrance to the indoor playground was no where near where I was sitting and all of the tables with views to the playground were full, so that meant I had to try to keep the boys at the table with me until we were done eating, and then take them out to the playground….alone. Yikes!

This meant that I had to shovel food into my mouth as fast as humanly possible with one hand, while the other hand was extended out around my 2.5 year old's waist trying to keep him from escaping from the booth (he wont sit in highchairs anymore and just climbs right out).  I was almost done with my salad when all of a sudden I saw the one thing that you never ever want to see on your plate…a small, curly, black hair that was slightly pube-like in appearance and definitely NOT mine….BARF!   I immediately put the fork down and vowed to never eat from a salad bar again.  I was seriously repulsed to the thought of vomiting.  However, I suppose hair on the plate is an excellent method to keep you from overeating as I can honestly say that I lost my appetite for the rest of the weekend. 

Since lunch time was definitely over at this point, I took the boys out to the playground.  It was indoors, but they had all of the windows wide open and considering it was only 50 degrees outside, the playground resembled an indoor igloo.   I had an entire hour to kill in the playground before my daughter's party was over, in the freezing cold playground, alone with no one to talk too (none of the other parents were inside the playground but me).   My boys are 4 and 2, but they cannot be trusted alone (if you haven't already gathered that by previous pics of their shenanigans).  

My legs were hurting from standing, my nose was dripping from the cold, my head was pounding and I found myself obsessively checking my phone and praying for the time to pass. The chaos from all the wild, unsupervised kids was too much to bear at times, and the smell was just horrific. You would think with open windows that it wouldn't smell so bad, but when you have dozens of little kids running around with barefeet or socks, all you could smell was the aroma of rotten feet and cheese. I really can't explain the smell, nor do I want too.

Finally some other parents started coming in to check on their kids, but it was mostly dads checking on their kids.  As luck would have it, I had the distinct pleasure of standing behind a man with the largest, hairiest butt crack i've ever seen.  He stood in front of me for about 20-30 minutes and there really wasn't anywhere else for me to go as we were packed into this playground like sardines and I was trying to stand by the ball pit as that seemed to be Peanut's favorite place (and no, I don't even want to know what was inside of that ball pit).  I couldn't resist taking a pic of the butt crack man (and this was taken right after he pulled up his pants. Yep, it was much worse than this): 

Did I really just instagram a man's hairy butt crack?
Oh yes, I did! 
The next morning my almost 5 year old son woke up with a blazing case of pink eye. No doubt from one of the little darlings in the playground.  So how was your weekend? 

14 comments:

  1. Nauseating gross, freezing gross and bare-assed gross. You're a one-woman traveling party. Where are you going next, I need a general vicinity to stay away from.

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  2. ouch! You need hugs; I'm sending you a dozen.

    Gah, the hair was bad enough but butt crack? One of my worst nightmares was realised when I was forced to stand behind a man with serious butt crack issues, wearing a thong, and constantly bending over. Guess he wanted to show off?

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  3. Sorry to say that my weekend was better than yours. Being in bed with a cold would be better than what you experienced, LOL!!! Just one gross day you had there. I hope the kids had fun, at least!

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  4. Heeeeelarious picture!! I've never understood why people sporting crack don't feel cool air on their honey!?!?

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  5. This post has Ewwwww written all over it. I guess the only silver lining is that birthdays only happen once a year?

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  6. Twenty minutes of butt crack?! I would have pointed him to the salad bar and explained he just seemed like the type who'd enjoy it...

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  8. Oh damn. This reminds me of the time I took a road trip with my-then 10 year old sister. We mostly stopped at denny's, as it was the only cheap place right off the highway to find steak- and that's all she would eat. One place we stopped, she actually ordered barbeque wings. I don't even remember what I ordered, as 2 bites in, my sister found a little black curly in her bbq sauce. Our waitress was blonde, and the chef: BALD. I immediatly returned both plates to a very pissed off manager, who only agreed not to charge us for the food we didn't eat after I offered to share what I had found with ALL of the other patrons.

    Now I'm generally not the type to complain about my food, but I draw the line at bbq pubic hairs. And I sure as hell wasn't going to accept another plate from that kitchen. I'm feeling sick to my stomach even thinking about it!

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  9. Sounds like an outdoor version of Pump It Up. It's a petri dish and my daughter always gets sick there. Lots of butt crack too because mostly dads go down the inflatable slides with the kids. I try to avert my eyes, though. They serve pizza after going to the play area. Glad your pic is blurry :)

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  10. Whoa. That man needs a better belt...or a wife...or an intervention. Seriously, how did you survive???

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  11. Oh wow... my eyes. I can never unsee that!!!

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  12. eeeewwwwww! so it is cold at the playground and this guy doesn't get the drift ... literally no breeze on that back end? WOW

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  13. Nothing says classy like a good, hairy butt crack. Perhaps the hair in your salad came from this guy's crack? And as for the pink eye, there is a reason we call it Chucky Disease and never, ever go there or any other food place with a ball pit.

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  14. Bahahahahahahahahahaha you are seriously hilarious. Why must you live so far north from me????

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