Monday, October 29, 2012

What's the opposite of a soccer mom? ME! Post #4

Oh boy I don't even know where to start with this one.  I know it's been about a month since my last soccer post (if you haven't read the other three soccer posts in my series, you may be a little confused). Honestly i've been attending my 13 y/o daughter's games and they really aren't that exciting.  Canopy dad is still the same old canopy dad, but other than him, there really isn't anyone to blog about.

To mix things up a little bit I decided to attend my 8 y/o daughter's game, while my hubby attended our teen's game.  What a difference this made!  Most of the parents were fine, but the family standing to my left was straight up annoying! You remember the sea hag? She had nothing on the umbrella mafia.  It took every bit of restraint I had not to shove my jumbo sized umbrella straight up their butt cracks!

I arrived at the game today in the pouring rain.  I set up my mother f@cking fold out chair, opened my huge umbrella (yes, i'm starting to get the hang of this crap), covered my legs with my lap blanket, and plopped down for yet another fun filled game in the torrential downpour.

I noticed right away that the opposite team was huddled up under a large, stand up tent, complete with one of those huge Gatorade dispensers (I think someone is taking their job as soccer coach a little too seriously).  Our girls bring their own water bottles, and do not require the shelter of a tent! Tents are for outdoor weddings, not soccer games.  My mind immediately thought of Will Ferrell from Kicking and Screaming, AKA the super coach from hell, complete with a group of doucheneozzle parents that I wanted to trip with my umbrella handle.

The tent pic (our team stood in the rain). 
They are warriors! 

As soon as the game started I couldn't help but notice the crazy umbrella mom wearing the not so flattering mom jeans to my left.  She immediately began to scream.  Seriously, she put the canopy dad to shame.  It was non stop screaming, jumping and flailing throughout the entire game.  I get that you're excited and want to cheer on your kid.  I occasionally cheer for my daughter or her team mates, but when you start acting more immature than my toddlers, that's when I have an issue with you.

See, here's the thing, Mrs. Unflattering Mom Jeans, when you whisper to your obnoxious tweenage darlings to "Stand in front of the other parents so they can't see the game" then you are a douchenozzle.  Here's a tip: Whispering is supposed to be done in a quiet voice that no one else around you can hear, however, you sounded more like a toy that just got new batteries installed.  Then you proceeded to look around and smirk at the fact that you are blocking everyone's view.  I get it. You're an entire family of buttholes. I'm not impressed.

I didn't get the mom in this one but this is the dad 
and the tweenagers who made my game experience miserable. 
Furthermore when you annoy the entire section with your ear piercing screams, maybe it's time to have a pep talk with yourself.  There's a reason no one from your own team sat anywhere near you. They don't like you.  And there are no words for your tweenage brats.  No, scratch that.  I have plenty. You may think it's cute and funny that your "much to old to be acting that way" daughter's are having an umbrella fight and screaming and twirling around all of the innocent bystanders nearly jabbing out my eye with their f@cking umbrellas, but no one else thought it was cute, nor funny.  Did you catch that?  No one (and I do mean no one) found your Cinderella evil step-sister worthy daughters cute.

What really disturbs me is that I was forced to spend the entire game staring at your husband's behind which was strategically located right in front of me and my one and only thought was that i'm sorry you have to see it naked every night.  Oh and don't yell, "We're tied now" at the top of your lungs when you aren't even close.  Wishful thinking does not make you a winner. The reality is your team really could've used Will Ferrell to turn your team around.  And please, tell your girls to toughen up and rub some salt on it!  Good grief!  We had to stop the game about a million times because your team got hurt every two minutes (and that's being generous as it felt more like every 30 seconds).  Our team got kicked just as often, but the difference is they kept going and never once cried or complained.

And is an umbrella tunnel really necessary?

Apparently so, but notice i'm not participating.  


  1. OMG! This is so funny and yet not a fun way to spend a day!! At least you will make everyone laugh.

  2. Oh my goodness I missed these posts. I was looking forward to them every week and then I would read them to my hubby!!! You make me laugh. Keep them coming!!! Sorry you had to stand in the rain :(

  3. That woman needs a soccer mom intervention. And why would you be such a jerk to have your family block the view of others. Hiss!!

  4. Bwahahahahaha! This brought back memories! Mine are older (well, my daughter is 13, but she's having nothing to do with *sports*, thank you very much). My boys are 21 and 18. They played and the main requirement to join a team was to have douchecanoes as parents. I did manage to find one couple who were really smart. They sat off to the side (as dictated by the need to be as far away from the craptastic cowbell family who rang the damn thing everytime one of their little Peles scored) and had a magically refilling thermos. Of Kahlua and coffee. Every Saturday morning.

    We became best friends. Until the season was over, at least. LOL

    Kristy @ Shona Skye Creations

  5. I sooooo wish your daughter was on my daughter's team.
    Because we would have so much fun sitting next to each other. :)

  6. Love reading this!!! Following back from the blog hop! Thanks for following my blog too:)

  7. Now that's some funny stuff! I was feeling your pain from start to finish. All of my kids have played soccer and I've probably spent the better part of the past 18 summers on the sidelines. Guaranteed, there will always be at least one family from hell. Stay strong and try not to shove that umbrella anywhere that it doesn't belong ;)

  8. Wow...I rarely say "LOL", but I think this would apply. That was truly hilarious. My oldest daughter takes after me and appears to suck at all sports; I will cross my fingers that her younger sister will also be graced (or not) with our genes, because I can officially say after reading that, I think I would become an alcoholic if I had to endure soccer games. Man, some parents are NUTS!
    Loved reading it, even if I am glad I am not (yet) living it!

  9. Thank you for turning your misery into a funny post for your readers. Umbrella tunnel? Really? Wait till it gets warm. The poster paper sign that the players can run through can't be far behind. I swear I know those people with the tent. Was there a tailgating BBQ too?

    Hey. I'm also passing on a sisterhood blogger award to you. You can pick it up if you'd like on my blog. Don't worry about jumping through the hoops. Just grab it and go. Thanks for the laugh!

  10. Five years later and this is still a wonderful post.

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